Home
The road to my house was little more than a wide dirt trail. Located in the middle of one hundred and fifty acres in the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Georgia, my house there was as old as the one hundred feet tall, Georgia pines that surrounded it. Built in the mid eighteen hundreds by Mr. Ben Foster's own two hands, I bought the house and the land from his great grandchildren around 1934, the year that Lillian died.
Celine Foster still owned part of the original 1,500 acres that her grandfather willed to his descendants. She was a very nice woman and I would often sit and talk to her for hours on end. She was blind, but had an amazing ability to 'see' with her ears. She could tell you what kind of animal was rustling in the leaf litter, or how far away the birds were by their song. She was quite amazing and her mind was a vast vault of stored knowledge. And the best thing was, she couldn't see me, so even though she was in her sixties by now, she wouldn't ask questions when I returned. I thought I would take her the deer hide I had tanned in Tennessee.
The Mercedes didn't like the muddy, winding road one bit and I made a mental note to go buy a four by four soon. When I finally made it to the house and stepped out of the car, the sun was just coming up. I made my way around to the side of the house and checked the gas gauge on the power generator. It had only an eighth of a tank so I went to check the reserve tank, a two hundred gallon underground tank. About fifty feet from the overhang above the generator was a small outhouse looking building. It actually looked more like a doghouse with half of a regular sized door set into the side of a hill. Still locked. Good sign, I thought. I went and dug the keys out of the bottom of my purse again and found the key to the padlock.
The main tank still had one hundred and twenty gallons of gasoline in it. I hoped it wasn't contaminated and I couldn't smell gas, so I hoped also that the tank was intact. I turned the valve that connected the external tank to the generator. I waited and few minutes, pumped the primer and pulled on the cord. A few chugs and some smoke and then nothing. I tried again. Nothing. I waited a few minutes and tried again. Still nothing. Then once more and finally the old behemoth choked and sputtered to life. Thick smoke poured out of the old engine until it got its rhythm and began purring quietly like it was supposed to.
I found the house key on my ring of a hundred keys and went inside through the back door. I very rarely used the front door. Something was nesting in the house and had been there a while. It smelled like a raccoon. I crept through the back door and waited a minute so my eyes could adjust. Then walked slowly through the enclosed porch, through another door and through the small guest room, past the half bathroom and into the kitchen. I heard rustling in the cabinets under the counter and I flipped on the light. I grabbed the rather large coon by the back of the neck as it tried to run past me.
It struggled and clawed and screamed and growled but I just held it by the scruff of the neck. Finally, it scratched me and I growled back at it. It was quiet for moment as it looked at me. When it started to struggle again I carried it through the living room, out the front door and dropped it off the front porch. Then I went back to see how much damage it had done.
Before I had made it the thirty feet back to the kitchen, the raccoon was sticking its head out from under the cabinet, watching me approach.
"You little…" I spat. "No wonder it's so cold in here, you probably have holes everywhere."
I went outside and turned on the water from the well and again, I hoped the pump still worked. I checked the hot water heater for leaks and there were none, at least that I saw. Then I sat down on the couch and closed my eyes. I was tired. I had only slept a few hours before the werewolf showed up and I needed to get some rest in order for the wounds to heal. For some reason, I always healed faster if I was well rested. I just guessed it was hybrid thing.
As I sat with my head against the back of the couch I focused on Bella. She was playing with her cereal, pushing it around the bowl with her spoon when she jumped as Charlie's fist came crashing down onto the table.
"That's it, Bella, I'm sending you home!" he yelled.
"I am home," she mumbled, confused.
"I'm sending you to Renee, to Jacksonville," he clarified.
"What did I do?" she asked still confused.
She thought she was doing so well at just continuing to breathe that she hadn't really noticed what it was doing to Charlie.
They argued for a few minutes about how he wished she would do something, anything and just stop mopping around all of the time. She finally agreed to do something with Jess after school so he would leave her alone.
Maybe this was a good thing, I thought. Maybe she could use some company, some time away from Forks and from everything that reminded her of her missing love. Only missing, not gone, I reminded us both. She convinced herself that she would ask Jessica to do something in Port Angeles, if only to get Charlie off of her back.
I heard the raccoon scurry past me and I stomped my foot, sending it running back toward the kitchen. I had to fix all of the holes it had made, which I was sure was quite a few. But later, I thought. I shook the dust from the sheet over the couch, threw it over the top of me, curled up on my side and drifted off to sleep.
