Dr. Esterhaus straightened his shoulders and putting a hand on Adam's arm said, "Why don't we sit down over here." He turned to guide Adam to a chair, but Adam broke away from his grasp.
"No!" He exploded. "I don't want to sit in a chair!" He stood seething and took in shallow, ragged breaths.
Dr. Esterhaus studied the young man thoughtfully, recognizing that he had somehow touched a nerve so raw and fresh that pain seemed to radiate off the twenty-year old.
"No, I'm sorry." He began again, attempting to sooth the boy's jangled nerves.
"Is he dead? Is that what you're gonna say? Is little Ford . . ." He stopped abruptly, lifting an arm to hide his eyes.
"No. Ford is not dead. Adam, please sit down." Dr. Esterhaus pleaded.
Slowly, reluctantly the boy slid into a chair and Dr. Esterhaus sat across from him.
"Remember, we said we'd keep monitoring his blood to make sure the infection was going down?"
Adam nodded numbly.
"The last time we checked it, there was a slight rise in . . ." He glanced at the young man's terror stricken face, deciding now wasn't the time for precise medical explanations. "He isn't getting better any more. I think there's an abscess we missed. Inside."
"What are you gonna do?"
"I'm going to go back in, and check. We'll put in some more tubes to drain the poison out. It's not like his numbers have gotten a ton worse. It is just that they aren't improving at all. But, I don't want to take any chances with him. Sepsis is bad, Adam, I'm not going to lie to you. And it is worse for small children like your brother, but I'm doing everything in my power. I would rather be aggressive with his treatment, than miss something."
"I thought . . . when you said 'sit down' . . .they said that before when . . ." He looked up meeting the doctor's eyes, and it was only then that Dr. Esterhaus could see how terribly young Adam was. He looked like a boy unsure and fearful, turning to a grown-up for reassurance.
"I promise you. We are going to get Ford better. I promise to do everything I can to make that happen."
He recognized that the line between patient and doctor was becoming blurry. He was becoming too attached to this family. He sighed remembering what his wife had told him just last weekend, "Bill! You are so detached! Don't you feel anything?"
Impulsively, he stretched his hand out across the short distance that separated him from this young man, and put a hand on his arm. "Adam, you need to rest. There's a room the doctor's use to sleep when they can; I'll have a nurse take you there. He'll be in surgery for the next few hours. I swear they'll wake you if there's need. You can't keep going like this."
"No, I . . .gotta call my brothers and . . ."
"Son, that will take a few minutes and then lie down. I can prescribe something - nothing powerful, just to let you rest."
The boy looked up with dark eyes that brimmed with tears. "I just want Ford to be alright." He whispered.
Dr. William Esterhaus swallowed hard and nodding his head squeezed the boy's shoulder again.
"I'll send the nurse to you." He said after a long silence, and rising abruptly strode away.
He paused at the nurse's station, glancing around until he saw Marla Parker.
"Marla?" He said surprised at the shaky sound of his own voice. She crossed to where he stood.
"Yes, doctor." But then seeing his face asked, "Bill? Are you alright?"
He glanced over his shoulder where twenty-year old Adam McFadden sat with his head in his hands. Marla followed his line of sight and sighed.
"See if you can't get him to lie down. He's exhausted, and there's nothing to do but wait. I gotta go prep."
Marla nodded saying nothing, both of them watching Adam from a distance.
"My nephew's twenty." He said thinking of the lanky boy who slumped on his couch whenever they were over at the house. "He wants a car." He sighed. "That one over there just wants his little brother to be okay." He shook his head. "Page Dr. Anderson. I want him to scrub in. I might be getting too attached."
"Pretty hard not too." She said. "I'll page him now."
"Keep an eye on him, would you Marla?"
"Yes, Doctor." She said and with a nod at her, he turned to see if he could save Adam's little brother.
***7***
"I'm not eating it." Danny said stubbornly with a steady glare at Marlene.
"That's fine, Danny." She said patiently. "You want to eat Danny's too?" She asked Evan.
