A/N: Longer chapter here, how exciting c: Anyway, this chapter's supposed to mainly show how Jean and Marco's relationship is so hopefully I got that across in here. Also thanks for all the favorites on this, it means a lot c:
Regret was one of the worst feelings to experience. That horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach, twisting and tormenting the mind, making that you experience nothing but embarrassment and humiliation for your actions. All of those things couldn't even describe how Marco Bodt felt in this moment.
His eyes were heavy and swollen from all of the crying he went through the night before. His forearm burned with pain, stinging every time he twisted it too fast. Marco woke up to the mess all over his arm, dried blood puddled and dripped all down it and staining the sheets that he passed out on.
It was stupid. It was the stupidest thing he had ever done. Now what on earth was he gonna do? Wear long sleeves all the time? Only wear hoodies? How long would it be before the marks went away? Hell, would they even go away?
Marco pulled his body off of his bed and rubbed at his eyes. He felt horrible. If anything, he felt even worse than he did last night and it was only morning. Marco peeked over at his clock and groaned when he realized he only had a good twenty minutes to get ready and head to class. He took a step towards the entrance to his door and instantly made the decision to skip class today. He couldn't even begin to think about trying to pay attention to anything right now. His emotions were shot, his arm was on fire, and there was no way he would be caught out right now without showering.
The freckled man picked out a towel from his dresser and headed towards the bathroom, glancing into Bertholdt's room as he passed. The lights were out and Marco had woken up late anyway, so he figured he must've already left for school. He let out a sigh and went to fiddle with the faucets in the bath tub.
As he turned the knob, he barely caught the sound of his phone going off. Groaning, Marco spun around and headed back towards his room to grab his phone. Upon closer inspection, his heart twisted when the name "Jean" popped up. He cleared his throat and then answered the phone. "H-Hello..?"
"Hey Dipshit."
Marco chuckled to Jean's voice. "What do you want, douche?" He responded with.
"Are you free today? Like after class or whatever. I want to go out."
Marco's stomach twisted, his brain jumping to those words. Go outside. Go hang out. He knew that, but hearing Jean say that just dragged him down. "Ah.. I'm skipping class today, woke up late.. Speaking of, why're you calling me so damn early?"
"Fuck you, I'll call you when I want." Jean retorted. "I'm always up this early, I have all morning classes, dude."
"Yeah, right I knew that." Marco mumbled, sarcasm laced in his tone.
"Whatever, are you free or not? Armin's having Annie over and I don't think I can sit here with that shit. It's awkward, you know?"
Marco rolled his eyes. Of course he fucking knew. Did Jean not realize how many times he had unintentionally made him a third wheel? How awkward it was to be so excited to hang out, only to walk in on him and Eren lip locked and nearly fucking each other through their clothes? Yeah, probably not. "Eh, You mind coming over here? I don't really feel like going out honestly. I'm...tired." Marco sighed.
Jean blew his tongue. "Fiiine, I guess we can hang out in your crummy place."
"Good, now I was halfway in the shower when you called so don't go rushing over here."
"Aw damn, you foiled my plot to see you in the nude. I've come so close to seeing that freckled ass, and you ruined it." Jean joked.
Marco's face heated up, slapping a hand to his cheek. He rolled his eyes. "Thanks, asshole."
"You know it." Jean let out a chuckle. "I'll text you when I leave."
"Alright, sounds good."
"Bye, asshat."
"Dick."
The phone call ended, and Marco tossed his phone onto his bed, going back to the shower. He really wasn't in the mood to be around anyone, but for Jean, he could make an exception.
After getting out of the shower and heading towards his room, Marco dug through his clothes to find a long sleeved shirt. The water stung so badly when he tried to wash off his cuts, and using soap just made it hurt worse. He thought about trying to put band aids over them, but he didn't have enough to cover it all, and it would look so ridiculous. Not to mention that it would draw attention and that was the last thing he needed right now. Marco ended up pulling out a thin black long sleeved shirt that had a v-neck design at the top, with buttons trailed along the cut. He threw it on, adding to his regular jeans and turned to grab his phone.
Sure enough there was a text from Jean that he was already on his way that Marco missed while showering. Sometimes he could be the most impatient person.
