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CHAPTER 10: MY WAY, WHATEVER THAT MAY BE
EPOV
I couldn't believe she had seen that, that she had heard that. Now, not only had she watched Jessica shamelessly throw herself at me, but she also knew that she was coming over tonight. I had never felt embarrassed about the way girls behaved around me until today. Not even when Carlisle or Esme did I feel like this much of a disappointment.
I couldn't speak to her. I couldn't even look at her. I knew what she had to be thinking. Even I was thinking it. I am awful. I piled the groceries into the car before opening her door for her, now doing it out of instinct more than in order to be impressive. As soon as I sat down, my fists clenched the steering wheel so tightly that it almost hurt. I ground my teeth together, trying hard not to lose my temper completely, especially not in front of her. What is there that I could possibly to fix this, and more importantly, since when hasn't there been an easy fix to something like this?
I couldn't decide what to do about this. Upon arriving in her driveway, I made the decision that my head would be clearer if she was away from me. I quickly opened her door and moved on to unload the car, hoping she would just go inside. Hopes were dashed as I felt her standing behind me. I shook my head, refusing help but also unable to speak to her. I carried in the bags, leaving them on the empty surfaces on the kitchen. Bella had perched on one of the counters near the sink, just watching me. Waiting. Once the bags were all out of my car, I stood on the black driveway, trying to determine whether speeding home or letting her say what she needed to say was more appropriate. I'm not sure if it was for me, for Alice, or for Bella that I stayed, but I calmly approached the house.
I reached the kitchen, my eyes on Bella's back as she leaned down to look into the refrigerator as she filled it. Please look at me, I will her with my eyes. Nothing. Not only did I not understand her behavior, I had no idea what to expect from her. I see her place the last of the food and close the door.
Finally, she brought her eyes up. I was hoping that looking at her would give me some indication of what to do. Again, nothing. She didn't look angry. Her eyes weren't welling up. She just stood there, waiting for me to speak.
I have no idea what to do. I start pacing, raking my hands through my hair. Why did this have to be so difficult?!
I finally turn to her, giving up on trying to find the right words. "Well?! Isn't there anything you want to say to me?!" manages to spill out of my mouth. Her answer could at least start to point me in the right direction.
"What do you want me to say, Edward?" is all she says.
WHAT? What am I supposed to do with that? This is one time when I wish she was every other girl I knew.
"You don't want to yell at me or anything?"
The next words out of her mouth are enough to almost knock me off my feet.
"Edward, why would I yell at you?" she said, now moving towards me. "I understand. It's not like you didn't tell me that most girls act that way towards you. I mean I wasn't quite expecting that, no, but it's not like you didn't warn me. I get it. I know this is who you are."
I know this is who you are.
I know this is who you are.
I know this is who you are.
She must've seen how stunned I was as she moved in to hug me. I feel like this terrible person, but not only does she understand me, but she forgives me. I'm really so lost right now that I do the only thing I can think of. I let my cheek rest on her head, once again exposing my nose to her incredible smell, and put my arms around her. I stand there with her holding onto me until I start to move and she takes it as I sign to let go.
"Thank you again for paying for everything," she says, stepping away from me. I still find it near impossible to move. She opens her mouth again, smiling a little.
"Hey, you better get out of here now. Jessica's going to be at your house soon."
I can feel my eyes nearly pop out of my head. I knew it was a joke, but somehow her even mentioning Jessica to me was like a punch to the stomach. Not knowing what else to do, I nod and turn to leave. How is she not mad at me? Even Alice hates on me for the way I am, but Bella is indifferent. She's gonna change her mind soon, I know it.
I turn back to her, my eyes hopeful. "Will you call me, text me, anything later so I know you haven't gotten mad at me?"
"Of course I will," she says giving me another smile. I force myself to smile back at her before walking out the door.
I know this is who you are.
I know this is who you are.
I can hear her saying it, still trying to take in what she is saying. She can't possibly accept the way I am now that she's this side of me. It is even too unpredictable for her.
Suddenly, the voice in the back of my head speaks up.
