10: On the Way Back Home

I forced my eyes open.

Sunlight. Morning—

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!

There was something heavy with my body and I have to exert such effort just to sit up. However the surroundings felt different, the air smelled like antiseptic and alcohol, surely I am in a hospital and Arima was sleeping soundly at the end of the bed (more importantly, why am I even here?). WAIT WHAT?!

ARIMA?! WHY IS SHE HERE?!

My eyes widened at her presence and struggled to move my arms.

"Ow! Fuck! What the hell is this?!" I screamed as I felt the pain on my left arm resurface and thus waking up Arima on the process.

She rubbed her eyes and looked at the surroundings and then stared back at me with a faraway gaze.

"Seiichi-kun…?" she murmured my name and approached me as if she was still half asleep. I, on the meanwhile, blushed as her face got nearer and nearer to mine.

"A-arima…? What are you—! WHAT THE FUCK?!" She suddenly embraced me happily like a little child and I could feel my face heat up.

"You're awake! You're finally awake, Seiichi-kun! I'm so glad!" she whispered to my ear.

Suddenly, the door swung open and Saika entered the room with a plastic bag towed on her arm and placed in on a table nearby. She then looked me with eyes of disgust and snickered.

"Oh my. Look at your heart rate, you perverted bastard, it's shooting through the roof. Want me to break your other arm?!"

"LIKE HELL IT IS!" I shouted back at her while being really bashful. Suddenly though, Saika smiled at me gently as if a heavy weight has fallen off her shoulders.

"I'm glad you're back to normal, you dumbass," she told me as Arima finally let go of me from her embrace.

I stared at them with eyes yearning for answers. The room was silent until Saika finally gave up with a sigh. However, before she could speak, Arima butted in.

"She was really crying her eyes out last night! You were shot on the arm, you know! And Saika-chan begged us to take you to—"

"Oh just shut up, will you?!" Embarassed, Saika desperately attempted to cover the other girl's mouth.

I slumped my shoulders at the thought however.

So that's why I'm wearing a sling...I brought trouble to Saika and Arima again.

"I'm alright now, Seiichi. And that's because you saved me, if you hadn't, I would probably be dead by now," Saika suddenly spoke and I turned to her. She knows what I'm thinking.

"Kizuna, could you let us have a moment please?" Saika continued with a bitter smile, now talking to Arima who happily complied.

"Sure! I'll just hang outside," Arima excused herself and bolted immediately out of the door but somehow, I felt that she was rather depressed. Sometimes, you can't really guess what she's thinking…

Turning back to Saika, I quietly murmured as I tugged my injured arm.

"But that doesn't mean I'm forgiven for what I've done…"

"Tell me, Seiichi, have you thanked Mom yet?" she suddenly asked and I gritted my teeth. What the hell does she mean by that?!

"…"

I didn't reply and instead continued to furrow my eyebrows and bent my head down.

"You know, I could understand what you are feeling right now. If you died protecting me, what should I do?" Saika clenched her fist as she continued talking.

"Obviously, it would be my fault, but then, if you failed to protect me and I got hit, you'll blame yourself for not doing anything instead. It'll be the same thing over and over again…"

I didn't know what to say to her anymore, I simply sat there as I filled myself with so much anguish and sorrow.

"That's why, Seiichi…even though you're an idiot who can't just let go of his past, even though you're a good-for-nothing brother, even though you're such a big sissy…THANK YOU!"

Saika's voice echoed across the room and I immediately stared at her as I heard those words. Unusual tears which flowed from her eyes stained her cheeks as she bowed in front of me.

Why is she…? Why…?

"Thank you so much for risking your life for me! Thank you! I was really scared that time…If it weren't for you, I'll—!"

For Saika to show so much emotion and sadness in front of me shook my convictions. She was someone who was really strong and brave, who has steel cables for nerves, who rarely showed any signs of weakness…but now, she's crying so hard in front of me just like some ordinary girl her age.

Like some reflex, I pulled her to an embrace as she continued to cry on my arms. Beads of tears formed at side of my eyes as she thanked me over and over again like some broken record. I patted her head and whispered sadly on her ear.

"I'm…sorry…"

Later that afternoon, Saika left the hospital for work and I simply sat there and waited for my recovery. To my astonishment however, Arima entered the room with a mysterious smile on her face which simply did not match the tired look she was having.

"Hey, you look bored~ Wanna check out the rooftop?" she asked but before I could even reply, Arima seized my arm suddenly and dragged me out of my ward and to the rooftop.

