CROSSING THE LINE - Chapter 10: Darkest before the dawn...
DISCLAIMER: Of the many things that are mine to possess, Rurouni Kenshin and his companions are not among them.
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Megumi finished bandaging a young girl's arm. Megumi had given her a stern, but kind, lecture about safety, and it was time for the pop quiz. "Now, next time you want to get something off a high shelf, what are you going to do?"
"Ask for help," the bashful child replied, grinding her sandal against the floor.
"That's right. There, your arm will be all better in no time." Megumi spoke with reassurance, and gave an affectionate pat to the girl's messy hair. She turned to put away her medical instruments when a tiny hand tugged at her kimono. She looked down to see wide chocolate eyes staring up at her.
"Thank you Doctor-sama!" Tiny arms encircled Megumi's legs tightly before the smiling child ran out the door to her waiting parents. She waved excitedly, and then left the office.
Megumi returned the wave meekly as a small smile crept its way onto her features. She remained there until a timid knock at the clinic's door drew her away.
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The eerie silence that had enveloped the dojo since Kaoru left had gone on so long Yahiko was beginning to question if he was deaf.
"Aren't you going to go after her?" the boy finally asked. His voice sounded strange as it broke the quiet.
More silence answered his reply.
"Stop being so selfish, she needs you!" Yahiko pushed with growing irritation at the blank expressions on Sano and Kenshin's faces.
"Which of us are you talking to, kid?" Sano asked dejectedly.
"KUSO!" The outburst managed to get their attention. "I'm talking to both of you. She needs you both."
"I don't think Kaoru-dono wants to see either of us right now, Yahiko," a weary sounding Kenshin said more to himself than to the others.
"She just yelled. She is the tanuki--that is what she does! She probably isn't even mad anymore. Most likely she is afraid you are both mad at her. So get out there, and look for her!" Yahiko exclaimed, and waited for them to react, but aside from some uncomfortable shifting from Sano, neither man did anything.
"Why aren't you going?!" Yahiko asked through gritted teeth.
"Things are different, Yahiko," Kenshin tried to explain.
"What's different? Do you hate Kaoru? Do you want to see her hurt?" he prompted impatiently.
"Never!" came Kenshin's firm reply, but after a long pause he sorrowfully added, "but I think, right now, I am the one hurting her."
"No, Kenshin," Sano spoke up. "This is all my fault. If I hadn't been so selfish none of this would have happened." Hearing no reply, Sano dared to cast a glance at the fiery swordsman. Instead of the hard, piercing eyes he had met in battle moments ago, he found overwhelmingly sad, thoughtful eyes.
"Do you love her?" Kenshin asked in a shaken tone.
"Hai." Sano replied softly in a mix of guilt and longing.
The rurouni slowly walked out of the dojo, but before he was out of earshot he said, "We always did have a lot in common."
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"Can I come in?" Kaoru asked Megumi when she answered the door. The normally vibrant girl seemed to be little more than a shadow of her usual self.
Megumi said nothing, but opened the door wider for her to enter. The older women scrutinized Kaoru in search of some physical signs for her current state of depression, but found nothing more serious than minor lacerations on her hands. She noted the girl's face was flushed from excessive crying.
"What brings you?" Megumi asked, omitting the tanuki name she normally would have used.
"I-I didn't know where else to go," she said faintly, making no attempt to elaborate further.
"What happened? Why can't you go home?" Megumi asked with genuine curiosity. She had a suspicion that the rooster was involved somehow.
In a very small voice Kaoru said, "Sano and Kenshin are there."
Megumi was more aware of the situation than Kaoru realized, but she wanted to draw the girl out, so she pretended to be confused. "I know the rooster can be quite the baka, but why would you want to hide from Ken-san?"
Kaoru studied her hands intently as she tried to gather an answer. "Oh Megumi, something terrible has happened." Her voice broke, and she once again collapsed into a fit of tears.
The sight of the open hearted young girl in such turmoil tugged at Megumi's compassion. She wrapped her arms around Kaoru's shoulders, and allowed the girl to unload her emotional burden. Rubbing her back in small circles, they sat without speaking until Kaoru's tears finally relented.
"Now, tell me what the terrible thing was," Megumi prodded.
Kaoru related the entire story of Kenshin leaving, and Sano and her growing closer. When she got to the bit about the kiss she fidgeted uncomfortably--not noticing the way the color raced out of Megumi's face. She finished with the most recent conflict, dropping her head low as she recounted the awful things she had said to the two men.
"And then I couldn't think of what else to do so I came here," she finished expecting a reply, but when none came she got nervous. "Megumi?"
"I see." The doctor said rather coldly, making Kaoru withdraw slightly.
"You are mad at me too." Kaoru stated bleakly as the last bit of her strength evaporated.
