A/N Heeey I'm putting the note on top of the chapter, yep weird, because I need to pass a few thoughts and stuff.
a)Here's the thing, next week I'm going to be so so so busy with school I don't know if I'll be able to post anything, also because there are three unwritten chapters between this one and the next ones already ready. BUT I've noticed as convenient for me to post on CM day is pretty lame. So here's what's going to happen, I cut the last part of this chapter that has kind of a cliffhanger and I'll post it on Sunday and hopefully after that I'll start posting on Sunday. Let me know what you think.
b)If you haven't noticed, it's okay if you didn't, the story is structured around a main plot, the Emily/Doyle plot, which includes their story from Lauren to whenever it's going to end plus eventual flashbacks. Then there's the team subplot that goes parallel to the main one and finally the Clyde/Emily subplot. The last isn't actually a proper plot as if taken singularily, it wouldn't even be a story, so let's just say that as boring as it is for me to write it and for you to read it it's necessary because Clyde will reappear in the story as it goes on and therefore I felt like I needed to expand on their relationship or lack thereof, it's going to be a few chapters long, five, or something like that.
Also the story is already mostly all planned and the major happenings are already decided, but I'd love to hear your opinions, I've read a couple of reviews saying you think you know what's going to happen and I'd lo-ove to hear that, because I'm as curious as a monkey and because it helps me to have a different point of view on the story and see what people think of it. So pleease do tell.
c) Last, but not least, I promise from now on I'll try and start respond to reviews personally not just putting a footnote on the bottom of the chapter. I love reviews. And just FYI, since I bored you with how the story is structured, I can tell you that after Sunday the chapters will be Team-Emily/Clyde-Team-Emily/Doyle, which means if the story's rating goes up will be after that, I'll give a reasonable warning a few chapters before and that's pretty much it. There's more boring and annoying stuff to tell, but I'll put it with Sunday's chapter. Please let me know what you think and what you think'll happen :)
It was the first time, since she'd died, that he said her name. Again a bittersweet feeling crept up Emily. Should she be scared or calmer than he made a connection, with her and not Lauren. When she turned towards him he was staring right back at her. Icy blue orbs burning holes in her deep brown ones. She'd felt taken aback by his actions, but when she took in his appearance she realized he looked... sad. She felt absolutely no compassion for the man, not even a little, rightfully. She didn't, couldn't, sympathized, she did have an idea how he felt though. That was his fault and his entirely, if anything she'd saved and preserved the only good thing he'd done in his life.
She stared back for about a second, then dropped her gaze to her feet. She was standing, barely, he was too tall so he sat whenever they stopped as not to have stiff neck while driving from standing haunched. She could feel the heat from his grip on her arm. She didn't like it, despite it was probably th first human contact she had in months. She sighed and tried to pull her arm from him. Unsuccessfully.
"Emily." he repeated, tightening slightly the pressure on her arm.
Emily let her eyes fall shut and remembered what she used to do while undercover. She put a friendly face on him. As she convinced herself she had to do this, she held her head back up and stared back at him again. "Ian."
He gently pulled her arm down until she was forced to sit next to him. Her eyes were still shut and her whole body was tense and completely still beside him. They weren't touching, except for the arm, in her years of studying behavior she knew that it was either a good sign, he wasn't going to hurt her, or bad, but given how he'd acted the last few days she was leaning on the good explanation.
She was roughly pulled out of her thoughts as he cupped her cheek gently with his calloused hand. The warmth, skin to skin touch, that spread through her face sent a weird comforting feel to her brain. And that was upsetting her. Not that he'd touched her, but the reaction to that particular action had set her off. She didn't lean on his hand, she wasn't that crazy. His thumb caressed her skin gently before moving under her chin to lift her face up, so that he could look at her in the eyes.
Still she avoided eye contact. Her gaze was fixated on him, his pants, the sides of his opened shirt. Lauren would have looked up and faced the man, given him a piece of her mind, told him to do what he wanted or to get over it and get lost. Now, he said he wanted Lauren back, he did. But he'd clarified that he wanted what she'd taken away from him, and now he was with Emily. He was aware of it, definitely, if not for the shared body Lauren and Emily were different, not opposites, just very different.