"Yes!" Evan cheered and Marlene reached to move Danny's plate in front of Evan, but Danny reached out with a firm grip, holding his plate to him.
"I didn't say you could give it away."
Marlene glanced up, catching Crane's eye. Crane shook his head with a sad grin, and Marlene nodded at him.
"Can't seem to make up your mind this morning, Daniel." She said to him and rose to pour herself a cup of coffee.
"When am I gonna see Adam?" Danny whined.
"He's at the hospital still." Crane answered. "Danny quit being a brat. You aren't being fair to Marlene."
"I don't like being bossed. I'm not a baby!"
"I'm sorry, Danny. I didn't mean to be bossy." Marlene said gently with a sad grin.
"I wanna see Adam!"
"Adam! Adam!" Guthrie chanted and sliding down from where he sat, he crossed over to where Crane stood, and clinging to his brother's long legs, craned his neck back and looking up at Crane repeated, "Adam! Adam!"
"Now, you've done it." Marlene said to Danny who saged visibly.
Crane reached down and lifted Guthrie up into his arms. "Wanna go see the chickens, Guth? Let's go see if there are eggs."
"I already . . ." Evan began, but Crane shook his head.
"Guthrie likes to check too. Don't you Guth?"
"Chickens!" Guthrie said cheerfully.
"The bus will be here." Marlene said and Evan immediately popped up to find his backpack. She looked at Danny. "You wanna go today?"
Danny pushed his plate away and rested his head on his arms on the table. He turned his head sideways so he could see Marlene's face.
"I don't know. Are you gonna stay here today?"
"I'll be here with Guthrie, or at the hospital. If you want to try and go, you can call me any time Danny. I'll come get you." She reached out and ran a hand through his hair.
"I'll go, I guess." He said pushing back his chair, and rising slowly. "How will I call if you are at the hospital?"
"If I go there, I'll call the school first, so they know where I am." She said gently.
"Okay." He said and left to get his backpack. He paused at the doorway and said softly over his shoulder. "Thanks Marlene. I'm sorry I've been such a brat."
"Don't worry about that, Danny. You aren't a brat. You are a good boy." She said swallowing down tears. "You just . . ."
"I miss Mama." He said softly.
"Yes." She nodded as a tear spilled out and rolled down her cheek.
"I don't wanna miss the bus." He said and she nodded her head at him.
"You call me, Danny, and I'll be right there."
"Yes, ma'am." He said
***7***
Esther Simmons was twenty-seven years old, and with the addition of Danny McFadden, she had twenty-seven students. Last year her class had twenty-six students. When she was twenty-five, she taught a class of twenty-five rambunctious students. Her fiancé, Mark teased her over this odd recurring coincidence. "Just wait til you're forty-five!" He'd laughed.
Of course, the addition of Danny was closer to adding ten students. He was a boy bereft. It didn't help that he was small for his age and adorable with bright, big eyes.
She had been calm and gentle with him, his first day coinciding with his younger brother's illness. He had watched her silently all day. She dismissed the class for lunch recess, keeping him back.
"Do you have your notes for the novel you were reading in your other class?" She asked him.
Saying nothing but staring her down with eyes that burned with rage, he extracted three thin sheets of paper from his notebook. Each page was covered with dark, angry writing.
"Bring them here." She said leading him to an empty metal trash can. She glanced around nervously, and then rolled them into a long tube.
"Hold it over the trash can." She said handing them back to him. "Keep your hand at the top."
His eyes grew wide with shock as she reached into her pocket retrieving a small lighter. It was so new that it was shiny and still had the price tag on its side. Glancing once more around, she set fire to the edges of his notes. They watched it burn together until she broke the silence as the flames neared his hand.
"Let go, Danny."
Feeling the heat from the flames, he released his grip on the hated pages as they turned to a charted pile of ashes.
He lifted his gaze from the trash can and up into his teacher's face.
"If anything, anything we do causes you pain, you tell me Danny." Her voice was serious. "I'm your teacher now and I've got two jobs: the first is to help you learn and the second is to keep you safe."
