Chapter Ten: The Beautiful Means of Self-Destruction

…

With the clock on the wall flashing 8:17 am, Sera sighed as she cracked her neck.

Most people didn't like to work graveyard shifts, but she did not mind them at all. She didn't sleep regular hours, so it seemed only fitting to take those shifts whenever they came up. The work was relatively quiet, and she got to take a break to watch the sun rise over Arcadia Bay, which was always a nice half an hour or so to decompress.

Having spent much of her adult life roaming from city to city, she had thought she would never be able to stand a small town again. She swore up and down that she would rather be dead before she returned to one in her youth; a promise she had uttered one night drinking hard with James, who made her a promise that they'd run and never return to a population with less than a few hundred thousand people.

Now look at them: James was voluntarily living the small town life, and now that she had experienced actual physical death, she decided she'd give small towns another chance.

Honestly, she had sort of come to appreciate the charms of this sort of life. Things were quiet and went at a slower pace, which she welcomed. The people were a lot friendlier and didn't seem to know what Sera was… still technically was; and if they did, they were far too polite to care.

A rather strange development which had come up was that she had sort of made friends here at work, which was a really peculiar thing. She never had friends in the past fifteen years; just a series of people who would try to use her for the constant financial support she had coming in. She was far too strung out to care they were using her. They alleviated the loneliness to a certain extent, feeding their addictions was a small price to pay.

But no one used her here. Everyone was nice to her and patient if she messed up, which was prevalent in the first weeks. Joyce Price in particular was quick to cover her. Although she couldn't say she knew Chloe, it was obvious to see where the loyalty to Rachel had come from. She was a tired and proud woman, who Sera had come to envy for her strength.

Last night was different between them however. Joyce was waiting for her as Sera started her shift, a smile and a hot plate of pastries and tea waiting for her. Apparently Chloe had not only said she knew her, but that she had been saved by her from Damon Merrick's pissed off goons. It wasn't true, but she was not about to say anything otherwise. Chloe probably had to lie when Joyce got too close to the truth.

So, when the doors to the Two Whales opened and in swaggered Chloe Price like she owned the place, Sera was not surprised in the slightest. Well, perhaps she was a little surprised by her presence. Any self-respecting teenager would not be caught dead awake at eight in the morning, and yet here she was.

Chloe scanned the room and as soon as she noticed Sera she stepped over causally, her hands in her pockets, her bracelet still dangling there like it was a fixture to her now. It was a stark reminder who how attached the two girls were. Sera found herself tempted to look out the windows to see if Rachel was out in the truck, but she remembered her place and merely issued the tall girl a warm smile as she slumped down in the stool next to her.

"Hello Chloe," Sera broke the silence first. "How are you?"

Chloe sort of grinned.

"Fine, fine…" Chloe half-hearted said as she dug into her pocket. She pulled out a handful of change and a crumpled bill and slapped it on the counter.

"So, random question, I got five dollars and thirty-two cents and I need to feed two people," Chloe continued, much more lively as she turned to face Sera. "I mean, I can't promise Rachel is gonna get to eat, but I'll try to be considerate; do you have any ideas?"

Shaking her head slightly, Sera reached over the counter to retrieve a menu and placed it down in front of Chloe.

"Save your money. Pick and choose…" she answered the girl. "That is, so long as you do feed Rachel."

Chloe's face brightened up like she had hit a jackpot. She pocketed her money and grabbed the menu.

"That's fucking cool, thanks Sera! In that case, Rachel gets to eat!" Chloe spoke happily. "Mom doesn't let me use hers often; something about running the Diner out of business or some shit."

Sera smiled, she somehow doubted that Joyce wasn't far off from the truth. She remained silent, watching as Chloe took her obvious bribe unquestioningly as she scanned the menu and listed off a variety of waffles, pancakes, eggs and bacon to go from the morning server, Erin.

Standing up, Sera reached out, her hand pressing on Chloe's shoulder. It caught the girl's attention. She gestured to the open corner booth. It was probably better for the two of them to speak with some measure of privacy. Chloe nodded and slid off of her stool and followed Sera's lead.

