Part 10 – Revisiting Old Ghosts

I have no regrets of having made peace with my former best friends, but for the past two days I have been plagued with a feeling of unfinished business hovering around my heart and clenching its uncompromising fist, trying to drag me under. I had thought that our reunion of sorts would have filled me with the lightness that I had been craving for so long, but it only seems to taunt me; putting happiness within my grasp but keeping it behind glass - unattainable and beautiful.

I have no intention of keeping my friends at bay again, but I must find the peace that my life is craving. I'm just not sure how. I wish there was an owners' manual for life. If only decisions were as easy to make and answers as easy to find as merely looking them up in a book. I could flip to page one hundred and thirty-one and read the paragraph entitled: 'How to Achieve Inner Peace in Five Easy Steps.'

It's not so much a question of, 'what is the meaning of life?' But a question of what is the meaning of my life. What am I supposed to achieve in my short time here on this earth? Even I am able to admit that I have done more in my lifetime than most human beings, but is that enough? I destroyed a murderer. Why can't I feel the pride of that achievement?

I feel as though I am being punished unfairly. Every hurtle in my past threatened to knock me down for good, yet I dusted myself off each time and battled on. Am I now being thrown my last hurdle? Should I just dust myself off as best I can and wait for the end?

I sit up in my bed and glance out the window. The skeletal branches of naked Autumn trees quiver in the wind against a backdrop of roiling clouds in various shades of grey. A group of birds suddenly take flight from a nearby tree and scatter as if startled. Against the grey sky the bare branches look like veins of black ink on parchment. The sight is beautiful, if not a little depressing. Beauty is where you find it I suppose.

It seems I am being morose early today.

I heave a sigh and force myself to throw aside the warmth and safety of my blankets and begin another day.

I am about to put on the kettle for tea when I decide that I don't particularly feel like tea this morning. I place the kettle back in the cupboard, then, as if I had planned it all along, grab my jacket off the back of one of the kitchen chairs and walk out the front door.

'Draco.' I stop suddenly and stare at the blond man coming up the short walk towards me.

Draco smiles in surprise. 'Harry, I was just coming to see you.'

'Obviously,' I answer dryly, zipping up the front of my jacket and turning to lock the door.

'On your way out?'

'Very astute this morning, aren't you?' I remark as he stops before me.

'May I join you?' he asks, unperturbed.

'If you want.' I shrug. 'I'm just off to get some coffee.'

'I have my car if you'd prefer,' he offers.

'Actually, the walk is sort of what I was looking forward to…'

'Alright,' Draco immediately agrees.

'You're in a good mood,' I observe as we start off along the pavement together.

'Yes, especially considering that you didn't ring me once since the last time I saw you.'

I smile a little and shove my hands deep into my pockets. 'I just needed some time to…digest. Sorry, I didn't mean to ignore you, I was intending to call you tomorrow actually.'

'Don't worry about it,' Draco dismisses easily, gazing up at the foreboding sky over our heads.

We walk in silence for a few minutes.

'Um, I don't know if I thanked you-' I start.

'You did.'

'Oh, well…good. I was a little out of it at the hospital.'

'Yeah, I remember.' He glances at me out of the corner of his eye and I catch his gaze. He flashes me a quick smile. 'So, how did it go with the glimmer twins?' he asks, purposely changing the subject.

I grin in remembrance. 'Good. Really good, in fact. It started to feel like old times again. I almost can't believe they accepted me back so easily, and without question.'

'What have they to question you for?' Draco asks. 'You didn't do anything wrong.'

'Leaving them with only a note before disappearing for eight years?' I remind him heavily. 'I don't know that I would forgive and forget so easily.'

'I think they weresimply happy to have you back, and everything else seemed suddenly trivial.'

'That's not how you felt,' I say with a smirk.

Draco chuckles and nods. 'True, but you forget that I am a Slytherin, and therefore unrelenting in my bitterness.'

'And now it all seems trivial to you as well?'

Draco glances at me again, making sure to catch my eye. 'Forgiven and forgotten.'

'I wasn't really apologizing, but thanks anyway.' I smile teasingly.

Draco laughs. 'Then you're not forgiven.'