"Ye -es, ma'am." His voice was soft.
"Now, go play." She said smiling at him.
"Yes, ma'am." He repeated and stumbling he left to join the other children at lunch.
Later that afternoon, long after the last child had left, he stepped silently into the classroom. She was working with her head bent low grading math tests so she didn't see him until he stood directly before her.
"Danny?" She asked.
Saying nothing he laid a single tulip on her desk and then ran out the door before she could even respond.
Oh, my. She thought lifting her hand to her face.
"You haven't been smoking, have you?" Mr. Jacobs voice cut harshly into her thoughts. "It smells like something was burning."
"No. It was a project." She said shaking herself out of her stupor.
"I brought McFadden's file. If he gives you any lip send him straight to the office. He's been warned already. Don't put up with any psychobabble crap from the family. He's headstrong."
She accepted the file from her bitter co-worker. "Thanks for the advice." She said flatly as he turned to leave. Adding a silent, "Jackass," as she watched him go, secretly wishing she were brave enough to say it out loud.
***7***
"Adam!" Guthrie screamed and sprinted toward his older brother who couldn't help but smile at the towheaded four year old who leapt into his open arms.
"Hey little buckaroo!" He said hugging him close.
"There was no stopping him once he saw you." Marlene said kissing Adam's cheek. "Any word yet?"
"No. Brian's waiting up in ICU. He'll come down and get us. Dr. Esterhaus said it would be long. He wants to be very careful."
"That's good then." She rubbed Guthrie's head absently. "Come on Guthrie, lets take Adam to the cafeteria. We'll watch him eat."
"I'm not . . ." Adam began.
"Don't mistake orders for advice, Junior. Just because you are six foot two doesn't mean you scare me."
He shifted Guthrie to his left hip. "I'm six foot three, Marlene."
"Then you are even skinnier than I thought." She said and putting a hand on his arm, led him down the hall.
Adam recognized that Marlene wasn't going to let it go so he submitted to his fate, and sat at a plastic table eating a turkey sandwich while Guthrie sat on his lap sneaking his potato chips. Marlene sat across from him sipping an iced tea.
"You look tired." He observed. "Danny giving you grief?"
"I got a soft spot for Daniel. You know that. No, he's doing alright. He's much happier in his new class but he's worried and scared. They all are."
"We can't say thank you enough. You and Mike dropping everything and coming out here. Brian and I could never manage without you."
"Nonsense! You do just fine. And we've been over it. There's more to family than blood. I just can't wait until Ford's better. None of you boys are alright if one of you is sick or hurt." She sighed. "Both Danny and Evan are bunking in with Crane, and Guthrie spends his nights kicking Mike and me."
"Why do you always kick, huh?" He asked tickling his little brother who giggled and then sighed resting his head against his big brother's shoulder. Sighing, he slid two fingers into his mouth saying softly. "Adam. I missed Adam."
Setting down the half-eaten turkey sandwich, he rubbed wide circles on Guthrie's back. "I missed you too, cowboy."
"Ford is sick." Guthrie said.
"Ford is sick." Adam said resting his cheek against his brother's head. He glanced over at Marlene who wiped tears out of her eyes.
"Knock it, off, Marlene. I'm gonna start bawling and it will destroy my macho, tough-guy, cowboy image. I got at least two nurses fooled."
"Real cowboys cry." She said stubbornly.
"Not at the campfire where folks can see." He countered.
"Cowboys cry." His mother said putting a gentle hand on his shoulder.
"Not in front of people, Mama." He wiped his eyes with his sleeve, embarrassed.
"Cowboys cry at home with their woman." His father said.
"Adam!" His mother protested. "Woman?"
"Oh, now, Katie I don't mean it like that and you know it, girl." He turned to face his nine year old son. "A cowboy cries when he is safe at home with his girl. Now, you are kind of young for a girl just yet so I'll loan you mine."
"Dad said cowboys cry at home with their girl." He studied Marlene a long moment.
