Title: The ARK Angels of DX and the Rated R Godfather
Author: Kaykyaka
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the WWE and TNA characters used within this fictional story. No copyright infringement is intended and no money is being made by this work of fiction.
Ratings: T
Characters: Shawn, Cameron and Cheyenne Michaels, Amy 'Lita' Dumas Michaels, Hunter Hurst Helmsley, LC Helmsley, Aurora Rose Helmsley, Chyna, Trish Stratus, Randy Orton, Melina and Johnny Hennigan, Carlito, Edge, Shelton Benjamin, Stephanie and Chris Jericho, the RAW and Smackdown Superstars
Summary: Edge comes into contact with a scared little girl and some very angry men. He asks the ARK Angels of DX for help but little did he know how this would affect Randy and Trish's very special day or Melina's mission in Fiji.
Chapter Ten – The Tortilla Chip Road
Trish's house, around 8pm:
When Krystal Benjamin arrived with Roxxi Laveaux who couldn't get enough of Carlito Trish thought it would be a good idea if she separated everyone into groups – the men in one group and the women in the other. This was mostly so Edge wouldn't have a chance to chew her ear off about being her firstborn's godfather even though the Rated R Superstar promised her he'd be good she knew better. As soon as the girls followed Trish upstairs the boys pouted.
"Great now I'll never get to Trish – ow!" Edge said as Carlito slapped him around the head, "What did you do that for?" he said to Carlito.
"To knock some sense into you, if you weren't so determined to wear Trish down I'd be with my girlfriend right now instead of hanging out with a bunch of dudes all night!" Carlito complained.
"Are you telling me that if Trish didn't name you as godfather you wouldn't do the exact same-thing?" Edge asked Carlito and the Cool one thought about it.
"Dude's got a point," Carlito said to Shelton and Johnny, "of course there's no way that could have happened as I am obviously godfather material and a bona fide chick magnet I might add,"
"Well so am I," Edge protested and Hunter sighed.
"Man this is getting old, can we talk about something other than your insane quest to become godfather?" Hunter asked Edge.
"Okay, let's talk about how we can convince the girls to come down here and hang out with us," Edge said.
"I wouldn't mind that," Shelton said and the other guys nodded except Shawn, "don't you wanna hang out with Amy?" Shelton asked HBK who shook his head.
"Not now, the woman hasn't stopped eating all day, she's like a bomb just waiting to go off and I don't wanna be there when she does," Shawn said and the men scrunched up their noses while Edge nodded liking the sound of that.
Upstairs in Trish's room The Truth waited out the inevitable while the girls talked about her and Randy while eating tortilla chips.
"What's up Trish?" Roxxi asked as Trish sat with her legs crossed away from the other women.
"Nothing's up I'm just waiting," Trish replied and the women frowned.
"Waiting for what?" Krystal asked passing the bowl of tortilla chips around.
"Waiting for Amy to fart," Trish replied and the women laughed while Amy devoured what was left of the tortilla chips.
"Why are you waiting for that?" she asked.
"Honey you got a little something on your face," Krystal said wiping the tortilla chip crumbs off of Amy's face.
"Because your fart is gonna send the girls flying out of here right into their men's arms not to mention funk up my bedroom," Trish replied.
"Oh so that's why you've got the window open," Angelina Love said reaching for the bowl of tortilla chips which was now empty, "You've got more of these right Trish?" Angelina asked the host.
"Yeah they're in the kitchen," Trish said then Amy farted and all the women covered their noses and leapt to their feet.
"I'll see you down there!" Angelina replied pulling Trish's bedroom door open and all the women ran out just as Trish had predicted but Amy grabbed onto Angelina's leg and dragged her back into the room.
"Oh no you don't, those tortilla chips are mine!" she said and she held Angelina down while the TNA Knockout struggled for air.
