Clary's POV
I slouched in my chair as I turned my glass of coke around in circles. Not that I usually drank at weddings, but right now, I would have liked to drown my sorrows. It was an open bar, but the bartender was carding everybody. I had already tried to use my fake ID once, but that guy just gave me a lecture about providing alcohol to minors and told me to come back with an adult that was willing to vouch for me. I wasn't about to ask Maryse to lie for me, and I wasn't sure she would have anyway, so needless to say, I wasn't about to get a drink any time soon. Benedict's weddings were usually a blast even without drinking, but this one was different, I felt out of place this time, like I didn't really belong here, and I really was questioning why I came in the first place.
Things hadn't been going so well since Jace's birthday, but they really started to unravel last weekend…
I can almost remember how I felt when I left the house last Saturday night to go out with Sebastian and Izzy. I was nervous and giddy, just wondering if my make over would make a difference, but it hadn't. Sure I got hit on by more guys than I ever had before, and I turned more heads than I thought possible, but I didn't care if I turned every head in the club that night, the one head I wanted to turn, I didn't. Then to make matters worse, there was the matter of Izzy and Sebastian.
Izzy, Sebastian and I were all out at the Alicante club. We'd been club hopping for the last several hours and it was around 2:00. The place was packed with people dancing and downing drinks. With a live band not too far away, the music was blaring.
"So Sebastian…" Izzy yelled over the music.
"…You're hot." Sebastian just sort of chuckled.
"Thanks." He responded as he took a sip of his beer. Izzy reached her hand out and grabbed up Sebastian's free hand.
"What are you doing?" Sebastian asked as he attempted to jerk his hand away, but she was holding firm.
"Oh calm down." She snapped as she held her hand up so her hand and his were palm to palm.
"Your hands are huge." Izzy said as she lined up their hands.
"Is she always this odd?" Sebastian muttered to me as he finally pulled his hand away from hers with a quizzical look. I just gave a little half shrug. Sebastian brought his beer to his lips again to down the last swig.
"I don't get why you and Clary aren't fucking." Sebastian literally sprayed a mouthful of his beer out. Luckily he didn't hit anyone. Izzy just chuckled.
"Izzy!" I snapped. Sebastian placed his empty beer glass down on a nearby table.
"I think it's important I get to the bottom of this…" She said with a mischievous smile. Sebastian just chuckled without replying. I hadn't told Izzy about our little plan, but I figured if I kept telling her we were friends she'd eventually drop it, it wasn't working.
"…So Clary tells me you two are just friends?" Izzy asked heavily. Sebastian nodded.
"Yeah. We are." Izzy rolled her eyes and shook her head.
"That sounds so boring…" She said as she took another sip of her drink. Sebastian just chuckled again.
"…Would you consider being friends with benefits?" I balked.
"Izzy!" I scolded. She just chuckled as she downed the rest of her drink.
"What?" She asked seemingly innocently. I glared daggers at her. Sebastian put his arm over my shoulders and pulled me close to his side. I crossed my arms over my chest and scowled at Izzy. Sebastian brought his lips to my hair, as though he was kissing the side of my head, but he whispered just go with it. When he pulled away I looked up at him quizzically and he was looking down at me.
"Maybe we already are." Sebastian said smoothly. I felt my face just burning. He didn't know Izzy, you couldn't fool her, she was too sharp. She took a step closer to him and placed her free hand against his chest. He seemed a little surprised by her gesture, but didn't move away from her.
"I highly doubt that, and who said I was talking about you and her being friends with benefits; I was talking about you and me." Izzy sounded so convincing, but I couldn't believe she was being sincere. She was screwing with me, she wanted me to say something, intervene, put my foot down, but I didn't; I didn't do or say anything. Sebastian clasped Izzy's hand to his chest with his free hand, though one arm was still draped over me.
"Be careful little girl, somebody might think you're serious." Izzy just smiled as she cocked an eyebrow at him.
"I'm not a little girl, and I am serious, completely serious." Sebastian and Izzy seemed to be in a staring contest to see who would flinch first.
"You wouldn't do such a thing to Clary." Sebastian finally said after a long pause.
"Clary wouldn't care, would you Clary?" I went to open my mouth and hesitated. He wasn't mine, I had no claim to him, but I found myself getting a little pissy about the idea all the same. We were just friends, and I loved Jace, and I couldn't see myself with anybody else, not now, not ever. I thought Sebastian loved Aline, and I thought we were working towards our plan, but this wasn't part of the plan at all. Though that's not what I said when I finally found my words.
"Nope, not at all." Neither one looked at me, their gaze locked on each other. I felt like I was trapped in a three-way game of chicken, or perhaps just two of us were playing, though I couldn't tell you which two. It was Izzy that was the most aggressive player, but I can't say I was that surprised. She leaned in and crushed her lips to his. It was when Sebastian's arm left me and both his arms enveloped her that I realized I missed the last point were I could have swerved, but somewhere between my stubborn pride and my hopeless love for Jace, I really doubt I was going to ever yield.
I still couldn't get over the fact that Izzy slept with Sebastian. I'd barely spoken to either of them all week, though I kept making excuses why. If she tells me it wasn't a big deal and didn't mean anything one more time I'm going to scream. Well if things don't work out for Sebastian and Aline, maybe he'll end up with Izzy, and then I'd be the only one alone. I don't know if I really thought of Sebastian as a contingency plan, I mean, it'd kind of be like dating my brother, but it didn't matter anyway, it was definitely out of the question now. He slept with Izzy; I wasn't going to forget that any time soon. Even if I told her that it was alright at the time, which was really because I didn't think she was being all that serious, but I'm surprised she would do it, I don't know if it was fair of me, but I was feeling betrayed, by both of them.