Sighing deeply, Megumi mentally scolded herself. 'It isn't her fault. I had many chances with Sano. Ken-san and I made the same mistakes, and now we are both paying for our silence.'
"Kaoru," Megumi began, but the girl refused to make eye contact. "Kaoru, look at me. I am not angry with you."
The younger woman hesitantly lifted her gaze. "You should be. Everyone should be. I'm a horrible buso tanuki just like everyone says!"
"Would that make things easier for you? Would you just climb under a rock, and pretend none of your feelings exist? Will you just give up on Sano and Ken-san?" Megumi asked in a scolding tone.
"They are better off without me," she said full of self-hatred.
"If you are going to be an idiot this conversation is over!" Megumi said passionately, even as her exterior remained cool and collected.
Kaoru gaped in surprise at the woman's harsh voice.
"They were both alone when they met you. Sano was living from one quick thrill to the next, when he challenged Ken-san. It might have been their kindred spirits that encouraged him to give up his position as a fighter-for-hire, but it was the way you opened your home and heart to him that made him stay.
"And Ken-san was a wanderer with no place to call home and no one to call friend. You changed that too. You taught him there were people who could see beyond his past to the kind-hearted man he is.
"I say this with full sincerity, so pay attention, you gave their lives the meaning they were lacking. They are not better off without you. They are lost without you." Megumi finished her speech. Her skin had bristled while she spoke, but she knew everything had been true. She had always known how important Kaoru was to both men, but she had never put it into words before. It made Megumi feel her presence within the group was very small indeed.
"Megumi..." Kaoru said with embarrassment staining her pale cheeks, "Arigato."
"I only pointed out the obvious," Megumi said in dismissive voice as she fought back her own inner turmoil.
Kaoru began pondering the situation out loud. "The way they fought...it was as if they were fighting over me, but that can't be right, can it? Sano said things that implied he likes me, and he did kiss me." She brushed her fingertips over her lips at the memory, missing the wince that ran through Megumi at the comment.
Kaoru continued, "But I don't know how Kenshin feels. There have been times I was sure he returned my feelings, like the night with the fireflies, but he never treats me the way I see other men treating the women they court." In a quieter, thoughtful voice she added, "He doesn't treat me the way Sano does."
"Doesn't care about you?! You're a bigger baka than I thought! That man has loved you since the first day I met him. He may not scream it from the rooftops, or recite it in flowery poetry. But every time he scrubs the laundry he is showing his love for you. Every breakfast he wakes up early to prepare is out of love for you. Every time he says 'Karou-dono' he is full to overflowing with love for you, and you are too blind to see it!
"Most people never see that kind of love and devotion!" Megumi shouted before finishing in a barely audible whisper, "I'll never see it."
After a long pause of fighting back tears, Megumi continued, "Right now there are two men who want nothing more than to spend the rest of their lives making you happy. I think it is time you go. I have real patients to see, and you have a heart to break."
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Yahiko had left the dojo in search of Kaoru. He had initially hoped that was where Kenshin had gone when he left, but much to the young man's dismay he found Kenshin hard at work on chores as if nothing had ever happened.
'No wonder Kaoru is having a hard time figuring out if he cares. That guy is going to soap and scrub his way right out of her heart.' Yahiko glanced back sadly, 'That is, if he hasn't already.'
Yahiko walked toward town, but continued to scan the area as he went in case she had veered off along the way.
'Kenshin is amazing in battle. I dream about being able to have moves like his. And he does so many chores that without him, I'm pretty sure Kaoru and Sano would fall apart. OK, I probably would too. But that isn't what makes me admire him. It's the way he talks to me like he knows exactly what I'm thinking. When it mattered most he always managed to say just the right thing. So why can't he just do that with Kaoru?
'Maybe Kenshin just has a hard time understanding women. I guess Sano was right when he said girls don't make any sense.'
Yahiko laughed to himself at the thought of Sano being right about anything--especially women. 'Of course, maybe Sano being right isn't so ridiculous. After all, when Kenshin went off on this latest mission I was sure Kaoru was going to stay in bed weeping until he got back, but she didn't. In fact, there were times during his absence I've never seen her so happy and carefree.
'Maybe Sano is right--right for Kaoru.' He sighed deeply at that thought, and picked up his pace.
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Megumi stared at the still swinging door. Kaoru had practically knocked a table over in her desperation to leave the clinic.
"Kuso," she swore quietly.
'Why did I do that to her? That wasn't tough love--that was just taking out my problems on the only person forgiving enough to really care about me. And if I keep letting this chip on my shoulder tell me what to do, I won't even have her.
'Oh, I suppose Dr. Genzai, Ken-san, Yahiko, and even Sano care too, but it isn't the same. There is something so unconditional about the way Kaoru accepts people. Normally, I would see that as stupid and naive, but she is actually very strong--not that I would ever let her know that.
