So the dig begins, and the shovel is a blade,

Ripping up the pill powder earth.

A heel striking the back of the tool,

And you're one foot down.

Just do it...

I pursed my lips, the two white and orange capsules rolling in the palm of my slightly trembling hand.

No one will notice. You're good at this. Don't worry.

I raised the hand to my lips, then stopped.

What are you waiting for? You've already fucked up your life, what else is there to fuck up?

I scowled and placed the pills on my tongue. I grabbed the glass of water that was waiting by the sink, and swallowed them. That would keep me up and going through the day.

I sighed and stared at my face in the mirror. Drawn, gaunt. I had a black eye and a large, purplish bruise on my jaw from a fight I'd gotten myself in the night before, with some random drunk on the street. Seeing as I wasn't fully coordinated or prepared, I took a minor beating. I didn't look nearly as bad as that other guy though. I tore my gaze from the mirror before I could look myself in the eye. I couldn't do it, so I turned and started to get ready.

I grabbed a clean shirt, and pulled it over my head, tugging it down over my scarred sides. I winced as one of the fresher cuts was rubbed against by the fabric, but I brushed the feeling off. I pulled on a pair of jeans and slipped on my sneakers, trying them up quickly before leaving the bathroom, tucking the bag of pills into my deep pant's pocket as I left.

Just in time.

Yukio stood right outside the bathroom, reading a folder of papers. I hadn't seen him yet today, and I was about to duck my face, so I could avoid the interrogation just a bit longer, but he looked up.

"Good morning- Nii-san!?" His eyes went wide as he took in my face.

I scoffed and tried to walk away. "I'm fine, Yukio." I muttered.

He flung his arm out to stop me and tucked the folder under his free arm. "What happened?" He demanded.

I huffed. "Yukio, I just got in a bit of a fight, it's normal, it's not-" I was interrupted quickly.

"No, it's not normal. It used to be, sure, but you stopped. What happened?" He pressed.

I raked my fingers through my messy, tangled hair that now reached my shoulders because I didn't feel the need to cut it. "It... I just ran into some drunk on the street, it's nothing serious." I mumbled. I wasn't lying...

Yukio's eyes narrowed. "Just some drunk? Usually, you'd come away from those fights with nothing but a split knuckle." He said suspiciously, eyeing my battered face.

I forced a grin and showed him my torn knuckles. "I got some of those as well, see? Normal." He kept on staring, and I rolled my eyes. "I was caught by surprise, alright?" I said.

He lowered his arm, and I walked past him, ready to go downstairs for some food, when he spoke again. "Why aren't you healing?" He asked suddenly, sounding confused again.

I froze. Crap, I forgot about that. I shrugged, not looking at him. "I-I dunno... maybe my powers are kinda low at the moment." I made up on the spot. I hadn't thought about a real lie for that one... 'course, there was no believable lie for that. I wanted to hurt, plain and simple.

After a moment of tense silence, Yukio seemed to let it go, seeing as he went into the bathroom to get ready for the mission we had that day. I breathed a sigh of relief and went downstairs.

Kuro looked up from the counter as I approached, and his eyes brightened, then fell as he sniffed the air. I averted my eyes from him and went into the kitchen to make something for breakfast.

'Rin...' Kuro muttered to me. He jumped onto my shoulder and pressed his head against my cheek.

Kuro had basically found me out months ago, and for a while, he'd avoided me, seeing as I'd yelled at him. When I finally apologized, he'd come back to being my familiar, but he hadn't accepted what I'd... become.

"What, Kuro?" I asked him, somewhat sharper than I'd intended. I noticed him flinch, and I reached up to scratch his head. "Sorry. I've got a headache."

'Rin, when are you gonna stop?' Kuro asked me.

I stopped for a moment, then resumed filling a pot with leftover miso soup. "It's not a problem, Kuro. You don't have to worry about me." I answered in a hushed voice, in case Yukio came downstairs earlier than I expected.

Kuro frowned at me, I could see it out of the corner of my eye. 'I do! I have to look after you, and you're not happy anymore, Rin!' He mewled loudly.

I looked at him with a bitter smile. "But I'm not sad either, Kuro. Don't worry about me." I said, turning the heat on under the pot and placing a lid on it before moving on to make some rice.

'Don't worry about you!? You come home drunk almost every night, you always smell like blood, and for a month or two, you've been... different! I don't even know what you're doing!' Kuro cried out.

I chuckled. "Sorry, Kuro. That's all I can say." I said truthfully. I was extremely glad that Kuro couldn't tell anyone about me, seeing as I was the only one who could understand him. Kuro pouted and jumped down off my shoulders, landing neatly on the counter.

'Rin, I don't want you to be hurting yourself like this... drinking so much isn't going to help you, whatever's wrong with you!' He said.

I patted his head. "Again, don't worry, I'm in control, Kuro. Now, I have some leftover sukiyaki, are you hungry?" I asked, forcing myself to sound happy, for his sake.

Kuro's head drooped and he jumped off the counter to the floor. 'No, I'm not hungry right now...' He replied, slinking out of the kitchen.