At least on Sunday, while I was with Jace, I could nearly forget everything else...
I had paint in my hair and a Jace handprint on the back of my shirt. We had spent the day laughing and joking around; it was like old times. The awkwardness between Alec and I seemed to fade away, but Max remained his obnoxious self. At least he seemed to be toning it down a bit, which I think was largely due to the fact Jace was there. We had finally called it a day, though we weren't done, but it was getting later and we just didn't have the energy to paint any longer. Izzy, Aline, and Maryse were heading back and we were waiting on pizza to be delivered. Alec, Max, and Jace were all lounging in the living room. Jace and Alec were sitting with their eyes closed while Max was flipping through a comic book. I could have just sat and vegged out, but I found myself oddly drawn to the piano. It had been years since I played it, or really since I heard anybody play it for that fact, and it was likely out of tune, but I headed over all the same and sat down. I really only knew a couple songs, and only parts of them at that, but I wanted to play all the same. I barely knew how to read sheet music, I mean I knew the mnemonic of Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge and FACE, but I really had to write each note out to sit and play. I didn't even thumb through the vast collection of sheet music to see if they had the song I was looking for, I knew about a third of this one by heart, and that was all I intended on playing. I effortlessly found the middle C with my right thumb and my fingers fell right into place on the piano keys. I didn't know the words to Fur Elise, or even if there were words, but I just started to play.
I really only knew so much and stopped when I didn't know anymore. I smiled a little to myself for remembering how to play that and I smiled further at the thought the piano was still in tune. I could have moved on and played Chopsticks too, but Memory and I Dreamed a Dream seemed a little too dismal at present. That was really my extensive memory of the piano. I hadn't heard a sound, but two arms came around me and two all too familiar hands rested over mine slightly awkwardly, but near perfectly all the same. I glanced over my shoulder to see Jace smiling down at me. His eyes stayed on mine, only flicking down ever so briefly at times to look at the keys as he pressed the keys slower than I had, how one might press each key to teach someone, but with each finger that he depressed rang out the perfect note. My hands stayed put and didn't travel across the keys as his did, but I didn't move my hands out of the way either; I didn't get the impression he had wanted me to. His fingers moved a bit quicker and more surely across the keys as he played, looking down less frequently and keeping his gaze fixed to mine.
I could almost hear the silent conversation, Jace commenting on how much I had remembered, yet noting how much I had forgotten. I could just imagine him suggesting I should practice more. I could almost hear him ask if I recalled he taught me that piece, and I could even nearly remember sitting at this same piano as he did. I had nearly forgotten, nearly forgotten that Jace was the one that had taught me just about everything I knew about playing the piano. It might have even been the first time I'd seen him, although he wasn't in my piano class. My inadequate high school teacher sucked, but Jace played so amazingly well he seemed all too eager to help me practice. My mind was so focused on trying to remember, but so lost looking in Jace's eyes. The memory teased at the back of my head, but before I could really retrieve it the song finished and it was a few claps of applause followed by Maryse's voice that had Jace's eyes breaking their gaze from mine as he stood up and faced her. I spun around on my piano seat. I was caught by complete surprise. I hadn't heard her come in.
"That was so beautiful." Maryse said softly. I could see Izzy and Aline standing next to her, a hodgepodge of brochures and magazines in both their arms.
"Mom, I didn't hear you come in." Jace said as he headed over to her. Alec and Max were walking through the living room with boxes of pizzas in each of their arms. I was surprised how lost I had become in my own little world. Maryse met Jace halfway across the room and wrapped her arms around him. She had such a tender look on her face.
"I love hearing you play. I can't remember the last time you touched that piano. I wish you'd play some more." She said so gently. Jace chuckled slightly as he pulled away from his mother.
"Nobody wants to hear me play mom…It was all Clary anyway, really." He said modestly. I just furrowed my eyebrows. I don't think I've ever heard Jace be modest before. Maryse looked over at me with a warm smile.
"Well then…" She said sweetly as she moved from Jace to me. I stood up as she stretched out her arms. She took me in for a tight hug and seemed to just hold on longer than usual.
"…Would you play another for me?" I chuckled uncomfortably.
"I really don't know that many songs Maryse." I said honestly.
"You remembered that one by heart." Jace urged. I cast him a little glare before I pulled away from Maryse. She kept her hands resting gently on my shoulders.
"Maybe later…Don't you want to see the house?" I said as I glanced around. That's when I heard it, the first of it.
"Jace Darlin', we have the hall. It's perfect. I can't wait to show ya the brochures." Aline's excited voice shattered the moment. My whole body tensed as Maryse glanced at me quizzically just a moment longer before she dropped her arms and turned towards Aline.
"You picked out a hall…Without me?" Jace questioned as he walked towards her.
"Aline…" Maryse started as Aline fiddled through her papers in her arms. Izzy seemed to be helping her.
"…Let me go grab those old wedding invitations I was telling you about before I forget. They're a little dated, but they should give you some ideas for your own invitations." Aline really seemed to light up.
"Oh, I nearly forget myself. That would be wonderful." Aline cooed as Maryse left the room.
"I think it's this one." Izzy muttered as she pulled out a pamphlet and handed it to Aline. Aline looked it over and gave Izzy a little smile and a nod.
"We really lucked out…They just had a cancellation..." Aline started as she handed the pamphlet to Jace and he took it reflexively.