'I guess I can't blame Ken-san and Sano for how they feel about her. I should never have allowed my jealousy to overwhelm me like that. I really do feel bad that she is hurting so much.
'Still, having two men devoted to you would be a much better problem than feeling like you are all alone in the world. Is that more self-pity Megumi? Well, take a number. That girl lost her family too, and she never manufactured drugs that took lives.'
Megumi shook herself out of her frozen stance, and busied herself by cleaning anything she could find with even a spec of dust associated with it. The activity did little to ease her mind as she remembered the pained look on Kaoru's face.
'If I was going to be completely honest with myself I'd have to come to terms with the fact that Sano and I aren't right for each other. We fight all the time, and get on each other's nerves. We have none of the same interests, and the last thing I want to do is take care of a freeloader the rest of my life--that seems far better suited to the tanuki.
'Still, he has this way of making my cheeks flush whenever he says my real name, and try as I might I can't refuse his ridiculous requests. No wonder he manages to get by without a job. I wonder how many other foolish women have fallen for those deep dark eyes, and outrageous hair? I even like that stupid kanji on his back. I probably like him because he is so different from me, not in spite of it.
'Sometimes I think all I really want is a family--someone to love, and to love me in return. Sure, if this came in the form of an exceedingly attractive man, I wouldn't turn it away, but getting that hug from the little girl earlier made me realize I've been keeping myself cut off from people for too long.
'I'm not sure the world has forgiven me for my former actions yet, but maybe it is time I forgave myself.'
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Sano flaked the recently dried blood from his chest absently. He was trying very hard to focus on an uneven spot on the floor so the insurmountable mass of thoughts and emotions wouldn't overtake him. It wasn't working terribly well.
'I am scum. I am lower than scum. I am...I'm...Saitou!
'OK, maybe I'm not that low. What am I doing? Joking around again? Playing games? Breaking people's hearts? You've messed up plenty of times before, Sanosuke, but this time it wasn't just you that got hurt. It was Kenshin and Jou-chan.
'It is tearing me up to see Kenshin like this, but as much as I want to go over there, and fix things with him, I can't. I can't tell him that I'll back off of Kaoru. I need her. I know that is unspeakably selfish of me, but at the same time all I can think about is how I want to spend the rest of my life making her happy. It sounds like a stupid cliché, but it is the truest thing I've ever felt.'
'So why did I let the single most important person in my life run crying from my sight without so much as trying to follow her? She was so upset. What if she gets attacked? She is in no condition to fight right now!'
Before he could even finish the thought, he was out the door.
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AUTHOR'S NOTE: I have always loved fics about love triangles, especially the kind where it really seemed like it could go either way. I thought there weren't enough of them, which inspired me to write this. And now, I'm pretty sure that half of you are going to kill me based on the pairing. So that will be fun. I hope those of you who really enjoy the ending, mourn my death. I'm straying from the outline a bit so I'm not sure how many chapters are left at this point--between two and four.
Although the number of reviews isn't staggering, the quality certainly is. You guys really know how to keep a girl motivated. Thanks so much for all your support!
FF Reviewers: x1nfernal (Thanks! I hope this was soon enough for you!), kogas-mate05 (Kaoru is going through the same thing.), Crewel (Sano and Kaoru can't help falling in love either, I'm afraid.), Starian Princess (thanks for your great reviews! I feel like I'm making things a lot harder on myself by showing them both as good options, but it is more exciting that way too, yes?), baka-chibi-puffs (aww, thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed your Christmas helping of Crossing. And I'm updating this before doing another chapter in my other fic, which is very naughty of me, so I guess you can view that as your New Year's eve gift smiles), xim-chan (I don't think that is going to work out in this fic. Maybe we can bring back the days of choose your own adventure stories at some point and let that scenario play out too, but for now I'm afraid I have a different destiny in mind for the characters), naraku (sorry, I hope you enjoy it anyway!), Angel6582 (I'm glad you like Sano, I think the K/K fans might be planning an attack. I'll need you to have my back!)
AFF Reviewers: Clemen (Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you too!), Kaoru-chan (I think it will, but when the end comes feel free to disagree), De Lazy Lady Lime (so far only more emotional torment for her, no random attackers in the woods...or are there?), catti-dono (Good to have you reading and reviewing whatever site you do it on!), reene (aww, thanks! And I know what you mean. It would be a lot easier if I just hated Kenshin or something, but I like the little red head!), thebigW (Oh, I'm brave! Seriously, sometimes I feel like the spirit of Megumi has possessed me when I'm writing her, because I never really intended for her character to get so heavy in this fic. I too hope I have a good way out of this. I think this chapter helps a little.)
MM Reviewers: There aren't any! This will be the last chapter I post to MediaMiner unless I get a review there. I'm not doing it to be cruel. I just don't want to waste the time if no one is reading it there.