Chapter Ten
Sleep had become an irregular thing, something that came and went over the years and something that she was used to. Pair it with letting down all her walls, letting everything out she held inside of her for so long, it had her thinking all night long and she couldn't get the thoughts to stop.
Faith found herself alone in the kitchen just before four in the morning, waiting for the coffee to brew in the coffeemaker that rarely worked right the first time. All her thoughts were centered around Buffy more so than the situation they were in with Azri'el. It angered her in ways she felt she was fighting an emotional storm inside of her, fighting those thoughts, Buffy betraying all of them for her own selfish reasons and fighting with the fact that despite it all, she still felt the way that she did. Nothing ever changed that.
She thought about Amelia, the first of their team in Cleveland to have been killed because of Azri'el. If Buffy had told them weeks ago what had happened to her, what they knew, Faith was almost positive they could've stopped all of it and saved a few lives along the way. Then again, when she thought about it, maybe Buffy had been somehow brainwashed by Azri'el when he posed himself as Sebastian to her.
"Always finding excuses," she muttered under her breath, watching at the last few drops fell into the carafe. "Doesn't matter what she does, what she says or doesn't say, they all still fall loyally in line at her side, just like always."
Faith laughed at herself, hearing the words out loud instead of just in her head. The voice was the same, the tone still bitter while lingering that fine line of hate and something else. Definitely not love when those thoughts crossed her mind.
All night, even after she retreated to her room and tuned out the laughter of the others watching crappy movies on that old black and white TV, her mind just kept on replaying everything she had told Willow. She'd always been overly emotional, but for the longest time she had herself under control, she was able to just lock those emotions away in the back of her mind, shutting them out whenever they started to surface. Losing her slayer essence had changed her in far more ways than she could recall. It made her vulnerable in ways she didn't want to be.
A month ago things had been different. Buffy rarely crossed her mind. She was out patrolling, and even though it'd been slowing down over the months, she still craved just coming across just one vamp, one demon, hell some nights she just wanted to find a zompire and go ten rounds with it just because she could. She loved slaying, she loved being a slayer. It had defined her, gave her a purpose in life. Having that stripped from her returned her to being that unsure, vulnerable woman, with zero confidence and regretting every single choice she made.
A month ago she was living what she knew was an easy life and she had people in her life who loved her and wanted her in theirs. She had Willow and no matter how many times she thought about their friendship and valued every moment of it, sometimes it just didn't feel like it was real, like she deserved it. She spent all night thinking about why those thoughts kept crossing her mind. Eventually she came up with the answer that left even more questions unanswered. She finally had almost everything she ever wanted and when things started going wrong, she did what she did best, questioned it.
And she'd spent all night thinking about how much she'd really, truly changed and most of those changes had occurred so naturally and with ease that she didn't notice any of them until she started putting the last couple years of her life under her self-judging microscope that started to overanalyze absolutely everything she'd ever said, done, even thought about.
"Just gotta stop thinking about everything, stop feeling so goddamn much," she said to herself as she took her coffee out with her onto the back porch. "Fuck, it's freezing."
"It's December," Angel said from where he stood at the far end of the back porch. "It's supposed to be cold."
"Sure. Couldn't have gone somewhere warm like I don't know, Jamaica or something? At least we'd be hiding out and not freezing our asses off."
"Not a choice place for me. Bit too sunny."
"Right."
"It's early, even for you," Angel said as Faith joined him. "Couldn't or didn't sleep?"
"Didn't."
"Any reason why?"
"Too much going on up here," Faith replied, tapping the side of her head before she wrapped both her hands around her warm cup of coffee. "Not up for talking about it either, big guy, just came out here to have a smoke and a coffee."
"You know where to find me if you need to talk."
"What's the plan for today?"
"Same as it's been every day. We're going to hit the books. Nelly has found more in the attic that might be of some help."
Faith sighed and stared down into her mug. The hot coffee was cooling in the cold morning air, steam rising from her mug quickly. "More research and yet we still seem to be nowhere further than we were when we got here. Feels like we keep going in circles."
"Willow didn't mention it to you?"
"Mention what?"
"One of the spells, a small one. Completely harmless," Angel replied. "She's going to try to cast it today with Nelly's help."
"Never mentioned it."