I laugh along with him as we enter the same coffee shop I visited the day before my birthday all those months ago. It's anice changeto notcome here alone for once. Another thought occurs to me as we join the small queue of early morning customers.

'Isn't it your birthday soon?'

Draco fidgets uneasily with his wallet, avoiding my gaze. 'Yeah.'

'In about…eleven days, right?' I persist, keeping beside him as we move forward a few paces.

'Ten, actually,' he corrects absently.

I smirk as Draco pretends to peruse the display of gourmet coffee tins. 'Something tells me you're not exactly enthused about turning thirty.'

He closes his eyes briefly, looking pained. 'Please don't mention that number.'

I chuckle as I remove my wallet and order two black coffees to go.

'It's on me old man,' I say as Draco tries to hand me a fiver.

'Thanks,' he accepts with a roll of his eyes.

I smile and grasp my own coffee warmly between my hands as we struggle back through the crowd of gathering people and out of the shop.

'It's starting to rain,' Draco observes with a frown.

It all seems so familiar: the early morning, the walk to the coffee shop, the rain…

'Shall we go back to your place?' Draco is asking me, stepping back under the cover of the faded green awning.

'No, I don't think so…' I say slowly, turning towards him. 'I think I'm going to take a walk.'

'In the rain?' he asks, disbelievingly.

'Yeah. In the rain.'

'Alright.' He sighs in resignation, stepping back out onto the wet pavement.

'You don't have to come,' I say.

'No, it's alright. How else am I going to spend any time with you, since you seem to have forgotten my phone number.'

I smile and take a sip of my steaming coffee, inhaling the delicious smell with reverence. I glance both ways, then carefully cross the street with Draco by my side.

'Do you have a destination in mind, or are we to wander aimlessly?' Draco asks as I lead him away from the central area of the city.

'There's somewhere I need to go,' I answer vaguely, not really wanting to explain, or perhaps simply unable to.

Draco nods and takes a sip from his white polystyrene cup. I watch for a moment as his pale throat contracts, swallowing the hot liquid.

'Sounds serious,' he observes casually.

'What does?'

'This place that you need to visit.'

I blink and look away. 'I suppose it is, in a way. I don't know. It's just somewhere I go to think.'

'Are you sure you don't mind the company?' he asks, glancing sideways at me.

'No.' I smile reassuringly. 'It's fine. We can talk there.'

'Anything in particular you wanted to talk about?' he hazards.

'Us,' I respond bluntly. 'Among other things.'

Draco nods, watching the wet pavement pass beneath his feet. 'Good.'

We spend the rest of the time walking in silence, alternately drinking our coffee and watching the world around us. The cars are whizzing past; wiper blades frantically swiping to and fro across the rain-slickened windscreens, people running past; huddled in their rain coats and holding newspapers over their heads, children stomping in puddles while their parents scold.

I don't know why most people hate the rain, it gives everything atmosphere. It has such an emotional depth to it. It has a sound, a feeling. It's peaceful. Bright sunlight has always felt chaotic to me, maybe because it doesn't allow you to be quiet and melancholy. Sunshine doesn't leave room for complex emotions and I like the option of feeling sad.

I wordlessly hand Draco my empty cup as we pass a rubbish bin and he tosses it in along with his own.

'Harry?' he says questioningly as I stop at the entrance to the cemetery.

I place a hand on the iron gate and stare past the black-painted bars, my eyes seeking out the familiar stone statue in the distance.

'This is it,' I say quietly.

'Harry.' Draco puts a hand on my shoulder and I turn to look at him. 'What are we doing here?'

'We came here to talk, remember?' I turn away from his concerned gaze and push the gate ajar. It swings open on a whisper and I step through onto the gravel path.

I hear Draco's hesitant footsteps behind me as I walk along the path then veer off onto the grass. Soon, I tune him out completely and am back in my own world again; my world of solitude and quiet escape. This is my sanctuary, my haven – my future.

A stitch in my side causes me to slow as I ascend the grassy slope, my eyes locked on the stone Angel drawing ever nearer. I can see her facial features quite clearly now, that expression of sorrow that's haunted me since finding her that stormy day so long ago. I know the tears are once again running down her stone cheeks as the rain continues to pelt me from above, the grass growing slippery beneath my feet, the burning in my chest intensifying. Still, I continue to stare at my goal; my Angel. Is she crying for me? I have never cried for me…

'Harry, slow down.' Draco grasps my elbow lightly, causing me to blink and look away from my Angel and to his worried face.