"I guess we better find you a girl then." She pushed the plate back in front of him. "Eat, Adam. Ford needs you strong."
***7***
Guthrie had wept buckets when Marlene took him home. The sight of their youngest brother sobbing filled Brian's heart with anguish. He glanced at his older brother who's face grew expressionless, his jaw shifting from side-to-side.
They walked together back up to the ICU waiting room with Guthrie's sobs still ringing in their ears.
"It was good to see the little brat." Brian said as they sat back in the same chairs that they'd been waiting for days.
"Yep."
Brian rose restless. "They should be done soon. It's been nearly four hours."
"Yep."
"You got lots to say, I see." Brian sarcastic tone came out harsh.
"I was thinking of when he first started walking. Remember?"
Brian's face immediately softened. "Yeah, I remember. He just couldn't stand that he couldn't keep up with Evan so he just got up and walked."
"He was so tiny." Adam looked at his brother. "How old do you think he was?"
"Maybe ten months. He was little. I remember people talked about it being surprising."
These were the little pieces of their lives that were forever lost to them. Ages and dates. First words. Things that at seventeen had never seemed important to Adam. Who cared how old your brother was when he lost his first tooth? But after the crash, Adam realized he would never know if he fussed while teething or was slow to learn to tell time. They were secrets buried with his parents.
Lost in these thoughts he was surprised to see Dr. Esterhaus step into the room with Nurse Parker following behind. She was clearly no longer working, for she was dressed in her regular clothes, and Adam didn't know whether to consider this a good or bad sign.
He moved to stand but the doctor waved him down.
"No need. Sit boys." He sat across from them. "It was what I thought. There was another abscess. We cleaned the area, and put in another drain. I was very thorough and very careful."
"And what do you think?" Brian asked with a glance at Adam.
"I will tell you what I know." Dr. Esterhaus said. "He's already improving." He smiled at the brothers. "I promised I'd do everything I could."
"You did." Adam agreed.
"He isn't out of the woods just yet, but I am really hopeful. The fact that he hasn't lost kidney function is good. We just need to give his system time to fight the infection, and then to recover. But right now, all his numbers are already improving." He smiled at them, and reaching out squeezed, Adam's knee.
"Thanks so much doctor." Adam said looking up at him. "We can't . . ." He swallowed hard. "Thank you."
"You are welcome, Adam. He's still in recovery. I'm going to go sit with him. We will let you in to see him, just as soon as we can." He rose and so did Brian and Adam, who shook his hand.
Adam turned to Nurse Parker who had watched the entire exchange. "Thank you." He said to her.
"Oh, I didn't do anything. I'm not a surgical nurse." She said.
"Thank you for sticking around." He said.
"Well, I'm going to go grab you fellas some pillows and blankets. You two crash out here. I am headed home, but I already talked to Nurse Thompkins, and she'll wake the very second Dr. Esterhaus says you are allowed to see him. I promise it."
"Thank you." Brian said. She smiled at the two of them, and went to get the blankets.
Brian stood facing Adam both of them too relieved to even speak at all. He let out a long slow exhale, and looking up was surprised to see Adam had dropped his head and was silently sobbing. Stunned, Brian gathered his older brother in his arms, locking him in a tight embrace.
"He's gonna be okay, man. I know it." He whispered. "He'll be just fine. Ford's tough as they come. You can't knock him down."
Adam's tears stopped as abruptly as they began. Stepping back from Brian he wiped his eyes, and turned away embarrassed. "He's a McFadden." He said in a voice that was thick with emotion as he turned back to face Brian. "They don't come any tougher."
"Damn straight." Brian agreed with a grin.
Twenty minutes later, Nurse Marla Parker, passed by the waiting room one last time before heading home. Glancing inside she saw that the two boys were sound asleep stretched out with their long limbs hanging over the couches they occupied. They looked horribly uncomfortable, but glancing at their faces before clicking off the light to the room, she was struck by the look of utter peace that had settled on their chiseled features. Closing the door behind her, she prayed that nothing would disturb that peace.