"So get this," Chloe spoke as she slumped down into the booth as Sera stepped out of her way. "Yesterday, I'm minding my own business when I find out my Mom had her arm gently twisted into hiring you from James… why would you ever work this place?"

Sera didn't answer her right away. She ignored the slight tingeing of anger she felt that the teenager was deriding the place that was keeping a roof over head. That feeling actually made her pause… usually she thought she was cooler than that.

Perhaps this was what maturity felt like…

"Not too many people are willing to hire people with drug possession charges and lack of steady legitimate work," Sera answered finally, her fingers lacing together as she glanced out the window. "I kind of like it… it gives me some sort of direction… like there is purpose outside of reclaiming everything I threw out."

Sera softened her slight frown back into a careful smile. She wanted nothing more than to ask the girl where Rachel was, if she was here. She could feel her anxiety growing for an answer, the little black tar stain calling her back into a relapse as she watched Chloe drum on her lap and look away.

Damn it. She needed a cigarette badly.

"I suspected it would not be long now before I would run into you here," Sera broke the silence deciding the conversation was a distraction she needed right now. "It's… good that you did not bring Rachel. As much as it would have been nice, I would rather honour any agreements I'm holding myself to."

She paused and examined the girl. Chloe seemed somewhat despondent, like she was gearing up to lay into Sera with a series of uncomfortable questions that Rachel would be the ones asking. So this was how it was. Chloe was serving as a proxy to her daughter. They had thought her to be completely subservient to the girls simply because of how much she had fucked up.

Perhaps it was time to turn it on its head… Show Chloe where the fire actually came from… just a bit… even if it was just embers, so utterly overshadowed by her child.

"For a month now I've been answering a lot of questions, and I have accepted that Rachel would have this level of curiosity," Sera spoke up before Chloe, her eyes unblinking as she stared at the girl. "I have torn old wounds open just to explain myself and I am willing to do it again and again and again until Rachel and I are on the same page. I do not expect you to understand the misery this has been for me, but I do hope you can understand why I will not fall into your trap."

She remained stone faced as Chloe processed the fact that she was no longer the spider. She was the fly in the web.

"That's not to say we cannot talk, because I have a lot of things I've want to ask my daughter… and I see now that it might be better to ask you things instead," Sera pressed forward slowly, meticulously. "There is much I need to say to you, and I don't have to restrain myself quite as much around you, now do I?"

""You consider her your daughter?" Chloe blurted out. "Even after everything, you still think that?"

Sera felt her heart lurch as an almost insurmountable anger rose into her chest. Exhaling unsteadily through her nose, she leaned forward, her hands gripping the edge of the table as she glared at the noticeably shrinking child who had just realized how terribly she had just fucked up.

"Because she is my daughter; I carried that girl in my womb for nine months, and endured every bodily horror that came with it. The joy of pregnancy is a lie. It's a horror show, and I put myself through that so you can have her, just like your mother did so Rachel could have you…" Sera growled lowly, an undercurrent to her cold tone. "I know Rachel will never call me her Mom, and I do not contest that I will ever replace Rose Amber, but I do get to have some sort of claim in her. Even if the connection is only through blood, I will take it. If she is uncomfortable with me calling her that, I will live with that, but I will call her my daughter on my own time and since here you are intruding on my time I won't let you question that. Understood?"

Sera blinked and pried her head back to look at the officially submissive Chloe Price.

She hadn't meant to get that bitchy, but she had so little left in her life, that even the slightest attack on her validity was grounds to burn down everything. It was what nearly led to the huge blow up between James and her before James came back to the table in a more conciliatory mood.

While it was sort of reasonable for James and her to fight like this, her reaction to a 16 year old girl ignorantly pushing her buttons was not. She had done too far.

Chloe was right…she was not exactly a mother in any sense of the word.

"I'm sorry, Sera... I worded that wrong. I got a big fucking mouth and it gets me into trouble," she heard Chloe speak guardedly, as though she was prepared to go to war like her, but was making a last ditch effort to reconcile. "It's just… you seem so aloof with her… like you're keeping a distance."

