Chapter 10
"Man may have discovered fire, but women discovered how to play with it." ― Candace Bushnell, Sex and the City
"Souji?" I called as I came to a stop right outside his closed bedroom door. "It's time to teach lessons. Hijikata-san is already in the main practice hall of the dojo waiting for you."
Now instead of Souji and Hijikata-san taking kenjutsu lessons, they were now instructors that taught the students. Ever since Hijikata-san started living here, there have been some changes to the dojo. Other than Souji and Hijikata-san becoming instructors there was a decline of students that attended the dojo.
Ever since the Treaty of Amity and Commerce, or otherwise known as the Harris Treaty, was signed in 1858, the Japanese economy had been a mess. The price of ordinary goods and daily supplies skyrocketed as the result of open trade. With the price of daily living increasing, fewer and fewer students could afford to keep coming to the dojo. The number of request for degeiko had also decreased too. Another factor that added to the decrease in students were the epidemics that appeared with alongside open trade. When the foreigners brought over new goods to Japan, they also brought over the diseases originating from the West. The decreasing number of students was worrisome. The amount of income the dojo produced was declining and if the trend continued then the dojo would be unable to remain open. However, though as troubling as the money situation was, that would be another issue for another day.
"Souji?" I called him again when he didn't answer. "Are you feeling okay? If you feel sick then I can go tell Otou-san and Hijikata-san."
"S-Shizuka?" Souji finally replied, although he sounded a bit nervous and embarrassed for some strange reason. "No, I'm not feeling sick. Umm… Just give me a moment and I'll be out."
"Is everything okay in there?" I asked with concern. What was he so nervous and embarrassed about? "Do you need me to come in and help you with whatever you're having trouble with?"
"Umm…"
"Souji, I'm coming in." I called through the closed door when I didn't get a clear response.
"W-Wait!" Souji cried as I opened the door and stepped inside.
When I entered Souji's room, I was greeted with an unexpected sight. Souji was seated in front of a small mirror with his hand in his messy hair. Instead of the normal ponytail I was used to seeing on Souji, he now had a messy version of a topknot. Despite that the topknot was a very common hairstyle for men and especially samurai in this era, the moment I saw the mess topknot I knew instantly that Souji was trying to copy Otou-san's hairstyle. Souji did admire Otou-san greatly. However, this was most likely his first time trying to do a topknot hence the less than tidy hair.
The moment Souji saw me enter his room, he blushed slightly in embarrassment and turned to face the other way so he wasn't looking at me directly in the face. "D-Don't laugh!" Souji immediately said when I stopped in place and stared at him.
I didn't laugh at him, but I smiled. His attempt at copying Otou-san's hairstyle was rather adorable. "I won't laugh." I said before I approached him and sat down behind him. I gently untangled his hands from his hair and pulled the tie holding his hair up down before placing the tie on the floor next to me.
"Shizuka?" Souji asked in confusion as he watched me from his mirror.
"I help Otou-san put up his hair almost every morning when he wakes up." I said with a gentle smile before I reached for the wooden comb on the small table in front of him. "First you have to make sure to brush out all the knots in your hair."
I gently combed his hair out while taking extra care not to pull on the knots. Souji didn't complain about my sudden intrusion into his personal space, it was the complete opposite. He seemed to enjoy it greatly when I gently ran my fingers through his hair to untangle the knots and to massage his scalp. When I was sure his hair was tangle free, I place the comb back on the table.
"Then you take your hair and bunch it together like you would usually do when tying a high ponytail, but make sure you don't pull the hair too tightly. If you do then you'll damage the roots of your hair." I said as I performed the actions that I had just described. "Then you place your hand over by the base of your ponytail and then loop the tail over your two fingers. When the topknot looks the way you want it to look then take your hair tie and secure it in place. There, done!"
Souji blinked at me while looking in the mirror with surprise. He must have been sitting here for quite a bit trying to make the topknot look good while I completed the desired topknot in the matter of seconds. I reached around him and grabbed another small mirror and held it up behind him so he could see the topknot on the back of his head through the double mirror effect.
"Like it?" I asked him as he looked at the topknot I tied for him.
Souji smiled at my work. "Yeah, thanks." he answered me before he turned slightly to take the second mirror from me and placed it back on the table. "So how do you think it looks?"
"I think it suits you." I said as I quickly hugged him from behind. Souji's smile became larger at my complement.