I blink again, waiting, trying to control my uneven breathing.

'Harry, you look pale – are you alright?'

I nod automatically, but am suddenly aware of the cold sweat all over my body, my face feels especially clammy. The burning in my lungs has eased a little now that I am standing still.

Draco frowns, not believing me for a second. I can see it in his eyes.

'Where are you taking us?' he finally asks quietly.

'Up there.' I jerk my head in the direction of the Angel, my eyes lingering on her stone figure.

Draco spares her a brief glance. 'Okay, but let's take it slow, alright?'

I nod again and allow him to leave his hand on my elbow as we walk onwards up the grassy hill. I smile as we reach the summit, my gaze firmly glued to my statue.

I walk towards her and stand at the base, tilting my head back to look up into her face. The tears are streaming down her cracked cheeks at a steady pace.

'Harry?' Draco speaks hesitantly. 'Who's buried here?'

'I don't know,' I answer vaguely.

Draco appears at my side and he reads the inscription carved into the wet stone. 'Then why…?'

'I don't know,' I say again. 'I don't know why I come here. I don't know why I like it here, or why I find comfort here. I don't even know why I brought you here today.'

Draco takes my frozen hand in his and follows my gaze to the Angel's heartbroken face. 'Maybe you wanted to share a little of your world with me.'

I smile fondly. 'You understand more then you know, Draco.'

'Could you help me with the parts I don't?'

I finally turn to look at him. 'Maybe you're not meant to understand it all.'

He pauses. 'Do you understand it all, Harry?'

I smile and walk around the statue, gently pulling Draco after me, and perch on the edge of the square base, looking out over the wet and misty countryside below.

'Not yet,' I say, answering his question. 'I don't suppose I ever will. Maybe everything becomes clear at that moment of death; that split second when you know you're dying and you're soul is slipping away, and suddenly you know…it.'

'What?'

'All the why's and how's of life, I suppose. It's the how's that make up our existence and the why's that make us live it.'

'Do you have a lot of why's left?' Draco asks, watching me.

'Not as many as I once did.' I turn to smile warmly at him. 'But enough to keep me here for some time, I think.'

Draco squeezes my hand, his soft grey eyes reflecting the fog swirling around us. 'I don't want another phone call like that ever again.'

'You saved my life,' I tease.

'I guess that makes us even,' he drawls, matching my easy tone.

'Good,' I chuckle. 'I'd hate to leave behind any unpaid debts.'

Draco's grip on my hand tightens for a moment. 'Don't talk about it, Harry. I don't even want to think about it.'

'I know,' I say with a sigh. I look out over the beautiful landscape spread out below us. The fog is hiding most of the world, leaving only the headstones and crosses visible above the hovering clouds of white. Sometimes I wonder if someone ordered the rest of the world to cease existing while I am here, it feels like the beginning of time, or perhaps the end. It is a serene moment of tranquility, the ultimate in peace and the beauty of life – whether it's an end or a beginning, or just one of those brief moments when you truly appreciate it all.

I move closer to my companion, wondering if he understands even that much as he gazes out over my secret Eden. 'Just because we don't talk about it, that doesn't mean it's not going to happen,' I say quietly, not wanting to dispel the magic.

Draco sighs heavily. 'I know.'

I feel sorry for him then. He may not understand everything of what I'm going through and the reasons behind the things that I do, but I can't even begin to understand what he is thinking and feeling. I wonder if he feels torn about taking up our relationship again, now that he knows it can't be forever. Will it be worth the eventual pain in the end?

'Draco?'

He turns to me, liquid grey eyes searching my face questioningly.

'What do you want to know?' I ask.

'About what?'

'About anything. I want you to understand.'

He smiles sadly and turns away, his eyes upon the misty scenery but not really seeing it. 'Tell me about Andrew.'

My breath catches in my throat and my heart is suddenly gripped in an iron fist. It takes a few seconds that last an eternity before I'm able to speak.

'What…what do you want to know?'

--This chapter will be posted in two parts. The second part will be posted at a later date.