Chapter 10: Personal Matters

Shepard was quiet the entire ride back. Miranda and Garrus tried to engage him in conversation, but he was not interested. He was still processing what had happened. Most of what they said to him seemed to blend in with the background noise. Finally, they just stopped trying. He still tried to wrap his head around Ashley's turning on him. She was there, two years ago, when Udina had the Normandy locked out. While Udina and the Council played politics, trying to deny the Reaper threat, Shepard, Ashley, Garrus, and Anderson had cooked up a scheme to unlock the ship systems. Shepard and his crew then stole the Normandy and flew to Ilos.

Technically, what they did was treason. And it had cost him a promotion. Only the appearance, and Shepard's subsequent defeat of, Sovereign had prevented court marshals for Anderson, Ashley, and himself. How could she not see that the Council and the Alliance brass were right back to doing the same thing?

The shuttle docked and Shepard wordlessly stormed out of the shuttle and directly to the lift. Miranda looked at Garrus, but Garrus shook his head.

"Talk to him later," Garrus warned. "You know Ashley was like a sister to him, don't you? It's been two years for the rest of us, but less than a month for Shepard."

"I knew they were close," confessed Miranda.

"He'll never forgive her for this," said Garrus. "She said she's an Alliance soldier and that it's in her blood; she doesn't know the meaning. For Shepard, the Alliance is literally all he's ever known. Hell, he grew up on ships with his parents. His father died in service to the Alliance and his mother's a captain." Garrus shook his head. "He didn't get that Star of Terra for letting his unit die and getting picked up as a sidekick by some captain; he saved his unit and thousands of civilians by holding the breach in the colony defenses himself, ordering his very small company of men to help get women and children to safety. Ash couldn't possibly understand or know." Then his eyes took on a fierce intensity. "And to have seen the Alliance tear apart everything he said, even before he was declared dead? She should have listened to him! She should have understood. Instead, she basically just called him a traitor. She threw away the most loyal friend she'll ever have when she did that."

"Will he be alright?"

"You mean will he be able to get his head together for the mission?" Garrus asked with annoyance. "Shepard will do what has to be done, no matter the personal cost. So don't even think about questioning him." Garrus began to walk away, but then he turned back and said, "Oh, and don't worry; we'll figure out how Ashley and the Alliance got their hands on information that Shepard's mission involved Cerberus. And when we do, you and your Illusive Man had better have some answers."

She opened her mouth to respond, but he was already walking away again, saying, "Don't screw with him, Miranda. You mess with him, you mess with me."

"I really do care that he's alright," she said quietly to no one as Garrus boarded the lift. She had also wondered about the reports that Ashley had mentioned. Miranda had no knowledge of them, and unless the Alliance had a mole implanted in Cerberus, there would be no way for them to know. But I will find out for myself, she thought.

Shepard had changed back into his uniform and had entered the conference room. He touched the activation key on the table and it sank into the floor, revealing the QEC transmission pad. The lights dimmed to near total darkness as Shepard stepped onto the pad, the QEC system mapping his image. Momentarily, the room was dimly lit by the Illusive Man's life sized image, appearing before Shepard, seated in his chair, a planetary vista behind him. In the man's hand was his usual lit cigarette.

"Shepard, good work on Horizon," said the Illusive Man. "Hopefully, the Collectors will think twice before attacking another colony."

Shepard held up his hand and shook his head. "It's not a victory. We interrupted the Collectors, but they still abducted half the colony."

"That's better than an entire colony," the man countered. "And more than we've accomplished since the abductions began. The Collectors will be more careful now, but I think we can find another way to lure them in."

"Ash said the Alliance got a tip about me working with Cerberus," Shepard noted. "Was that you?"

"I may have let it slip that you were alive and working with Cerberus," confirmed the man.

Ashley was already primed and ready to be angry, he thought. No wonder she was skeptical. Still, given what they had been through, he could never forgive Ashley for shutting him out and then lashing out at him. But that did not let the Illusive Man off the hook.

"You risked the lives of my friend, my crew, and an entire colony? Just to lure the Collectors there?"

"A calculated risk," confirmed the Illusive man again, his voice still calm. "I suspected the Collectors were looking for you, or people connected to you. Now I know for certain."

Shepard began to respond, but the Illusive Man cut him off.

"I told you I wouldn't wait while the Collectors and the Reapers gathered strength. Besides, they would have hit another colony eventually. Without a way to predict which one, they would've abducted everyone."