"Well, come on, let's go." Souji said cheerfully as he untangled my arms from him before he stood up after he was done admiring his new hairstyle. He offered me a hand then pulled me up. "You did say it's time to teach lessons, right? We've kept Hijikata-san waiting long enough and I'm pretty sure he has some words for me for being late."
We left his room together with him leading the way and me following him from behind. He glimpsed back at me through the corner of his eyes and smiled at me once more.
"What is it?" I asked him while trailing behind him.
"I'm just wondering if you will ever grow out your hair." Souji asked as he continued walking towards the main practice hall.
"My hair?" I asked. Many of the girls my age had already started discard their girlish, short, shoulder length hair for the woman's long hair. However, instead of following that trend, I had kept my hair short. It was easier to take care of short hair, especially in a time period where there were no such appliances like blow-dryers.
"You should grow out your hair." he commented just as we arrived at the main practice hall. "I think you would look very pretty with long hair."
Before I could answer Souji, Hijikata-san in his glorious anger, stomped up to Souji.
"Where have you been?!" Hijikata-san scolded Souji. "You're an instructor and you're supposed to set an example for the students. What does it say when an instructor is late to the class he's supposed to teach?"
"Hijikata-san worries too much." Souji said with a laidback attitude as he shrugged his shoulders. "Hijikata-san will start spouting white hairs like an old man then all the ladies will run away from him, right?" he asked as he winked at his students. They all laughed at what Souji said, causing Hijikata-san to become more annoyed.
"Tsk! Just start the lessons already!" Hijikata-san said with a frustrated growl before he stomped back to where his own students were.
"Shizuka, go sit on the side, okay?" Souji said as he shot me a mischievous grin. When I left for the sidelines of the room, that's when Souji began teaching his students alongside Hijikata-san.
I sat on the sidelines and zoned out for the rest of the lessons. Should I grow out my hair like Souji said I should? Well, I was thirteen now and as soon as I got my first period then I would be considered a woman and women were supposed to sport long hair in this era. I probably should. I'd probably attract some unwanted attention and criticism from other people if I continued to have short hair. But I already attracted some unwanted attention and criticism from other people for just not having a mother figure in my life. Speaking of mother figure, isn't Otou-san supposed to get married in March of 1860? It was now already the spring of 1859 and Otou-san still hadn't even met the woman he was supposedly going to marry yet. While I did not know much about the woman Otou-san was supposed to marry, I did know a few basic details.
"No, your posture is all wrong. If someone swings their sword at you this way, you won't be able to block it. Hey, Hijikata-san, you suck at teaching. The student you were teaching earlier still can't get the right posture."
"What are you talking about, Souji?! Not everyone is like you and able to get the correct posture right away." I heard in the background as I was got lost in my thoughts.
Ignoring the background noise, I ducked back into my thoughts. From what I read, the woman that Otou-san married had the name of Tsune and she was the daughter of Matsui Yasogorō who was a retainer to the Shimizu-Togukawa clan. She was born into the warrior class so her marriage to Otou-san was rather advantageous to Otou-san…
"Shizuka?"
I also recalled reading that since she was born with a harelip she wasn't really considered pretty…
"Shizuka? Can you hear me~?"
Since Tsune was aware of facial imperfections, she didn't rely on her appearance and did not act like the other women of her class. She was said to be humble and kind and she is supposedly three years younger than Otou-san…
"Just smack her upside the head to get her attention."
"Hijikata-san, you go bash your own head in. Don't tell me to hit her."
I wanted Otou-san to get married. He deserved to start his own blood family. I knew that with me being in the past that it would slightly change somethings and I accepted that, but one thing I didn't want to change was Otou-san's marriage. I didn't want to be the reason that Otou-san wasn't going to get married…
"Fine, if you don't do it then I will."
Oh! Maybe I could find Tsune and somehow introduce her to Otou-san? I was sure that all I needed to do was get them to meet each other and then everything else would fall into place by itself. I could try looking in the northern markets of Edo first. That was where most of the upper class gathered for shopping. Maybe I could go take a look once both Souji and Hijikata-san were done teaching—!
Someone knocked on my forehead and interrupted my thoughts. When my vision came back into focus, Hijikata-san's face was right in front of mine.
"Umm… Hi?" Why was his face so close to mine? Did I miss something important? Of course, I must have completely zoned out again.
"So you finally decided to rejoin reality." Hijikata-san sighed as he backed away and stood up again.
"Care to share about what had you staring off into space for the last couple of minutes? Class has now been over for at least three minutes now and you were just sitting there, staring." Souji asked from behind Hijikata-san.