Angel didn't say anything and instead he sat down on the old wooden bench. Faith sat down next to him and shivered, finding it nearly impossible to get used to the chill in the air.
"What kind of spell is it?"
"It's in that book we retrieved from Kraal. I'm not sure what it does exactly, some kind of levitation spell," Angel replied with a shrug. "Small and harmless. There's no guarantee that it'll work."
"Sounds exciting," Faith said, rolling her eyes. "But what if it does work? They gonna try something else after that?"
"What's left of the energy from the Seed isn't much and what we know is that Azri'el has harnessed some of it, if not all of it for his own personal uses. If it does work, it might just be that one time, by a stroke of luck. We still need to be careful. Magic no longer replenishes the way it once did. There is no source from where it comes and goes anymore."
"You think all hope is lost that things are gonna go back to the way they used to be?"
"With magic?"
"Any of it," Faith replied. "With magic and us slayers getting our essence back. I know that things could hit the fan if magic came back at full force. Would give the bad guys a chance to grow their numbers and pretty much wipe out any progress we'd made in the last few years."
"There's always a chance, Faith, just don't put all your hope into things going back to the way they used to always be. Once the world has changed, it's hard to go back to the way it once was. History repeats itself, mortal history, but the rest? What most normal human beings never see or know about, it very rarely repeats itself."
"Except now with Azri'el. He's working for the First, finishing what It had started back in Sunnydale, only it's not quite the same thing."
"The First Evil will always be there. Unless It were to take corporeal form, there will never be a way for It to be destroyed. All we can do is hope to set It back, keep whatever It has planned from actually happening. It's been done once. It's entirely possible that it can be done again."
Faith frowned, but yet she knew that already. They all knew that there was no way they would ever completely destroy the First. They stopped It once, but there was no guarantee they'd be able to do that again. They had magic on their side then, slayers new and old, and a Champion that was responsible for the Hellmouth collapsing in on itself, taking Sunnydale with it.
She couldn't bring herself to say that to Angel though. She had to try to find that same kind of hope he seemed to be clinging to, the same one the others seemed to have too. They would win again and it wasn't going to happen overnight. It was going to be a long, hard fight and she knew there would be others that would fall along the way, forever branded heroes for fighting the good fight until the end.
They sat in their usual peaceful silence together for a little while until just a few minutes before the first rays of sunlight began to break over the horizon. Angel headed inside and Faith followed a minute later. Although it was still very early, Willow was already up and in the kitchen, her back to Faith as she filled the kettle and placed it on the stove. She spun around and smiled at Faith and just from one glance at her, Faith could tell that she was in a ridiculously good mood that morning.
"Good morning!" Willow smiled and she turned back to the stove briefly and turned the burner on. "You're up early, Faith."
"Didn't sleep yet."
Willow frowned. "Oh. I can make you a cup of tea that's guaranteed to give you four hours of uninterrupted sleep. Nelly showed me the recipe. It's an old family secret with natural herbs and things like that."
"No, it's okay. Figure my body will realize it needs to sleep and shut down my brain long enough to let me."
"Too much thinking?" Willow asked and she frowned again. "Faith, is this over what you told me last night?"
"Not really," Faith sighed and she crossed her arms over her chest. "You're gonna try to use magic today?"
"Try being the key word, but it's not a huge spell. It's a small one. It's kind of like a levitation spell, but very different from how I'm used to using it," Willow replied quickly and she shook her head. "If we can harness just a little bit of what magic is left, we can figure out how we can get it to replenish itself. Doing one little spell, one that's completely harmless, could really help us right now and instead of going two steps backwards-"
"We're gonna take a step forward?"
"Or several. Either way, we have to try something, Faith. We're getting nowhere and research is turning up a lot of dead ends and we end up right back where we started. This spell could change everything, open a whole new world of possibilities and it could help us."
"All from levitating a frigging pencil?"
"Not a pencil," Willow laughed. "Uh, whoever volunteers to be the little levitation guinea pig."
"Don't look at me."
"It has to be a living thing. All living things have an energy source and in order for the spell to work-"
"Got it, but I still ain't volunteering for that."
"It's okay, I didn't expect you to want anything to do with that spell," Willow replied and she offered a small smile. "But you are going to be there, right?"