"…We're gettin' married on May 16!" Aline said enthusiastically. I fought back the tears as my eyes burned. I was going to be sick. I was fooling myself, over and over again, constantly setting myself up for failure. While I spent the day in my imaginary world with Jace, Aline was wedding planning all day with Izzy and Maryse. I couldn't be here for this. I tried to ignore the rest of their conversation as I snuck out of the living room and into the bathroom to pull myself together.
Aline dominated the rest of the night. Each wedding detail, each hall they visited, each cake they tasted, each dress they tried on, felt like another kick to my poor battered body. I wanted to leave, I was dying to leave, but I felt like each conversation I was somehow sucked into. I tried to think of any excuse I could for leaving, but I couldn't, I couldn't find the words. When I thought matters couldn't get any worse, they did; Aline asked me to be a bridesmaid and she asked Izzy to be her Maid of Honor. I wanted to curl up in a hole and die.
My head was throbbing, a likely combination of the deafening speaker that was directly behind me and the attempt to repress so many feelings. I wondered what a migraine felt like and speculated it was probably similar to this agonizing pain. The smile that I had forced so often this past week had left my mouth physically sore, but with nobody seemingly paying attention to me at present, that smile was a distant memory at the moment. It was when Robert stood up to give his speech that I just sank down further in my seat. We still hadn't spoken since the incident and I was pretty certain he didn't really want me here.
It was Wednesday that I was supposed to go over the Lightwoods' for Maryse's birthday. Even though I wasn't sure I could really survive another evening of wedding planning, I was going to go, it was her birthday. I braced myself for another evening of Aline dominating the night; I braced myself for another awkward evening of nearly avoiding Izzy while she chummed up to Aline and talked all about her Maid of Honor duties; I braced myself for Maryse being overly helpful and trying to go above and beyond to help Aline plan the wedding; and I braced myself for Alec and Max making jokes about Jace getting married and asking if that ball and chain around his ankle was getting heavy. As I got home from work I thought I was ready. I thought I could put on my strong face and suffer silently through another night, but I was taken by surprise when Jace asked me not to go. I can't remember the conversation precisely, but it had something to do with his father going. Jace wanted to talk to his father, try to smooth everything over before his uncle's wedding, and he felt that if I was there it might not be very helpful. I forced another smile and told him that I completely understood. I told him not to sweat it, and that it really wasn't a big deal. I must have been getting better at those forced smiles, because I just got a huge hug and a thank you for being so understanding.
I glanced up as the bride's father started his toast. He looked the same age as Benedict and I couldn't believe he was all that thrilled his daughter was marrying a man over twenty years older than her. His speech was nice though, from the few words of it I picked up on. True love is everlasting…commitment that will endure the test of time …soul mates conquer all…I wondered if he really believed what he was saying. I looked back down at my drink and wondered if there were such things as soul mates. Could Aline and Jace be soul mates? If they were, what did that make Jace and I, because I knew we were something…We had to be. Was I interfering in the cosmic order of things by trying to get between Aline and Jace? Was their love everlasting? Was I really the odd man out that didn't belong? I sure felt that way on Friday…
It's not like I shouldn't have been expecting it, I just hadn't adequately prepared myself…
I was slightly in a better mood as I left work on Friday for the mere fact it was Friday, but as I road the Metro home it gave my mind a chance to start mulling over all the things that were bothering me and the depression started to take over. My mind was fixating on the rehearsal dinner at the moment, which I wasn't invited to since I was technically no longer Jace's guest to the wedding. If nothing else it would have been something to do tonight, since I didn't have any other plans. I had been avoiding hanging out with Izzy and Sebastian and I really didn't want to hang out with Simon. I'd already hung out with him earlier in the week and his gentle urging that I should move out had turned into incessant badgering.
I had nearly reached out to Alec, he wasn't in the wedding party, so I wasn't sure he'd be at the rehearsal dinner, but it'd been years since Alec and I hung out just the two of us, and I decided not to call him. The night of Jace's birthday was really the first time I had spent any time with Alec alone since high school. When Jace and I became close, it was as though I got to keep Izzy, but I lost Alec. Jace and Alec were extremely close, and anytime I was going to hang out with Alec, it would turn into Jace, Alec and I. Then again, anytime I was at the Lightwoods' and I was hanging out with Izzy or Jace there, if Alec was home, he'd always hang out with us too. At some point I just stopped reaching out to Alec and he stopped reaching out to me. We still saw each other all the time, but it wasn't quite the same, our friendship wasn't quite the same.
Twice this week, I'd sat at a nearby coffee shop and just sketched for hours, but I couldn't manage to draw anything other than Jace, so I'd given up sketching until I could find alternative inspiration. I had spent all week wondering why I was even still going to this stupid wedding, but if nothing else my stubbornness wouldn't let me back out. I was trying to make it seem like I was doing fine, that I wasn't bothered by everything as much as I was, and if I backed out of the wedding, they'd know, they'd know I wasn't alright. I was really dreading going to the wedding though.
With my mood taking a turn for the worse I walked through the front door and was met yet again with a traumatic encounter. The first thing that hit me was the fragrance, the whole apartment smelled like a mix of overpowering floral scents. It was giving me a headache already, I couldn't breath. I absentmindedly thought of how strong Aline's perfume always is and wondered if she could sincerely have some sort of issue with her sense of smell. Although I had grumbled to myself as I came home day after day to the apartment still in boxes, I was feeling rather disappointed at the moment as I looked around to see nearly all of the boxes were gone.