Sera couldn't look her in the eye. This had been a humiliating moment for her. She should have been better than this. She had no business snapping at the child sitting across from her.

"Because I am keeping a distance," Sera spoke, keeping her eyes fixed on her lap. "Not just out of respect for Rose, but because I'm living in constant fear that Rachel will stop wanting to see me, or that James will just shut down the meetings. A month of this doesn't even begin to put a dent in what I had done."

She heard Chloe snort derisively.

"He wouldn't do that," Chloe reminded her. "Rachel and James aren't okay, and she would have his head if he did something like that."

Sera emitted a humourless chuckle. As much as Rachel resented her, she still in-explicitly resented James even more. She had been gently approaching the subject, but Rachel would shut her down every time. She either had to hammer it hard, or just let Rachel come around to the conclusion on her own. Sera was leaning more towards the former.

"I know… and I'm sorry as well for my anger," Sera replied, finding the courage to face the girl again. "I was a teenager once, I sometimes forget that teenagers have deep thoughts, and strong opinions... but have a lack the words to articulate them..."

The two of them remained silent looking at each other. Sera watched as Chloe struggled to remain straight faced. She failed and broke down into laughter. Sera chuckled along and leaned back into her seat. It was nice to get along with Chloe…

…even if it was obvious this girl wanted to fuck her daughter into the ground…

She wondered just how was it James could handle that thought in the back of his mind. He was very close to Chloe beyond the excuse of working with Chloe Price to keep Rachel safe. He seemed to hold a genuine affection for her. Contrast that affection with the fact that these days Rachel and Chloe always seemed to have matching love bites in obvious (and possible unobvious) places. They hadn't stepped their relationship up, however. She was a shitty Mother, but she knew when people were sleeping together.

When she brought this quasi relationship up to James and Rose, they had both been talking about it and had decided the Chloe would need to have The Talk, but only until they made things official. They didn't want to freak out Rachel's best friend; and now that Sera had found a place into Rachel's life, it was decided by Rose and James to include it. A 'triumvirate of concerned parents' to handle this as Rose called it, to which James looked amused and so Sera had to nod and look that word up on her phone while they were not looking.

She really should have went to school… or at least took the school did go to more seriously.

"I would not be stretching much in assuming that you and Rachel are together," Sera asked delicately, her hands folding back together on the table top.

She took in the sight of Chloe tingeing a dark red at the statement she had made. It was rather sweet to see the girl, who had come across as shamelessly brave get this flustered at the merest hint that the secret Rachel and her were trying to keep from her was not a secret at all.

"We're… friends…" was all Chloe could get out.

Sera lips slowly formed into a smile.

"Sure, friends like James and I were friends at your age…" Sera softly teased the girl who was shifting uncomfortably in her seat. "Unless Rachel more or less High School proposing to you in front of the school is a new millennial thing to do… and yes, I was there."

Chloe's mouth was slightly unhinged as she realized Sera had seen the production that veered way off course at Rachel's design. Although she was a little stiff up there, Sera thought that Chloe had done well, and that her improvisation in the face of Rachel's unpredictability was quite a talent in itself.

"That was… Rachel, just being Rachel…I think…"Chloe attempted to explain away. "We've sort of talked about it every so often. We decided to see if we're capable of being friends before we started… something else."

Sera exhaled and nodded. Starting a heterosexual relationship was difficult by itself. She could only imagine the challenge it must have faced for both girls to take that final sort of plunge. Even voicing their feelings must have taken no small amount of courage to admit feeling something as overwhelming as love to someone of the same gender. She also didn't know how friendly their peers would be towards it. Even a whiff of homosexuality back in her high school days warranted a swift 'corrective' beating.

That was just how it went in her youth… but things changed… perhaps it would be better. Besides, if Rachel had to deal with anyone, at least she would have a girlfriend right next to her to provide support and the occasional as kicking… defensive as kicking.

Falling in love ultimately required unbelievable amount of courage regardless of who it was… and sometimes all that was needed was a gentle outside push in the right direction; and maybe Sera was the right person to do that.