"Sure. Wouldn't miss it," Faith said, managing a small smile right back. "Do you think it's going to work, Wil?"
"We won't know until we try. We have to try, don't we?"
"Got nothing left to lose either way."
Everyone gathered in the dining room, the heavy drapes drawn to shut out the bright afternoon sunlight. Faith leaned up against the door frame, arms crossed over her chest as she watched Willow and Nelly place a few supplies and herbs on the big wooden table. No matter what she did, Faith couldn't stop looking over at Buffy as she stood beside Dawn on the other side of the room.
"Is anyone going to volunteer?" Nelly asked, breaking the heavy silence in the room.
"I will," Andrew said, stepping up towards the table. "I volunteer."
"You understand it may or may not work?" Nelly asked him and Andrew nodded, slipping off his blazer jacket and made such a dramatic show of folding it and draping it over the closest chair. "Up on the table then, boy."
"Do I sit or lay?" Andrew asked.
"Uh," Willow sighed and shrugged as she and Nelly exchanged a look. "Whatever is more comfortable for you. I don't think it matters."
Andrew laid down on the table and closed his eyes. Faith couldn't stop the laugh that escaped and Angel stood next to her, smirking slightly as well. Angel moved to stand near Wood, just a few feet away from Faith. Everyone was standing all around the room, waiting for Willow and Nelly to start the spell. The only one missing was Colin, but Faith could hear the footsteps running down the hallway and he breezed past her, carrying a few candles.
Faith sighed loudly, watching as they set up. One by one they lit the half a dozen candles they placed around Andrew's body. Willow had the book near her and she was reading it out loud quietly, instructing Nelly to place certain herbs in the small metal bowl in a specific order.
They began chanting in Latin, Faith was sure it was Latin and she felt a chill run through her as they spoke louder. The flames on the candles rose and then nearly died out before returning to normal. And then she felt weightless, her body rising from where she stood and she grabbed at the frame of the door, eyes wide.
"Uh Wil?" Faith said shakily. "It's working."
"Willow!" Dawn yelled out and it brought Faith's attention over to Buffy. She too was levitating off the floor, Dawn holding on to her leg to keep her from rising further.
Willow dumped the bowl of the herbs and both Buffy and Faith fell to the floor. Andrew sat up, confused as he looked around at the others in the room. Faith's heart was pounding and she tried to stay calm.
"What the hell just happened?" Faith asked as Willow rushed over to her side. "Thought it was supposed to work on Andrew?"
"I-I don't know what happened," Willow whispered and they both looked over at Buffy as she was surrounded by Dawn, Xander, Andrew and Kennedy. "It was focused on the one in the circle of light. I followed everything the book said."
Faith ran a shaky hand through her hair. "Why me? And Buffy?"
"Faith-"
"I knew being in here wasn't gonna be such a good idea."
"No," Willow said, shaking her head. "It worked, Faith. It just didn't work on Andrew."
Faith could see the thoughts racing through Willow's mind. She was already trying to figure out why the spell had worked on Buffy and Faith, why even after having Andrew enclosed the in circle of light didn't contain the magic within it, raising only him off the table. Faith's thoughts were racing too, but she couldn't pick out one from the other. The feeling of that magic in her body, lifting her from the floor, it created an intense buzz that was fading slowly.
"Nelly?" Willow said as he walked over towards them with Colin at his side. "Do you have any theories on why it worked, but only on Faith and Buffy?"
"I have one theory," he replied and he looked at Faith. "The spell relies on energy, mystical energy. That boy does not have the energy the spell had required, but you, Faith, you have that mystical energy as does that one," he said and he hooked a thumb over in Buffy's direction. "Rupert told me that you two were the last slayers called in the old way. Perhaps that is why."
"Huh?" Faith asked. "What are you getting at here?"
"You two are the last of the original slayers," Nelly replied. "The others? The essence of the slayer had been inside of them, but it was given to them by magic, not by natural means when one slayer died, the next would be called. You two are the last to have been chosen the way it had always been intended. There is a strong presence of mystical energy still inside of you, far stronger than anyone could have imagined. It's a source that is burned in your soul, one that Azri'el could never take from you."
"It only worked because they were close enough to the circle for the spell to work," Willow said and Nelly nodded. "It wouldn't have worked if just one of you were here."
