Author's Note: Harry Potter again. This one first appeared on my yahoogroup in July '07. It was heavily inspired by (translation: stolen from) amber-chick's "Reactions to the Legend." I just liked the idea of Sirius and Remus finding out how Harry's first couple of years at Hogwarts went. She went down the 'overprotective fluffy parent' route. I preferred to venture down the 'well-intended but poorly executed scheme' path.

SUMMARY: Takes place at some unspecific time, most likely the middle of Harry's fifth year. Sirius and Remus haven't gotten straight answers on what sort of pranks or trouble Harry got into in his first couple of years. This is kinda OLD and UNFINISHED. I'm not calling it abandoned, but who knows if let alone when it'll get finished. I'm posting as much here as was posted on my yahoogroup. If someone else wants to finish this, I'm more than happy to tell them where it was going. Though you can probably guess most of it.

Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J. K. Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW

Remus took a whiff of the vile concoction. "Tell me again how you talked me into this."

"You know you want to hear about Harry's first two years as much as I do," Sirius explained. "Dumbledore was no help, and Harry just keeps changing the subject. This is the best way!"

"Tricking him into telling us is not good godfatherly behavior. This is your harebrained idea. You should be the girl!"

"Oh come on Moony," Sirius whined. "I'm the pureblood secretly real bestest best friend with harebrained ideas. You're the smarts and voice of reason. Of course you're the girl."

Remus frowned. "Prongs told me I was his secretly real bestest best friend."

"Yeah," Sirius shrugged. "I used that on Peter too, so… whoops."

Remus shook his head, pinched his nose and drank his first dose of polyjuice.

Sirius did the same and the two of them had to steady themselves as their bodies shrunk.

"Ouch, I forgot how much uncontrolled transformations hurt," Sirius remarked feeling sensations that reminded him of when he was just learning the animagus transformation.

"I didn't," Remus wryly commented. He turned to look in the mirror. "Merlin, I have a lot of hair."

"Wow," Sirius said noticing how much they both had changed. "So she must use a lot of product to make it look, you know, human."

Remus looked over and saw Ron Weasley in Sirius' place. "You think if I electrocuted myself it could possibly get any frizzier?"

Sirius shrugged. "Well, if you ever need a place to store an extra quill or two."

"Oh Padfoot, we should stop this," Remus scolded. "She's just going through her awkward stage. Let's stop picking on your godson's best friend."

"My name is Ron," Sirius reminded. "And you're Hermione. Act like it."

Remus had transfigured his robe to match his size and stuck his hand high up into the air. He made small grunting sounds trying to attract attention.

"What are you doing?"

Remus dropped his arm and put his hands on his hips. "Honestly, Harry."

"Hey," Sirius grinned. "That's pretty good."

"Alright," Remus urged. "Let's see your Ron."

Sirius shook his arms, staring at the floor. He looked up right at Remus with his mouth open in surprise. "Crikey! Blimey! The Chudley Cannons still suck."

Remus shook his head and crossed his arms. "Honestly."

"Alright let's go," Sirius grinned. "You got your flask right?"

Remus huffed. "Of course I do, Ronald. Now let's get this over with so I can hurry back and do some extra homework."

"Okay that's just a little creepy now," Sirius commented, sticking his own flask into his pocket. "You've not been perving on your old students, have you?"

"Stay in character before I threaten you with rules and authority!"

Sirius rolled his eyes in a manner he'd seen Ron do many times, muttered "Barmy," and hurried off towards the hospital wing.

"Harry," Sirius poked the sleeping young man. "Wake up Harry!"

Harry rolled over and looked up. "Ron? What's going on? Is Snuffles looking for me?"

Sirius stopped and turned to Remus for help.

"He's fine, Harry," Remus answered in Hermione's calming tone. "We just need to talk to you."

"Hermione?" Harry said sitting up, fully awake now. "What is it? What's the matter?"

Sirius growled. "It was the greasy git."

"He's a Professor and it wasn't him," Remus scolded, slapping Sirius on the shoulder. He turned to Harry and lectured, "We got covered in a messed up potion. Neither Ron nor I remember anything from first and second year. Even the last two are a bit fuzzy. Madame Pomfrey gave us permission to talk to you. See if you could trigger our memories or at least fill in the blanks."

"You don't remember anything?"

Sirius shrugged helplessly. "Not much, mate. We just thought you could go through our first couple years and tell us-"

"Remind us," Remus corrected.

"Yeah that too," Sirius said. "Starting from you know, when you first met us. Or earlier if you want."

Harry rubbed his hands over his face. "Are you serious?"

"What?" Sirius said jerking up in surprise.

Remus smacked him on the back on his head. "Just pretend that we're reminiscing. Only you're doing all the talking."

"Alright," Harry said before taking a deep breath. "Well you helped me onto the platform but we spent the entire ride talking to each other. Although, you probably spent more time staring at my scar than anything."

Remus smacked Sirius again. "You insensitive prat. You know how he feels about all the Boy-Who-Lived stuff."

"I was eleven," Sirius defended.

"Yeah really Hermione," Harry argued. "And he didn't know how I felt about the Boy-Who-Lived stuff. Besides, when we met you, you were basically as much of an uppity bitch as an eleven year old could be."