"Trish help I can't take the smell!" Angelina yelled but the Truth was already gone, she couldn't take the smell either. Angelina tried to crawl to the door but Amy was sitting on her back and it was like trying to drag a pregnant rhinoceros through the mud. Angelina stuck her head through the door and called out to Edge. "Edge I need you!" she yelled.
"I'm coming baby!" Edge said as the women fled down the stairs to their respective beaus he caught Trish by the arm, "I'll be right back," he assured her and Trish hip-tossed him off her to the bottom of the stairs.
"Man things are getting violent between these two," Cameron said and Edge tried to shake off the contact he just made with the floor.
"Edge hurry!" Angelina called out desperately.
"I'm coming Angie!" Edge called back and he ran up the stairs and came nose-to-nose with the most offensive odor he had ever encountered and pulled the neck of his t shirt up over his nose, "What is that smell?!" he asked disgusted.
"It was me!" Amy said with a big smile on her face, it was as if she was proud of her flatulence.
"That's disgusting!" Edge said.
"Just get her off me!" Angelina said.
"Okay I'll try," Edge said and he went to lift Amy up but then she farted again and Edge flew back holding his nose. "I can't do it, her farts are just too powerful," he said.
"Okay if you can't save me, save the tortilla chips there's only one bag left!" Angelina said and Edge ran down to the kitchen to retrieve them. Shawn saw the tortilla chips and knew instantly what was going on up there.
"I've got an idea," Shawn said taking the tortilla chips from Edge and he headed up the stairs but Edge pulled him back.
"What are you doing you can't go up there?" Edge warned him.
"Yeah it's toxic!" Roxxi Laveaux said, "you'll never make it back alive,"
"But I've got to," Shawn said dramatically, "one day when you're married you'll understand," and he turned to go up the stairs.
"Dad wait!" Cameron called out and he pulled the neck of his father's t shirt up over his nose.
"Thanks son," Shawn said and went up the stairs while everyone watched from way below. As he approached Trish's bedroom the smell of his wife's farts hit him like a punch in the face. He thought he'd be immune to the smell by now but he was wrong, the farts were as lethal as ever. As he approached his wife he could see that Angelina was still conscious, how she had managed to stick in there he didn't know but she was a good soldier and he was impressed by her guts.
"Help me," Angelina said in a feint voice.
"It will all be over in a moment," Shawn reassured Angelina and he pulled out the bag of tortilla chips he'd been concealing behind his back and opened them up.
Amy's eyes widened at the sound of the bag being opened and her mouth started to water as Shawn pulled a whole chip from the bag.
"Come on Amy, come get the chip," Shawn said and he began to draw a line of tortilla chips from Trish's bedroom door to the top of the stairs and Amy climbed off of Angelina Love's back and ate the trail of tortilla chips that Shawn had laid out for her, "That's it follow the Tortilla Chip Road," Shawn said then he looked up at Angelina, "Go, go!" he whispered to her and Angelina ran down the stairs into Edge's waiting arms.
"You made it," Edge said relieved.
"Oh Edge it was awful, just awful," Angelina said.
"Its over now," Edge said and kissed Angelina passionately while everyone looked up the stairs and saw Amy eating a line of tortilla chips all the way down the stairs on her hands and knees.
"He's so brave," Johnny said he wouldn't dare get that close to Melina with an open bag of tortilla chips without re-enforcements.
When Shawn got to the last step he threw the bag of chips to Cheyenne who was the only person strong enough to hold off the Anointed one who wanted to know where the chips went, "Where'd they all go?" she said with crumbs flying out of her mouth and hitting Shawn in the face.
"I think you've had enough," Shawn said wiping the masticated crumbs off his face and Amy pulled on his t shirt angrily.
"But I want more!" she insisted.
"You've had enough!" Shawn cried back, "Look at what you've become, you've got crumbs on your face, in your hair and your farts are stinking up the place and alienating all your friends!"
"But I have you I don't need anybody else," Amy said to her husband wrapping her arms around his neck and smiling into his face.