It was warm in the house when I woke up. The blue flames of the wall furnace were still glowing. I got up, opened all the curtains to let the sun in and took a good look around. I had expected to find one big raccoon den but it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. It had torn up one of the recliners and a small mattress but for the most part the damage was minor, comparatively speaking. It could've been a lot worse, a bear could've moved in.
I didn't hear it under the sink and assumed it had gone out, so I began cleaning up the mess it had left. I only found one hole leading from the outside and I had done a very thorough search of the crawlspace under the house. I patched the hole into the house and threw all the bedding and trash out from under the cabinets. Then I carried the damaged furniture to the back porch. When I had cleaned all I was going to I took a shower, made sure my mutilated back was healing, put on an old pair of sweats, threw the furniture sheets and the clothes I was wearing into the washer and collapsed into the recliner that was undamaged.
I must have dozed off again. When I woke up I was focused on Bella. She was in Port Angeles, standing across the street from a bar and contemplating talking to the four men that were standing outside. What are you doing, Bella? I asked. No response. As she took another step closer Jessica tried to stop her, to no avail.
What was she doing? Her thoughts were of Edward and how she had promised not to do anything stupid when he left. So what was this? It wasn't like I was taking a blade to my wrist, she thought. Jess was at a loss for words.
"Go eat," Bella said to her, "I'll catch up in a minute."
She wasn't going to stop so I did the only thing I knew to do… give her what she wanted.
"Bella, stop this right now," I thought in Edward's velvet voice.
Her muscles locked in place. It worked. But then she wanted to hear it again and took another step.
Dammit, Lily, I thought to myself. What have you done?
"Go back to Jessica," I said to her in his voice. "You promised… nothing stupid… Keep your promise."
Her thoughts were a blur. She took another step forward.
"Bella, turn around!" I growled in his voice and finally she did.
I put my hands over my face, not believing how stupid I was. Of course she would want to hear his voice, you idiot, I scolded myself. What if she tries something like that again, just so she can hear him, well, hear you talk to her? I would have to keep continuous tabs on Bella now, just in case she tried something like that again.
I went to bed, not wanting to think anymore about the huge mistake I had just made.
The next morning I slept late. When I finally got up, I checked my back and it was nearly healed. I folded the clothes in the dryer, put on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt and headed out. Today was the day that I faced my demons. Today I was going to return to where I had been born, a cave, only a short run from here.
When I got to the entrance of the cave, vines and overhanging branches still covered the entrance, still completely hiding it from view. I pushed them aside and went in. My eyes adjusted quickly to the darkness. I made my way through the maze of tunnels, through a small stream, and to the place that my mother had died, well, where she had been killed.
There was nothing left except bones and fragments of clothing and hair. I knelt beside the remains and stared at the skeleton. Remembering clearly the day I had killed her. Tears welled in my eyes as I thought about the creature that had done that to her. Then I thought about the vampire that had gotten her pregnant and left her to be killed by resulting offspring. I wasn't sure which was worse, the one that did it or the one that just let it happen.
Once I had realized what I had done, I swore to her that I would never consume human blood again. Though I still craved it, I had not tasted human blood or flesh since hers. I owed her at least that much.
I began digging a hole so I could do what I came here to do; to bury my mother. I moved the bones one by one and placed them in the shallow grave. When I lifted the bones of her hand, a ring fell into the dirt. I placed the bones in the grave and then picked up the ring. I wiped it off on my shirt. It was small, but from what I could tell, it was a small crest of some kind. At first I put it in the grave with her because I never wore anything that would be recognized by someone, then I thought about Michelle and the scars on my shoulder and side. I couldn't hide the scars and if someone was going to recognize me, they would notice the scars long before they would notice a ring. I slid the ring onto my finger and finished moving the bones. I would carve a stone for the grave and bring it back. But what would it say? Mother. That's all I knew.
I took the old soft, worn hide that was in the cave but buried everything else; the burlap bags, the straw and what few dishes and utensils were there. I stayed there most of the day wrapped in that old worn hide.
The sun was setting behind the mountains when I left. I headed southwest, toward Blue Ridge Lake instead of due south toward home. The lake was once a place I had found safety. After the encounter with the vampire in Atlanta in 1928, I feared another run-in with a hungry vampire. When Lillian, my guardian and teacher, died in 1934, I felt that the house didn't offer much safety. But when I was swimming in the lake I found a cave. The entrance was underwater but the cave was dry. I spent a lot of nights there after Lillian died. I felt safe in the cave. No vampire would've ever thought to look there.