Shepard wanted to tear into the Illusive Man, but the Cerberus leader's logic was solid; as painful as it was, they had actually saved a lot of lives because of what the Illusive Man had done. He just wished that he had been in the loop regarding the release of information on the mission. He wondered if Miranda knew, not that it mattered, though it would have been nice for her to said something to him if she did. Enough of this.

"We have to make sure they don't abduct anyone else."

"I want the Collectors stopped for that very reason. That's why we're doing this, Shepard. I'm devoting all resources to finding a way through the Omega 4 Relay. We have to hit them where they live." Then he shifted in his chair and assumed a more familiar posture. "Your team will need to be strong, as will their resolve. There's no looking back. The same goes for you. Can I assume you've put your past relationships behind you?"

"None of your damn business," replied Shepard bluntly, making a sharp, dismissive gesture his right hand to emphasize the point.

"If it affects the mission, better you should leave it behind," said the Illusive Man as he crushed out his cigarette. "Shepard, once we find a way through the Omega 4 Relay to the Collector homeworld, there's no guarantee you'll return. To have any hope of survival, you - and your entire team, must be fully committed to this."

"Let me worry about them," said Shepard, always annoyed with far away people trying to micromanage him while in the field. "You just find us a way to the Collector homeworld."

"I just want to be up front about your odds. You'll need everyone at their best. I've forwarded three more dossiers. Keep building your team while I find a way through the Omega 4 Relay. And be careful Shepard; the Collectors will be watching you."

With that, the Illusive Man picked up a remote and cut the connection. Shepard stepped off of the pad and the table reemerged from the floor, the lights returning to their normal intensity. The door opened, revealing Jacob standing in the hallway, his arms crossed, and a serious expression on his face.

"I guess we're really gonna do it," he said. "Hit the Omega 4 Relay and take the fight to the Collectors in person." He then walked up to Shepard, saying, "Looking forward to the action. But after seeing what those bastards did on Horizon … makes you think."

"They're powerful," said Shepard, "but we've got a few tricks for them. If anyone can stop them, we can."

"No argument there, Commander," agreed Jacob. "Horizon just made it hit home; what we're doing, what we're up against." Then he shifted a little, looking down, and continued. "Gonna go take care of a little unfinished business. Imagine everyone else is too – getting some closure, you know?"

Jacob walked off, clearly a lot on his mind. Shepard contemplated the operative's ominous words; unfinished business. What was he doing waiting outside the door for him? Chances were that he simply wanted to catch Shepard to talk to him, but what … unfinished business was the operative referring to? He had liked Jacob, and trusted him from the start, but now he wondered if he needed to watch out for the man.

Imagine everyone else is too – getting some closure, you know. That meant personal matters. And Jacob was not just speaking in generalities. He had something specific in mind, and probably had some idea of what some of the others might want to take care of before embarking on a suicide mission. While Shepard could understand wanting to take care of things, he was not sure that the mission would allow for it. He decided to wait and let people come to him before worrying about it. Right now, though, he had a lot of his own personal matters to consider.

He walked through the tech-lab foyer and out into the CIC to check in with the Yeoman. Kelly Chambers greeted him warmly as always. The girl had been flirty with him from the moment he had stepped aboard, and just gushing with admiration. He still had not gotten used to the hero worship that had become a regular part of his life since the Blitz, but he had learned to deal with it.

"I saw the reports on Horizon, Commander," she said, her voice filled with admiration. "What you was amazing! The report mentioned that Ashley Williams was there. How did that go?"

"We've been through a lot," he said, putting on a more casual air, and disguising just how much it had hurt him. "I wish we could have had more time together." That was true; maybe things would have ended differently.

"Do you have strong feelings for her?"

"Ashley's an incredible woman, like a sister. I didn't like saying goodbye."

"I'm sorry. Parting ways with someone so close is never easy."

"I appreciate that," he replied. "But I'll be okay."

"How may I help you, Commander," asked the Yeoman, resuming a still friendly, but more professional tone.

"Is there anything I should know?"

"Nothing right now, Commander."

"Thanks. I'll be in my cabin for a while. I've got some things to process."

"Yes, Sir. If you need anything …"

"I'll let you know, Kelly."

Right now, he just needed some time alone. He eschewed his normal visit to the bridge after a mission; Joker would have something to say about Ashley, but right now, he did not want to hear anything about Ashley.