She looked quite jovial for a person with thick eye bags and a pale complexion as we climbed the stairs up. Doesn't she look quite thin as well?

I arched up an eyebrow but then ignored my suspicions as we finally reached our destination. For a spring afternoon, the rooftop was unusually warm and inviting and I could not resist the temptation to sit on one of the benches as Arima played with the rose bushes in front of me.

"So?" I asked, rather impatient about her beating-around-the bush method. I know you'll fucking ask me questions as well!

"Alright, you got me there Seiichi-kun~!" She immediately surrendered as she giggled and raised up her arms.

"Just one question: If you have to choose between your wife and your daughter, who will you allow to continue living?"

Arima's stare bore right through my eyes as she questioned me. I was not in the right mood to answer such philosophical questions and chose to dodge it instead.

"The fuck is with that question? I'm no god who can decide who lives or who dies," I replied and sighed as I looked at her with a "that-ain't-my-problem" expression on my face.

She simply giggled at my response and sat on the other bench a few distance away.

"I knew you would say that…" Arima's voiced trailed off as a bitter smile formed on her lips. "You know, Dad chose me to live instead of Mom. That night at the hospital, he had the power of a god…"

That revelation instantly caught my attention and I glanced at Arima asking for more.

I knew that her mother died while giving birth to her…but Arima-sensei actually decided for his daughter to live and his wife to die…? I'm sure it was a very difficult decision to make…

"Then that question earlier…!" I exclaimed as I finally realized why she asked me that

"Yeah…Dad hated hospitals after that, so much that he avoided it at all costs; it reminded him of Mom," Arima's bitter smiled thinned as she heavily sighed. "Of course, I indulged myself in self-blame. I thought that maybe the reason why I'm always alone is because it was Mom's punishment…I was the one who lived after all…she wasn't supposed to die,"

I stared at her for a while and then averted my gaze to the rose bushes in front of us.

"I'm sorry…this place makes me want to share those thoughts to you, I don't even know why…" Arima apologize before I could say anything and made another tired smile.

Of all the people around me, I know that Arima would probably understand me the most. I was the one who was supposed to die but instead it was Mom…it's the same case as hers. She kept on blaming herself over and over again, I wonder if she's still doing it? I wonder if I can be forgiven…

"You know, we will never be forgiven," she suddenly interrupted my thoughts and sincerely gazed into my eyes.

Blinking several times, I let myself get swept away by her powerful blue eyes as her words pierced right through me. She herself answered the question in my head.

"We will never be forgiven…No one could ever forgive us for what we did…only us could forgive ourselves."

It rang through my ears as my eyes dilated in realization of her statement. She's…

"We never did anything wrong in the first place…we we're just there at the wrong place at the wrong time, doing the wrong things…" She continued while fiddling with her fingers.

"I don't really understand your struggle as much as you do nor can you understand mine…but you know, we are not by ourselves, everyone is willing to help us and their presence is reassuring enough that we both have a purpose to live."

"…"

I proceeded with listening to her in silence since everything in my head is still as messy as hell. Her words were new to me and they provided me with hope that someday, I can finally forgive myself like what she said earlier. It's a long process but the question is, am I willing to take the risk? In the end, I might not be able to forgive myself.

"I'll prove to Mom that this opportunity she gave me to live in this world would not go to waste. I'll continue living—enjoying every moment, every second like it's my last! So that she would never regret giving up her life for me!"

This time, despite her resolute and courageous words, Arima started crying with a smile on her face, like she was ready to face the world even though her sin weighs her down. Her existence is very bright as if it was the only light during the storm. She's my light…my guide; and I don't want to lose sight of her…no, not ever.

Gazing at her, I was very much amazed and at awe. Yet again, her words provided me with a sense of purpose that I still have a value in this world. Probably because she could understand what I was going through that's why she says things that I could very much relate to.

"So hey, Seiichi-kun…" Arima stood up, wiping her tears on the process.

"If you still want to play the piano, grab my hand and let's go on a journey!"

Maybe it was her mesmerizing smile or her words or I was just too lazy to think, I did not even hesitate to take the hand offered in front of me.

"It's decided then!" With Arima's lips curving to a smile, she pulled me out of the bench and the two of us ran down the stairs as fast as our legs could.

"Let's go back home!"

A/N: It took me quite some time to update again since school is as hectic as hell xD Well, this is a pretty short one and the next chapter should be done within a day or so if procrastination doesn't come and pay me a visit. I hope you enjoy it~

Please review! Thanks!