After I got my SCUBA diving fix in the Florida Keys in the early nineties, I brought my gear back here and explored the lake. The blankets and candles that I had taken to the cave when I was young had still been there. I would come back here in the summer, when it was warmer and visit. It was way too cold for a swim right now.
I wrapped the hide around my shoulders and ran toward the lake. I laughed when I realized that the leather hide was flying out behind me like a cape, then I ran faster. When I got to the edge of the water I stopped just inches of the waterline. The sky was clear and it was very cold outside. The stars glittered and reflected off of the black, glasslike surface of the water. The occasional breeze would send ripples across the surface then it would smooth into glass again. I sat down on the rocky bank, wrapped the hide around my shoulders and around my legs and watched the occasional shooting star reflect off of the water.
The cave was about a mile south of here. It had been mere coincidence that I had come across it to begin with. I had been playing in the water, jumping off the rocky cliffs and seeing if I could touch the bottom. As I was coming up one time, I followed the cliff up from under the water and found the hole in the rocks. At first I only went in a few feet, not wanting to get lost in some underwater cave. I did, after all, have to breathe even though I could hold my breath for eight minutes or more.
After a few attempts, I finally got up the nerve to go further inside. Visibility was bad at best but I felt my way and after about ten feet, there was a near vertical shaft that went toward the surface. I made it about fifteen feet, thought it seemed for like fifty, when I chickened out and turned around. Once out and on my way up, I noticed that it was only about twenty feet to the surface. If that cave continued to go upward at that steep of an angle, unless it stopped or turned it would've soon been above the water table.
I surfaced, took a series of slow deep breaths, held the last one and dove again. This time I was determined to find a dead end, or air. I just hoped that the cave didn't even out and remain underwater. I felt my way into the cave, swan straight for ten feet then nearly straight up. I pushed myself upward with my feet, my hands out in front of me, feeling for any obstructions. The angle decreased as did my heart rate, but after another few kicks off the walls, my hands felt air. I surfaced slowly, not having a clue where the cave had led me. Could be a bear in here for all I knew.
It was dark. I felt around for a few minutes until I could make out some of my surroundings. There was certainly nothing in here and all I could smell was water and earth. The cave I had entered was small. The edge of the water met dry Georgia granite. I climbed out onto the rock and was nearly able to stand up before I felt more rock above my head. I took a step back and tripped over a small ledge. I laded on my butt on more rock. I felt around behind be and there was an open space. I tried to make out details but there just wasn't enough light in here. I could only see shadows and darkness.
I went back to the surface and figured out how to get candles and matches into the cave. Since I had to go through water and in 1934, plastic bags weren't exactly readily available, and wouldn't be for about twenty years. So I wrapped some candles and some matches in multiple layers of rabbit hides and wrapped it tight. A few days later I went back to the cave and managed to successfully get dry matches and candles inside.
When I finally lit one of the candles and looked around, the cave was indeed empty. There was nothing. No moss, no roots, no dirt, it was just a hole in the rock. The rock inside was smooth, and at some point I assumed that water ran through here. There was a small ledge just above the waterline that leveled out for a few feet then curved up the back wall, around over the ceiling and back down to the water. The water surface was about two by three feet and at one end of the opening. The rock was already worn smooth where the water met the edge of the rock. It wasn't very long, less than six feet but plenty of room for me to stretch out.
Over the next few years, I stocked the cave with candles and matches and even hides and deer jerky. I felt safe in that cave and spent many nights in it. I thought it was the perfect hiding place from vampires. It never occurred to me until much later that there had to be circulating air from, and to, somewhere in order for the candles to burn and for me to be able to breathe.
After a few hours I finally decided to head home. I was sure I still had a raccoon to deal with. I was only about half a mile from the lake when the hair on the back of my neck stood on end. I felt a presence behind me and before I thought I even had time to react, I had turned, growled and taken a near fatal swipe at a vampire's neck. It was a young female, she didn't look much older than I did, but she stood there, staring at me. Her teeth were bared and she was holding her hand to the side of her neck.