"Oh," Remus said sitting. "Sorry bout that."

Harry waved the supposed Hermione off. "Don't worry about it. Being best friends means never having to say you're sorry for being an uppity bitch."

"So nothing all that exciting on the train ride?" Sirius asked. "Besides making friends with me, of course."

Harry shook his head. "Some chocolate frogs, you recited some bad poetry and thought it was a spell, Malfoy's first annual visit, and Hermione dropped by trying to locate Neville's toad." Harry scratched his head. "No one tried to kill me the whole trip."

Remus' eyes widened and he glanced over at the imitation Ron. He saw the startled look on Sirius' face. "Keep going, Harry."

"Course Wormtail was asleep so maybe things could've been different." Harry chuckled not noticing how his audience had stiffened at the name. "I just remembered he was called a stupid fat rat in Ron's fake spell. Anyways, after the train ride, we caught up with Hagrid. He'd scared the other firsties, but I already liked him. He took us across the lake, dropped us off at McGonagall. Neville's toad was found while she put on her intimidating and stern face and lectured us on the house system. None of this is ringing any bells?"

Remus put a hand on Sirius to stop him from talking and said, "Those all sound familiar but they seem logical. I don't remember my sorting at all even though I know a singing hat did it. Did we ever tell you about our sortings or maybe you could tell us what yours was like?"

"Oh good," Sirius agreed. "Yeah, Harry?"

"I was so bloody nervous and still impressed the Great Hall looked like a convertible that I barely noticed you getting sorted into Gryffindor," Harry said pointing at Remus. "When they called my name, the whispers and pointing all started. The hat dropped on my head and began talking, telling me how well I'd do in Slytherin-"

Sirius gasped and slapped his hand over his mouth.

"Yeah," Harry nodded. "That was how I felt about it too. It was saying I could be great and Slytherin would help me on the way to greatness. But I'd heard from Hagrid that Slytherins were evil, you drilled it into my head, and I'd met Draco Malfoy in Diagon Alley before his pompous little train visit. So I was just begging, 'Not Slytherin, Not Slytherin,' over and over until the hat shouted 'Gryffindor!' Thank fucking God."

"Watch your mouth, young man," Remus snapped in irritation, before correcting himself, "I mean… Language!"

"He was nearly put in Slytherin though," Sirius pleaded. "I'll second ya, Harry. Thank fucking God."

"Anyways," Harry grinned. "The whole Gryffindor table cheered my name, and your twin brothers were chanting 'We got Potter! We got Potter!' which was embarrassing to say the least. I watched your sorting," Harry said pointing towards the wizard who looked like Ron. "It took a minute but like every Weasley you were put in Gryffindor which made my night, since you were already my best friend."

Sirius smiled and flashed a thumbs up.

"Though to be honest, I've always suspected the hat almost stuffed you into Hufflepuff," Harry added. "Considering it almost condemned me to Slytherin and we all know it had to be close to putting you," Harry pointed towards Remus, "into Ravenclaw."

"Well I for one," Remus said sticking his nose into the air, "am glad it put us all in Gryffindor."

Harry nodded seriously. "Tell me about it. I don't even want to think about how many times I would've died if it weren't for you two."

Sirius swallowed the lump in his throat not liking the sound of that one bit.

Remus looked as worried as Sirius and asked, "What do you mean would have died?"

"Well hell," Harry said scratching his head. "There was the troll that I jumped on the back of and jammed my wand up its nose, the jinxed broom I was holding onto with only three fingers, Fluffy the giant three-headed dog, the Devil's Snare, the violent life-sized chess, and of course Norbert, Hagrid's pet dragon was a handful."

"What!" Sirius shouted. "You've almost died that many times?"

Harry looked at Sirius funny. "Those are just the ones you two helped me with."

Remus swallowed the lump in his throat, beginning to wonder if this was such a good idea.

"And that's just first year," Harry added. "There was also the detention in the Forbidden Forest where I found Voldemort drinking unicorn's blood, I almost got addicted to the Mirror of Erised, and of course Professor Quirrell keeping Voldemort hidden under his turban trying to kill me and steal the Philosopher's Stone."

Harry saw both of his best friend's faces staring at him in abject horror.

"Oh," Harry remembered. "And I still think Wood was trying to kill me with his Quidditch practices, but that one's not quite so malevolent as Quirrell and Voldemort." Harry paused and added, "Or the troll." He then remembered also, "Or Fluffy."

Sirius was beginning to hyperventilate, while Remus was rubbing circles into his back. "Breathe, Ron, breathe."

"You okay, mate?" Harry asked with a grin.

"And I stayed your friend after all that?" Sirius asked curiously.

"All that?" Harry smiled happily. "Compared to second year, our first year was a piece of cake."

Sirius shuddered and crawled into the bed next to Harry. "I think I need to lie down."

.o0o.

TBC…maybe. Unlikely, but maybe.

UNFINISHED (AND PERHAPS ABANDONED)

Author's Note: If anyone wants to take a crack at finishing this one, send me a message. I'll let you know what I had planned and you can go that route or go your own. Again, the idea was HEAVILY inspired by "Reactions to the Legend" by amber-chick. It's on this website. Very fluffy and an enjoyable read but appears abandoned.