I stood frozen as my eyes gazed around the room and took in the scene in front of me. There were new pink and purple throw pillows on all the furniture and matching throws now folded and draped over the back of the couch and loveseat. Fragrant burning candles accented the end tables and dining room table, and a bowl of some decorative potpourri looking thing sat on the center of the coffee table. A new purple table cloth lined the dinning room table and a small purple and pink floral accent rug sat underneath it. She really was demasculinizing the whole place wasn't she? I wondered if Jace had seen the apartment yet, until my eyes zeroed in on my mother's painting on the ground leaning up against a wall. Aline couldn't have taken that painting down herself, so Jace must have helped. A new painting of cherubs in a rose garden was hung where my mother's painting once was. A few other new paintings were hung on the walls as well, but they looked like something you'd find hung up at a hotel. I knew I'd asked Jace the other day to take my mother's painting down, but I couldn't believe he had. I noticed just a handful of smaller boxes left, maybe half a dozen boxes at best, but the whole place looked in order otherwise, it just didn't look a thing like my apartment. Aline was in the kitchen with an apron on and though she was smiling and looking right at me I hadn't paid attention to a single word she had said.
"…It took longer than I hoped, but I'm sure you're just as tickled pink as I am that it's over." I heard her say as I was finally able to pull myself out of my shock. I just nodded slowly as I walked hesitantly into the apartment.
"The boxes are gone." I mumbled in a state of bewilderment as I continued walking through the apartment. I headed into the living room first and my fingers trailed along the frame of my mother's painting.
"We were so careful with that; I know Jace said your mother painted that herself. It's really amazing…" I just nodded as my fingers moved to the shelves I had yanked my stuff off of just a week before, they were now neatly lined with new movies and books. A few snow globes scattered sporadically on the shelves looked like they were being used as bookends. I hesitated in front of each of the half a dozen framed pictures of Aline and Jace that sat on top of the entertainment center. I thought absentmindedly of the fact that we never had pictures around the apartment, not of us, not of anyone. As I passed one of the sofa chairs I reached down and touched one of the new pink throw pillows. I wondered if Jace voiced how much he hated these pillows, I knew he must, I barely got him to agree to the forest green ones. As I gazed around, a beautifully decorated cake, set on an elegant looking glass cake stand, sitting on the center of the kitchen island, caught my eye. I wandered around the room and over to the kitchen. I was certain Aline must have made the cake based on the fact she was applying a few finishing touches of icing, but the cake looked like something you'd buy at a fine bakery. I wondered if she could bake better than she could cook. She smiled up at me and I averted my gaze, catching sight of the veranda. The curtain that was in front of the doors that led onto the veranda was pulled back and I saw a small patio set on the veranda and a grill as well. We had never actually gotten anything to put out there.
"…Hard to believe it's the same apartment isn't it?" She said in an upbeat perky voice. I glanced back over at her.
"Aline, I think it's time I moved out." I muttered in a distant detached voice as I glanced around.
"That's ridiculous, we've talked about this. We want ya here." Aline might have been being so sweet, but I was feeling so out of place and unwelcome. This wasn't where I belonged, not anymore.
I walked down the hallway, my fingers trailing along the few decorative pictures that were now hung upon the walls, and I headed into the bathroom. Two sets of towels were hung, one pink and one blue, and an Anne Geddes print was hanging on the wall. I only vaguely thought of the fact that only two sets of towels were hung, while there were three people that lived here, as my mind focused on the fact that I couldn't believe Jace was thrilled to have pictures of babies up in his bathroom. The accents in the bathroom were pink and blue, from the toilet seat cover, to the new rug, to the soap dish, to the toothbrush holder. I wasn't sure what was going on with the shower curtain, but even though the apartment was otherwise in order, the cloth curtain was still missing and only the clear plastic liner was left behind.
Just as I opened the bathroom door Aline popped out of Jace's bedroom, well I guess it was their bedroom now. She had left the door open, and I could see the new odds and ends put throughout the bedroom. Even the comforter was new. I wonder if Jace even knew his simple white blanket was replaced with a purple floral print comforter. She greeted me with a smile.
"Clary Sugar…" I had to hold back the overwhelming urge to cringe.
"…I know ya took a whole bunch of stuff out of here, and I really do appreciate it, but I just popped my little head in your room a moment ago…" My urge to go off on her about going in my bedroom was quickly trumped by her next comment.
"…If it's not too much trouble, and just let me know if it is, could I just snag a little space under ya bed? Ya won't even notice…I just have a few boxes of seasonal things is all, I'm just lookin' for somewhere to tuck them away for a little while. I could put them in ya closet if that's better." She had a huge warm smile on her face. I just looked at her with my mouth agape. Was she serious? I'm not even sure how or why I said it was alright, but next thing I knew I was helping her put her crap under my bed. It was those half a dozen boxes that were over to one corner in the living room. Now the whole place looked in order, crowded, but in order. Sure my room was looking noticeably bare since I put so much stuff in storage, but she was infringing on my bedroom now, my bedroom. The only space left in the apartment that was supposed to be mine and she was taking that too. I was paying rent, I shouldn't be made to feel like an intruder, it's not like she was paying rent. I knew I was on the borderline of having a hissy fit, but I was trying to keep myself in check.
I pulled out a couple of the boxes, but they were boring crap, winter clothes, curtains, and extra bed linens and shit. I ran across a shower curtain, but I just pushed it back in the box. The purple floral print curtain didn't really match her pink and blue color scheme anyway. I shoved her damn boxes back under my bed and forced that painful smile.