"And now you're friends…" Sera inched her plot forward. "…Isn't it about time to be a little brave for her?"

She watched, hiding her own satisfaction as her words hit the mark and Chloe Price pushed herself back into her seat small grin crossing on her face as though she had just had an epiphany. As soon as the grin appeared, it had vanished back into a pensive expression as she turned back to look at Sera again.

"You're… okay with it?" she asked, a note of disbelief in her voice.

Offering the girl an encouraging smile, Sera nodded firmly. She had no say or right even to interfere in the affairs that were solely Chloe and Rachel's, but if the girl wanted reassurances that there would be no interference on her part, then God knows she deserved it.

Chloe smiled, but it was still… off. Like there were still many unspoken fears she held about this.

"It's just… James is really fucking weird about it," she murmured as she pressed her back into the seat again. "He's cool with me at least for now… but it's like he's okay with her and me in principal, but you just know he's not…"

She trailed off, allowing Sera to absorb the inference she was making. There was a strange feeling brewing some where in her. Like…she had to defend James from a child who didn't really mean to harm his character. It was a very peculiar thing.

"As far as I can tell, that isn't a homophobia thing if that is what you're implying," Sera answered Chloe's unspoken accusation. "Consider for a moment that his only daughter is attracted to someone and he's a father. Of course he's going to be weird about it… especially when he genuinely likes you."

That caught Chloe Price off guard. She stared at Sera stupidly and just sort of blinked.

"…he does?" she said incredulously. "Rachel figures he's… investing in me. I don't know what I should believe. He's… great, but I don't know if I should trust him."

Staring at the girl for a moment, Sera stood up from her seat and slid into the same booth as Chloe. She didn't want to be overheard before, and now she definitely didn't want to be overheard.

"Rachel's anger makes her assume the worst in him," she started. "When James looks at you, he's looking into a mirror into his past. He sees the exact same doubts and uncertainties in you that he had himself, and more dangerously, the passion you have."

Sera emitted a small hallowed out laugh.

"James was…" She paused, and shook her head. "Oh god, James was so passionate about everything; especially for those he loves. You can see it in his love for Rachel and Rose. That… desire to protect what is his."

"And you," Chloe pointed out.

Staring at the girl next to her, Sera nodded curtly.

"And me…" she amended. "James and I… for a while we were great together - Ying and Yang – I think I loved him the moment I first laid eyes on that… that total dork. He had such big plans, he wanted to take that passion and idealism and do his part to save the planet: environmental lobbying work, endangered species protection, the whole nine yards. He was convinced he was going to change the world."

The smile which had formed on her face caused by the wave of nostalgia died.

"All those years we were together, he showed me nothing but unconditional love and devotion…" Sera spoke slowly in a slight daze. "And… and… God it was never enough, and to this day I'm… I'm still trying to find an answer to give him about why it wasn't."

She looked away from Chloe. She was far too ashamed as she pushed her hand through her hair.

"I wish… I wish Rachel could understand the amount of pain and suffering James went through to destroy his love for me in order to protect her. We were each other's worlds for such a long time," she continued, staring down at the table. "He didn't lie to hurt her. He hid the truth because pretending I didn't exist was the only way to protect his heart. If he didn't do that, he probably would be a far more distant man to her. His heart mended. He fell in love again, and for fifteen years Rachel has had a father who may have to work too much, but ultimately loves her before everything else… a family even."

Sera paused only long enough to breathe and reorganize her thoughts. Everything was so fuzzy; she could feel the little black tar stain in the back of her mind calling yet again.

"But it came at a sacrifice: his passion for the outside world. He's tired and jaded and doesn't put his trust or faith in others easily as he once did," Sera continued, struggling to maintain her tone from collapsing into a raspy weep. "He had to cut everything else he loved out to protect Rachel from what I was… and that's how I destroyed him. I ruined him right to his core, and I have to live with the fact that I killed the beautiful soul of a man I absolutely adored… adore."

Sera ceased speaking and collapsed back into a self-loathing induced silence, staring off as she returned to an old familiar place.