"Correct, Willow," Nelly said, smiling a little. "This changes everything we've been working on since you arrived here. Why hadn't I thought of this before?"
"Are you saying that we still have some of our slayer essence inside of us?" Buffy asked as she and the others approached them. "That's not possible. I would feel it if there was still just a tiny part left over."
"It's likely not part of the slayer essence itself," Nelly said and he scratched his balding head. "There is no way we will know for certain. The only way would be to try the spell again, to see if it'll work with the two of you. We'll try again, with only one of you and from there, hopefully we'll have some answers."
"Hell no," Faith said, crossing her arms over her chest. "There's no way I'm playing magical guinea pig with you people!"
"Faith-"
"I'll do it," Buffy said quietly. "It's something that needs to be done. Faith," she turned to her and frowned a little. "It's just a little magic. We need to figure out how to go forward if we want to stop Azri'el and fix this. Don't you want this whole thing to end so we can all go back to our own lives?"
Faith scoffed. "Of course I want this to end. But I'm not-"
"Faith," Angel said gently and he placed a hand on her shoulder. "Let them try. Nobody expected that spell to work, but it did and we need to figure out why and we need to know if it just wasn't a one time deal, a one in a million chance that it worked just once."
"Are we gonna do this right now or what?" Faith said, sighing as she slinked back away from the group and the eyes that were on her, waiting for her to give her okay. "Cos I might need a few minutes to think about this."
"Take a few minutes," Willow said gently. "We have to get fresh ingredients anyway."
Faith took that as her cue to exit and she hurried out to the front door. She grabbed her jacket and slid it on as she walked out of the house. Fumbling through her pockets, she pulled out her worn cigarette pack. She sat on the top step and lit one with a shakily unsteady hand. She closed her eyes when she heard the front door open right as she slid her lighter back into her pocket.
"When I said I needed a few minutes to think about this, I meant alone," she said through gritted teeth.
"You're scared," Buffy said plainly and she sat down on the step near her. "I am too."
"Never said I was scared," she replied with a scoff. "What you doing out here? Trying to talk me into doing this or something?"
Buffy didn't say anything. Faith looked over at her and wondered just what was going through her head. Faith knew she had a lot going through her own and she was trying to figure out how and why and if it was because they were somehow connected in a way. There'd always been an unexplained connection between the two. She and Giles had talked about it before, mostly because she could never understand why they were connected and he had tried to help her find some answers.
"I feel it," Buffy said after a few long minutes of silence. "I always felt it."
"Felt what?"
"Connected to you."
"You reading my thoughts?" Faith asked, a half-hearted laugh escaping past her lips.
"No I'm not," Buffy replied. "I've just been thinking, that's all."
"About this connection? Faith asked and she only nodded. "You want to know my take on this?" When Buffy didn't respond, Faith continued. "We were the last ones chosen, as Nelly pointed out. Two slayers were never meant to exist at once and even after there were thousands of us, the only one I ever felt that connection with was you. Giles and I, we tried to figure out why at one point. He thought it was cos we shared the same essence, that it was split between us even though it was as strong as it would be as if it weren't split and shared at all."
"What does it feel like for you?" Buffy asked her and she wrapped her arms around herself in an attempt to stay warm. "The connection?"
"Kind of the same way it feels when vamps or demons are around, that buzz, but it's not like that, not really. It feels...warm. Comforting."
Faith couldn't believe they were even having that conversation. But it was Buffy who had followed her outside and Buffy who had brought it up. Faith knew she had to chose her words carefully now, for her own sake. The last thing she wanted was to let it slip that she had feelings for Buffy that were somehow connected to that connection between them.
"I never really thought about how it made me feel."
"But you still feel it, even now?" Faith asked, already knowing the answer to that question just from the look in Buffy's eyes. "Bet you thought it'd be gone after what happened, right?"
"Yeah, but it's still there, not as strong as it used to be, but I can still feel it."
"Me too."
"So," Buffy said and she sucked in a deep breath. "You'll do this spell?"
"I don't-"
"We're never going to move forward if we both don't do this, Faith."
"Yeah, whatever," she groaned and she flicked her cigarette to the ground. "Guess I really don't got much of a choice here, do I?"