I whimpered ever so quietly to myself as I squeezed my eyes tightly shut. I would not cry. I cried too many tears lately as it was. I could feel the tightening in my chest, the weight on my heart. Each day I faced with a strong face and tried to act like nothing was wrong, and each day ended with me feeling more and more despair. It was probably all my doing, but I could feel the strain between me and the rest of the Lightwoods a little more every day. It started with Izzy, but it leached out to the rest of the family as well. It didn't help matters that Aline talked about the wedding all the time and she seemed to always be calling Izzy or Maryse to bounce ideas off of them. If the emotional distance that was coming between me and the Lightwoods wasn't apparent enough, it was emphasized by the fact that I was sitting at a table in the far corner of the reception hall. I didn't know a single person at this table, but from what I had gathered, these were all coworkers of the bride. Maryse, Max, Izzy, Alec and Aline were all the way across the room sitting at a table with Robert's mother. Jace and Robert were seated at a head table not far from the rest of the family.
I might have sent Izzy a random text, joked about the long toasts or griped about not being able to get a drink at the bar, but I didn't. I really didn't feel like talking to her. I watched Izzy and Aline get up and sneak off towards the bathroom, and I might have snuck away as well, but I didn't. She was with Aline, their elbows hooked together like they were the best of friends, and I knew I was just jealous, but I just couldn't believe her lately. With everything going on with Jace, Izzy was really the person I was next closest to, and I just felt like she wasn't being a very good friend, she wasn't being there for me. I felt so alone right now, and it was only partially because I was sitting with all these strangers. Things with Jace seemed nearly back to normal, as normal as I could fake anyway, but that was before today, today I just ruined everything.
It was this morning that I really messed up things between Jace and I…
I had just come back from the gym, which I was beginning to think was doing little to no good at improving my disposition at this point, and I was taking a long shower. Aline had started nagging me a bit about the length of my showers and I couldn't remember the last time I didn't feel like I needed to rush to free up the bathroom for somebody. Aline always broached the subject so sweetly, but it still pissed me off. It was Saturday morning and it was so early I assumed Jace and Aline wouldn't be up for awhile still. Besides, we had several hours before we had to leave for the wedding, and I didn't care, I wasn't rushing this morning for any reason.
I had been in the shower for probably close to twenty minutes. I had washed my hair, my body, and shaved. I could have really gotten out at any time, but it was a fairly hot day, so it was nice to just stand with my back to the shower head, my eyes closed, my head tipped back, as the cool water sprayed out at my hair and ran down my body. My fingers ran unnecessarily through my hair massaging out any trace remnants of conditioner that might have been left behind, but I was really just enjoying how relaxing this was. I let my stress and my agitation wash away.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
"Just a minute." I called out.
"You don't have to rush. I just really have to take a piss." Jace called quietly through the door. I hesitated only a second. It wasn't uncommon for Jace to come in the bathroom while I was taking a shower, but it seemed a little weird to me now that Aline lived here too. Was Aline home? Did she know Jace just walked in while I showered? What did she think of that? I tried to shake the thought. If things were really fine between Jace and me, then this wouldn't be a problem.
"Oh, ok." I called back. With my eyes closed and my head tipped back as the water poured over me, I just wanted a few more moments of this peaceful solitude. I didn't want to think about Aline, or Jace, or anything. I didn't want to think at all. I didn't want to return to reality just yet. So as the lock to the bathroom door clicked, I was just a few seconds delayed as one important memory finally broke through my nearly tranquil mind.
"Hot damn!" Jace's voice was low and somewhere between amused and husky as my mind finally recalled the one terribly important detail; that cloth shower curtain was gone, and that clear plastic liner was completely sheer, it wasn't frosted or anything. My eyes shot open as I quickly crossed my arms over my chest, but when Jace's gaze dropped, I quickly moved one hand to cover what I could of my lower region.
"I'm sorry I forgot." I rattled off. The water was still shooting against my back and I quickly turned around to shut it off.
"I…I…I…forgot too." Jace stuttered out. I glanced at him over my shoulder. He was just staring at me with the stupidest look on his face, his mouth agape.
"Jace, turn around!" I snapped.
"Right…Sorry." He blinked a few times and looked thrown as he turned around.
"This is almost as bad as the time Max walked in on me." I muttered more to myself than to him.
"Max has seen you naked?" Jace asked incredulously as he glanced over his shoulder at me.
"As luck would have it yes…" I said as I rolled my eyes.
"…It was the other weekend when I was helping your mom clean out the attic…" Jace's eyes shamelessly gazed up and down my body multiple times.
"…Jace!" I snapped sharply and he slightly jumped as he turned back away.
"Sorry." He muttered as he reached for a towel on the towel rack.
"Yeah...Apparently your little brother has that whole lock picking thing down too. You teach him that?" I snapped a little harsher than I meant too.
"Hey…I didn't mean…It's not…I-" He stuttered out. I just rolled my eyes as I cut him off.
"Forget about it…I said you could come in…I forgot too…I know it's not the same…Max blatantly picked the lock, he knew he was doing something he shouldn't. If Alec hadn't been there-" Jace quickly looked over his shoulder with his eyebrows furrowed as he cut me off again.
"Wait a second…Alec saw you naked too or Alec was in the bathroom with you?" He snapped somewhat harshly. I rolled my eyes.
"He was in the hallway with Max, not in the bathroom with me…" Jace's expression softened.
"…He says he didn't see anything, but I'm sure he had to…The whole thing was mortifying…I still feel weird being around either of them, especially Max." Jace was holding the towel in his hands, but his back was still to me and he was making no move to hand me the towel. He just kept glancing over his shoulder at me repeatedly.