I had felt my claws go in deep and knew I had the upper hand right now. She was hurt and the vampire inside me was wide awake and already fighting. She stared at me with a bewildered but maddening look in her eyes. She could smell my blood, my human blood and hear my heartbeat, but she was standing face to face with a vampire. She growled and lunged at my face. In the next instant, my claws ripped through the other side of her neck. Her body fell at my feet, her head rolled against a tree and stopped with a thud. Oh my God, I thought, I'm capable of killing a vampire. I looked down at my claws then back at the headless form below me. It lay motionless and I instantly thought of the encounter with Rosalie Hale at my house. I could've really hurt her and not meant to. I shuttered at the thought of hurting one of the Cullen's, even if it was Rose.
I started kicking leaves and dirt over the body. The last thing this small town needed was for someone to find this. I had completely covered the body and had just picked up the head to throw into the lake. I would come back and get it so I could burn them both later. Right now, I had no way to build a fire.
I was almost to the water when the hair on my neck stood up again. This time I wasn't fast enough. I turned and raked my claws across the chest of a male vampire that was easily twice my size. He roared in anger and took a swipe at me. I dodged and ducked but he caught the back of my left shoulder. I felt the warm blood on my back and fought the instinct to fight back. I knew I was no match for this one. He had found his mate and was now getting his revenge.
I tried to wrap the hide around me but I couldn't move my left arm. Oh, shit, I thought and my mind reeled as the pain finally registered. I sprinted toward the water with the head still under my arm. He obviously followed me. He was only steps behind me when I reached the water's edge. He took a swipe at my back and I felt his claws tear through my sweatshirt and my recently healed back. Then I dove head first into the freezing water.
The shock of the temperature nearly took my breath away. I was instantly shivering. I took the hide from my neck with shivering fingers and tried to secure my limp arm. Where am I? I thought. Where did I enter the water? I had to get to my cave, but it was dark, the water was freezing, and I knew I wouldn't last very long. Then the vampire inside woke and my senses changed. Suddenly I knew exactly where I was and exactly where to go. Within minutes I was crawling onto the dry pile of hides in my little cave. I had left the head just inside the entrance and still in the water.
I concentrated on the vampire that was hell bent on my demise. I made him think that I had swum across the lake and was running through the trees on the other side. He was soon chasing a ghost.
I pulled off all of my clothes and wrapped myself in dry hides. I was still shivering uncontrollably. My shoulder and my back throbbed.
I shook my head and thought; Ninety nine point ninety eight percent of all humans go through their entire lives without knowing that vampires and werewolves even exist. I on the other hand have met three in as many days. But then again, I guess humans aren't usually in the middle of the forest, in the middle of the night, out in the middle of nowhere. That might have something to do with it, I thought. But I wasn't laughing. I was hurt and hurt bad. I managed to stop shivering enough to find and light a match. I found a candle and lit it. I thanked my lucky stars that they still worked.
I examined my shoulder and it was a lot worse than I thought. He had nearly taken off my arm, literally. Only muscle and skin had kept it attached to the rest of me.
I continued to make him think that he was still chasing me. But where? I wondered. After a while, I would eventually run out of land… But that reminded me how I had ended up in Forks and why.
After Danny had left, I had gone as far west as I could go and ended up in La Push. Then I realized that it was probably not a very good place for me to be. The Quileute tribe was very against vampires so I went back to Forks. Which is where I ran into the Cullen's, and then Bella… Bella. Stop, Lily! I could lead the vampire to La Push and let the Quileute wolves deal with him. If nothing else, that would get him far away from me.
When the shivering finally stopped, I wrapped my shoulder up the best I could. There was nothing else I could do. I couldn't go to a hospital, I knew that. I was scared. I had no idea what to do. My arm was barely attached to my body, my back had yet another series of gashes in it and all I really wanted to do was sleep. How I could be so tired at a time like this? Was I dying? Was I bleeding to death? Is that how it would happen? Would I just fall asleep and never wake up?
I thought about Bella and Edward and Scott and I started to cry. After all I had been through and after all I had survived, I was going to die alone in this cave. I figured it was the way I had lived, so it was fitting that that was the way I would I die. I cried myself to sleep saying my little goodbyes to my beloved Bella, my fearless Edward and my loving Scott.
I dreamed about the wolves tearing the male vampire that had attacked me into tiny pieces and burning the remains in a huge bon fire on the cliffs by the water's edge. The wolves had indeed returned to La Push. And I dreamed of Bella fighting to close the open hole in her chest that Edward had left. It would get smaller at times, but it was always there. I would still have to keep a close watch on her, in case she did anything to try to elicit an internal response from Edward again. I should've never done that, tell her to stop in Edward's voice, but it was too late now.