"It could be our only chance to find a way to fix this, to kill him and go back to our own lives. Don't you want that?"
"More than anything."
Buffy smiled and stood up from the step. She headed inside, leaving the door open for Faith to follow. With a heavy sigh, Faith rose to her feet and headed back inside. She followed Buffy down to the living room and it was Nelly who closed the double doors behind her. There was only four of them in the room, everyone else having cleared out. Willow was standing by the table, reading over the spell in the book, mouthing the words as she read them.
Faith wasn't sure how this would happen, if it would be any different than before now that the spell would be centered on them directly. Truth be told, Buffy had been right when she said that she was scared. She was scared because she knew that whatever connection they still had together would somehow become stronger throughout the course of the spell.
A simple levitation spell? Faith laughed inwardly at that. There was nothing simple about it. It just made everything rise to a whole new level of the unknown and she wasn't sure if she'd be strong enough to hold herself together through it at all.
"I want you two to sit on the table and face each other," Nelly instructed, pointing to the spot inside the circle of candles, now a dozen instead of the six there had been when Andrew had been on the table. "Willow has a theory we will test, but in a moment."
Buffy was the first on the table and Faith followed, sitting as far away from her as she could in the circle. Nelly clicked his tongue and motioned for her to move closer to Buffy. She could feel that warm buzz coursing through her veins as she sat just inches away from Buffy.
"What kind of theory?" Buffy asked. "Like, do we have to hold hands or something?"
"Yeah," Willow nodded and she briefly glanced a Faith. "We think that maybe it'll be stronger if you're touching."
Faith was startled when Buffy reached out and grabbed her hands, but it wasn't the sudden movement that startled her, it was the surge of the buzz she could feel that did it. Trying to remain calm, like just holding Buffy's hands didn't get her heart racing, she looked over at Willow, silently urging her to get the spell over and done with.
Faith felt like she was slipping away and all she could see and feel was Buffy. She only faintly could hear Willow and Nelly as they began the spell, but everything in her was drawn to the feeling she had flowing through her entire body. The warmth of Buffy's hands in hers, the softness of her skin, it made her head spin a little as she fought off those thoughts she knew that once she let them run freely through her mind, she'd never be able to tune them out or shut them off.
Then she felt it like she had before, that weightless feeling as her body slowly lifted off the table. Buffy gripped her hands tighter, their eyes locked together in an intensity they had never shared before. And before she knew it, they were back on the table and Buffy loosened her grip before she let go of Faith's hands.
"That says it all," Nelly said, a sense of amazement in his voice.
"Says what?" Faith asked, slightly dazed as she looked over at him and Willow.
"We had known there was just a shred of magic left in the world," Willow said, looking at Faith in awe. "We didn't know it was inside you both."
"Whoa, back up a second here," Faith said and she moved a few candles aside so she could get off the table. "How the hell do you know that?"
"You didn't see it?" Willow asked and she shook her head no. "You two were glowing. Like actually glowing. Only one thing has ever given off a glow like that and that was the Seed. Whatever is left, it flows through both of you. Why? We may never truly know the answer to that, but it's there, inside you both and it's stronger when you're together."
"You are the source," Nelly said. "It could be why Azri'el hasn't killed you. If he kills one or both of you, he has no power, no way of returning back to the dimension he has come from."
"If we're the source, why hasn't he found us yet?" Buffy asked. "Or is this just another part of his game?"
"You do not realize what kind of a safe house this is, do you, girl?" Nelly said and he laughed loudly, slapping his leg as he backed away from the table. "I had thought after the Seed was destroyed that the magic protecting this house would have been gone, but it is still there. A barrier of sorts. It keeps the evil from looking in, seeing what's really here. It could be the very thing that is preventing Azri'el from finding you both and until we know more, you'll stay here."
"For how long?" Buffy asked and she looked like she was on the verge of tears. "How long do we have to stay here?"
"Until we resolve this situation, find the orb that contains every slayers essence, return it and destroy Azri'el completely."
"How are we going to find this orb?"
Willow smiled at Buffy and she turned a few pages in the book. "We'll need you and Faith. There's a spell that can bring it forth, but it's powerful and very risky. We don't know how long this magic will hold out, if it is even strong enough to do more than just a simple levitation spell. But we've got to try. We have nothing else."