I stared after him. I wanted to feel guilty, I wanted to feel bad for hurting his feelings, but I couldn't. So, I turned back to my cooking. My heart sped up a little bit, probably from the drugs I'd taken. Damn, that worked fast. I wondered how long they'd last?

.

.

.

"Hey guys! What's up?" I called out, running towards them. My tail was flicking back and fourth, as if I were impatient. My body urged me to move, and I hadn't felt this great in months.

The others blinked. "O-Okumura-kun... are you okay?" Konekomaru asked hesitantly.

I grinned at him, relishing in the happiness that was coursing through me. "Ha! I've never felt better! You guys all set for the job today?" I shuffled on my feet. I didn't want to sit down, I felt like I might explode if I did.

"What the hell, you damn Monkey, you're more energetic than you've been in half a year, what the hell happened?" Bon asked, sounding amused.

I scratched the back of my neck and ground my teeth. "Ah, I just got a good nights sleep. You didn't answer my question!" I jumped forward and put him in a friendly headlock, and he yelped before shoving me off and turning to face me. His eyes widened.

"Okumura, what the hell happened to your face?" He muttered, taking in my beaten appearance.

I licked my lips, but not because I was nervous, just because my lips were dry. "I was d-" I caught myself. I almost slipped up and told him. Damn, this was harder than I thought.

But it was worth it.

I felt great, happy, energetic.

"I was walking home from the next town over last night, and some drunk dude picked a fight with me. I was tired, and I was caught off guard, so..." I pointed to my black eye. "I got this!" I said cheerfully. Why not be happy about it? Fighting was good for me, it helped.

A hand touched my shoulder, and I jumped. I turned and looked at the girl who had touched me, and smiled.

"Hey, Shiemi! Sorry you had to see me like that the other day, that was pretty bad wasn't it?" I said, referring to the come-down headache I'd had, where I'd been taken away from Cram School by Mephisto.

Shiemi frowned. "Rin, fighting isn't something you should be happy about, you're hurt."

I shrugged. "I've had worse." I was met with blank looks. "I used to fight all the time, I never told you that?" I asked, bewildered by there looks.

"N-no, you never did." Shima spoke up.

I bit the inside of my lip. "Ah, you're right, why would I have told you that? Well, you know now!" I pushed back my hair, revealing the scar from Reiji's knife. "I got this a few days before joining True Cross. But... that one wasn't really my fault... he was a demon, so." I shrugged again. "I wonder if that counts..." I was running my mouth.

Thankfully, I was saved by the door opening. I turned to see Yukio enter the room. His eyes flicked to me for a moment, flashed with worry, then returned to the group as a whole. "Well. Since we're all gathered and we all know what we're doing, let's get going. Your weapons have already been stored in the van." He gestured for us to come, and we all got going.

I grinned. Finally, I could feel happy about doing something with the others again.

.oOo.

I looked at our surroundings, taking in the familiar scene with amusement. This was the exact same neighborhood that Rouga lived in. Huh, wonder how he was doing, I hadn't seen him since he'd given me the pills.

"As you all know, it's just a simple nest of Hobgoblins, but it is bigger than normal, and therefore requires a group instead of only a couple Exorcists. I'll remind you again, you have to be careful, if you get injured from the demons, come to me immediately after, because the place we're going is not the cleanest." Yukio's voice faded into the background as he went on to instruct us on positioning and more advanced fighting techniques... not that we'd really need them for a Hobgoblin nest.

My eyes focused instantly on the familiar alley that I walked down frequently. I felt a flicker of anxiety. What if someone who lived around here recognized me? I'd been drunk here plenty of times, someone would surely notice me and at least give me a look. Well, the others probably wouldn't notice that, so...

"The warehouse is just down this street here, so when we get out of sight of the main road, I'd like those of you who are using weapons to make sure that they're properly working. Tamers can call out their familiars, and Arias should go over their prayers to get them in their heads." Yukio instructed them.

But I wasn't listening.

A noise had caused me to stop dead in my tracks, my tail twitching beneath my shirt, my eyes wide and alert. Someone asked me what was wrong, but I couldn't tell who. I was listening for the noise again, and when I caught it, I took off in the direction from where it came. I knew that voice.

"Rin, where are you going!?"

"Okumura-kun, get back here right-"

I tore around the corner of the nearest backstreet and immediately launched myself at the first person I saw, which was luckily the person I wanted to attack. Rouga, who had been shoved against the wall by his attacker, collapsed to his knees, his hand pressed against his throat, which was bleeding.

I, however, didn't acknowledge this, knowing that Rouga was just shocked. All I could see was the man laying under me, his nose bleeding from a hard punch delivered by my fist.

I grabbed the man's collar and pulled him up by it, before landing another punch on his jaw. I leaned into the man's face. "What the hell do you want with Rouga, huh?" I snarled, my eyes narrowed.

