"I've got it," Melissa announced as she burst cheerfully through the basement door.
"No offense," Kelso laughed, "but, how can you 'have it' when your only talent is wolfing down a million hamburgers. If anyone has anything, it's me."
She rolled her eyes and gave a dismissive gesture as she wedged herself between Eric and Donna. "You guys know about the Spring Fling dance that's going on next weekend, right?"
Donna nodded. "Yeah, it's Saturday."
"And we all know I'm destined to win Spring Fling Queen," Jackie gushed before turning to glare at Donna. "Donna, you had better be there to see them give me my gold tiara."
"Jackie, you do realize that tiara is plastic, right?"
"Yeah so, I'll still be queen, and all you'll have at the end of the night is your growing admiration of me. Don't ruin my dream just because you're jealous of my popularity."
"Okay, like I care that you're queen of a spleen or whatever it is," Melissa interrupted. "Anyway, Peter asked me to the dance during first period this morning!"
"Fascinating, and your point is?" Steven raised a brow.
"Don't you get it?" Melissa sang excitedly, bouncing slightly in anticipation.
"That you're a math lovin' loon, who needs a straight jacket," Eric quickly replied, which resulted in Donna slapping his arm.
"That it will be the most romantic night of my life," Melissa beamed.
Steven groaned. "Just talking about romance makes me want to barf."
"After the dance, I'm going to proclaim my love to Peter," Melissa sighed, drifting off to her fairytale, magical night with the man she loved.
"Whoa!" Eric exclaimed. "Wait, I thought…gross!"
"You promised," Donna wailed. "You promised you were going wait."
"Hey," Melissa protested, holding up her index finger. "I never promised anything. I don't make promises I can't keep."
"Ah," Jackie snarled. "You sound just sounded like me. I don't know if I should be flattered or mentally disturbed." She clasped her hands together, pleased. "My profound wisdom and beauty has led another poor hobo to find her voice. I've done my charity work for the day."
"Look guys," Melissa explained, "I've thought about this a lot. I really love Peter, and he really loves me. I think we're the perfect match."
"You two are, like, complete opposites," Eric squealed. "He's, like, popular and...ummm...you're like not. You can't get any more opposite than that."
Melissa shook her head stubbornly. "I appreciate your sudden concern for me, but like I said this is my decision, and nothing you could say or do is going to change my mind about this."
Donna sighed. "I really wish you would think about this more."
"I have," she smiled, "and I think I'm in love."
Donna threw her hands up, surrendering. "That's it. Hyde, you talk to her."
A clear look of disdain was seen behind Steven's dark sunglasses. "Me? Why can't Bob do it? Did he tell her the stork story yet?"
"She may actually listen to you," Donna persisted, ignoring his unwillingness to comply.
"Hello," Melissa interrupted. "I'm still in the room. Donna, I thought we discussed this?"
Steven huffed in aggravation, folded his arms across his chest, and remained silent a moment. He turned to Melissa, his lips pursed so tightly that his mouth was barely visible.
"Melissa," he began as sternly as possible, trying to convey absolute seriousness, "If you go through with this…I'm going to kick Peter in the nads. Then I'll dethrone Kelso, and force you to wear the Stupid Helmet." Steven mentally slapped himself for sounding so unrealistic.
Melissa stared at him, looking as though she were a deer in the headlights of an on-coming vehicle and then burst into laughter. "For a minute there, I thought you were really mad!"
"That's it?" Eric questioned, looking at Hyde baffled. "That's all you've got to say?"
"Whatever, man," Steven shrugged. "You wanted me to talk to her, so I did."
He stood, shoved his hands in his pockets, and walked toward the door.
"Where are you off to?" Melissa questioned, though she didn't sound like she had any interest in his response.
He stopped and slightly turned in her direction. "I need to unwind. I'm going to unwind."
Jackie grinned, standing to her feet. "Oh, can I come?"
"Let me think…Uh, the word 'no' comes to mind," he replied, opening the door.
"Steven," she laughed. "You know that if you're going to a party it's not a party until I'm there. No one can truly say they've had a party until I walk through the door."
