P/N: Thanks to all who reviewed and PMed. Annafan, I'm glad you enjoyed this. I can't help but disagree when you say Eowyn is the best woman in the book by a long shot...I would have to say that, in the book, Arwen is best. Simply because she is in there the least. But Eowyn is the best girl in the movie, though I still don't care for her much. Don't tell her that I said that though, or she might withdraw her defence from my book. Yes, Aragorn is horrible, but I can't agree that Faramir is much of an improvement. Though he's a lot more tolerable in the book than in the movie. He used to be one of my favourite characters before I watched the film. ScribeofHeroes, eowyn says thanks. It's so nice to be understood. And Grima completely understands what you mean. He realizes that he is getting a little old and...um...unattractive. And Eowyn is easy to get along with. He just does whatever she tells him to. He's such a puppet. If nothing else, she just tells him that doing what she wants is also known as proving his quality. But she begs you not to tell him about her little strategy. He might react for once in his life. Melkor'sOnlyLuietenant, I can't believe you think eowyn is cool, but whatever. She was flattered. And Aragorn is the jerkiest jerk you can get. Excepting maybe Faramir. CloveClove, see above, and yes, it was pretty awful of her to kill the Witch King. Unfortunately, I couldn't make her see that...she refused to explain why she did it. She said it went without saying. CrazyPPgirl, I'm afraid I can't give you Sauron's answer to your review. He's sulking in his room right now and wont let anyone in, answer texts, telephone, or e-mail, or talk to me when I shout through the key hole. He's just really depressed. And I'm glad you enjoy their ridiculous excuses. Boromir was rather indignant when I read him your review. He said he was always good...what's this about becoming good when he died? And no...please keep reviewing on the publisher's notes, everybody! I love getting feedback on them. Grima says that you're probably right about it's being Legolas's fault, but he still doesn't feel to charitable towards Gandalf. But who can blame him? It was Gandalf who got him thrown out of Edoras. And yeah, it kind of creeps me out too. Grima keeps assuring me he's not dead, but I don't know... Yes! I finally found someone who got it! OK, everybody. Epic reveal. The whole reason I got these random people to write defences for me was not so that everybody would start liking them, but to show how epically lame these characters actually are. When people started reviewing to say they loved Faramir I gaped. When they said they completely agreed with Grima and the rest, I burst out laughing. When you finally said that this didn't make you want to side with Eowyn, I all but jumped up and down in glee. Honestly, I thought all these defences were terribly lacking in common sense and logic. Oh well. Oh, and all that said, of all the people to write defences for me, I personally thought Eowyn had some of the best excuses. Lol. Though she did come across really annoying in my opinion. Oh, and by the way, everybody, do keep sending me those reviews anyways. As I said, they make me laugh, and my employees really appreciate them as well. :D Ccgaylord, I texted Faramir to ask him your question, but he hasn't gotten back to me. Don't know what's up. I'll let you know when I finally get an answer.
My employees sent me a very unusual defense today (honestly, what is the Secret Society of Surviving Orcs?) but I decided to post it anyways. If you find it too disturbing or conducive to nightmares, let me know and I may be able to edit it a bit.
Minutes of the board meeting of the Secret Society of Surviving Orcs. May 30, 2014.
Shagrat (president and head of Cirith Ungol branch): The meeting will now come to order.
Gorbag (treasurer): But I want some more punch!
Shagrat: You've already had enough, slug! I said the meeting will now come to order!
Grishnahk (secretary): We should put it to a vote!
Shagrat: No we shouldn't! I said the meeting will come to order and it will come to ORDER!
(Silence)
Shagrat: I wish to present to the board a job offer I received...
Gothmog (head of Morgul branch): Sauron is back?!
Shagrat: Will you just be quiet!
(Silence)
Shagrat: I have received a job offer from a person called OneSizeFitsAll. He wants us to right up a paper defending misunderstood orcs.
Gorbag: Like me. (sniffs)
Shagrat: I move that we put this matter to a vote.
Grishnakh: Yes, yes! A vote!
Ugluk (head of Orthanc branch): (cuffing Grishnakh) You're supposed to say 'I second the motion', filthy maggot!
Grishnakh: (sweetly like the sweet little orc that he is...(Ugluk cuffs him again and tells him to get on with it)) I second the motion.
Shagrat: All in favour of accepting this job offer say 'Aye'!
(The vote is carried unanimously.)
Gorbag: What are we supposed to defend them about?