Miranda sat and stared at the message on the screen. She could not believe it. After everything she had done, as hard as she had worked, Doctor Henry Lawson had managed undo her efforts. She was torn. The Mission came first, of course; if Shepard did not succeed, and she was convinced that he was the only one who could, then none of this would matter. Also, it was highly personal. She had grown to like Shepard, and even to trust him, but was not quite ready to share this much of herself. Time, however, was not on her side, and to take care of this, she would need help. And Shepard was the only one she trusted enough to help her on this.

"I have to ask him," she said aloud with resignation.

Shepard sat in his cabin in silence contemplating the events on Horizon and the words of his former friend. The more he thought about it, the more it hurt. Did she really know me so little? he asked himself. He had thought that she knew him better than anyone, but as it turned out, she did not know him at all. I … you were more than our commander, she had said. Had she loved him? Beyond the love of a dear friend? He hoped not; Shepard had never led her on, and had always been truthful with her. He had made it clear that there was someone out there waiting for him. He thought she had understood, but it seemed that she had developed romantic feelings for him. How could I have missed it? Perhaps she simply could not express herself? Then he thought, no. She faked her emotions by quoting writers of deep thought, feigning an inability to express herself. But when it came time to be hurtful, her deception was undone; she had no trouble whatsoever expressing herself.

Two years had gone by, but he was right back where he was after the events of Eden Prime; facing a galactic foe and fighting the denial of the Alliance and the Council. And Anderson – what a disappointment he turned out to be. He could have told Ashley that Shepard had asked about her. But maybe it was for the best; better to find out where he stood now. Now, he could focus all of his efforts against the Collectors without the distraction of Ashley Williams.

He stood abruptly, satisfied with having processed the events on Horizon, and exited his cabin, heading to the CIC.

"Is there anything I should know?" he asked Kelly. It was pure laziness on his part; he could check his terminal anytime he wanted, but right now, he decided that he liked being free from the computer screen.

"Operative Taylor would like to see you in the armory. Operative Lawson would like to see you in her cabin. Anything else?"

"Thanks; nothing more."

Shepard then went to the cockpit to see Joker.

"Hey Commander," said Joker tentatively as Shepard entered. "It's uh … pretty crazy the people you can run into out here, huh? I mean it was probably just a set up or something, but it was pretty good to see Ash – Operations Chief Williams, wasn't it?"

"She moved on. I can't blame her." Shepard was not going to say anymore. He had moved on now too.

"She was front line with you blowing up half the Citadel and I'm the one who gets roped back into saving the galaxy? What? Did somebody switch our files?"

"You're the force that pulls it all together, Joker."

"Yeah, sucks, I can tell you that."

"That's it for now," said Shepard. Time to go see Jacob and Miranda.

Miranda's door chimed. She knew exactly who it was as she signaled it to open.

"Shepard, I find myself in the unpleasant position of asking for your help," she began tentatively. "I don't like discussing personal matters, but this is important."

"Miranda, you're one of my crew," he replied, as if that answered everything. "Tell me what's on your mind."

"You remember when I told you about my father building a dynasty? There was another reason I went to Cerberus for protection."

Miranda stood up and walked out from behind her desk. Shepard was here, listening to her. The desk made it like she was making a formal leave request or something. But this was not formal; it was personal. And it was about family. She recalled her own observation that to Shepard, his crew was his family. While she had been a part of his crew since the mission began, it had been something that was imposed upon him from outside. But the way he said it now, she was no longer a 'them' placed here to safeguard Cerberus' priorities; she was part of his crew, his family. It would have seemed odd were it anyone else, but she felt a connection to the war hero. She walked over to the chairs by the window and signaled for him to join her. He walked over, but neither of them sat down. Miranda was too nervous about what was going on to relax, while Shepard stood patiently, waiting for her before taking a seat.

"I have a sister – a twin, and he's still hunting her. Cerberus has kept her safe … until now. She's living a normal life on Illium, safe, and hidden from my father."

"So, you think your father has tracked her down."

She realized that she had been holding her breath, only exhaling when she spoke, then holding it again. Got to relax, she thought. He's listening to you, just as you had hoped.

"Precisely, Commander," she said, noticeably less tense now that Shepard seemed receptive. "My sources indicate that he knows that she's on Illium. I've tried to keep her hidden without impacting her life, but I'm out of options. He's too close. I need to relocate my sister's family before it's too late."

