"I've Imagined it All"
Part 10
At times, she could feel an intoxicating buzz in the LA atmosphere, but most often Santana blamed that on not getting enough sleep. She had moved out to LA three months ago. Brittany had decided to take a break from auditions and dance classes for Santana's first two weeks in LA. They'd gone by the usual tourist haunts - the Hollywood sign, the Chinese Theater, an expensive night of drinks and celeb hobnobbing at Chateau Marmont. Despite Brittany having lived in LA for almost a year, Santana had never been out to visit her. She'd been too caught up in her senior recital and graduation, plus she knew she'd be living with Brittany soon enough. Their first weeks living together had been pure bliss, both public and private.
But eventually Brittany had to get back to her auditions and Santana had to pick up a job. The labels weren't throwing record contracts at her yet. She found a part-time job waiting tables at a restaurant not far from their apartment and a weekly gig at a jazz club, singing and playing the piano.
Her first night at the club, Brittany sat a table halfway back from the stage with a few other dancers. Though Santana was just getting her start, Brittany had already made appearances in more music videos than Santana could count. This night, while Santana was celebrating her first professional gig, Brittany was celebrating her first contract to choreograph.
Each new song brought hoots and hollers from Brittany and her boisterous crew. As the gig ended, Santana finally acknowledged them. "This last one's an original and it goes out to my girlfriend, who's in the audience tonight."
Notes echoed from the piano as Santana locked eyes with Brittany in the audience and smiled. Looking into those eyes, for a moment, she felt she would never need anything else. For a moment.
…..
The Record of the Year award was quietly doled out while Santana posed backstage for pictures. All the better, in her mind. The performance was the only reason for the nerves to be coursing through her body at this point. At least during the performance she wouldn't have to wrestle with what to say or who to mention in a thank you speech.
Her manager joined her in the performer's dressing room backstage, where she began to warm up her voice. He was like a father doting on a sick daughter. Between scales, he encouraged her to drink the tea he'd brought, or he lightly patted her arm, hoping to calm her nerves, or his nerves, or both. Neither one had to mention the significance of the performance. Santana hadn't performed in front of a live audience in months and her last shows that she had performed had been absolute disasters. When the warm up was complete, instead of talking about nerves, the room fell silent.
Santana closed her eyes and took deep breaths.
"Ms. Lopez, you're on in five."
Her manager took her hand and helped her stand.
He wrapped her in a tight hug and whispered into the top of her hair, "Sing it for her." Santana pushed back and looked up into his eyes. He had never mentioned Brittany. She struggled to think of time when she had ever mentioned Brittany to him. Her heart raced. All this time, the warm ups had been just as much about getting Brittany out of her mind as they were about getting her voice ready.
Before she knew it, she was center-stage sitting at her favorite piano, eyes closed though it didn't matter, the whole auditorium was wrapped in darkness. Across the stage, she heard a spotlight flick on and two actors announcing her name.
She fought to steel herself, wrestled to slow her heart and steady her hands. The auditorium sat quiet, spotlight still across stage on the actors. Any more time wasted and the dull murmur of the audience would grow into a concerned hum.
Trembling fingers tentatively pressed into the first chord. Then the second, the third. She felt tears begin to well in her eyes. As the spotlight pitched center-stage, her voice wavered:
You've been on my mind
I grow fonder every day
Lose myself in time
Just thinking of your face
God only knows
Why it's taken me so long
To let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want
I don't know why I'm scared
I've been here before
Every feeling, every word
I've imagined it all
Her stomach clenched and a tear rolled down her cheek. She closed her eyes again.
You'll never know
If you never try
To forget your past
And simply be mine
As she held the last note, her voice broke with emotion. Pushing through, she powerfully began the chorus as the drums and organ kicked in behind her.
I dare you to let me be your
Your one and only
Promise I'm worthy
To hold it your arms
So come on and give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts
Her face was glistening with tears in the artificial light of the stage.
If I've been on your mind
You hang on every word I say
Lose yourself in time
At the mention of my name
Will I ever know
How it feels to hold you close
And have you tell me
Whichever road I choose you'll go
I don't know why I'm scared
Cause I've been here before
Every feeling every word
I've imagined it all
You'll never know
if you never try
To forget your past
And simply be mine
As she held out the last note, she opened her eyes. She could imagine blue eyes boring into her from the side of the stage, where Brittany had stood so many times through the tour. She caught those eyes in her own, determined to hold the gaze, something she'd never been able to do on stage before. Again her voice broke with the last note as she ripped into the chorus with renewed vigor.
I dare you to let me be
Your one and only
I promise I'm worthy
To hold in your arms
So come on and give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts
At the piano solo, she found herself staring into dark emptiness backstage. Her chest heaved as she tried to catch her breath. Curtains at the back of the stage lifted, giving way to a choir clad in gold robes. Their voices started slowly, quietly, melodically as she continued to slowly pound the keys on the piano.
I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart
I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart
Nobody's perfect
I know it ain't easy
Trust me I've learned it
Giving up your heart
Nobody's perfect
I know it ain't easy
Trust me I've learned it
GIving up your heart
As the choir swelled, Santana closed her eyes, lost in the saturation of the choir's collective voice. At every other line, she cut through with a wrenching ad-lib of one of the lyrics, voice rupturing, tears again streaming down her face.
Nobody's perfect
I know it ain't easy
Trust me I've learned it
Giving up your heart
Nobody's perfect
I know it ain't easy
Trust me I've learned it
GIving up your heart
As the key changed, Santana felt like she was floating, above the crowd and the choir, amidst the stars, carried away. Her mind let go. She was back in her childhood bedroom, brooding, singing into her hairbrush, bent over at the waist and fist clenched as she tore into another love song.
So I dare you,
I dare you, baby
let me be your
your one and only
Promise I'm worthy
To hold in your arms
So come on and give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts
Come on and give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts
Before she could open her eyes or hear the applause, before she could say thank you or wipe the tears from her eyes, she lifted her hand from the piano to her chest, attempting to hold her heart in one place. Leaning into the microphone, her voice cracked, "I love you, Brittany."
Inhaling deeply she turned, awakened by roaring applause and the audience already on their feet.