"Whatever," he shrugged.
Hyde knew there wasn't any point to argue with her. Jackie would still manage to follow him. She had never been one to leave him be, not when she knew his current state of mind. Steven didn't view Jackie to be the caring kind and suspected that she was up to scandalous activity.
He stared at her a moment as she walked passed him. She was grinning as if she knew he wouldn't say anything to convince her to stay in Eric's basement. Steven groaned, dragging his feet, and slamming the door behind them.
Sitting on the counter of the Fotohut, splitting his stash with his mindless boss and a regrettably intoxicated, loud-mouthed cheerleader, wasn't exactly Steven's idea of winding down, but it was inexpensive way to calm his thoughts. He wouldn't remember the conversations in a few hours anyway.
"So, your school's having a dance," Leo laughed, nodding for no particular purpose. "I went to a dance once, but there was a lot of dancing, and I can't dance, man, man…Dude, I just said 'man' twice, man…Dude, I just did it again, dude!"
"I don't like Peter," Steven furrowed his brow. "He's the Yoko Ono of our band, man…"
"I didn't know you, that guy, that other dumb guy, that red-headed girl, and the stalker chick had a band," Leo chuckled. He cast a disturbed look in Jackie's direction as she laughed hysterically over nothing. "That's totally cool, dude. I just hope loud girl isn't the lead singer. Look at her, man. She's one egg short of a coo-coo's nest."
"He's alienated his way into our circle with his clever lines and fake compassion," Steven rambled on. "When I find the one who let him in, I'm gonna kick his ass." He paused a moment for dramatic effect, but then shunned himself. "Wait…I'm the one who let him in."
"Oh, Steven," Jackie roared with laughter. "You're not in a band. You're such a horrible singer." She paused briefly, gasping. "You should take me to the dance! You'll be the envy of every guy there. You'll be with the Spring Fling Queen….What does Queen of a Spleen even mean? Why would I want to be a queen of something that useless?"
"No way, man," Steven shook his head. "Dances are lame. The school system applauds the idea of having no social rankings by allowing students to congregate under one roof. Rebels can never co-exist with the jocks. I refuse to take part in that lame-ass hypocrisy of co-existence, man."
Jackie laughed again. "Steven, schools aren't allowed to have hippos. Wait, maybe they can. They do have Melissa." She nearly fell to the floor, laughing at her on joke. "Melissa's fat. She looks like a huge, giant, fat person!"
"You should go to the dance, man," Leo urged. "I went to a dance once. It was fun until the homeowners came home. I don't think they liked the dancing that went on in their bedroom, man."
"There's no way I'm going to that dance," he said adamantly. "It's like selling my soul to Satan, and I'm not talking about Forman's sister."
"Please," Jackie begged, following Steven as he stomped toward the gang's usual table. Eric, Donna, Fez, and Kelso had already arrived and turned to stare at the two bickering teens that had come to join them.
"No," he growled, taking a seat.
"Please, I can't win Spring Fling Queen without a date."
"Sure you can. You eat alone, sleep alone, I'm sure you can handle a tiara alone."
"That's not the point. You're going. End of story."
"Looks like somebody's got himself a date," Eric snickered.
"No, I don't," Steven retorted firmly. "I'm not going."
"C'mon, Hyde," Donna coaxed. "It'll be fun. I'm going with Casey."
"Yeah, well, I'm going with Paulette," Eric quickly added.
Jackie arched a brow. "Who's Paulette?"
"A-a girl in gym class," he replied, slightly stuttering.
Fez gave him a questioning look as he sat down his cup. "But, Eric there is not a girl in our gym class named Paulette."
"Yeah," Kelso nodded. " Fez is right. I know every hot girl in our class by name and phone number, so if there is a Paulette then she must be an uggo. I've never heard of her."
"Did I say she was in our gym glass?" Eric laughed nervously. "I meant she was in our gym class last year. She moved to Kenosha, but she's coming back to go to the dance with me because she's my date."
Steven chuckled at Eric's desperate attempt to make Donna jealous. "Yeah, keep telling yourself that, Forman."