After waiting she looked up, timidly. She tensed a little more, if possible, as a creepy, slimy, smile made its way on his face. She wasn't scared, it was the same smile he had on whenever he was with Lauren. His thumb was rubbing her chin and cheek, as far as it could reach. Emily's eyes drifted shut once more. His eyes were so penetrating and so full of emotions it was hard to stare at him for long, almost as if he would pass on the sadness and delusion he felt.
Dread crept up over her. She'd not realized what he was doing, again over analyzing everything had her distracted from her surrounding. Eventually the thumb moved, sliding over her soft lips, tracing a pattern, over and over. She tried to slow her breathing, and to open her eyes to look at him. She saw more than before, she saw confidence, desire, love, overshadowing the previous feelings. "Ian," she whispered so softly she was afraid he might have not heard her.
His thumb currently residing on her lower lip traveled up to the other lip and brought it back down, effectively shushing her. Her whole body was shaking. The look she'd seen in his eyes was the one he used for Lauren, for a woman he loved. That's when a teeny tiny lightbulb lit up in her brain. He was delusional. How did she miss this? An experienced profiler misses something this big? She closed her eyes once again as she felt him lean in so slowly it might have looked like a movie in slow motion. He edged in until she felt his breath against her cheek.
"Do you remember our first kiss?" he whispered distantly. How could she not? One of the single most terrifying moments in her entire life.
July 25, 2003
It'd been about month. They'd met and he'd taken a special interest in her, it bothered Liam endlessly, which was a bonus. It'd been like most of her relationships, you meet, start going out just as friends then you flirt, you laugh at his bad, really bad jokes, look at him longingly and testosterone does the rest.
Ian had asked her out on a couple of dates, a few she'd had to cancel because of business, which worried him she might be seeing someone else too, but really was only because she was freaking out. Everytime they went out she felt her stomach roll painfully and dangerously, cleaning up vomit isn't the ideal date for anyone. She'd been distant, cold, mistrustful, Lauren. She had to make sure she'd him wrapped around her finger before she considered making any sort of plan to accomplish her mission. She wasn't quite there, but definitely close enough.
"Beautiful as ever." he admitted after taking in her appearance. She was wearing an oversized Irish sweater, his gift, and jeans. It was their fifth date and he'd invited her to his place, she'd been there before, for their business, but this time it was different. Candles led the way to the kitchen where a small table was set up for two, right in front of the balcony, which had an incredibly nice view.
He'd kissed her cheek, as always, he'd never pushed further than that. She appreciated him for this.
"Wait in the living room, I'll call you when it's ready." he slid a hand down her arm and pointed her toward a hallway. Following his directions Emily found herself melting as she saw a little kid, not older than five tapping his finger on a small wooden coffee table. She rounded the couch that separated them and sat on one end, just looking at him.
She shifted and the couch squeaked, causing the boy to look at her. As he saw her a frightened look passed his eyes. He looked quickly around the room as to seek someone that clearly wasn't there. He got to his feet and after looking at her he looked down.
Emily got up from the couch and crouched down in front of the little boy. "I'm Lauren."
"I'm Declan." he said in a soft cute voice.
She reached out a hand and pulled him closer to her. "What were you doing?"
He looked guilty. "Music."
"Music?" she rationalized that probably the tapping on the table must have been his rendering of a song he knew. "Do you like music?"
He nodded vigorously and looked up at her with blue eyes that looked so familiar.
"How old are you Declan?"
He held up a hand with four fingers proudly. Emily, not even thinking about why a four year old was in Ian Doyle's apartment, pulled him up to sit with her on the couch. Brushing his bright blond hair to the side she rubbed his arm. "You know I used to play the piano when I was a bit older than you?"
"Really?" asked he sounding very excited.
Emily nodded. She had, for a year and a half, in Russia. She never liked it and never mind that she'd gotten pretty good at it, she'd never touched those black and white keys again. If she did now she'd realize she was probably back to zero. "Yeah." she answered matching his excitement.
