Chapter 10- She Said
I had no more than showered when the door alerted me to someone's presence. I answered it and Uhura took one look at me and burst out laughing. It took some doing and lots of experimentation, but I figured out how to make customized pajamas from the replicator. Tonight I wore a two piece light blue set covered with teddy bears dressed as clowns. Perhaps only McCoy knew that despite my sometimes uptight professionalism, I actually had an offbeat sense of humor. You had to laugh in this job to keep from going crazy yourself.
"Too cute!" she gasped wiping her eyes. "I was going to ask if you were busy, but obviously…" she gestured to my attire and cracked up again.
"Glad I could be a source of amusement. Get in here before someone else sees me." I smiled. Not that I really cared, but it might make it harder for that person to take me seriously should they need an exam. It would be difficult to concentrate if they pictured me sitting across from them not in my austere uniform, but my dancing bear pajamas.
She accepted my invitation and kind of stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, twisting her fingers in a nervous manner. "Really, I am not disturbing you am I?" She asked worried. "I know you are off duty and I should come and see you during our shift, but I couldn't think of a way to get off the bridge without anyone knowing."
I pulled out my desk chair for her to sit in and replied, "I understand and believe me, I do not mind. There really is no such thing as office hours for me, but I wouldn't have it any other way. You are always welcome here."
She sat with a smile and said, "So you are nothing like McCoy despite hanging around him so much. He would yell at me if I bothered him now."
"No, my personality was formed well before we met and it is unlikely that it will change no matter how long I work with him." I sighed sitting on the bed across from her. "He may come off as cranky, but believe me he would be irate if you didn't tell him you were sick right away. Just ask the Captain how well avoiding him works out in the end." I leaned back casually, propping myself up with my arms extended behind me. "So, what brings you in?" As if I didn't already know, but in this game you never show your cards.
"I know that while we are on leave I talked with you, but now that we are all back on duty, is there anyway anyone could find out what we talk about?" She was so apprehensive and guarded. Trust did not come easy for her.
"Here is how it works, Uhura," I explained, "Any time you talk to me it is absolutely confidential and I tell no one about anything you say. There are only two exceptions: if it has some kind of medical implication I have to tell McCoy and if it somehow impairs your ability to carry out your duties I tell the Captain, but it stops with them. Even then, the details I provide would be on a strict need-to-know basis. They are not at liberty to discuss anything I tell them with anyone else without your permission."
She nodded slowly before asking, "But what if Jim leaves Spock in charge? Do you have to tell him if he is the acting Captain?"
I gave her a small smile. "Is this about Spock?" I asked quietly.
She shifted in her chair and looked at the floor. She shook her head for what seemed minutes before she muttered, "I didn't want it to happen that way."
"What happened?" I asked softly.
She sighed heavily. "Last night after dinner I went back to my quarters and someone came to my door. I thought it would be Spock because he usually comes by to say goodnight, but it was Scotty. He brought some of his Scotch he smuggled onboard and we had a drink. And then two. And then I don't know how many. We were laughing and having a good time, and then it was so strange, but we just kissed each other. I don't know what the hell I was thinking, I mean Scotty and I have been spending more time together, but it wasn't like that." She took a deep breath and seemed to hold it. "I was so shocked, I didn't hear the door. Spock must have overridden the code, it really isn't unusual that I am sometimes in the shower when he stops by and he has always just let himself in. The look on his face…oh God!" She moaned drooping her head in her hands.
I actually winced. How do you explain something like that away? "Have you talked to him since?" I ventured.
"I tried, but he just completely shut himself off from me. Working so close with him was really hard today. We couldn't even look at each other. What would I say? 'It's not what it looked like?' He knew. I think he always suspected. I am just not as good at hiding as he is. And I thought it was really going to work." She sounded so sad.
"You thought what would work?" I questioned.
"When you, Bones and Chekov went to Chicago, I convinced Spock to go to Death Valley." I raised my eyebrows. "It is the closest thing on Earth to what Vulcan was like. I thought it would be nice to approximate home for him." She shrugged. "Anyway, I talked to him like you said and told him that I needed him to try harder. I felt like I was the one doing all of the work and I wasn't asking for huge displays of affection, but I just needed a little more. I thought he would argue and rationalize, but he didn't. I knew it would be hard for him, but he said he would try if it made me happy. You know what he did our last day there?" Her eyes welled with tears and they spilled onto her cheeks. "He picked a Bluebonnet for me. You should have seen him, he was so uncomfortable standing there staring at the ground while holding out the tiny flower to me. It was the most precious thing ever. And now this…" Her tears flowed in a steady stream and dripped into a pool on her lap.
I reached forward and placed my hand on her knee and she sobbed harder. I just let her cry while I thought of something helpful to say, but nothing came to mind. She obviously felt horrible for what seemed like an accident. Sometimes it was my job to just listen and sometimes I had to be the voice of reason who could see the forest for the trees. I just needed to know where she stood. "Uhura," I said rubbing her knee, "if you could snap your fingers and make this all go away, where did you see your relationship with Spock going?"
She calmed herself and wiped her face before turning her large brown eyes to me. "Honestly," she replied in a low voice, "I don't know. He said he would try and I believe him, but in the end, I am not sure that he would have been able to give as much as I needed. I feel so selfish for saying that, but that is how I feel."
"That doesn't sound selfish." I encouraged. "Just because Spock may not have been able to fulfill all of your needs doesn't make him a bad person, and knowing yourself and your desires as well as his limitations does not make you selfish. The both of you are good people who deserve to find happiness, ultimately it just won't be with each other."
"I know." She sniffed. "It isn't really me I am worried about. I will get through and move on, but what about him? He is probably so crushed. He took a chance on me and I let him down."
"No doubt he was hurt," I admitted not wanting to tell her what I saw earlier, "but he will survive. He is not made of glass nor is he fragile. He will recover and yes he will be smarting for awhile, but he had a deep and rich experience that he will not forget." I patted her leg and smiled. "I am not minimizing your importance to him, but the man did lose his entire planet. If he was able to cope with that, he will live through this. He is very resilient."
She laughed. "Yeah, I guess this is small potatoes compared to that." She smiled softly and added, "I just wish I could tell him my side of the story so maybe it wouldn't hurt so much."
"Well, right now just seeing you will be painful. I know that your heart is in the right place, Uhura, but if you really want to help him the best thing you can do is keep your distance and let him have time to heal before you approach him. Maybe sometime in the future you will be able to tell him the truth when he can handle it, and who knows? The two of you may be able to make it a private joke, but for now what would help him most is if you kept your interactions at a minimum and professional in nature." I advised.
"He would probably find the formality comforting." She agreed.
I nodded just as my door rang again. I excused myself and answered it to see the devil at my doorstep. He seemed momentarily startled by my pajamas. "Are you available, Dr. Collins?" Spock asked standing at attention. He looked past me and spotted Uhura and I swore he went pale.
"I was just leaving." She said demurely as she stood up. He stepped aside slightly to let her pass and looked at the floor. "Goodnight, Commander." She said pausing in front of him. He pursed his lips, but otherwise did not respond. She gave a slight sigh before looking to me. "Goodnight, Dr. Collins."
"Goodnight, Uhura." I replied waving at her as she walked quickly down the hall with her head hung. Her shoulders shook slightly as she tied to hold back a new wave of tears until she got far enough away from Spock. I gestured for him to enter and watched as he stood stiffly in the center of the room just as Uhura did.
Round 2. Let's get it on!