Donna laughed, shaking her head.
"Steven, pick me up at seven on Saturday," Jackie ordered.
"I told you I'm not going," Steven sighed, annoyed that the attention was directed back to the imaginary date that wasn't going to happen.
"Oh, please," she rolled her eyes. "There are a million reasons why you should go to this thing, not only to escort the fabulously dressed me. You're paying Peter…"
Steven's eyes widened and the guys drew in ragged breaths.
Horrified, Jackie turned toward Donna. "I mean you're paying a lot of attention to Peter," she swiftly added. "Seeing as you think this guy can't be trusted, this would be the perfect opportunity for you to keep your eye on him."
"She does have a point," Fez nodded.
"Donna's her cousin. She can look after her."
"Yeah," Donna agreed, "but Melissa looks up to you for some reason."
"Don't go thinkin' I'm some night in shining armor that will go busting down hotel room doors to save two desperate morons from themselves. 'Cus I'm not, okay?"
Jackie's eye's lit up. "So, you're going to go?" she beamed. "Be sure you shower. I'm not going with you if you smell like molded cheese and brush your hair and teeth. Don't wear a Led Zepplin, Aerosmith, Alice Cooper, or any other t-shirt. No sunglasses, either. You're going to be presentable."
Steven held up a firm index finger to her face. "The shades stay. Keep pushing it, Jackie, and you won't be going at all. If you even think about asking me to dance, you're going to be walking home."
"Oh, Steven," she laughed light-heartedly. "You're going to have to dance with me. I totally have to show off once I've won."
"No," he shook his head. He stared at her, pouting his lower lip a moment. "Fine," he sighed, "one dance. That's it."
"Awww," Donna cooed. "Hyde's going to a dance!"
"Yeah," he groaned, "against my will."
Jackie's eyes were wide in horror when she caught a glimpse of Melissa, who stood a good distance across from her. Melissa stood alone, her head bobbed to the music and the sounds of the others on the dance floor.
"Oh, my god, Donna," she shrilled, nudging her friend. "What is your cousin wearing? It looks like a giant disco ball!"
The specks of light from the actual disco ball hanging above the center of the gymnasium ricocheted off of Melissa's bright, blinding silver dress; thus, she did appear to be a disco ball.
"I know this is hard for you, Jackie," Donna hissed, "but just for tonight, do you think that you could be nice to her?"
She shrugged. "I guess, but I'm not saying I know her. That dress is horrible!"
She turned, smiling at her ruggedly-handsome date for the evening. "Steven, I noticed you're not wearing your sunglasses."
Steven glared at her, standing stiff in his neatly-tailored suit.
"Yeah," he nodded. "I figured this way no one will recognize me."
Hyde was basically a prop for Jackie as she pulled him across the gym. She was consistently promoting herself to get that last full hour of preparation before Spring Fling Queen was decided. They finally came to a halt at Melissa's table.
In her unique way, Steven had to admit that Melissa looked somewhat adorable. Her hair was curled, and the layer of blue eye shadow accentuated her abnormally captivating eyes. She turned to face him with thickly-glossed lips. She smiled, though not at him, but rather at Peter as he handed her a glass of punch.
Before he could control himself, Steven let a compliment escape his lips. "You look nice tonight, Missy."
She turned, slightly surprised by his abrupt politeness.
"Great, first I ditch my trademark shades, and now I'm giving out compliments," he shunned himself in a vague effort to hide embarrassment. "What the hell is wrong with me? I think I need a beer."
Jackie gasped. "Steven, you didn't tell me that I looked nice. This must be a sign, a bad omen…I'm not going to be crowned queen. I'm not dressed pretty enough. Tell me I'm look pretty, Steven!"
"Pipe down, chatter-box, of course you'll win. You've annoyed everyone into voting for you, including me," Steven reassured.
Melissa giggled. "You look very nice also, Hyde."
"Yeah," Peter grinned, putting his arm around his date. "You clean up nicely, dude."
"Whatever," Steven shrugged, slightly irritated.
