I'm alone now, it's past three in the morning. The house is dark, the only light shining is in my private bath, just off the suite Nikolas had assigned to me upon moving into Wyndamere. The box is sitting in front of me, the paper torn away, the applicator lying on the cold grey marble counter. I've picked it up so many times, trying to convince myself to just get it over. Looking at the stupid piece of plastic, I couldn't understand why I was so scared of it. Oh, yeah, there is the whole change-of-life factor…
"Lulu?" I hear Nikolas call to me. His voice is groggy, clearly still half asleep. "Where are you?"
"I'm coming," I yell, tucking the test back in the box and hiding it beneath a towel in the armoire. "What are you still doing up?"
"I should ask you the same thing. Here, phone," he replies, handing me the cordless and wiping his eyes. I watch him pad off before putting the phone up to my mouth.
"Hello?"
"Lesley Lu."
"Dad, do you have any idea what time it is? Where are you?"
"It's 9 a.m., pumpkin. At least here in London," he replies in a false English accent. "Look, just wanted to check in. I talked to Tracey and she told me that you were staying with that Cassadine spawn you call your brother."
"You're checking up on me?" I ask skeptically.
"Don't make a big deal out of it."
"I'm fine, I just couldn't take any more of the Quartermaines bickering."
"Are you sure that it doesn't have anything to do with what you were talking to me about on the docks?"
"I'm fine," I repeat.
"Gotta run, pumpkin. Take care of yourself, I'll check in when I can," he says before he disconnects.
Grinning to myself at my father's random reappearance in my life, I push the end button and hold the phone to my heart. Looking to the sky, I thank my mother for sending him to me. I know that somehow, her spirit is watching over me. Though she is still on this earth, her spirit was always far too strong to just sit idle inside her vacant body.
Returning to the bathroom, I suddenly feel the confidence to take the test. I know that no matter what the result is, I'm not alone in the world. With my mother watching over me, I have the strength to do this. If it comes out positive, I will be a good mother. A damn good mother. Nikolas, Lucky and Elizabeth will all help me. I'm sure my grandmother and Aunt Bobbie will even chip in. Maybe it will finally be what gets my father to settle down…yeah, right. And if it comes out negative, no one will be any the wiser. Either way, I can do this, and I'm going to do this…
Three minutes later, my confident high has subsided substantially. Rereading the directions for the twelfth time, I wait for the electronic ding of the alarm on my cell phone. Even after it has come and gone, I'm still there with the useless piece of paper in my hands. I'm afraid to turn the applicator over. Pink for yes, blue for no. I'm half hoping that it's purple, that way I can delay the inevitable and remain ignorant to the truth.
"You have to do this, Lu," I tell myself in the mirror.
Ten more minutes later, the applicator is still on the counter. I'm on the floor in the corner, as far away from that thing as I can get in this room. My hair splayed across the cool floor, I've pulled a towel out of a drawer to cover up with. I know that the longer I prolong it, the harder it will be. It just seems like I should take my time with this. The answer to this unspoken question has the power to not only change my life but to also create a life. A life that would forever keep me connected to Dillon.
Rushing out of the bathroom, I search for my bag. Pulling out my beloved red calendar, I grab and pen and head back to my spot in the bathroom. I tear out a page, making two columns. I'm trying to be rational here, weighing the pros against the cons. Like someone once said, I have to know how I feel about it before I find out. Maybe it was on Friends or something, either way, it applies.
Reasons for having the baby: the child would be loved by both his or her parents, regardless of how we feel about each other; it would give me a connection that no one could break; Dillon would make an amazing father; maybe Dillon would forgive me; maybe we would have a life together.
I look at the last three reasons and realize how selfish they sound. It can't be about my feelings for Dillon, it has to be about the love of our child. I truly believe that we could do this, whether we are together or not. Being a part of John's life has shown me that I want to be a mother, although I hadn't planned on it being for a number of years. But since life is what happens when you're off making plans, maybe this is how it was supposed to be.
Reasons for not having the baby: we're both young and financially dependent on our families; we're not married, in love, dating or even friends at the moment; his family is crazy; my family is crazy; Georgie.
With both columns fairly equal, I don't know which outcome I'm hoping for. Trembling, I go back into my bedroom to retrieve a few things. Sitting on the floor in the bathroom, I place the box of condoms on my left side and the baby book on the right. I set the applicator on the rug in front of me, face down so that I can't see the results. I say a silent prayer, whispering words that I will never share with anyone in the world. As they come from my mouth, I know what I am wishing for. Looking on either side of me and down at the applicator, I reach for the final object I'd brought a long – the photograph of Dillon and me.
I close my eyes and pick up the applicator. Turning it over in my hand, I see my future clearly through the tiny window before me.