Marco figured he would straighten up his room while waiting for his friend to come over. He picked up some of the clothes that were lying scattered on the floor and threw them in a corner, then he grabbed most of his school stuff and set them on his desk that was tucked off to the side. Marco walked towards his bed side to pick up the miscellaneous items on the ground and froze. The knife he used to cut himself was just lying there. He picked it up, slowly, looking at the sharp curve. There was still some of his blood on it. It made his stomach turn.
BZZZZT!
Marco jumped to the sound of the buzzer going off. He took one last look at the knife and then chucked it into his nightstand, trying to put the thoughts it brought to the back of his mind. He pulled the door open and his heart clenched tightly when Jean was standing there.
"What's up?" Jean greeted, stepping past Marco and tossing his keys onto the dinning room table. Marco shrugged his shoulders, watching the other man undo his jacket and hang it off of the chair. Jean was wearing just a regular t-shirt that looked to be torn out around the neck area. There was a faded design on his shirt that looked like a dragon curling in on itself. He had a pair tight jeans on, a belt around his waist to compliment the outfit. Marco's face darkened, taking in all of his friend's curves. He immediately grabbed at his sleeve, his heart pacing as panic ran through him. What was he gonna do if Jean saw his arm? He suddenly felt like throwing on a couple layers and hiding himself under his blankets. "This is when you should be saying 'Oh nothing Jean, I'm just so glad you're here'. " Marco's thoughts were pulled away from the idea he had and back onto Jean.
"I would still be sleeping if you didn't wake me up, why would I be glad you're here?" Marco chuckled.
"Hey, you said you were already up, that's on you." Jean peeked around the small apartment and cocked his head towards Bertholdt's room. "Big ol' berts not here?" He questioned.
"No, he's in class." Marco guessed.
"Awesome." Jean smirked and Marco lost his breath with the way his lips curved. This was torture.
"Why's that awesome?" He questioned, dragging his eyes away from Jean's features.
"Well, " Jean started. "I figured if he was here, I wouldn't be able to get a straight answer out of you." He pulled a chair out from the table and sat down, leaning back in it. "Are you two a thing?"
Marco followed Jean's movements and then found himself shaking his head, having to re-process what his friend asked. "Wait." Marco stated, thinking. "Bertholdt and me?"
Jean simply nodded and Marco felt his stomach drop. Why would he...? I mean.. I guess it was true that the two had done stuff, but it wasn't like they ever told anyone..Or at least Marco didn't. "No! Why- No, what on earth gave you that idea?"
"Well, you two are like, best friends, so I thought maybe there was something more." Jean shrugged. "I know you got a crush on someone, that was my best guess."
Marco rolled his eyes. "Will you just give up on that?" He sighed.
Jean shot up from his seat. "As if! You wouldn't do that with me, so it's not fair. I'm gonna get you to tell me who it is, just watch."
"Yeah, whatever." Marco did what he could to change the subject. "You wanna watch a movie or something?"
Jean caught on to his plan and held his stare for a long moment. After realizing that he wasn't going to get anything out of his freckled friend, he rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah sure why not."
The two headed towards Marco's room, where they both threw themselves onto the bed. Marco used the remote to turn on his tv and leaned forward off the bed to grab his ps3 controller, grabbing a second one for Jean. The system booted up and he turned to Jean, passing the controller to him. "You want to play something, or watch something?"
"Eh.. Neither honestly. I'm in the mood to like, go out and do stuff." Jean straightened his arms out and groaned. "But we got debby downer over here that doesn't want to go out. " Marco just shrugged his shoulders, unsure of what to say. He felt bad but all he wanted to do was just lie in bed. What was so bad about that? Jean let out a sigh. "But we can watch something I guess."
Marco smiled, thankful that Jean didn't pressure it anymore. The two spent some time trying to figure out what to watch, arguing over what was better, before they finally settled on watching a classic. Marco put the movie on and then settled back into the bed, getting comfortable.
Throughout the movie, the two shifted into different positions, eventually ending up tossing their limbs on each other. Jean currently had his legs propped over Marco's thighs, while Marco was using one of Jean's arms as a head rest. To be honest, Marco had missed out on a lot of the movie, because every time Jean shifted his body, Marco's stomach twisted into knots, and his face flushed red when he even brushed against his skin. Now that Jean was just flat out lying on top of him, Marco couldn't concentrate on anything but trying to calm his nerves down. He felt his heart thudding loudly against his ribcage, his nerves all over the place and Jean wasn't even doing anything. Literally.