I know this is who you are. What's wrong with that? She's not lying, it is exactly who you are. You can have any girl you want, in fact, you do have every girl you could want. This is you, if she can understand that, what's wrong with you?
I start to feel angry. Of course this is who I am! This is exactly who I am. Why would a couple meetings with one girl change that?! It doesn't, not at all! And I'm going to prove it to myself and anyone else that cares the second Jessica walks into my room.
I ate quickly when Esme called us for dinner. I didn't want to lose my thoughts to guilt. I rushed back up to my room, sitting on my bed, allowing my feet to tap out erratic patterns on the floor.
This is exactly who I am. EXACTLY. And I'm going to show her.
It wasn't long before I heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Before she even has a chance to reach for the handle, I pull Jessica inside, pushing her against the door immediately pushing my tongue into her mouth. She growls against my lips as I put both my hand under her thighs and pick her up. She starts placing sloppy kisses down the side of my neck while I move towards the bed. I laid her down and moved on top of her. My lips met hers again and she followed my lead as I explored her mouth while slowly moving her shirt up her body. I pull my lips away only to breathe when she tries to turn me over.
"Uh, uh," I say to her, holding beneath me. I'm in control tonight. It is about me and I am calling the shots.
I start to move again as if I'm on autopilot. I can feel myself get hard and grind onto Jessica, but all I can think is, "see Bella, this is who I am."
I quickly ridded us of all our clothing as Jessica started to follow my movements. If I wanted her to touch me, I would move her hands. I directed her like a puppet.
I finally enter her, feeling my hardness pulse along with my heartbeat. I thrust in and out quickly, grinning at my accomplishment.
I continued on at this fast pace, feeling proud as Jessica moans, "Edward, baby, this is incredible." I know, I think to myself.
My movements become irregular as I begin to feel that high of climaxing. Just as I feel myself spilling into Jessica, all I can see in my mind is her. There she is, her brown hanging all around her face, her eyes are calm and understanding, and she wore a small smile on her full lips. Again it came back to me; how could she possibly understand why I am this way if even I don't understand?
As soon as I feel my heartbeat become stable I quickly pull out from Jessica, who is now smiling to herself in my sheets, and sit up at the edge of the bed. I don't get it. This is my life. Since when can one girl change who I am?
I move off the bed, despite Jessica trying to reach for me. I quickly find a pair of pajama bottoms and cover myself up. I'm not entirely sure why I do this, but I just feel the need. I walk over to my desk and see my phone. I smile, hoping that she had texted me, called me, left me something. That she had thought about me a little bit, as I couldn't get her out of my head. I quickly shifted into the chair next to my desk, trying to calm myself before reaching over to the phone as slowly as I could. I flipped it open and there on the screen was "One New TXT Message" with her number underneath it. I press another button and on the screen appears her message:
"Still not mad. Are you sure I can't pay you back for the groceries?"
I smile and Jessica watches me from the bed. "Who are you texting?" she says, pulling the sheet around her.
"Uh, Emmett," I reply quickly. I type back to her:
"Of course you may not, you already have."
I wait for a minute and my phone lights up in my hand. She must not understand the impact she's having on me, as I read her message:
"Huh?"
I chuckle and look up at Jessica. I know what I want to do. What I have to do.
"Jessica, I know that you're going to be upset, but Emmett locked himself out of his house and I need to go get him." I go to her, kneeling on the floor in front of her. I know she always likes it when it looks like I'm begging. I've never needed to beg a day in my life. I put a hand on both of her legs right above the knee and she nods at me, smiling with all her teeth. She gets up and starts putting on clothing as I do the same. I look over at her as she does; she is beautiful, but she's not what I want, what I need in my life.
She demands a kiss goodbye as we walk down the stairs and I oblige. If I can really try this, it may be a much longer goodbye than she bargained for.
I see her car pull away and go back in the house, feeling slightly…I'm not sure, dirty. I decide though that the inspiration in my head is far more important and head to the basement to pick up on the piano music that I had left unattended only hours ago.
Hope everyone's Breaking Dawn experience is going well!