I woke up very slowly, not wanting to move any part of my body. I slowly opened one eye and all I could see was dark gray and black. Was I still in the cave? Or was this purgatory? Certainly, hell would be warmer.
I lifted my fingers slowly then my hands. Then I wiggled my toes and moved my feet. I took a slow, deep breath and tried to lift my left arm. There was no pain. I looked down and I could see enough to know that the hides were no longer wrapped round me. I fumbled around for the matches and another candle. When I was finally able to get one lit I felt for my shoulder. It was attached. My shoulder and arm had reattached itself! I moved my body around, lifting my arm and making small circles but there was no pain, I was completely healed. The only thing I felt was… hunger. I was hungry, really hungry!
I found my clothes and they had dried. They were cold, but they were dry. I took the laces out of my shoes and I wrapped my clothes as tightly as I could in a few of the hides and then crisscrossed the laces around it to hold it tight. I was hoping it would keep my clothes dry enough to put them on when I got out of the water.
I took a few deep breaths and slid into the cold water. The severed head was still inside the entrance. I was at the surface and out of the water in less than thirty seconds. The sun was just coming up over the mountains. I untied the hides and luckily, my clothes were still relatively dry, not completely, but they weren't soaking wet either. I dressed quickly and ran home.
The house was warm and I looked around for anything that might tell me what day it was. I had no telephone, to television and the cell phone got no service out here. I went and got my cell phone out of the car. It was dead, so I had to have been away for at least… I counted on my fingers… at least five days for the battery to go dead in standby, not taking into account the cold. The radio, I thought. I ran into the house, scaring the returned raccoon back under the sink. I turned on the radio and found an AM station. I listened.
But, I guess it really didn't matter how long I was out. The fact was, I was still alive and completely healed. I had been able to kill a vampire with my own two hands and I had healed from a vampire attack. It didn't matter if I had been out for a month… A month? Bella!
I focused intently on Bella and she was fine. According to her thoughts I determined I had been in the cave about a week.
I heard the raccoon rustle under the sink and I felt my mouth water. I was hungry. I had to go hunting. But with what? I had no bow, no guns… I heard the raccoon rustle again and I nearly went after it.
I had nothing to hunt with so I decided to go shopping, first for food, then for a bow. I looked down at my clothes and striped out of them. I showered, dressed, grabbed my keys and walked toward the back door. The raccoon stuck its head out from under the sink and I swore I heard it laugh at me.
"You better be gone when I get back," I growled through clenched teeth.
I stopped at the grocery store first. I was famished. I hadn't eaten in at least a week and the humans that surrounded me smelled almost too good to resist. Resist, Lily, I kept telling myself. No blood, Lily. No human blood.
I headed straight for the meat department and picked up the largest, bloodiest steaks I could find. By the time I had checked out I was nearly having to hold my breath. I couldn't ever remember being this thirsty for blood. I was grateful that I had healed while asleep in the cave, but if I were to lose it right now, it would be catastrophic. I can only describe it as being in the desert for a week and then being put next to a waterfall that you were forbidden to drink from. It was excruciating. My mouth watered and the vampire lurked right below the surface, just waiting for the slightest lapse in my judgment.
I pressed my claws into my palms as walked to the car, trying to distract myself from the gnawing in my gut. Healed shoulder or not, this was way too dangerous, and I found myself asking whether or not it had been worth it. I had never had to fight this hard for control.
I got in the car, started the engine, threw the car into gear and white smoked out of the parking lot and fishtailed into traffic. I floored it and ran the next two red lights. I had to feed, and now. I drove toward home and as soon as I was on my road and I was sure there was no one around, I slammed on the brakes, threw the car in park and tore into the grocery bags. Cellophane and Styrofoam flew in every direction and low growls permeated the car. I devoured the steaks as soon as I could them to my mouth.
When I had finally had my fill, I looked down at my shaking hands. There were splatters of watered down blood everywhere; on the dash, on the windows and all over me. I griped the steering wheel and put my forehead against my hands. My head was starting to spin.
"I can never let that happen again," I demanded aloud.
My head stopped spinning and I drove the rest of the way home.
Once inside, the raccoon poked its head out of the cabinet. It was teasing me, I was almost sure of it. I slammed the cabinet doors shut and slung a chair in front of them. Then thought better of it, went and grabbed a wire coat hanger from the closet and bent it around the knobs on the cabinet doors. Then I went to my bedroom, dug a blanket out the cedar chest at the foot of the bed, wrapped myself in it and was soon sound asleep.