Marco tilted his head up, scared that by doing so, it would cause Jean to move his arm from underneath his head, but he never did. Jean was on his phone, reading something. His face dropped slightly before he locked the screen and set it aside. He let out a soft sigh and turned his head away from the tv screen. Marco bit his lip, hesitant to ask and ruin the moment, but he pushed his feelings aside. "Everything okay?"
"Eh.." Jean shrugged. He looked over to Marco and forced a smile. "Stupid stuff."
"Like?" Marco questioned.
"Well like, the fucking fact that Eren doesn't have time for me anymore." Jean spat. "He just blew me off again."
Marco looked away, not really sure what to say to him. "What'd he blow you off for?"
"Supposedly to study. He keeps saying that he has to stay after class to catch up, but it was supposed to be like, twice a week, or something like that? I don't fucking know. Now it's like, every fucking day." Jean shrugged. "I don't even know why I'm mad, he's trying to bring his grade up but, I just.." Jean pulled his arm out from under Marco's head and shot up. "Like, what the fuck though? Seriously? I get that you gotta put school ahead of relationships, but do you really need five days out of the week to study for one class?"
"Maybe he's fucking the teacher." Marco stated. Jean shot him a look and Marco went into a laughing fit.
"That's not funny."
"Aw, Jean I didn't mean it. Who's his teacher anyway? I bet it's just someone really shitty and Eren's just not getting it or something."
"That short angry looking guy. Lavi, or levy, or-"
"Levi?"
"Yeah, that guy." Jean sighed.
"Huh..." Marco bit his lips, confused. "I actually have him this semester.."
Jean caught Marco's look and scrunched his eyebrows together. "What? What's with that look? What?"
"N-nothing just.." Marco blinked, taken back by Jean's sudden burst. "He's probably the best Math teacher.. Like, He doesn't give out homework, and all the assignments are like, follow-alongs with his work, so it's just..weird that Eren's having that hard of a time." Marco shrugged his shoulders and then pulled his arms up behind his head,.His sleeves pulled up from the way his shoulders bent, the cloth bunched up around his elbow area. He turned to look at Jean again, his eyes catching onto the hazel pair. They weren't looking at Marco's face, but they were looking at him, his eyes were definitely staring right at Marco's arm.
Panic ran through his body and Marco immediately sat up, tugging his shirt sleeve down in the process. He didn't know if anything was even showing, but.. Jean was staring right at it. Even if his cuts didn't show, it was like he already knew. Jean was quiet for a long moment. Marco's face was red as he turned his body to face Jean. He tried to go on like nothing happened. He hoped that nothing happened at least. "M-Maybe Eren's just.. I don't know catching up on all of his assignments. You did have to turn those i-"
Marco was cut off by Jean's hand gripping onto his arm. Jean pulled his arm towards him and was reaching for Marco's sleeve. Marco tried to yank his arm backward, but Jean wasn't letting go. "J-Jean, stop it. Let go!" He said, struggling, but it wasn't any use. Jean pulled Marco forward again and used his other arm to yank his sleeve up, revealing all the cuts that were decorating his friends arm. He instantly let go when he saw them, and Marco immediately brought his hand to his chest, his face red and his eyes watering just slightly. It suddenly felt hard to breathe for him. He couldn't bring himself to look at Jean, he didn't want to see how he was judging him. Before he got the chance to, Jean had brought his arms around Marco, pulling him into a hug.
"Marco..." Jean breathed along his neck. His breath sent chills down Marco's spine. Jean's embrace was comforting and warm, his touch gentle and definitely caring. It took every bit of strength to keep himself from sobbing into his shoulder right now. Jean pulled back from his hug and locked eyes with his freckled friend. "Why...?"
Marco bit his lip, feeling his breath skip when he inhaled. "I... I thought it would help...It was stupid, I shouldn't of..." He trailed off, looking to the side.