"What do you know about your sister?"

"She's my genetic twin – we're identical. But she deserves a normal life, and she's going to get it no matter what."

"Does your sister's family know about this? Are they okay with being relocated?"

"They know nothing. They're completely uninvolved; normal. I talked to Cerberus, and they're coming up with a positive reason to move the family."

"What do you need me to do?"

Miranda had expected Shepard to balk at her request, or at least to deliberate, but no. He could see how important this was to her, and he offered to help without hesitation, and without condition. No wonder they loved him on the old Normandy, she thought.

"My father is extremely persistent. I'd like to go to Illium when Cerberus is moving the family to make sure none of his agents get to close. My contact's name is Lantea. She'll be waiting for us in the lounge near the Nos Astra docking bay."

"Send me the details," he replied. I'll make sure we're there for the move."

Finally, she could sit back down, the weight lifted from her. "Thank you, Shepard," she said. "This means a lot to me."

Shepard met with Jacob in the armory next. It seemed that Operative Taylor had been forwarded a lead on his father's ship, the MSV Hugo Gernsback, which had gone missing ten years ago. A distress beacon was suddenly signaling, dormant after over a decade. It was odd; distress signals don't tend to go off after a ten year delay. Jacob seemed to think that it was most likely a malfunction, but he still seemed to want to look into it. The conversation had waxed familial, and Taylor revealed that his relationship with his father had been less than cordial. Clearly, this was the "closure" that Jacob had been referring to getting earlier.

"I think we can spare the time," Shepard told him. "Pass the coordinates to Joker."

"I appreciate that, Commander. I don't expect more than dusty old bones, but it'll be good to close the record."

Now, two of the crew needed help with personal matters. Miranda was special; there was very little that he would not do for her. Jacob was another matter; he did not mind, but it really had nothing to do with their mission. As the Illusive Man still had not found a way though the Omega-4 Relay, Shepard felt that they could spare the time and resources, but once they had a way through, he would have to curtail any further personal missions.

Shepard had gone to see Jacob, leaving Miranda to her own devices. Her reports were long since done, the only new development being Shepard's consenting to help her with Ori. It was becoming more difficult for her to deny her feelings for the man, the old promise losing some of its pull on her. She fought it, but there was no denying that she had developed a bit of a crush on the commander, a crush that was threatening to become full blown affection.

"I promised," she said aloud, reprimanding herself. "Miranda Lawson does not break her promises.

But a promise to a man who, as far as she could tell, no longer existed? A man who may be dead? Was she truly beholden to it? When would she allow herself to love again? She wanted to start a family, but according to a cavalcade of doctors, benign neoplasm would prevent her from ever conceiving, so she had no time limit on how long she could wait, but at thirty six, Miranda was not particularly young, and her line of work did not lend itself to forming meaningful relationships. Shepard was here, now. Nobody would hold it against her if she pursued him. But John … her John … no, she decided. She had to remain strong.

That was when Jacob entered. Having had his conversation with Shepard, he now sought an audience with Miranda. He entered her cabin, walking in like he owned the place. Jacob was a decent man, but she hated his fixation on her. No meant no, and not interested meant not interested. Why could he not understand that?

"I prefer you to ring the buzzer or knock," she admonished.

"Do you make Shepard ring the buzzer or knock?" There was an edge to his words.

"I don't have to," she replied calmly. "He always does. Now, what can I do for you?"

"Come on, Miranda! We've been dancing around this for almost two years now, and …"

"No, Jacob," she corrected. "I've told you repeatedly how I feel. There's been no dancing around anything."

"Don't give me that," Jacob protested. "You always talk about that promise you made, but Shepard comes along, and you're making eyes at him and …"

Miranda stood abruptly. "I said no!" She could feel her biotics crackling to life, and sensed a shift in Jacob's aura as well. Two biotic operatives going at it in an enclosed space was not a good thing for the ship, but if it proved unavoidable, she would do it.

"Alright, Miranda," he said calmly, bringing down his biotic energy. "I get it … you're pushing me away. But this isn't over. You're here, I'm here."

"Get out."

Jacob did as she asked, the door swishing as it closed behind him. She checked the hall cameras to see that he truly had left, and had taken the lift back to the CIC, and when she was certain that he had, she broke down crying. She was falling in love with a man she knew she could not have, and being stalked by a man she did not want, all with the fate of the galaxy at stake. This was too much.