"We will have to wait," Nelly said. "We need to prepare. What we need for the spell, we do not have here in the house. I will send Colin out first thing in the morning to retrieve and locate some the ingredients. It may possibly take several days before we are ready."
Days. Several of them. Faith sighed and headed for the door, ignoring Willow as she called out to her to stay. She couldn't stay in that room for a minute longer. She could feel that power of the magic, just a little bit of it, still inside of her and it was completely freaking her out. There were no words to describe how it felt, but she knew it didn't feel wrong, it just felt out of place and new to her. She headed up to her room, ignoring Dawn who tried to ask her how the spell had gone, ignoring Kennedy as she waited for her by her bedroom door. She pushed past her and slammed the door shut behind her.
Trembling, she walked over to the window and drew back the drapes. The sun was still high in the sky and it filled her room with light. She gripped onto the windowsill tightly and forced back the tears that were building and she didn't even know why.
She almost lashed out when she heard the soft knock on her door. She ignored it, hoping whoever it was would go away. When the knock came again a second time, that's when she felt it and she knew that Buffy was there on the other side of the door. She wasn't in any shape ready to deal with her, to listen to whatever it was she came up there to say. She had left the dining room to give herself that space between her and Buffy. It had been too much feeling her, feeling that electricity that flowed between them, between the connection they shared.
"Faith?"
"Go away, Buffy."
Faith gripped the windowsill harder, taking a few deep breaths as she heard the door open. She spun around and glared at Buffy as she slowly shut the door behind her and locked it.
"What part of go away didn't you get?"
"We need to talk."
"No, we don't. Now get the hell out of my room."
"Or what?"
Faith walked over to her and grabbed her by her shoulders. "Or I'll make you get out."
Buffy laughed incredulously and she shoved Faith away from her. "You'll make me? Always comes down to us fighting, doesn't it, Faith?"
"Don't know any other way, do we?"
"I was right, you are scared, but not about the spell," Buffy said and she got right in Faith's face, just inches away from her. "You're scared of what you feel when you're around me."
"That's not-"
"You're scared because you don't know how to keep lying to yourself about how you feel when you're around me."
"Buffy-"
"When are you going to stop lying to yourself? To me? What the hell are you so scared for, Faith?" Buffy yelled and Faith pushed her away, unable to stand being so close to her, hearing those words spill almost angrily out of her mouth.
"Don't know what you're talking about."
Faith turned away from her, clenching her fists at her side. When Buffy reached out and grabbed her shoulder, she spun around and landed a nice hard left hook to her jaw. Buffy retaliated, punching her right back with a force that surprised Faith that she still had in her. It wasn't slayer strength and yet it hurt like hell. Faith took a few steps back, ready for whatever would come next.
"You know what I'm talking about," Buffy said as she rubbed her jaw. Her skin was red and Faith knew there'd definitely be a fist sized bruise there in no time. "I wouldn't even be here if I didn't feel it when we did that spell, Faith."
"What the hell did you feel, Buffy?"
"Everything."
"Get out," Faith yelled at her and she grabbed her arm, forcing her towards the door, but Buffy struggled against her. "Just get out, Buffy."
"No."
"Why the hell do you care so much, huh? You sure as shit didn't before. So why now?"
"Why do you keep shutting me out?"
"Uh, in case you need a refresher on the whole Buffy and Faith history, we've never been friends. No reason to let you in now just cos we're stuck in this place, hiding out from a very powerful demon, one which not to mention seduced his way into your frigging pants and you were so oblivious, so blind, but hey, what's one more demon? With a track record like yours-"
Buffy slapped her, hard, tears in her eyes as she stepped back away from her. "You have no right to bring that up," she said, her voice shaky as the tears streamed down her cheeks. "It was a mistake! How do I even apologize for that when all you ever do is shut me out?"
"Your mistake cost three girls their lives, probably more, who the hell knows. Your mistake put us all in danger in a place where we should've been safe. Your mistake is not something that you can ever apologize for cos you can never give those girls their lives back!"