This time, however, was different. The only thing that kept her steady, kept her from going back was the tentative hand of Chloe Price pressing onto her shoulder. She looked over to the girl and smiled slightly. She was a sweetheart.

She was a sweetheart, and she needed to be saved from herself.

"My point is, is that you look the part of a tough girl, and sometimes you act it, and that was James too…" she continued, finally gentle Chloe's gentle gaze. "And just like James, you wear your heart in the open for Rachel... and that sort unselfish love someone else is a beautiful means of self-destruction."

Chloe squinted at her, her hand dropping off Sera's shoulder.

"You want me to protect myself from Rachel, like she's dangerous like you were?" she asked the older woman disbelievingly.

Sera shook her head, daring to reach out and take her hand.

"No Chloe, I want you to protect yourself because you have just as much right to put yourself first as you do for Rachel," she murmured back to the teenager. "You can't… keep living like this; with this gaping wound your father left behind…"

Sera watched as the girl recoiled, but Sera clutched onto her hand still. Chloe seemed surprised, but it didn't take much to put everything together. Well… all it took was overhearing a call to her boyfriend, and a question levelled to James to get a clear picture.

Chloe's face contorted out of shock and into anger. She wrenched her hand away from Sera and stood up. Sera stood as well and moved out of her way. She did not want to cause a scene.

"Only warning: don't talk about my dad like that," Chloe growled under her breath.

The older woman nodded. She had taken it a step farther then she should have; but at least the cards were on the table. At least Chloe would have something to think about and perhaps she would learn from the mistakes made by both James and herself.

Perhaps Rachel and she could survive…

"I am sorry. My only intention was to warn you… and not to offend," Sera attempted to elaborate for the fuming Price girl. "If you can't let the past go, you may never find peace and happiness, and I believe that you deserve that after all you've done for my daughter."

Sera paused and exhaled.

"I don't want you to be a different version of me…trapped by a past which determines the future," she finished, somewhat exhausted by this ordeal of a conversation.

Chloe stood there silent as she seemed to be in the midst of judging her friend's biological mother. She glanced at the counter and noticed the several Styrofoam food containers waiting for her. Sera nodded to them, and with that Chloe turned and gathered them under her arm and turned back.

"Thanks..." she murmured. "For the breakfast… and what you said."

Sera nodded and allowed a thin smile for the girl.

"I would be grateful if you kept all that to yourself. It's something I need to explain to her first hand…" she gently requested. "But please Chloe, could you tell Rachel I say hello?"

Chloe hesitated for a moment before she nodded as well. With a wave she turned around and started her journey towards the exit. But then she stopped as though she as conflicted.

Slowly, Chloe rounded back to face Sera again and joined her again.

"Look, Sera…" Chloe spoke, her voice almost guilty. "She'll never say this out loud, but she does call you 'Mom'. She won't say it to you, or Rose or James, but she does when we're together... and it's obvious to me that she trying to love you."

Sera could only blink. Rachel called her Mom?

She wished she had something to say, something she could do, but she could only stand there and watch her future daughter-in-law rub her neck like she was questioning whether or not it was right to say it.

"I'm not betraying her trust lightly," she murmured. "I just... thought you should know."

Sera smiled brightly, her hand rubbing the back of her neck as she struggled to continue the foreign sensation of joy washing over her. Rachel called her Mom. Her daughter called her Mom.

Still processing this new reality, Sera nodded firmly.

"I'll keep it to myself," she assured the girl. "Thank you Chloe… you cannot know how much this means to me."

"I don't, but I know it has to be hard," Chloe returned as she backed away from the elated mother. "Don't… you know…give up, will you?"

Through her watery eyes, Sera shook her head.

"Never," She swore.

Sharing one final look, Chloe left, leaving Sera to process the news and not break down into happy tears in front of the customers and her co-workers.

…

…

Chapter went through a couple rewrites which caused a small delay. I hope you like. Next chapter will take a bit longer (Possibly. I don't know)

Next Chapter: Rachel and Chloe test a theory.