"Oh honey that's so sweet," he said and he kissed her.
"It may be sweet but it sure ain't pretty," LC said and she showed Amy a video clip of her eating the tortilla chips off the stairs on her cell-phone and Amy covered her mouth embarrassed by her behavior.
"Man I better pull myself together, thanks LC," Amy said and she hugged Angelina, "I'm sorry Angie," she said.
"That's okay," Angelina said, she was just thankful to have her air back.
Amy turned to Trish, "And I'm sorry for stinking up your bedroom," she said to Trish and Trish hugged her.
"That's okay the worst is over now we can go back upstairs," Trish said and the guys sighed.
"Can't we hang out together?" Carlito complained.
"I would love to hang out with you guys but I'm gonna end up Spearing Edge out of my bedroom window," Trish said.
"No you won't we'll keep an eye on him," Johnny said and Trish sighed, there was just no point in arguing over something she already knew was going to happen.
"Okay fine, I'll be right back," she said and she disappeared into the living room, when she re-appeared she was pushing her couch outside the door. Everyone followed her outside and saw that she had positioned it under her bedroom window.
"What is that for?" Shelton asked.
"It'll soften the blow," Trish replied giving Edge a warning glare and everyone exchanged glances hoping Edge would keep his mouth shut.
Back upstairs in Trish's aired-out bedroom the wrestlers talked about the wedding while the ARK Angels played just outside in the hall way. Shawn always insisted they weren't present when adults were having a conversation but that all changed when Cheyenne's Phenomenal hearing picked up a very familiar name.
"I'm not surprised you picked Shelton to be one of your godfathers Trish, you should see him with Little Sexy, they're in separable," Krystal Benjamin said.
"At first I was just talking to him to keep an eye on him because I knew how much he liked Krystal," Shelton said.
"Its not like he'd make a move on her he's 11 years old," Johnny said and DX raised their eyebrows.
"I wouldn't put anything past Big or Little Sexy," Hunter said and Chyna and Shawn nodded.
"Exactly, anyway I think his schoolboy crush on Krystal is over now, so I've really gotten to know him. He's such an intelligent little boy, I think he's gonna do his old man proud some day," Shelton said.
"As long as he can keep his eyes on his books and off the girls," Krystal said and Trish huffed.
"Yeah right, he's already replaced you with Charlene McKenzie," Trish said and Shelton gasped.
"How did you know about that?" Shelton said.
"I'm The Truth: Trish Stratus," Trish replied.
"Well nobody's supposed to know about that, I told him I would keep it a secret and you just blurted it out in front of everybody!" Shelton said to Trish annoyed and everyone laughed.
"Why are you getting all worked up they're just kids?" Hunter said.
"That's not the point he trusted me and trust is the cornerstone of any good relationship whether you're an adult or child," Shelton said and Trish smiled knowing Shelton was going to be a great godfather.
"So he really likes this girl huh?" Shawn asked and Shelton frowned.
"What makes you say that?" he asked.
"Cameron told me," Shawn replied and Shelton gasped.
"Cameron told you?" he said appalled and Cheyenne turned to her brother and told him to get away from the door.
"Why?" Cameron asked as Shelton came through the door with a displeased look on his face.
"That's why," Cheyenne said.
"Cameron don't you understand that when someone says don't say anything you keep your mouth shut?" Shelton asked the Amazing one.
"I totally agree with you Shelton but it wasn't my fault, Cheyenne has Phenomenal hearing and she blabbed about it to Carla McCool and then The Truth told Charlene," Cameron said in his own defense.
"Charlene knows?!" Shelton said grabbing his head in panic and Cameron nodded.
"Charlene knows," Cameron replied.
"Oh no this ain't good," he said and he turned to Cheyenne, "I'm gonna tell off The Truth but I'm gonna need you to turn your Phenomenal hearing down can you do that Cheyenne?" Shelton asked Shawn's baby girl.
