I dedicate the rest of my contributions to Fanficsins, as well as the entirety of DayZ and Radical Historical Exploits, to Joan Rivers, a comedy legend whose rage and outrageous, unapologetic comments have deeply influenced my sense of humor.
Everything
Wrong
With:
My Immortal: Part II: The Slitting
Chapter 5.
AN: STOP flaming! (Stop writing. Sin Count: 156.)if u flam it menz ur a prep (Prep. Sin Count: 164) or a posr!(This isn't a text conversation you over-reactive cunt. Sin Count: 165.)a only resonDumbledeorswor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx!(That's completely logical reasoning. Headaches have been known to stop sex nights, but not presidential assassinations. Sin Count: 166.) PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!(Please, God, Buddha, Allah, Zeus, Flying Spaghetti Monster, don't let more of this come!)
Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.
"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.(Yes, the two of you are an overrated R&B artist. Sin Count: 167.)
I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face.(New game, double the sin for her menstrual cycle striking her tear ducts! Sin Count: 168.) Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.(How are they angry? I know Snape is a pissed off emo dude, but who's this bitch? Do they have rage telekinesis?! Sin Count: 169.)
"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.(That's what I call the…forbidden dance. YEAH!)
"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.(Yes, your sexual prowess is completely lackluster. Now, Malfoy and girl, let me demonstrate with Professor Snape proper intercourse techniques. (Monty Python reference.) Sin Count: 170.)
"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.(Yes, that was completely...inappropriate? I don't know, I'm ambiguous to underage sex in a fucking Forbidden Forest! Sin Count: 171.)
And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"(Yes, a one night stand filled with booze and drugs has cleared his mind to help him realize he is in love with what, to a sober mind, looks like a beached sperm whale doused in bird shit. Sin Count: 172.)
Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."(Yes, forgive them and give them even more unsupervised alone time. Sin Count: 173.)
Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.(Why are you letting them just go with eachother?! Even in the slut house that is college the sluts and studs are separated in separate houses! Sin Count: 174.)
"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.
"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out….(Why are you wearing heels, you're going to bed? Plus, in Joan River's honor, I will roast her clothing choice. There's enough much lace in her dresses to get David Carradine off. Sin Count: 175.)
Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte.(No, stay dead. Sin Count: 176.) I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.(Wow, once again the plot is so vague but the clothing is as vivid as green shit on a wedding dress. Sin Count: 177.)
Chapter 6.
AN: shjt up prepz (Preps. Sin Count: 193) ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me gooodrevows!(Wat? You just said you wouldn't update unless you got good reviews. Why do you continue? Ten sins for being a liar. Sin Count: 203.)
The next day I woke up in my coffin. (It lives, unfortunately. Sin Count: 204.)I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black.(God, more clothing descriptions. Seriously, have you no shame? You're clothes are so black and useless they've banged the Kardashian sisters. Sin Count: 205.) I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears.(Keep this in mind as she become more of a fervent "Satanist".) I spray-painted my hair with purple.(Yes, because I want to look like that grape with a fungal infection. Speaking of Tara's snatch…Sin Count: 206.)
In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. (…You've got to be fucking kidding me. Seriously, this is a joke, right? 20 sins. Sin Count: 226.) Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.(You now know how Jackie Kennedy felt on that fateful car ride. Fun Fact: Jackie's dress was white when she bought it! Sin Count: 227.)
"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic (Gothic. Sin Count: 243) boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. (Here we go. Sin Count: 244.)He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore.(Wow, way to ruin the grand reveal. Couldn't you wait to describe him afterward? Sin Count: 229.) He had a manly stubble on his chin.(How is it manly? How can you see it? He has makeup over it? Sin Count: 245.) He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden.(The disowned, disinherited bastard nephew of John Madden. Sin Count: 246.) He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko.(Yes, I'm the sicko. You insinuate that this guy gets your whisker biscuit wet but God forbid I connect the dots and say you have boner, that's just gross. Sin Count: 247.)
"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.
"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.(We already know, and so do you. Sin Count: 248.)
"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.(You've got to be fucking kidding me. This goth shit is getting old. Also, why did he grumble, did he just have a bipolar flop? Introducing yourself is not a moment to hush up and talk under your breath. Sin Count: 250.)
"Why?" I exclaimed.
"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled.(Harry has a blood fetish, too… Sin Count: 251.)
"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.(No, you have a blood fetish. Something tells me she makes tea with her used tampons. Sin Count: 252.)
"Really?" he whimpered.(Why is he whimpering?! He drinks blood as a legit…God forgive me…poser, and shits himself upon meeting a real "vampire'! Harry is not only a demented OOC character, but a complete pussy. Sin Count: 253.)
"Yeah." I roared.(I can do this all day. Where's the exclamation point? What warranted you to unleash your raptard screech? Sin Count: 254.)
We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.(New game! Every time she says, "…so we, I went. Sin Count: 255.)
Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life(Quoting shitty emo songs. Sin Count: 256.)
AN: wel ok u guyzim only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws.(God didn't even leave good reviews, he told her to stop or he'd give her all of the plagues. Sin Count: 257.)n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons!(Okay, a tin god? Now you're just getting sacrilegious and crazy. Sin Count: 258.) STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! (Good look reporting the thousands of trolls who will make this story even funnier.)Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! (New name. Sin Count: 259. Also, take it easy, it is hard being a Satanist. 8th grade is really tough.)n she has problemzshes depressed 4 godz sake!(Stop right there! In the wake of so many suicides and problems linked to depression. Your character does not have depression whatsoever. She is a spoiled, rich, over-privileged inbred orangutan. Sin Count: 260.)
Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doezdat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?).(Yes, you make her seem glamorous in every way and perfect while claiming she isn't. 20 sins for faulty logic and bullshit. Sin Count: 280.) I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes.(Just like me as I read this. Sin Count: 281.) I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…(New GAME! For unneeded ellipses, we double the sin! Sin Count: 282.)
We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. (How is making out without passion? Seriously, is his tongue wriggling that dull the only thing that gets you excited is getting right to the hot and sweaty? Five sins for absolute sluthood. Sin Count: 287.)He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants.(Yes, she wears a bar. It's the only thing about her that remains hard. Even Draco goes soft at some point or another. Sin Count: 288.) We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)(Your sex scenes are boner repellent. Seriously, I got softer reading this. Yes, this is incredibly stupid. The way you describe sex is like watching a 4 year old explain how food becomes poop. Sin Count: 290.)
"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. (No, women, unfortunately, don't climax this quickly. This author clearly knows nothing but just the most basic of sexual education. I mean, for God's sake, my uncle had the courtesy to teach me what a rim job was when I was 8. Sin Count: 291.)It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire!(Unneeded ellipses. Sin Count: 293.)
I was so angry.(Why? He's boning you, who cares if he…Oh God, I grasp the concept ahead of me. This is a yaoi/yuri story. 25 sins. Sin Count: 318.)
"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.
"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.(You see he was with the guy you are probably having sexual fantasies about, why not go with it? Have a threesome! Sin Count: 319.)
"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"(Okay, hold up. You seem a pretty strong advocate for incest, drug use, Satanism, and later say you're cool with gays. Why would you say this?! This is so insensitive and offensive, I have a gay friend who happened to contract HIV and is very careful about it. Knowing you, you horse-banging dumpster-whore, you probably have every conceivable disease known to man, monkey, and dolphin, including fin rot. 25 sins. Sin Count: 344)
I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. (Again, you cuss and spout off baseless accusations that offend even me, but you can't say penis, phallus, dick, cock, disco stick, glue gun, one-eyed snake, or pocket rocket? Sin Count: 345.)I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.
"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.(Close, he's fucking your boyfriend and, unlike you, he can actually get your boyfriend off. Sin Count: 346.)
Chapter 8.
AN: stop flassing ok! if u do de prep!(Let's see: Going to college, doing well in life, work and school, enjoy life, do assignments and study, have future planned out and be responsible…Yep, I'm a prep! Sin Count: 347.) (Also, Prep. Sin Count: 379)
Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.(He shows he wants to be with you even though he will be mocked for the rest of his Hogwarts career. Yep, totally believable, since he could easily have dressed first. Sin Count: 380.)
"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.
My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly.(You've got to be fucking kidding me. Is the apostrophe necessary? 20 sins for every shitty goth name. Sin Count: 400.) She flipped her long waste-length gothic (Gothic. Sin Count: 432) black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on.(Why is she modelling in the middle of class? How can she see with her eyes closed? What is with this fixation you have on colored contacts? A sin for each. Sin Count: 433.) She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. (Fuck, strap in kids, we're going on a retarded field trip on clothing.) Hermione was kidnapped when she was born.(Are you serious?! That's Hermione!? Sin Count: 434.) Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it.(No, fuck this backstory. Too short, too poorly crafted, too lazy. You have the dumbest of fixations on the pseudo-Satanism and vampires, both things you know absolutely nothing about aside from Twilight and The Vampire Diaries you retard. Plus, you obsess on suicide, so do it already. Finally, as we progress, you'll see how this suicide attempt would be in vain. 30 sins. Sin Count: 464.) She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. (She shouldn't, from your point of view, Satanists and vampires only care about two things, retarded Gothic stereotypes and our Mary Sue. Sin Count: 465.)It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger.(Nothing says badass vampire last name like Smith. Sin Count: 466.) (Since she has converted to Satanism she is inSlytherin now not Griffindoor.)(New game! Every time we get someone whose parent's were either Satanic, vampires, witches, and they were kidnapped, converted to Satanism and Slytherin, 50 sins and take a shot. Legally, I will not admit to drinking. Sin Count: 516.)
"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.(Because calling you what you are but in a polite way is putting you down. Sin Count: 517.)
"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him.
Everyone gasped.(Another game! Anytime anyone gasps: take 2 shots. If it is preceded by ellipses, take a shit. Both result in 20 sins. Sin Count: 537.)
I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart(Where did the change of perspective come from? Sin Count: 538.). He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker.(Who is doing great at Hogwarts while our protagonists slowly slide to failing. Sin Count: 539.) (Also, more preps. Sin Count: 603) We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)(Yes, unexplained reasons of becoming a Goth, at least 2 sins. Sin Count: 604.) (Also, gothic. Sin Count: 668) (Just for you Tara, we skipped over your favorite number.)
"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.
"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. (Switches perspective again without warning. Sin Count: 669.)I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.(Yes, he made it so I could no longer get pregnant. He insisted on using the chainsaw. I would give a sin, but this thing can't breed now.)