"Max...has seen…you naked?" Jace muttered slowly again as he glanced over his shoulder for the umpteenth time. My cheeks felt like they were on fire from embarrassment, but I wasn't really sure what came over me. I felt like I'd tried nearly every other angle, I was going to try one last resort. If I couldn't win him over playing fairly, maybe I could win him over playing dirty. I had nothing else to lose. Besides, I'd been working out so much I felt the most confident I'd ever been with my body and this bikini wax had me feeling a little extra sexy, and if nobody else was going to see it, Jace might as well get a good view. Bottom line, it's not that I felt more confident, I just didn't feel modest anymore, I just didn't care anymore.
"Want a better view?" I asked trying to sound seductive as I glanced over my shoulder at him.
"What?" Jace sounded confused. I counted to three, dropped my arms to my side, and turned around. Jace's jaw looked like it hit the ground. I gave Jace as self-assured look as I could as I pulled the transparent shower liner open.
"What are you doing?" Jace asked with a slight waver to his voice as he turned away from me, but that only lasted for about a second before he glanced back.
"I figured the only way I was going to get that towel was if I came over here and took it from you..." I said boldly as I walked right up so I was just a foot or so away from Jace. Jace glanced over his shoulder again. His eyes noticeably gazed down my body and back up. He swallowed hard and his Adam's apple bobbed in his throat. I reached my hand out, but Jace wasn't making any move to hand me the towel. He looked frozen in a state of shock. I reached out and grabbed the towel from his hands. He may not have been making any move to hand it to me, but he wasn't keeping me from taking it from him either. I used the towel to start drying my hair. Jace just looked back at me speechless with his mouth agape. Whether or not Jace had feelings for me, I knew he probably thought about sex every five seconds, and if he wasn't getting any elsewhere, he might fold under the pressure of temptation. Besides, if I couldn't get him out of my mind, he might as well have me stuck in his for a little while.
"…If you ever want to have sex…" Jace's eyebrows shot up so high they nearly disappeared in his hairline.
"…You know where to find me." I winked at him as I sidestepped him and wrapped the towel around my body. As I walked out of the bathroom Jace's hand grabbed onto my upper arm and he spun me around.
"Clary." Jace's voice sounded deep and husky and the combination of that and the way his eyes bore into mine caused my body to shiver slightly. He'd never looked at me this way before.
"What?" I asked softly, reflexively. It was quiet for just a moment as he gazed back at me, and I'm surprised we even heard the alarm clock going off in Jace's bedroom, but we jumped away from each other as though we had been electrically shocked. My towel fell completely to the ground and it was nearly a blur as Jace grabbed my towel off the ground and threw it into the bathroom before pushing me in as well. I could hear him muttering a quiet string of profanities as he shut the bathroom door behind me.
Whatever I might have thought I was accomplishing backfired, because Jace seemed to completely ignore me the rest of the morning, every time he walked into a room I was in, he immediately turned around and left again, and every time I walked into a room he was in, he got up and left. He hadn't been much better since we got to the wedding. The week might have been a charade of normalcy, but that charade was undeniably over.
I was sinking further and further into my chair as I sunk further into my pity party. The big question, why the hell was I here? Not just here at Benedict's wedding, which I really wasn't so sure of the answer to that question, but way was I still living at the apartment. How come I hadn't packed my bags and left? Besides the fact Jace and Aline both told me repeatedly they wanted me to stay, which I somehow expected their stance on that to change after what I pulled with Jace this morning, but the answer was simple, I was too stubborn to leave. I couldn't admit defeat. Of course that combined with the fact I really had limited other places I could go right now wasn't helping my situation. Another minor detail, I was PMSing, bad. My emotions were all over the place. One minute I'd be livid about something, the next I'd be completely depressed and in tears, and then I'd have these moments that I'd find my natural feminine superiority that Izzy was always going on and on about and I'd just want to do something like I pulled this morning. I couldn't keep my emotions under control at all.
A hand on my shoulder pulled me from my misery and I looked over to see warm green eyes gazing back at me at nearly eyelevel as Gab crouched down beside me.
"Gab, what are you doing?" I whisper scolded as I started to sit up straighter, but Gab's hand held firm on my shoulder as he smiled wider.
"Rescuing you." I gave up on fighting the pressure against my shoulder as I slouched back against my chair.
"What do you mean?" I asked as I looked back at him.
"You look so miserable. We're getting out of here." I shook my head.
"We can't just leave, people will notice." I said as I looked back up as the bride finally broke into tears.
"Nobody will notice…There are close to three hundred people here..." Gab said in an amused voice. I looked back at Gab and he was just smirking at me.
"…And it's not like we aren't coming back..." I glanced up at the bride and her father hugging and the room had erupted into people standing, clanging glasses, and saying cheers.
"Let's go." I looked back over at Gab; he was offering me his hand at this point. I could see the door from here, it was just a mere twenty feet away; they really put me in the back of this room.
"I thought you were supposed to be at the head table?" I asked as I stood. Nearly everybody else was standing at this point, although I wasn't standing up to clang my ginger ale to anybody's Champaign, oh yes, they didn't even give me Champaign; I was just standing to try to get a better look at who was actually up at the head table.
"I was, I snuck away when Lilith's father got up to speak…Now come on." His hand slid into mine and I found my feet following willingly, anywhere seemed better than here. A few short strides to the door and as I looked over my shoulder one last time, I realized nobody was watching, nobody cared. I glanced up at Jace and he was smiling and laughing with his cousin Gideon, Gab's older brother. I glanced over to see Aline, Izzy, Alec and the rest of the Lightwoods and not one was looking back my way. A short, haste walk down the hallway corridor and we were stepping outside onto the balcony.
I took a deep breath. Air. Fresh air. Real air. I hadn't realized how stuffy that room had become. It was raining outside, but the balcony had an overhang.