Shagrat: You start, slug. Why did you steal my nice, shiny shirt?
Gorbag: (smiling unsweetly) Because it wasn't yours!
Shagrat: (grabbing sword) Since when do you tell me what's mine and what isn't?
Gothmog: Break it up boys!
Shagrat: Who's president of this society? You or me?
Gorbag: (glances over Grishnakh's shoulder and shrieks) You filthy centipede! How dare you say such a thing about me! (brandishes knife)
Gothmog: (holds him back and prevents the murder of the secretary)
Ugluk: What did he say?
Gorbag: (squealing) He said I smiled!
Grishnakh: (bravely) Well didn't you?
Gorbag: Of course not! I bared my fangs!
Shagrat: ORDER!
(Silence)
Shagrat: All right then. Let's do this properly. Ugluk, why did you kidnap Merry and Pippin?
Ugluk: Master's orders.
Grishnakh: Ha! You didn't obey your master when it came to taking them to him!
Ugluk: Hold your tongue. My master is Saruman, not some Mordor rats!
Gorbag: Our master is the Great Eye. The hobbits should have gone to him, along with everything else!
Ugluk: I said I would serve Saruman and I did. You can't get on a fellow for keeping his word.
Grishnakh: You can when his word is bad in the first place.
Ugluk: How did this worm get into this board meeting in the first place?
Grishnakh: I'm the secretary.
Ugluk: Mr. President, I move that the secretary be replaced.
Shagrat: So it is your opinion that it was right to kidnap Merry and Pippin as you were under orders?
Ugluk: (looking ugly, as always) Correct.
Shagrat: Grishnakh, please refrain from inserting derogatory remarks in parentheses.
(Ugluk glares at poor, innocent Grishnakh)
Shagrat: Grishnakh, why did you try to kill Merry and Pippin?
Ugluk: (snarling) And why did you let them get away?
Grishnakh: You're one to talk! I was the only one who noticed them creeping away when the rest of you were gorging yourselves!
Shagrat: Answer my question, not his!
Grishnakh: If I had let them live, Ugluk would have taken them to Saruman, and Saruman would have become the next Dark Lord, and would have overthrown Sauron. I was merely going to take the ring to Sauron, where it belonged!
Ugluk: Oh yes? Tolkien said differently. Tolkien said you were going to keep it for yourself!
(Grishnakh snarls at Ugluk) (I didn't! Ugluk just stole my pen and wrote that to spite me!)
Shagrat: And now, Gorbag, tell me in a gentlemanly, reasonable manner, just why you stole my shirt. And I want a good, logical argument, or your dead. It would be easy to find a new treasurer.
Gorbag: (hissing and spitting in an ungentlemanly manner...more like catly manner) If I hadn't taken it, you would have kept it, and then the Eye would have killed us both!
Shagrat: You should have kept your hands off that shiny shirt! It was mine!
Gorbag: It went to the Great Eye. Along with...
Gothmog: Yeah, yeah, we've heard this before.
(Gorbag snarls viciously)
Shagrat: All right, Gothmog. Your turn. Why did you attack Osgiliath?
Gothmog: What kind of a question is that? It was war! What did you want me to do...attack the desert?
Gorbag: (sniggering) Oh yeah. And why did you step out of the way of that huge rock when you'd just told your men to hold their ground? A coward, eh?
Gothmog: (growling) And if I had died, what then? The army would have dispersed and we would have had to go try to attack Minas Tirith all over again!
Shagrat: OK. There you have it. A nice, illogical defence.
Grishnakh: Hey! What about you?
Shagrat: I didn't do anything wrong!
Gorbag: Oh yes? What about trying to keep the shirt for yourself?
Shagrat: That wasn't wrong! I deserved it! I'd had nothing but useless leather armour for three stinkin' years!
Gorbag: And I suppose you think your the only one!
Shagrat: So that was your plan! To take it for yourself!
(Gorbag and Shagrat start fighting, Gothmog unsuccessfully attempts to break it up, accidentally adding another scar to his collection in the process. Ugluk just stares over Grishnakh's shoulder at the page, looking very ugly.)
Grishnakh: Ouch!
(Ugluk has punched the poor, innocent Grishnakh for absolutely no good reason. He is now about to engage him in mortal combat so the board meeting minutes must be concluded here.)
-Shagrat, Gorbag, Ugluk, Grishnakh, and Gothmog. (Yes, they survived the movie. Don't ask me how.)