"Don't you think it's a bit strange how Otou-san hasn't gotten married yet?" I suddenly blurted out. I should have eased into that question instead of blurting it out.
"Hah?! That's what you were thinking about?" Souji looked at me like I was crazy.
"Don't you think that when and whether Kondou-san gets married should be up to him?" Hijikata-san questioned me with his eyebrows pinched together. I ignored Hijikata-san in favor of my own thoughts.
Well, class is over now... "I should probably start looking for that woman now…" I muttered the last part of my thoughts out loud before jumping up and running out of the room. "There's something I need to do right now. I'll talk to you guys later." The two men wore confused stares as they watched me run out the door.
I arrived at the northern Edo market roughly about forty minutes after I left the dojo. It was still the Hour of the Ram[1], so the marketplace was filled with plenty people and was rather lively. Now where in the marketplace should I start? I pondered as my eyes swept the marketplace. How about— Wait… Seriously?! Lo and behold the lovely work of Lady Luck. Standing about nine meters away, a well-dressed young woman with a harelip, was examining some eggplants at a small stall.
I narrowed my eyes at the woman in question to examine her from a distance. Okay, locating her was far too easy. I had never had anything so convenient happen so easily before in my life. Maybe this was another woman? There was just no possible way it was going to be that easy to track Tsune without some help—
"Back again, Otsune-san?" the elderly shopkeeper asked the woman.
Otsune-san? The O in the front was an exalted prefix to show respect for the individual it pertained to. So the name was a match, the harelip was a match, and not to mention the woman was dress in an expensive kimono that only women of the warrior class were allowed to wear. This had to be the woman that I was looking for, but the main problem was: how was I going to introduce Otou-san and Tsune to each other?
I braced myself for what I was about to do. I just really hoped that Tsune was really as kind as what was written down in the historical records. I really didn't want to get whipped for crashing into a woman of higher class.
Deciding to use my small physique to my advantage, I waited until Tsune left the store with her newly bought eggplant. As soon as it looked like she wasn't paying attention to where she was walking, I walked towards her at a quickened pace before I "accidentally" crashed into her. The force of the collision made me fall backwards and "sprain" my ankle.
"Ouch!" I cried with a fake pained voice before I started sniffling, making myself look absolutely pitiful.
"Oh no!" She gasped before she dropped everything she was holding to go check on me. "You are hurt! This is entirely my fault!" She looked at me wide-eyed in panic.
"Ow, my ankle. I can't get up by myself." I said with a small teary voice as I allowed fake tears to pool in my eyes.
"I am so sorry! Let me get you back home, it is the least I can do after I hurt your foot." She felt looked guilty for accidentally "injuring" a little girl. Maybe I was laying it on a bit too thick? No, this was good. Now all that's left to do is to allow her to take me back home where she would run into Otou-san.
"So, what is your name?" Tsune asked me while giving me a piggyback ride on the way home. She had never bothered to pick up the eggplant she had dropped when she went to go check up on me since I had "allowed" her to take me back home since I had "injured" myself and "couldn't" walk.
"I'm Shizuka, it's nice to meet you!" I chirpped cutely, still acting like a little kid.
"My name is Tsune, the daughter of Matsui Yasogorō. I am sorry for running into you earlier. It is a pleasure to meet you too, Shizuka-chan." Tsune replied with a gentle smile. "How old are you, Shizuka-chan?"
"Oh, I'm thirteen." I said, dropping the little kid act as I revealed my true age. There was no point in continuing my act if she knew my real age.
"You are thirteen?!" she exclaimed in shock. "You are so small that I thought you were nine!"
"Everyone says that. Oh, turn here. I live at the dojo right around this corner." I answered as I calmly pointed in the direction I wanted her to walk in.
When we turned the corner, I saw Otou-san and Hijikata-san at the gate of the dojo speaking with each other.
"Excuse me," Tsune said as she walked up to them.
"Oh! How can I help…? Shizu-chan! What are you doing? Did you hurt yourself?" Otou-san asked in alarm when she saw me on Tsune's back.
"That was entirely my fault. I am afraid I was not paying attention to where I was walking. I walked into her and she sprained her ankle when she fell backwards." Tsune explained while looking regretful. "I thought the least I could do was take her home."
"Ah, I see. Toshi, can you take Shizu-chan inside and treat her ankle?" Otou-san said as he turned to Hijikata-san.
"Sure." agreed Hijikata-san as he went over to take me from Tsune's arms.
Tsune then passed me to Hijikata-san and I was carried into the dojo by Hijikata-san while Otou-san and Tsune remained outside speaking to each other.
