I'm sick. Oh my god. My throat is so scratchy and sore and irritated and I just know that this will lead to some sort of disgusting upper respiratory infection. The kind I love to write about in fanfiction.

I guess it's karma.

Wendy really isn't the best pivot, on whatever terms we might be speaking. I've refrained from calling her fucking (or even freaking) Wendy because I know she reads this shit. That or she's telling me she reads it so I don't say anything negative about her.

Whatever.

So I guess she asked Cartman what the fuck was going on between him and Bebe, because Bebe talks to him almost as much as she talks to Kyle. And Cartman was like, "mind your own business, ho!"

And so she was like, "I'm your girlfriend; I think I deserve to know why you're spending so much time alone with my best friend!"

And then Cartman was like, "Why do you care so much? It obviously concerns Kahl and Kahl only. What, do you still have a crush on him or something?"

And then I had to listen to Wendy bitch about how infuriating Cartman is, or something. I don't know, I kind of tuned her out when I realized she hadn't gotten any information for me.

She did say something about being kind of jealous that Bebe is always one-on-one with Cartman, because even though he's a bigoted racist asshole, Cartman is "charming and incredibly smart", or whatever.

So then I said, "At least your boyfriend hasn't nearly been taken from you twice and isn't always surrounded by a pack of infatuated fan girls." Because, really, she is.

And Wendy was like, "But you know he isn't going to do anything with them, Stan! Kyle's gay. He isn't interested in girls; for the most part he just ignores all of the attention. Cartman hasn't gotten any action in years; of course he's going to jump at any chance he gets."

"Like anyone would be attracted to Cartman's fat ass."

"Listen, Stan, I'm doing you a favor. I don't have to be here, trying to pry information from my already irritable boyfriend. You really don't have to be rude just because your relationship isn't going well."

"What relationship? You obviously weren't persistent enough with Cartman. I'm not making you stay."

Okay, so that was sort of hypocritical. I practically begged Wendy for an alliance, and by the next day I was just a few cracks away from destroying it.

"All right; then I won't." As always, Wendy remained composed. She stood up to leave, which was when I realized I had kind of fucked up. I really don't need any more enemies at this point.

"No, don't." I said. I probably sounded super dejected. "I'm sorry."

"Forget it, Stan."

Right, so screw that plan. Whatever, Wendy'll come around.

Kenny's more reliable anyway. Seriously, he's such a good friend. I kind of think we take him for granted sometimes. But even if we do, I can tell he doesn't mind. He's quiet but smooth, if that makes sense. Like, he doesn't say much, and most of what he does say is really perverse. I can't say it isn't refreshing.

Unless he's dead, Kenny's always there when someone needs him. He's always more than willing to get out of his house, and I don't blame him. I've only been there a few times, and just from that I can tell it must be a shitty place to live.

Still, Kenny never complains.

He showed up just a few minutes after I texted him, and immediately made himself at home by sitting on my bed with his shoes on.

"It's Kyle, right? Dude, I hate to say it, but he hasn't said much about you. I think he's distracting himself." Kenny has sort of a Southern drawl, like his mom. It's hardly noticeable unless you pay close attention, and it sounds kind of cute on his flighty voice.

"He's totally ignoring me. I don't know what I did wrong."

"Stan, you're shitting me. You cheat on him with Red and say you didn't do anything wrong?!"

"What? No! I don't even talk to Red!"

"Dude, that's not what I heard. Bebe said you got wasted at her party last weekend and got to third base."

"I wasn't even at that party!"

Seriously, what the fuck? Fucking girls, man. I swear.

Hmm, what next? I don't know. This idea is taking me nowhere. Because I fail.

If the English is a bit skewed or the narration sounds a bit less like Stan, it's because my sore fucking throat is distracting me. GOD I'M SO ANGRY I HATE BEING SICK WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE WOULD INFECT ME AHHH HOW DO YOU CURE A SORE THROAT?!

Please tell me what you thought.