"Hey," Jean called, using his hand to lightly pull Marco's face back to level with his. "It's alright, Just... Fuck Marco, talk to someone before you do that shit." Jean let out a breath, looking down at his arm again. There was a silence that hung in the air between them and it was obvious that Jean wasn't sure what to say. He looked like he had a lot of things that he wanted to say to him, but none of it was coming out. Jean had no idea that Marco felt bad at all, not even in the slightest. There was no way in his mind that Marco would ever do something like this, but.. He did. And Jean didn't know.. Marco never told him. Marco never said anything. "..Talk to me..." He said in a hushed tone. Marco's heart skipped a beat. He wished he could've, but it was hard to talk to the person that made him do it in the first place. Fuck, what would Bertholdt think of him right now if he saw how pathetic he was? Jean shifted suddenly, stepping off the bed and looking around the room. "What'd you use?"
"..." Marco's eyes drifted away from Jean. "..A knife.."
"Where is it?" Jean watched Marco as he pointed towards his night stand. He immediately pulled the drawer open and began digging through his things. He shifted some items around before pulling out a pocket knife, holding it up and flicking it open, inspecting it. His hands clamped it shut and then he shoved the knife into his pocket, sitting back on the bed with Marco. "Do you want to talk..?"
"I don't think I could even if I wanted to." Marco mumbled. He played with the ends of his sleeve, regret taking over every ounce of his being right now. In a way, he wanted Jean to just say fuck it pretend it never happened, but he also wanted him to hug him, console him, lie with him and be there for him and just spend the rest of the day in bed, taking care of him. There wasn't anyway that Jean could ever understand his pain if he didn't know what brought him pain. He knew that if he ever did want to take Jean up on his offer, he would have to tell him how he felt, and it terrified him. He couldn't do that to him, especially not right now while he was with Eren.
His thoughts were cut off when Jean's hands were placed on top of his. His eyes locked with his crush's and Marco swore he could've died with how amazing Jean appeared to him in this moment. There was a lump in his throat and his hands started to sweat. "Marco.. You're my best fucking friend, you know that right? I tell you everything, stupid or not and it's because I trust you. Because you're just fucking great, and so selfless. You don't give two shits about what I think is right or wrong, you give everything to me straight and you never sugar coat anything, and I might get pissed over it because I'm wrong, but I appreciate it. I appreciate everything you do for me." Jean pulled out Marco's arm again, pulling the sleeve back and brushing his thumb along the cuts that were made. Marco winced to the touch, but he didn't try to pull back this time. "This isn't okay. This isn't anywhere near okay, and I wouldn't have even had a clue if I didn't see it... Have you done it before?" Marco shook his head. Jean just kept his eyes on him "...Let me help you.. Please, just talk to me.."
Marco's mind went crazy for a second. He literally wanted to spill everything to him. He wanted to confess how in love with Jean he was and tell him how much it was hurting him to be so close, but so fucking far away from him. How painful it was to be ditched and abandoned and just forgotten about whenever Eren was brought up. God, how much it fucking hurt when Eren was even talked about, he wanted to tell him literally everything because Jean was his best friend. He would've told Jean all of these things all the time if they just.. weren't about Jean. His mind was running so fast that he couldn't even stop himself from talking.
"You ditch me a lot." Jean blinked, staring at Marco. He didn't say anything, he seemed surprised that anything about him would be brought up. Marco continued. "You blow me off a lot of the time to hang out with Eren, or when we're hanging out, you'll cut it short to see him and.. Like I get that you two are dating but...I miss seeing you, I guess."
"..." Jean withdrew his hands from Marco, not sure what to say.
"...Bertholdt and I got into an argument last night. It was about his eating habits. I didn't really know what to do, but he said some stuff and I just... I broke, I couldn't..." Marco let out a deep breath. "I'm exhausted, Jean. I don't know how much longer I can be the nice guy.. I just want to quit, and give up on everyone, because it seems no matter how much or how long I care, it's not going to change anything.." His throat swelled up as he recalled the words that Bertholdt threw at him. He just wanted to help him. He wanted him to be healthy, and be happy for himself, but Marco couldn't do it. He couldn't just flick that switch and make Bertholdt love himself. He didn't even know how he could attempt to help him when he couldn't even figure it out himself.
"Is this..." Jean started. He cut off and seemed to rethink his words before saying anything else. "Bertholdt's anorexic...And I blow you off..." He wasn't sure what else to say to him. He understood how Bertholdt's problem could wear him out, but he had no idea that he was affecting Marco at all. "Marco..." Jean's voice dropped to almost a whisper. "Do you think I should be with Eren...?"
Marco was quiet. His mind was screaming 'No, fuck that guy', but he couldn't bring himself to say it. "...Does he make you happy?"