The man scowled and spat blood in my face, causing me to flare with rage, earning him another painful crack across the face. Furious with him for hurting my friend, I lifted him up and slammed him against the wall of the building, causing the man to hit the back of his head on the bricks. He hissed as my fist went into his stomach, and he doubled over coughing. I lifted my leg, ready to kick him, when a hand grabbed my arm and forcefully pulled me back.

"Nii-san! Stop it!"

I blinked. My vision, which had been narrowed down to seeing just my target, now took in the scene in around me. Blood was on the wall, where the man's head had hit it. The wounds on my knuckles had reopened and were now dripping with blood, and I noticed a dull ache where the tendon in my first right knuckle had obviously been injured.

"Someone call 119, this man needs to go to a hospital." Yukio ordered, still holding me firmly by the arm.

"Th-this guy needs help too, Okumura-sensei, he's bleeding really heavily." Konekomaru stated.

My head snapped towards Rouga, and I broke free of Yukio's grip to run over to him. I got down on my knees to be eye level with the blonde teen, and looked at his throat. Blood pulsed from between his fingers, but for some reason, he was grinning.

"Well... didn't expect you to be here this time 'f day... what's up, Rin?" Rouga's words were slurred and his face was pale from the blood loss.

I felt stares boring into my back from my now (probably) suspicious classmates, but I ignored them, this was more important. I leaned in closer to Rouga's ear. "You're not drunk, are you? I need to know to see how much blood you've lost." I hissed, just loud enough for him to hear.

Rouga gulped and shook his head. "Nah, not right now... actually, I kinda need-" His eyes fluttered shut, and my heart pounded in fear. I slapped his cheek gently, and his eyes reopened a bit.

"Hey, no, stay awake, we're gonna get you to a hospital, okay? You're gonna be fine." I assured him, putting my arm under Rouga's and lifting him to his feet.

Rouga snorted. "That's ironic..." he mumbled. His hand dropped, and I sucked in a breath. Maybe it looked worse that it was, but it certainly was deep. Someone said that the ambulance was on it's way, and I helped Rouga to the entrance of the street, where we'd be more easily seen.

Rouga was looking like he was about to close his eyes again. I had to keep him awake. "Oh? Why is that ironic?" I asked, helping him lay down on the sidewalk. I grabbed my sleeve and ripped off the hem before pressing it to the wound. Sirens wailed in the distance, and were coming closer.

Rouga smirked lazily. "'Cause I was on my way t' kill myself when that guy showed up, demanding drugs..." He whispered to me.

What?

I felt like the air had been sucked out of my lungs by a vacuum. All of the drug-induced happiness was gone, replaced by anxiety and fear and that dead weight on my chest.

Rouga's eyes closed, but when I grabbed his wrist, there was still a pulse. I was aware of the siren as the ambulance pulled up to the sidewalk, and I was dragged out of the way by someone, probably one of the EMTs. I couldn't hear anything except for the pounding in my ears and the flushed out noises of the sirens and the medical staffs urgent voices.

Someone grabbed my shoulders and shook me, but my attention was trained on Rouga, who was now being lifted into the ambulance. Why hadn't I noticed that he'd gotten that much worse? Or maybe I had, but I was too caught up in my own depression to think much of it, or to do anything about it?

What kind of friend was I? I hadn't done anything to help him.

God.

I really was worthless, wasn't I?

And thus begins the end.

(WARNING: LONG AUTHORS NOTE. PLEASE READ THO, K? :) )

Yup, I'm gonna be wrapping up this story soon! But don't worry, there are at least seven more chapters to go. I hope you guys liked this one, or at least found it somewhat intriguing.

Uwah. I'm actually wondering what I should do with Rouga. He's not a major character, I feel, but he's kinda grown on me. Lol, to tell the truth, he was supposed to turn out bad a while ago, but he kinda just became someone who I wanted to hug and make him feel better. But eh, maybe that's just me. Tell me what you think should happen with him, I need to decide before the next chapter.

Oh, and I realize that this story has offended some people, and I really, really want to apologize. I know that some people think it's too much, and I have something to say.

One, I really am sorry. I realize how this could be hard to read for some people, and I never meant for that to happen. Please forgive me if you feel like this.

Two, I feel like I have to say this. I did lie. In the beginning chapters of this story, I said that I was feeling fine, and I wasn't depressed. In truth, I was. I was severely depressed at that point in time. Writing stories like this one is my way of coping with that depression and stress. It helps me a lot. I myself have struggled with self harm and depression, and my family has had many problems with drug and alcohol addiction, and it has directly affected myself and my mental state heavily.

Right now, yes, I'm fine, and I'm doing well. I promise to you guys, I am not lying this time. I want to thank you all so much for giving me positive feedback, or telling me what needs to be said. You're all a part in making me feel better, and I have to thank you for that.

So thank you all for sticking with me, and I hope we can continue to "coexist" with each other, ne? :) I love you all so much. Thank you, and I am sorry.

P.S. I promise that the next story I update will either be Mating Season or Silver Vine... I feel like I've neglected them... :P Okay. Oh, and for the next six chapters, there are going to be segments of a poem before the chapter, it's my original poem, so, I haven't stolen anything, okay? haha :)