Let's talk about the friend-zone.

It's dreaded, it's feared, it's whispered about in the back of crowded rooms: the infamous friend-zone. Basically, the so-called "friend-zone" is the mythical world of non-dating a guy goes to when he is rejected ("friend-zoned") by a female acquaintance.

But don't complain too much; girls can be stuck there too.

Being friend-zoned, well, sucks.

But what can you do to escape before the portal back to the real world closes? (Metaphorically, of course. If you are actually trapped in another world, you should be consulting our other guide, How to Survive in a Parallel Dimension.)

Well, for starters, you have to give your friend space. If you constantly bug her about dating, she will find it annoying and start to distance herself from you as a friend.

Show her what a great guy you are: behave yourself, be kind to others (especially other girls, small children, and baby animals), and wait for her.

This doesn't mean you have to become a priest, but tone down relationships/flings around her so you seem available, but with a "limited time offer" aura.

With any luck, she'll come to her senses and realize all you have to offer, giving you happiness and a girlfriend who already knows your faults and loves you for them.

(Just remember not to act on her declaration of love while you are dating another girl, as she will likely look down on you for cheating.)

So go out there and find your portal!

Chapter Ten

I didn't see Steph for the rest of the day. I was even late for 6th hour Chem because I waited at her locker for her to show, but she never did. I got to The B, thinking she would be there, but I only saw Becca.

She was late.

Sixteen minutes and forty three seconds late, to be exact.

She seemed a little confused, but she slid into the backseat behind Becca without an explanation or an apology. I started driving.

"Did you have a good day, Steph?" I asked in what I thought was a meaningful tone.

Apparently, it wasn't meaningful enough, as Steph started rambling about the talent auction thing. "The whole auction is coming together so well! I got Todd and Darlene and Mark and Lauren to sign up, which is like most of the A-crowd, so we'll make tons of money on them alone. And, oh, this is really funny, when Lauren signed up I wanted to laugh because she just wrote down 'whatever' under talent, which is probably good because not many people would pay to see Lauren kiss—"

I tuned out after awhile and focused on driving. It'll be fine, I thought desperately to myself. She's going to go home, and have an A-crowd detox, and by the time she comes over to my house she'll be normal. She has to be.

"Jason. Señor Hollenbach. Earth to Hawkface." Steph was trying to get my attention.

I grunted in acknowledgement.

"Geez, what's up with you today? Anyway, I was saying how you and Becca could totally sign up for the auction!"

What was up with me? What was up with her?

"Jason, you could give golf lessons. People would love it," she continued, cheerfully. "Or you could offer them tours of the observatory. And, Becca, you could hold private scrapbooking seminars."

"No. Freaking. Way," I answered. "No way is Mark Finley going to Kings Island thanks to me. He has to earn it through his own modeling career you started for him, Steph." I was hoping she would pick up on my scathing tone.

I could see Becca shaking her head, looking nervous, out of the corner of my eye. "Oh, no way. I'm not good enough for that. Besides, I don't think my parents would let me, you know. Be auctioned."

"You're not being auctioned. Your talent is," Steph explained.

Becca shook her head again. I rolled my eyes and continued driving home. I dropped Becca first, and then Steph. "You're coming over later, right?"

"Yeah, why not?" she said absentmindedly, grabbing her bag and leaving. She yelled, "See ya!" and waved before walking up on her porch and going inside.

I got back to my house and headed straight up to my room. Or at least, I tried to. My mom and Grandma were in my old room, and they both stuck their heads out the door and yelled "JASON!" when I walked by.

Two screaming women…never a good sign.

I sighed and turned around. "What?" I mock-screamed in reply.

"Get in here, please," my mom called.

I jammed my hands in my pockets and loped into the room. "Yeah?"

"Tux fitting with the Landrys in an hour."

"How do I look?" My grandma was in her wedding dress, twirling.

I shrugged. "Fine…?"

My mom glared at me. "Jason Benjamin Hollenbach, you tell your grandmother she looks beautiful!"

I backed up slowly. "You look beautiful, Grandma!" She didn't look bad, or anything. It was just weird seeing her in the dress.

Grandma looked dejected. "Is it the dress? I knew I should have gone more Audrey Hepburn, less Princess Diana."

"The dress is fine. White. Very wedding-y."

"Jason…," my mother said in a warning tone.

"What? I'm a guy. Ask Steph's opinion when she comes over." I pinched the bridge of my nose. "I need to change."

"Alright, dear," Grandma said amicably. "Can you call Steph and tell her to bring her siblings when she comes over?"

I really didn't want to talk to Steph right then. "Mucho homework, gotta work. Sorry," I said before practically dashing out of the room.

I didn't have any homework. It was the first day, how could I? I just needed time to reread The Book to see if there was a section on sudden insanity.

Forty-two minutes later, I concluded that no, it did not.

Laughing and talking voices had been echoing up my hallway for a while. Steph and Pete and Robbie and Catie were here. I decided to grab a bowl of cereal and make an appearance.

We were out of good kinds, so I settled for Honey Nut Cheerios and headed back into my old room. I passed Pete and Robbie in the hallway. They had obviously just been given the okay to change, because they were both half-stripping as they made their way to the bathroom.

Pete stopped when he saw me. He elbowed Robbie and said, "Hey, J-man," in a deep voice.

"Keep trying, man, your voice will change someday," I laughed. He looked down and kept walking, dragging Robbie along behind him.

In the room, Steph and Catie were trying on their matching dresses.

Steph looked absolutely beautiful. She was in her princess dress, which was low (but not too low) cut. The shade of pink made her look like Ariel, her favorite Disney princess, and her hair was starting to frizz.

She was my Steph. And she was perfect.

"…speaking of Jason, where IS that boy? We have to make sure his tuxedo fits, too," Grandma was saying as I walked in.

"Here I am, Grandma," I replied. I would have waved, but I was still holding my cereal bowl. I was glad about that, though. It gave me something to do with my hands so they weren't awkwardly just hanging at my sides.

Grandma sighed. "Oh, Jason. What's your mother going to say when your supper's spoiled?" she teased.

I gave my normal response: "I'll be hungry again by dinnertime."

"Must be nice, right, Stephanie? To be able to eat like a horse and never gain an ounce?" she called to Steph with a wink.

Steph opened her mouth to shoot back with her usual snarky comment (probably something about me looking like one too), but she shook her head a little and didn't say anything.

Grandma held out a garment bag. "You—out. Change in the bathroom."

"Your wish is my command," I said, scooping it up and following her orders.

When I returned (still eating my Cheerios), I struck a superhero pose as a joke. Grandma rolled her eyes, but Steph looked at me with wide eyes and sucked in a breath through her teeth.

That must be what the book meant about showing a girl friend what you have to offer.

One step closer to getting Steph.