"You're going to stay for dinner?"
"Why yes, I think so. You're staying too?" she inquired softly, enjoying the contact she was having with to most innocent human being she was going to meet in awhile.
He shook his head. "No, I already eated."
"Ate." corrected her.
After talking for a few more minutes Ian came in the room. As he saw her and Declan his look changed, from the happy she had seen before, at the door, he looked upset. "Declan." he started. "Have I not told you not to talk with guests?"
The boy nodded guiltily. "Ian I-" she tried to explain, she felt bad for the boy, she'd been the first one to talk. He'd been so excited to have someone to talk to he couldn't stop.
"No. There are rules. He has to follow the rules." He stated. Before calling Louise. When she arrived in the room he nodded at Declan. "Take your boy. It's probably past his bedtime already."
The bittersweet feeling still lingered in Emily until after their dinner when he moved their glasses of wine on the balcony, old style, with drywall fence. He put the glasses on the edge while he watched as Lauren took in the beauty of the view.
She leaned on the edge until her hip bones hurt, shifting away from him somewhat unconsciously. "It's beautiful." she breathed, just before a strong set of arms locked around her waist from behind. Her instincts went crazy, she was trapped against the balcony railing and him. Taking a deep breath, and another, she tried to calm her nerves and leaned into him slightly, just to test.
As he felt her get closer he tightened his grip on her and let his chin rest on her shoulder, brushing the hair behind her shoulder. "I know it is." he nodded as her arms come up to cover his. "I wouldn't have taken you up here if it wasn't this good."
Emily chuckled. He was a terrorist, a weapons dealer, but he was a man like all the other ones she'd ever met. She didn't even know why she was so surprised. "Do you take a lot of your clients up here?"
He grinned, she couldn't see it, but she felt his scratchy cheek move against her own cheek. "Not all my clients are this beautiful, besides, the view it's supposed to be more of a background, I've got the real thing right here." as he said it he squeezed her waist gently and turned her in his arms.
"I feel like I should point out that you're so not getting into my pants tonight." she said, not aware of how her sparkling eyes were affecting him.
His eyes widened and a large grin appeared on his face. "It wasn't my intention." he let his finger brush her cheek, enjoying the way her eyes were staring directly into his. "I'm the ultimate gentleman. I was thinking about something different for tonight."
Emily felt just about calm. She'd made sure she was safe for a little while yet. She'd been flirting with him and encouraging him, she couldn't afford to do that, not for her, not for the operation. She leaned into him, letting his body take in all of her weight. Emily planted her head on his shoulder and expected him to make the next move.
One of his hands started running up and down her spine, sending tingles everywhere in her body. The other hand went to her head and started massaging her soft hair. She felt so relaxed and so at ease she hated herself. For feeling like this, for how her body was reacting, if unconsciously, to his ministrations, for letting part of her self control slip every time she was with him. He made her feel guarded, calm, relaxed. Never mind that it was Ian himself that scared her, but, she thought, if she'd casually met him one day, he could have charmed her into going with him, and he might have made it.
When the hand in her hair traveled to her cheek, she tensed. On instinct maybe, but it didn't matter to Ian, who was still a bit mistrustful and insecure. "Something wrong?"
Emily bit the corner of her lip. Gathering then all her courage she tilted her head enough so she could see him in the eyes. "What are we doing Ian?"
Just above a whisper, sounded sincere enough that his face softened and a small unsettling smile appeared. He looked kind of scary when he smiled. He stared into the brown orbs before him. With his thumb he traced circles on her cheekbone, slowly, trying to reassure her. He didn't trust her, he didn't love her, not yet, anyway, but he felt something, a weird feeling inside him. His thumb made an excruciatingly slow path to her lips, to hover over them swiftly.
Emily's, Lauren's, eyes fluttered close. She shouldn't have felt that way, but Ian Doyle, wasn't only good at dealing. She'd known when she'd seen the never ending list of women he'd been with that he must be good, at this. She just didn't expect him to be this good. Before her mind could wander further he leaned in and brushed her lips with his, initiating their very first kiss.