"I wonder where the saying first came from that rain on your wedding day was good luck. I can't believe anybody in their right mind hopes for rain, wishes that it will rain on their wedding day so that they'll be bestowed upon with all this luck. No, I don't think anybody wants a rainy wedding." I rambled more talking out loud to myself than talking to Gab. Gab just laughed as he dropped my hand and took a few steps away from me. I walked over to the edge of the balcony and tapped my palms to it lightly, it was completely dry. I leaned down and rested my elbows on the small ledge as I let my arms hang over the edge. Even with the light rain, the view from here was beautiful. It was one of those days that even though it was raining, the sky was clear blue. There were beautiful gardens on the compound and a vast field before a thicket of trees and you could just make out hills in the distance. You'd never know we were just an hour outside the city. I would have loved to have my sketchpad right now. I looked over at Gab just as he took a long drag from his cigarette. I shook my head.
"You weren't rescuing me; you were coming outside to smoke." I said in an amused tone. He smirked and gave me a half shrug.
"That's not entirely true…I was coming out to smoke, but then I saw this miserable girl slowly slipping underneath the table…" I let out with a little chuckle.
"…I barely recognized you with that hair…" He said as he took a couple steps closer to me.
"…Oh…Do you mind?..." He asked as he held up the cigarette. I shook my head. He covered the distance between us and reached out his hand and gently touched my hair.
"…Is it permanent?" I nodded. He scrunched up his face slightly and shook his head.
"Looked better before." I rolled my eyes.
"Thanks a lot." He chuckled as he took another pull from his cigarette.
"I just mean I like the fiery red better…" I just rolled my eyes and looked back out at the view. Gab stood next to me, his elbows resting on the ledge like mine, his arms hanging over the edge as well, his shoulder just slightly grazing mine.
"…So, who are those people you're sitting with anyway?" I glanced at him sideways and he was looking back at me with a quizzical expression as he took another pull from his cigarette. I just rolled my eyes.
"I don't know." He furrowed his eyebrows further.
"What do you mean you don't know? I figured you must know them if you're not sitting with Izzy and Alec and them." I gave a little shrug.
"It's a long story…" I don't know what came over me, maybe it was because I never tried it before, or because I hear people do it to relax or something, but I found curiosity overcoming me.
"…Can I?" I asked as I reached my hand out towards his cigarette burning away in his hand.
"Oh…" He started as he righted himself and put the cigarette in his mouth. I righted myself in response.
"…I would have offered, I didn't realize you smoked." He said as he pulled out the pack from his pants' pocket.
"No…I don't…I just…I wanted to try it." He hesitated as he started to pull a cigarette out from the pack.
"You've never smoked?..." He asked quizzically. I just shook my head. The cigarette burning away between his lips wasn't much more than just the butt at this point and he took it out of his mouth and flicked it over the edge of the balcony. He put a fresh cigarette in his mouth and held his lighter up to it. After making sure the cigarette was lit he held it out to me.
"…Here." I took the cigarette hesitantly. I felt a mixture of excited and nervous. I felt like I was doing something I shouldn't, but I felt such a rush too. I never did things I wasn't supposed to, well except drink, but that was different, my mom actually let me drink when I was eighteen. I think it had a lot to do with her living in London so long. You can drink in London at 18, actually I think my mom said it was even younger if your parent buys it for you, but we don't live in London, so that's neither here nor there. I personally thought it was odd that I was legally an adult, I could vote and go to war, but I couldn't legally drink an alcoholic beverage. My mom probably wouldn't condone my fake ID, but she didn't seem to care about me drinking, in moderation anyhow. It was only driving after drinking that she had absolutely no tolerance for, and I respected that, I never got behind the wheel if I had anything at all to drink and I was really careful about not getting in a car with anybody that had too much to drink. Of course smoking a cigarette, I was legally old enough to do, but I still felt like I was doing something I shouldn't be. I held the cigarette between my index finger and my middle finger like I had seen Gab do so many times before and I gazed down at it.
"So I just put it in my mouth and suck?..." I asked simply as I looked up at him. He was pursing his lips so bad and combined with that wicked look on his face, I quickly realized I might not have picked the best wording there.
"…Oh shut up!" I snapped as I put the cigarette to my lips. I inhaled deeply and realized that might not have been the best idea. I pulled the cigarette out of my mouth and just started coughing and coughing.
"Yeah…You probably didn't want to take quite that deep of a pull for your first time." I glared up at him as I handed him back the cigarette.
"You want to finish it?" I shook my head as I kept coughing.
"I think I'm good." He chuckled at he took the cigarette back and put it in his mouth. He reached into his jacket and pulled out a flask and took a swig, the cigarette still burning away between his lips. He offered the flask to me and I hesitated as I tried to suppress a few more coughs.
"I'm not old enough-" I started and he just smirked, the cigarette burning away between his lips, the flask in his hand being tipped side to side in a silent offering.
"You being old enough to drink is the least of my concerns…You're over eighteen, so you're old enough for anything I might care about…" I felt my cheeks flush slightly.
"…Come on…You're not fooling anyone, I've seen you drink Clary." I took the flask and took a small sip of a vile tasking liquid. It burned horribly all the way down.
"What is this?" I muttered as I coughed. He chuckled.
"Moonshine." I gave him an incredulous look.
"Where-"
"Don't ask." He said with a chuckle. I tried to offer the flask back, but Gab just shook his head.
"Have some more…Tell me this long story of yours…How did you end up at the reject table?" I gave him a little glare and he chuckled. I took another sip of the caustic liquid, a little larger this time, and coughed and scrunched up my face as the liquid burned my throat. Gab just chuckled again.
