Because we all know he has one. Seriously, where do you think all the liquor hidden around his room came from? Probably a bit unrealistic (at times), but his is Scotty we're talking about, he can change the laws of physics (with Spock's help, even though he says he can't). And yes, I realize half the stuff is probably as illegal in the future as it is now, sue me why don't you? Remember to review!
Rule #46: Mr. Scott does not have a personal still. Such a still is not located on Deck 10 at the end of a service Jefferies tube. Don't go looking for it.
Rule #47: Even if he did, he would not share the liquor with you. Nor would he sell it to you for fifteen credits a bottle.
It was an old habit for the Scotsman. With each new assignment, he followed an old check list of his to make his move easier. The three most important steps on this check list were as follows:
1. Meet his new crew. Let those who needed to know who was in charge know that he was in charge, and would not tolerate and usurpers
2. Unpack and set up his room. This included finding hiding places for his excess supply. Once finished, he would play his bagpipes to let his neighbors know he owned a set, and what would happen should they get on his nerves
3. Explore and memorize every inch of his home-away-from-home, the Engineering Section (granted this took some time)
4. Find a good hiding spot for it
Scotty, like (most) everyone else, always brought his own stash of alcohol on his assignments, but considering he was often away from places he could restock for months on end, people always came to him to have a drink because they knew he had some (extra), and the stuff the replicators produced was, quote, "absolute bloody crap", end quote, Scotty needed his own readily available source to keep up his stock.
This meant he needed a still of some sort. Luckily, he was an Engineer; better than that, a Scottish Engineer. It wasn't in the job description, but Scotty could build one easily.
So, using his exploration of Engineering and the ship as his cover, Scotty set out to find the perfect place for it. He tossed the idea of setting it up in his own quarters and his office out the air-lock days before stepping foot on the Enterprise (bad past experience), and he needed the perfect spot so no one who might get him in trouble could find it. It couldn't be easy to get to, however it couldn't be hard either so he could get to it in times of emergency.
However after searching for days, Scotty was no closer to finding a place for it than he was when he started. All the places he had found so far weren't good enough, and he was running out of ship and Engineering to explore, and places to look.
"Tha' by-pass needs to be replaced," Scotty said to no one in particular. He was inspecting a service tube on Deck 10, one of the last areas he hadn't been to yet on the Enterprise. He continued down the tube, inspecting various electronics as he went along. He looked up, and noticed a side passageway. Curious, Scotty crawled down the dimly lit passage, and almost fell into the tiny room it opened up into.
The room was probably meant for storage, but Scotty thought of something else.
"Perfect," he whispered.
And perfect it was. The room was at the end of a rarely used Jefferies Tube, and there was a way to access a nearby power coil. Not only that, but with a simple cut into the bulkhead, there was access to the ventilation system. He could even store a few supplies.
Within two days, Scotty had it all set up, and was starting his first batch. It would take some time to work out the kinks, but he had a five-year deep space mission ahead of him. He had time.
Good thing too, because the still decided to spontaneously combust during production of the second batch. Scotty managed to cover that up pretty easily.
As time passed, other members of the crew began to wonder how Scotty did it. Whenever there was a gathering of some sort, onboard or off, Scotty would almost always show up with a bottle of something, normally scotch, under his arm to present to the host, or just for people to enjoy. He even gave away a few as gifts. Yet his supply of alcohol never seemed to diminish. Some of his engineers also wondered why their Chief Engineer would, every few days, travel down the same rarely used access Jefferies Tube on Deck 10. There wasn't anything important down there…
…Was there?
It took a while for anyone to discover Scotty's secret; and the first person to do so was, strangely enough, one Ensign Pavel Chekov. Scotty wasn't sure why the Ensign was poking around the Jefferies Tubes (he claimed to be lost), but whatever the reason, Scotty made Chekov swear on Motherland Russia he would never tell a soul about it. Chekov did, but not before striking a deal with Scotty to use it to make vodka every once in a while. Scotty reluctantly agreed, and a week later, Chekov tested his first batch.
Crew members could always tell, even if they didn't know, when Chekov was making vodka because the Russian and the Scot would argue even more over which was better: vodka or scotch. Once when they asked Dr. McCoy for a third opinion, the doctor chose to be neutral and say bourbon. Neither side was amused with the answer.
However, it didn't take long for Scotty to regret letting Chekov in on his secret. A crewman came up to Scotty on his off period, asking to buy some scotch. Scotty explained he had a limited supply, when the crewman said Chekov had sold a friend a bottle for fifteen credits. Luckily for Scotty, Chekov was off duty as well. Unluckily for Chekov, he was off duty. After almost throttling the Russian into the wall, the Scot had him swear on all that was Russian, and added the threat of death by claymore for good measure, to never do something like that again. Chekov did, and avoided Scotty for the next week.
However, at the end of the week, Scotty tracked down Chekov on their off period, and apologized, much to Chekov's surprise. What he failed to mention that others had come to him since and had also asked for a bottle of something; and Scotty gave them a bottle of something. The cost: fifteen credits, and the threat of death by claymore should anyone find out.
And few did, except for whispered rumors. It took a while for Chekov to find out, but it took a little longer for Captain Kirk to finally get his proof.
Scotty entered the Captain's quarters. "Ye asked to see me, Capt'n?"
"Yes, Mr. Scott, I did," Kirk said.
Scotty stiffened. It normally wasn't a good thing when the Captain called him 'Mr. Scott'. "Wha' is it, sir?"
"Two things, actually."
"Aye, wha' are they?"
"I've been told you've been spending a lot of time in a particular Jefferies' Tube on Deck 10," Kirk said. "Though from what I can tell, there is nothing of importance down there that would require you to make frequent visits."
"Uh…" Scotty struggled for words. "A few of the conduits down there 'aven't been workin' right. I fix one, an' a day later another goes."
"I see," Kirk said. "And that's all it is?"
"Aye…"
"Now, for the second thing."
"Aye, Capt'n?"
"I hear you have an excellent selection of scotch."
Scotty turned pale. "I'm sorry, sir!" he cried. "I'll take it apart right away! I should'a never…"
"What are you talking about?" Kirk asked.
Scotty's jaw dropped. "Ye mean… ye dinnae kin, sir?"
Kirk shook his head.
Scotty's hand flew to his forehead. "Then I… aw for th' love of…!"
Kirk ignored the stream of expletives that flew from the Scotsman's mouth. "Actually, Scotty," he said finally. "I was going to ask you if I could have a bottle of something to give to my cousin as a birthday gift, since we're stopping by Star Base 29. However, this begs the question of what are you talking about?"
Scotty quickly told the Captain about the still at the end of the Jefferies' Tube, Chekov and his vodka, and how he accidentally started an illegal underground liquor business on the Enterprise. When he was done, Kirk was silent for a few moments, and Scotty was breathless.
"I've heard rumors of a still on my ship," Kirk finally said. "And quite frankly, I've been curious about them. Somehow I'm not surprised that it was you, Scott."
"I'll take it apart, sir," Scotty mumbled. "Jus', please don' report it, or Chekov, it wasn't 'is fault. I didn'…"
"I'm not going to report anything, Scotty," Kirk said. "And you can keep your still. Just as long as you limit production, and I get a free supply. I any word of this whole thing gets off this ship, we're both screwed. Got it?"
Scotty was stunned for a few seconds, and then grinned. "Aye, Capt'n, will do!"
This is my longest Reason to date, aren't you guys lucky? Don't think they'll always be this long. Also, these will go back to being on Wednesdays next week.