"I have a new policy – No More Secrets," Cheyenne said.
"Well could you combine it with your brother's wisdom so people's lives are protected?" Shelton asked Cheyenne who nodded.
"Okay," she said.
"Thank you for co-operating," Shelton said and Johnny and Carlito signaled him, it appeared to be an emergency.
"Shelton get in here, Edge is on the prowl," Carlito said and he flew back into Trish's bedroom.
"He really is good with kids," LC said impressed by the way Shelton talked to Cameron and Cheyenne then she went back to staring at her cell-phone watching the clip of Amy eating tortilla chips off the stairs over and over again.
"How many times are you gonna watch that?" Cameron asked her.
"Until it stops being funny," LC said and it looked like the joke wasn't wearing off anytime soon.
Back in the bedroom Edge was on the rampage, "You see Trish I think I am totally trustworthy, just like Shelton," he started and the godfathers held him back and covered his mouth.
"You are nothing like Shelton," Trish replied and Edge took the godfathers' hands off his mouth so he could respond.
"Do you want me to be more like Shelton?" Edge asked and Trish sunk into a ball.
"I thought you said you weren't going to chew my ear off?" she said annoyed and Edge broke free of the godfathers and went over to her.
"You're right I'm sorry Trish, how can I make it up to you?" Edge asked her and Trish got to her feet.
"Could you open the window?" Trish asked and Amy smelled the room to see if it was still toxic and it wasn't.
"Why do you want Edge to open the window are you hot or something?" Amy asked Trish.
"Don't bother the woman Amy, if she wants the window open she shall have the window open," Edge said hoisting the window up as Trish backed up.
"Uh-oh," Amy said realizing what her sister in Christ was about to do and as Edge turned around she Speared him through the window onto the couch outside.
"Whoa!" the godfathers said.
"That wasn't very Christian Trish," Angelina said.
"I put the couch out there," Trish replied as everyone went to check on the Rated R Superstar to make sure he was okay. They found him upside down with his legs over his head.
"I should have seen that coming," he said to himself as the godfathers sat him upright, "Whoa I'm dizzy, now I know how Jeff Hardy felt when I Speared him off that ladder at WrestleMania 17," Edge said trying to stop his head from spinning.
"At least Trish put out a couch for you to land on," Carlito said.
"Maybe you should stop this whole godfather thing now Edge before you get hurt," Angelina said to him and the other godfathers agreed.
"I'm fine Angie, besides the only pain I'm gonna feel is if I never become godfather to Randy and Trish's firstborn child," Edge said and got off the couch a little too quickly and he ended up falling back onto it.
"Looks like Edge is in for a very painful week," Joanie said as Edge's race to become godfather went into high gear.
Trish looked down at Edge from her window as he staggered to his feet and tried to walk straight.
"You're going about this the wrong way," she said and she shook her head and closed the window, when she turned around she saw the ARK Angels looking back at her.
"You don't really think Edge would be a bad godfather do you?" Cameron asked her.
Trish smiled and came over to them and kissed them individually on the head fondly, "I think its time for you kids to go to bed," she said and she walked them to their guest bedroom. Cameron jumped out of the room before Trish could close the door, the fact that she had avoided the question had stirred up Cameron's suspicions even more.
"I have one question," he said.
"Go ahead," Trish replied humoring him.
"Does this have anything to do with the girl that's missing?" Cameron asked and Trish ruffled his hair.
"That's for me to know and for you to find out," she replied and she put Cameron back into the guest bedroom and closed the door behind him.
"What did you get out of her?" LC asked him.
"Nothing, we're gonna have to work this one out for ourselves," Cameron replied.
"Well why don't we have a few tortilla chips while we're thinking?" LC said opening the bag of chips Cheyenne had been guarding and Cameron and Cheyenne helped themselves while Trish leaned on the door outside and smiled.
"I'm counting on you guys, I know you won't let me down," she said to herself before joining her friends downstairs.