"It's just…When Jace filled out his response card, he wasn't really thinking it all through…He just put down that he was bringing one guest." I just sort of trailed off as I took another sip from the flask. I squeezed my eyes closed and shook my head as I fought the urge to cough this time.
"I'm surprised you came." He said with a curious look on his face as the cigarette burned away in his hand.
"I shouldn't have. I don't belong here." I muttered as I tipped the flask to my lips again. I squeezed my eyes closed as the acidic liquid burned my throat, but I was good, I didn't even come close to coughing this time. I looked off into the distance.
"Oh hey, hey…I didn't mean you shouldn't have come. I just…That's not what I meant…" He said as he put his hand under my chin and turned my face back to his. I looked back at him; he was now leaning his back against the balcony ledge and facing me, a gentle look on his face.
"…I saw you two together at the Country Club, and I was at Jace's birthday…I saw you leave…Plus…I mean…I'm not blind Clary…I knew you were into him for a long time now…I just figured you'd…I don't know…I figured you being around him would be hard for you right now…I was surprised to see you at the Country Club to tell you the truth, but being here, with Aline and him together…This has to be killing you." I took a deep breath and looked away from Gab. If it was so obvious, how come Jace never noticed? I took another swig from the flask and didn't even squeeze my eyes closed this time as the alcohol burned my throat.
"I see them together everyday…It's not that big of a deal." My voice sounded more distant and monotone even to me.
"You still live there?...With him?…With her?…With them?...I didn't realize…" Gab asked incredulously and just sort of trailed off. This time I took a good swig from the flask, closer to a shot, or a whole mouthful really, and god it burned so badly I could barely swallow it. I felt my eyes burning and watering, but I wasn't really sure if that was from the alcohol or not.
"Please let's not talk about that…I don't want to think about that right now." Gab's hand came down and rested gently on mine, which was resting on the ledge; he squeezed my hand sympathetically. I glanced back up at him. He was giving me a gentle look as his eyes bounced between mine. With one more pull on his cigarette he flicked it over the ledge and into oblivion.
"Ok, we won't talk about that anymore…" He said softly. I gave him a small smile and he mirrored mine with his own. He reached up and his thumb ever so gently wiped away at a tear that had just spilled over.
"…He's not worth your tears Clary." I let out with an uncomfortable chuckle. He had no idea how many tears I'd cried for Jace.
"It's the Moonshine." I argued defensively and he nodded.
"Right." He said gently. He reached his hand out and took the flask back from me. He took a swig himself before he screwed the cap back on and tucked it back in his coat pocket. I leaned forward again, with my elbows against the balcony, and looked out at the view. I could just make out a rainbow forming in the distance; it was still misting, but hardly raining now. I could feel Gab's eyes on me and I turned to look at him sideways. His eyes searched my face for a long moment.
"You look so gorgeous." He said softly as his eyes gazed into mine.
"Thank you." I said coyly. I could feel my cheeks really start to burn and I looked away. I didn't get a lot of complements from guys, and even though I had my share of complements today, this felt different; I didn't feel Gab had any obligation to be polite. Though Gab always complimented me and said flirtatious things, this didn't feel like his typical flirtation, this felt more sincere, or maybe he was just throwing out all his player moves, but I didn't really care. His hand reached up and his fingertips gently grazed my jawbone. I looked back up at him. Gab was looking at me so gently, and I could see the concerned look in his eyes. It almost reminded me of Jace, how he looked at me so often.
"It's wrong for such a pretty girl to look so sad Clary…" I didn't want to feel miserable. I had felt so upset so much lately and I just wanted to feel anything else right now. I just stared back at him silently, my mind weighing the pros and cons of encouraging him, because I knew Gab and he needed little or no encouragement.
"…I could help you forget about him you know." Gab said suggestively as his eyes continued to bore into mine. He was looking at me like he wanted me, and I wanted to feel wanted, I needed to feel wanted right now. I felt like one by one everybody had been pushing me out of their life, and right now, I just really needed to feel wanted by somebody, and if nothing else, that's what Gab was offering me. Maybe it was the thought in the back of my mind that Gab bothered Jace more than anybody else, and that if anything was going to get Jace's attention, this would, or maybe it was just the need to feel that somebody wanted me, anybody, but as Gab leaned forward slowly, his hand moving from trailing my jaw line to cupping behind my neck, I found myself leaning towards him too.
"I'm not looking for a relationship Gab." I said softly, nearly whispering, as my head titled expectantly to line up with his, although the comment seemed moot, I knew that's not what Gab was looking for either. Gab's smirk turned up more.
"I'm not offering you one." Gab leaned in the rest of the way and pressed his lips to mine softly. My eyes fluttered shut as I let myself get lost in the moment. His lips were warm and so gentle. He moved in close, pulling my body flush with his as he wrapped his arms around me and my hands smoothed up his chest and snaked around his neck reflexively. I couldn't help it when my senses compared Gab's spicy cologne mixed with the smell of smoke to Jace's soft intoxicating scent. I couldn't stop myself from noting that Gab's hands griped my body rougher than Jace ever would. Gab's tongue gently ran across my lower lip and I parted my lips in response. The strong taste of smoke still in Gab's mouth had me questioning my actions, but I just kept kissing him; it had been so long since I kissed anybody. I suppressed the reservation that come over me as Gab's hands smoothed down my back and then grabbed at my ass. I ignored every alarm going off in my body telling me to pull away as Gab turned so his body was pinning mine hard against the edge of the balcony. I tried to just let myself get carried away in the moment, because right now, I knew Gab wanted me, and I needed to feel wanted.
A/N - Thank you so much as always for reading and reviewing!
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