"Well, I would've given Michael the privilege of escorting me," Jackie began as if she owed everyone an explanation, "but he decided to bring stupid Pam Macy." She gestured to Kelso and rolled her eyes. Everyone glanced in her direction and chuckled.
During Kelso's attempt to dance, he had somehow managed to tangle himself up in the paper streamers that hung from the ceiling. Pam had lost interest in him and began to walk away as he pleaded for assistance.
"Okay, c'mon Pam," Kelso cried. "That's not fair. I always help you out of your clothes. The least you could do is help me out of the freakin' streamers! Pam, come back!"
"Peter, dear," Melissa laughed, shaking her head, "maybe you should go help him."
He nodded. "Alright, just let me enjoy his stupidity for a few more minutes."
Steven turned to Jackie. "I'm going to be by the punch and crap, so if you call me I'll probably ignore you." He didn't wait for her to object and stalked off to the decorated table lined with refreshments.
Steven was seething as he watched Peter on the dance floor with Melissa. He had grown accustom to "Stevey," and Melissa had the gall to start referring to him by his last name. He couldn't grasp why that irked him more than the fact that Melissa had fallen in love with his scapegoat. He sighed and reached beneath his overcoat and pulled a silver flask from his interior pocket. He took a long swig and paused and he stared at it a moment then at the punch bowl. With a slight smirk, Steven dumped the remaining contents into the red liquid.
"Hyde, what are you doing?" Donna questioned, coming up behind him.
"What does it look like I'm doing?" he snapped, neurotically downing a cup of his concoction. "I'm spiking the punch. I have a feeling some bad things are gonna happen tonight, so I want to be too hung over and not remember."
"Being Jackie's date can't be that terrible tonight," she laughed. "She's actually treating you like you're a human being."
Steven stared at her a moment in silence. He admired her breathtaking essence. The silk lavender dress she wore stopped right above her knee. It moved with every enticing curve of her body as she walked. Her red hair hung loosely on her shoulder and her lips were a full crimson color. She had them slightly parted as if beckoning for Steven to capture them in a passionate kiss. He was tempted, but of course, what guy his age wasn't. Donna may have been the girl next door, but that didn't take away the fact that she was stunning in a dress.
He shook his head slightly to snap himself back into reality.
"Yeah, well," he groaned. "If I have to hear about her being queen of this freakin' dance one more time, I'm going to shove that tiara down her throat when she wins."
Donna laughed again. He seemed to be the same as usual only a little bit more discontent. She knew Jackie was part of the reason, but Melissa seemed to be what was most important. "Well," she grinned, "you know where to find me if you need a shoulder to cry on."
"Get bent," he growled, though a smirk formed, "and go dance with Forman, man. He's been eyeing you all night like a little lost puppy. It sickens me. Go put Old Yeller out of his misery."
Donna turned, her gaze fell on Eric.
He had been sitting at his table without a date.
"Okay," she sighed, turning back to Hyde. "But seriously if you need me just come find me."
He nodded and directed his attention back to Melissa and Peter.
Melissa had her arms wrapped around Peter's neck, lightly grazing the skin on the back of his neck with her finger tips.
"Can we get out of here before Jackie's announced queen?" she pleaded, looking deep into his eyes.
Peter chuckled. "Sure. Where do you want to go?"
She shuffled and cast her gaze to her feet. "Well, I…" she cleared her throat. "I got us a hotel room. If you want to go, that is."
Surprised by her forwardness, he raised a brow..
"Far out!" he grinned. "I mean, if you're sure that's what you want to do?"
Melissa looked up from the floor and smiled, "Totally."
"Almost have it….just about there…" Melissa panted. Peter groaned as another thud echoed into his ears. "...just one more time and that's it. Okay?" Her hair was damp with sweat as she drove her foot into the lock on the hotel room door.
"You know," he sighed, leaning against the outside railing, "if you want to do it so bad. We do have the back seat of my truck."
"My first time is not going to be in the backseat of a Toyota," she growled through gritted teeth, ramming the door again. "It's going to be romantic...perfect… Once we get in, it's going to be freakin' perfect!"