"You're right. There is nothing I can do to take back what had happened because of my mistake. So, what is it that you want me to do, Faith? Keep going on like we've always done, fight the good fight while we barely can stand to be in the same room together?" Buffy asked and she scoffed, furiously wiping away her tears. "It's all different now, Faith. We need to stick together. We don't have a choice. If we want to win this fight, fix this and kill that son of a bitch, we need to stick together or we don't even have a chance."
Faith shook her head. She was reeling from the raging emotions inside of her. She wanted nothing more than to go back to hating her, to being able just to shut her out without a second thought, without feeling guilty for wanting to. Buffy had made a major mistake, several in fact and Faith couldn't understand why nobody was holding it against her except for her.
"Just get out of here," Faith said under her breath.
"No."
"You're just as stubborn as ever, aren't ya, B?" Faith laughed dryly. "Always do whatever the hell you want. Don't you even care that it's fucking tearing me apart just being in the same room as you? I don't want to feel these things anymore, Buffy, and it's kind of hard to shut them off when you won't leave me alone!"
"What things don't you want to feel anymore?"
Faith shook her head and turned away from her. "Would you just fucking get out of here?"
"What don't you want to feel, Faith?" Buffy asked, her voice soft and gentle. When she reached out for her again, Faith turned around and grabbed her by her shoulders and backed her up against the door. "Tell me. Just tell me, Faith. Let it all out for once. I won't leave until you tell me what it is you don't want to feel anymore."
It was Buffy who made the move first, grabbing Faith's head firmly and pulled her in for a hard kiss. It was so sudden and unexpected that Faith couldn't believe what was happening. It didn't even feel real to her. When she felt Buffy kiss her harder, her tongue gently dipping out, she couldn't stop herself from responding and she kissed her back, just as hard and with a sense of urgency she couldn't control.
And it was Buffy who put an end to the unexpected kiss, pushing Faith back roughly. Faith was breathing heavily, her heart just hammering in her chest and her lips tingling from the kiss.
"That's what I thought," Buffy whispered and she pulled Faith back in to her, kissing her again, softly this time.
The more Faith fought it, the harder Buffy kissed her. Buffy's fingers intertwined in her hair, roughly holding her right where she was as Faith gave in for a second time, losing herself in a flood of emotions that were just pouring out of her with just that kiss. Everything she could never say was being said and there was no turning back now.
"I hate you," she murmured against Buffy's lips before she pulled her flush against her.
"No, you don't."
Faith pulled back from Buffy just enough to look into her eyes. The intensity that shone in them was enough to blow her away. Faith wanted to push her away, tell her to get out again. She gripped on to Buffy's hips, unable to bring herself to do just that. She couldn't fight this anymore, she didn't have it in her to. The intensity she could feel between them was unlike anything she'd ever felt before. There was no way she could turn away from this, not now, not after it was Buffy who had kissed her first.
She couldn't stop herself from kissing Buffy again and she felt it all over and inside of her, the warmth of their connection filling her entire body and soul. She had never kissed another woman before, the thought of it never having crossed her mind, but kissing Buffy felt right, it felt natural and she had never quite been kissed that way before by anyone in her life.
Her whole body was reacting to the feel of Buffy flush against her, the feel of Buffy's lips and tongue against her own as they kissed slowly and deeply. She pressed Buffy hard against the door, willing her hands not to move from Buffy's hips because she knew if she did, she wouldn't be able to stop herself from taking this a whole lot further.
Buffy moaned as she slid a leg between Faith's, her hands dropping from her head and down to grip on her waist, pulling Faith impossibly closer to her. Faith pulled back from her lips and pressed her forehead to Buffy's. She was trying to keep herself under control and she was losing that battle, slowly yet surely. It'd been too long since she'd been with anyone and she was feeling the lack of intimacy more than ever before. If Buffy didn't stop whatever was happening between them, she'd be powerless to stop it herself.
"Don't fight it," Buffy whispered, her breath tickling over Faith's kiss-swollen lips. "We have to stop fighting it, Faith."
"Why?"
Faith tried to hold back the moan as Buffy arched into her, driving her thigh hard up against Faith's throbbing center. Buffy leaned in and kissed her again, wild and wanton as they both lost themselves in each other. None of it made any sense, but Faith was too far gone, too engrossed in Buffy to care anymore what any of it meant. She was going to take this moment and live within it with everything she had even if it all came crashing down once it was over.