"Just what are you planning?" Hijikata-san asked with narrowed eyes once we made it inside the dojo. He placed me on the floor inside the dojo before he questioned me any further. "Your ankle isn't really sprained plus what you said right before you ran off... Why did you bring that woman here?" he demanded.
I decided to be completely honest and blunt with my answer. "She's Otou-san's future wife."
Hijikata-san twitched as a vein appeared on his forehead before he promptly smacked me across the back of the head.
"Don't go around playing matchmaker!" It looked like he really irritated with my statement. "Besides, how would you know if they fit well together? It's not like you know the future."
Not like I knew the future, huh? I may not know much about Japanese history, but I was still willing to bet that I still knew more than he did. "Hey, want to make a bet with me?" I asked with cocky confidence.
"Wha—where did that come from?" Hijikata-san asked as he raised an eyebrow at my sudden request.
"What?" I provoked him. "Are you afraid that you're going to lose?"
"Wanna say that again, little girl?"
"If they get married in March of 1860, then you have to attend the wedding wearing a woman's kimono. But if they don't get married in March of 1860, then I'll stop Souji from stealing you haiku books."
"Ho? Feeling confident, are we? Fine, I accept your bet."
There was no way I was going to lose this bet, but don't worry Hijikata-san. I'll be sure to find Hijikata-san a pretty kimono to wear for the wedding. Maybe something that'll bring out his beautiful purple eyes?
"Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going back to spy on them." I said nonchalantly as I began to quietly make my way back towards the front so I could spy on the two people of interest.
"No you're not." Hijikata-san said as his hand shot out to grab me by the scuff of my clothing before I could get too far. "You've manipulated enough people for today and you're on kitchen duty tonight." He then picked me up by the scruff of my kimono and carried me off to the kitchen.
By the time it was the January of 1860, it was clear that I was going to win that bet. Just as I predicted, the wedding was arranged to take place in March of that year. After becoming interested in Tsune-san, Otou-san went to go request her hand in marriage from her father and the engagement quickly fell through afterwards. Tsune's father thought that no one would ever ask for her hand in marriage because of the harelip she possessed. So when Otou-san went to ask for her hand, her father was thrilled and immediately gave permission. Everyone celebrated the engagement. No, let me correct that statement. Almost everyone celebrated the engagement. While Hijikata-san was happy for Otou-san, he was also so mortified that he lost the bet that even began to deny its existence.
"So have you decided what color kimono you're wearing to the wedding yet?" I sang as Hijikata-san was trying to cut the fish for dinner, keyword being trying.
"What are you talking about? Don't you have floors to sweep? Stop pestering me and go sweep the floors."
"Denial is bad for your health." I continued to pester him.
"You're being delusional." objected Hijikata-san without looking up from his messy task. "I'm not denying anything."
"Aww... I thought you were a man of honor." I said as I poked at his weakness. I had learned over the years that if I wanted to get something from Hijikata-san then I would have to aim at his sense of honor. "Now I've lost all the respect I had for you."
"…"
"…"
"…"
"... Blue..." he finally mumbled under his breath as he turned his face away from me after a moment of silence.
"Hmm? What's that? I didn't hear you~" I sang as I prepared myself to gloat at his misfortune that I happened to be the cause of.
"I'm not making your dinner tonight." Hijikata-san finally retaliated, but it was totally ineffective.
"It's okay, your cooking tastes disgusting anyways." I said with a goofy grin before becoming serious again. "By the way, you shouldn't cook the fish like that. You'll give everybody food poisoning. You know what? Move over. I'll take care of tonight's dinner."
The night of the wedding came and spirits were high. Unfortunately, Hijikata-san did not end up wearing a woman's kimono at the wedding. There were some tasks to be completed right before the wedding and he instantly volunteered to take care of all of them by himself. By the time he completed all the tasks, it was time for the wedding and there was no time to dress him up.
The wedding went without a problem; people celebrated, people got drunk, and people went home to sleep. However, unlike the people who went home to sleep, I was wide awake. After Tsune-san accepted Otou-san's marriage proposal, it was decided that I was to get my own room. However, Otou-san and Tsune-san didn't know about my monophobia. I didn't tell them because I didn't want to create any problems by worrying them. Even Hijikata-san didn't know about my monophobia, although he probably had his suspicions. Only Souji knew about my problems. Tonight was to be the first night I would be sleeping alone.