Jean shrugged. "I think so..Yeah."
"Then..Yeah, you should be..." Marco trailed off, his voice almost cracking. He inhaled slowly, trying to keep himself from crying. Jean turned to look at Marco.
"I'm sorry." He whispered. "I didn't think.. I don't know I guess I didn't realize I was doing that so much. I'll stop blowing you off alright? Unless there's an emergency or something you know."
Marco chuckled. "It really doesn't matter Jean, do what makes you happy. You just wanted me to talk..so-"
"No, it does matter, I can't sit here and let you tell me I'm part of the reason why this happened., and not do anything about it." Jean said indicating Marco's self injury. "As far as Bertholdt goes.. He needs help Marco. And not the kind of help that you can offer him, he needs to go to therapy or something, He's gonna end up killing himself.. Idunno, I thought you guys were closer than you are I guess. I think we're all just hoping he'll just suddenly eat again..."
"Jean..." Marco let his head drop, his forehead landing against Jean's shoulder. "Thank you..." He wanted to tell him it was useless, there wasn't any point to talk to him, but it still in a way felt good. Jean wanted to listen and Marco could go to him if he really wanted to, and it lifted a little bit of the weight off of his shoulders. He felt better, but he still didn't feel good at all. Regardless, it was something.
Jean pulled Marco into a hug and smiled. "No problem, asshat."
"...Dick." Marco chuckled.
"Break up with him."
"What? Are you serious? We're fucking in the back and your problem is that-"
"Eren." Levi's voice was completely serious. "I don't know what kind of relationship you think this is, but I'm not gonna have a love struck teen come barging in here threatening me because you're playing games with him."
Eren rolled his eyes, looking around the small back area they were in for his pants. Levi was already dressed and tidying himself up, waiting for the red tint to his skin to subside before even thinking about stepping into his classroom. "Fine, whatever, I'll break up with him. It's not like he cares that much anyway."
Levi cocked an eyebrow. "Are you kidding me? From what you've been telling me, the only reason you haven't is because you know you're gonna break his heart. Which- actually. Can you explain how cheating was going to make that any easier?"
"Shut up, will you?" Eren scoffed, slipping into his jeans and buttoning them up. He found his shirt and tossed it around in his hand for a minute before finding the right way to wear it and slipping it on.
Levi shook his hands in the air like he was trying to dry them off. "Ugh, my hands feel fucking gross, I need.." He trailed off, looking himself over and making sure he was safe to exit the storage area. He was looking around for something to wipe his hands with when a sound from outside the door was heard. Levi froze and Eren looked over his shoulder to his teacher.
"Levi...?"
It was fucking Erwin. Of course.
Levi shooed Eren away into a corner, throwing his hoody at him as well, while he headed towards the door. He cracked it open slightly and slid his body out of the opening, shutting the door behind him. "What the hell do you want?"
"Oh, I thought you went home for a moment." Erwin smiled.
Levi immediately went for the sink that was in the corner of the room. He pumped a lot more pumps of soap than needed, and began washing his hands. "Nope, going over the last minute assignment hand ins."
Erwin chuckled. His personality seemed a bit off from his normal charismatic mood. He had a folder in hand that Levi noticed. Levi grabbed paper towel to dry his hands off and pointed at the brown folder. "What's that? You taking home some last minute work?"
"Uh..." Erwin was quiet for a moment. He flipped it over in his hands before looking off to the side. "Yeah, something like that..." Levi raised an eyebrow. Erwin cleared his throat before speaking again. "So.. You know that teacher? The one I brought up before?"
Levi rolled his eyes. "Erwin, please, not this subject again."
"Ah, no, they're trying to find a teacher to replace him. And it's math too, kinda funny."
"Oh god. I'd rather be fired than have to work down at that school." Levi stated, tossing the wet paper towel into the trash bin.
Erwin went quiet. He looked around the classroom and then back to Levi. "...I should let you get back to your paperwork."
The blond gave a forced smile and turned on his heel and left, the brown envelope still under his arm. Levi was in all honesty happy that the visit was short, but he had to say that was probably the most out of character Erwin he had ever seen. There was definitely something that he didn't tell him. Levi pondered on it for a moment before brushing it off and turning to release Eren from his uncomfortable position. He'd figure out sooner or later what that was about.