"Making love on bed sheets that smell like moldy cheese," he feigned enthusiasm, "that's a total fairy-tale ending."
She delivered one final Bruce Lee-style kick to the door. The wood split beneath the heel of her shoe and the lock gave way. The door violently swung open. Melissa smiled triumphantly and took a moment to catch her breath.
"After you," she sighed, turning to Peter.
"Finally," he groaned, not bothering to give her any thanks. Melissa followed behind him.
"Leave the door cracked," he suggested just as she was about to close it. "The last thing we need is to get locked in here."
She smirked. "Oh, I don't think that would be all bad."
Peter scowled and her smile faded.
She asked, "What if somebody walks in while we're in the middle of doing…stuff?"
"Who said we were going to be doing anything?" he inquired with a tense expression.
She glared at him confused and irate. "I thought you said…You mean after all that work you don't want to…You little…You little…"
Peter laughed, clutching her shoulders. "Dude, chill, I was just joking. I'll do anything you want to do."
Melissa sighed, smiling. "You'd better."
"You're so cute," he chuckled, placing his index finger under her chin and lowering his lips. Melissa closed her eyes. The sweet warmth of his breath on her lips caused her to melt within his sturdy embrace. Peter gently guided her across the shag carpet jungle to the bed. He refused to let her head fall upon the pillow without his hand beneath her.
The bed groaned in response to the commotion that was taking place on top of it; however, the two individuals seemed to take little heed to its warning. The thunderous racket increased and the slats at the foot of the bed collapsed.
"Oh my god," Melissa cried as she jolted up right. "What w…"
She was interrupted as the slats at the head of the bed buckled and sent the mattress plummeting to the floor. A bit frazzled, the pair stared at one another.
"Well, that was interesting," Peter burst into laughter, sliding closer to Melissa. He had barely given her enough time to register what had just occurred before he had positioned her for another breath-taking kiss. She was becoming uncomfortable by his assertiveness as her visions of a romantic evening were shattered.
Peter's free hand had worked its way up her thigh. Melissa wiggled as he tickled her stomach lightly with his finger tips. She tried to ignore the sensation, but she continued to squirm in an effort to move his hand in another direction as it worked its way up her body.
"Peter, quit tickling me." she giggled, finally breaking the kiss.
He looked down at her confused. "Tickling you? My hand's still on your leg."
She furrowed her brow and looked down to see a gigantic, three centimeter-long, brown blob, crawling its way up her chest.
"Cockroach! Huge, giant, ugly Cockroach!" she wailed in terror, leaping frantically up from the bed.
She continued slinging her arms about until she had slung the insect onto the bed. Peter raced to her aid while she continued to swat at herself and repeatedly scream the word "Cockroach" at the top of her lungs. Working quickly, he gathered the top of the bed sheets and threw them onto the floor. He stomped on them continuously until he had mashed them into the carpet.
He silently stared down at his Cockroach death trap. Melissa's heavy breathing and snorting echoed throughout the room. She shuffled across the room to join him.
"Did you kill it?" she asked, following Peter's gaze.
He shrugged. "I don't know. Do you want to check?"
Melissa shuttered at the thought. She placed her hand on her head and slowly sat back down on the sheet less mattress. She sat in silence, staring up at Peter with tears in her eyes. She sniffled.
"This isn't turning out like I planned," she snorted in an effort to prevent crying. "First, it's the mattress. Then, it's giant, ugly bugs. This night is supposed to be special, not disgusting."
"Wait," Peter arched a brow, "why do you want to bother sleeping with me if you find me so repulsing? Way to kick a guy when he's down."
Melissa glared at him. "This isn't funny," she cried, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I just wanted this to be special."
He chuckled, walked over, and took a seat next to her. "Look, honey," he began, taking her hand in between his. "I don't care about the bed, the door, or the bugs. As long as I'm with you, this night will always be special."
She smiled. "You mean that?"
Peter grinned, putting a hand on her cheek. "Yes—now, where were we?"
Melissa put her arms around his neck as he lowered her down on the bed. "Right about...here." She drew him into a passionate kiss.
Maybe her night was going to have a fairy-tale ending after all.