I had tried to sleep in my own room after all the partying ended, but I couldn't sleep. The sense of isolation was suffocating and it felt like it was literally going to crush the life out of me. Before, this problem could have been easily remedied by sneaking over to Souji's room, but that was no longer an option. With the passing of my fourteenth birthday, my body kicked into high gear as it was forced through puberty. Within a matter of months, I shot up a few inches, my chest developed, and my menstruation cycle began. I was now considered a young woman and Souji had already long been considered a man. It now would have been highly inappropriate if I snuck over to sleep in his room. However, despite how it would have been considered inappropriate, Souji told me before the wedding processions began today that I should go over to his room to sleep if I couldn't stand being alone. I appreciated Souji's offer, but I felt like if I took his offer then I would unintentionally cause many harming rumors to start. I didn't want to ruin Souji's name, so I kept away.
I kicked off the bed sheets and stalked in the main hall when sleep still wouldn't come. If I couldn't sleep then there would have been no point in trying anyways. The main hall was dark and empty. There were both full and empty saké jars tossed all across the room from the party that was held in the hall a few hours earlier. I just stood and stared at the jars of saké for what felt like hours. Deciding with a disillusioned and confused mind that I couldn't stand my crushing fear and loneliness any longer, I grabbed a jar, pulled the cork off, and emptied the contents into my stomach. Or, at least, that was what I intended to do. As I placed the opening of the jar to my lips, a hand grabbed my arm and prevented me from doing anything else.
"What are you doing?" Hijikata-san asked sternly. He had come out of nowhere and he was furious at my actions.
I wasn't in the mood to deal with his questions. I wasn't in the right condition to even answer any questions properly. All I wanted to do was drink until I forgot all my problems. All I wanted to do was drink until I passed out and Hijikata-san was in my way.
"Why are you here?" I snapped back with great hostility as I tried to jerk my wrist out of his firm grasp, but I failed. His hand was like an iron cable around my arm.
"Answer me." Hijikata-san said as he refused to be scared off by my hostility.
I didn't want to deal with his stupid questions right now. He was a nuisance at the current moment and despite the fact I couldn't stand being alone, I didn't want Hijikata-san here. "What I am doing is none of your fucking business." I finally snarled back when Hijikata-san refused to back off.
"You've never behaved like this before." Hijikata-san said as he looked over me carefully as if he believed that I had a physical aliment. "Why are you acting like this now?" he demanded. It was clear that he was not going to back down until he got an answer from me. "Are you unhappy with the marriage? You were the one that wanted them to get married."
"The whole world isn't centered on your man crush, Hijikata." I snorted rudely as I turned my face away from his.
"Then tell me why you're acting like this."
I silently laughed hysterically at his request with a crazed look. I was just a basket case of problems, wasn't' I? "Do you really want to know? Fine then, I am supposed to be fucking dead. I shouldn't even exist right now."
Hijikata-san became shocked at my words before he gave me a gentler look. He took the jar of saké from my loosened grip before dropping my arm.
"Are you talking about when Kondou-san found you?" He asked softly as he put the jar back on the floor. "Kondou-san told me that he found you in an abandoned fishing boat left for dead."
All of my enmity left as soon as he spoke those words and I slowly sunk to the floor in despair. In the end all my problems always started with dying or almost dying again. I was really messed up on the inside and I hated myself for it.
"I hate this," my voice shook as it became a whisper towards the end. "My whole life is defined by that one event. I can't get over it no matter how much I try." Some tears formed in my eyes and it wasn't long before they started to roll down my cheeks. "I can't stand being alone. I can't bear it." I said as I buried my face into my hands to try to hide my tears. "I feel so alone, so weak, so ashamed. Why…why won't my fear go away...? I…I…"
Arms wrapped around my shoulder before I was pulled against a warm body.
"There's nothing to be ashamed of. You have people who care about you now, people who consider you family. Even if you are physically alone, you will never truly be alone." Hijikata-san said with his hands running though my hair as he embraced me in a loving hug.
I had always known that the words that he had spoken were true, but the gravity of those words never truly hit me until Hijikata-san said them. To me, his words were like a magic spell that released me from a terrible curse.
"Never?" I asked with my face still buried against his chest.
"Never." Hijikata-san said with soft ferocity.
And at that moment, it felt like my monophobia was leaving my body through the tears that spilled out of my eyes. The unbearable fear, the shame, everything that once held me back and paralyzed me started to slowly leave through my tears. I stayed in that position that entire night and let the tears flow until I had no more left. Hijikata-san truly was a wonderful person and I was glad that he had come into my life.
[1] A two hour period that is roughly from 1:00 p.m. to 3:00 p.m.