Author Note

I'm late again. Very late, this time. But it's my last year in school and it's hard, I also have to write an essay in psychology for a competition and went down with the flu. Sorry...

This chapter is not that funny, actually. I'm planning on making the next one more light!

And please send some flowers to AquaJet, she's awsome.

Being Feminine

Chapter 10

"I will not, and I repeat, will not put up with this kind of behaviour when I have a guest!" Kanon was close to shouting and even closer to tears of frustration.

"It's sad you say that only when the said guest is someone important to you," murmured mother from behind the newspaper.

Father and daughter glared at her in surprising unison.

"If you're quite finished acting like a spoiled five years old, I would like you to apologise to your mother. This is not how I raised you!" thundered Father.

Kanon muttered an apology under her nose, feeling heat creeping onto her cheeks. What humiliation!

"Now that everything is all right, I will go and make some tea. Why don't you show your guest your room, sweetie?" beamed Father and without a second glance at his daughter went to the kitchen.

'How did I get myself into such situation?' He knew what it was, his stupidity. Kanon wasn't too fond of wasabi and the school nurse decided that since it was his fault for making her sick, he should take her home. To him, she looked just fine, more than fine actually.

Syuusuke watched with amusement, amazement and something akin to anxiety how Kanon bickered with her parents... and what parents they were! Totally different from his own or even any other family he knew. There was no other pair quite like Mr. and Mrs. Takahashi. He was surprised how they switched roles – father became mother and mother became father.

But that wasn't the end of surprises, because Kanon herself caused him to blink. That said something, since Fuji wasn't somebody who showed emotions outwardly, not usually. Kanon was... well, he suspected split personality for a moment, it was like she changed into someone else. She became more open and relaxed. She laughed more, smiled more, frowned more, shouted more and generally expressed her own opinion more often.

Even though he was greeted very warmly by the family and – dared he say it – Kanon's parents were excited to meet him (mumbling incoherently about first male in the house or something like that), Syuusuke was worried. They were his girl's parents. Lenient or not, he could see they cared greatly about their daughter's welfare and would interfere if they thought him to be dangerous to her.

His musings were interrupted by Nagoya Girl (copyright by Kikumaru Eiji, of course, who else?), who dragged him upstairs to what appeared to be her room. All the while she was muttering softly to herself. She seated him on the bed and left to collect tea. Syuusuke looked around. The wall opposite the bed was covered with a painting of five girls. One resembled greatly Kanon and he supposed the rest were her friends.

"Um... I brought the tea, sempai..." smiled Kanon shyly, closing the door with her cat-slipper foot.

"Thank you," replied Fuji, observing a big pile (of what appeared to be rubbish) that was scattered on the desk. Kanon followed his sight and blushed heavily.

"That is not rubbish, no matter how it looks! I just don't like cleaning and nothing has an ordered place, or rather, everything has a place on my desk, but it's not rubbish, I'm still using every one of them, some more rarely, but..." she stopped, seeing Fuji's raised hand.

"I really don't mind," he chuckled. "But... there is one thing that bothers me..."

He sipped on his tea, watching how Kanon's features changed into one of confusion.

"Yes?" she pushed him when the silence was too much to take.

"You're different."

"Eh?"

"Yes, pretty much like completely another person," Syuusuke continued as if she never interrupted. "At school you're more... reserved. You smile when it's expected of you, laugh when others do. You don't talk much, almost nobody notices you on the corridors. You claim you want to make friends but you don't let people get to know you better, always keeping others at a distance. Here, with your parents, you don't act. You're yourself." He couldn't stop now, even though he felt he was pushing it too far.

He knew he was raising his voice and that he opened his eyes, dropping the mask of indifference, showing emotions that shouldn't have found their way into his tone of voice, onto his face. He said part A and it was time to say part B if he wanted their relationship be that of friends - friends who don't hide behind another personality. "Why can't you be that way when you're with me? Aren't we friends?"

Kanon flinched, noticing that her whole body was shaking and she couldn't control it. 'What is sempai talking about? Was he lying to me, about being friends? Did he want...something more?' She felt betrayed, but didn't stop Syuusuke from speaking.

"How can we be friends if you can't be relaxed, if you can't accept me for who I am, pretending I'm a girl – insulting me in the most humiliating way that's possible – you pretending to be somebody else than you are?" he stopped to catch some breath and that was when he noticed how close they were.

He practically pinned her to the wall, breathing hard, shooting lightning from eyes, which were suspiciously bright and sparkling. Kanon herself was crying and that was what brought him to his senses.

'Goodness – I frightened her.' He wanted to laugh, but restrained from doing so. God knows if it wouldn't scare her even more. He laughed mentally, but it came rather bitterly. 'What the hell? I'm the one who was deceived.' He was the victim, so why did he feel like the worst man? Why was she crying?

'She's confusing or rather very naive and dense.' he sighed. Syuusuke looked at the petite girl in front of him, only then releasing her. She was looking at him with weird expression on her face, but he had experience with reading people. It was what made it so easy for him to manipulate others. She was still scared, but also reflexive and… shocked.

Fuji supposed he himself was surprised by his outburst, but it was also sure to happen sooner or later. Seeing her so different, soreal, and the realisation that he could never make her be just Kanon and not some shadow of her personality made him feel more depressed that he expected. He thought he had her solved and it was a blow to his ego to know she outsmarted him – though not on purpose.

He was also hurt that she didn't trust him enough, that she didn't feel safe enough with him. He swore to himself all those years ago when Yuuta was bullied that he would protect those he considered important – and Kanon was one of those people. To realize she didn't think him capable of protecting her was too much. It made him wonder what others thought of him and he was almost angry of thinking about it.

He cleared his throat to ease the silence and give Kanon a signal to show he was safe.

"I'm not sorry for saying all this... but I hadn't intended to frighten you. I just wanted to clarify some things between us if you want to continue with our friendship." He said.

"No... I..." Kanon was torn. There were too many things she wanted to say, too many things that had to be said. "I'm sorry, too. I didn't realize before that I was acting so much different at school. I guess it's just hard for me to... open up." She swallowed and forced the words out of her mouth. "It's become a habit, I think... I'm really sorry. I wasn't mistaking you for a girl consciously-"

At this, he felt in his chest – his heart – a pang. It hurt more to know it was unconscious than if she would do it on purpose.

"-but it enabled me to be more comfortable. I promise I will try to change my view, to see you for who you are." She paused to look at him and hardened her face. "But I don't know if I will ever be able to act like I do around my parents and my friends with you and your friends."

"I see. I guess I shouldn't take anything for granted," Syuusuke couldn't help the way his voice turned slightly cold. His eyes were closed and he put back on his smile.

He wouldn't listen to it any more. He had to get out of here, and quick.

"Thank you for the tea." He waved a Kanon and with his fake acting, smiled decently.

Then he left.

It was hard to understand for Syuusuke. How could she still want to be friends while not being herself? How could she deceive him, his friends? He laughed out loud and hard. It was low, almost a growl of a hurt animal. His friends and her friends; she drew the line between them and was slowly building a wall. Fuji knew, when she mentioned friends, she meant the ones she had left in Nagoya. He could understand that, but then she closed herself from the rest of the world. She listened to him, and probably thought she understood, but her reply suggested she didn't, at all.

'How will I break it to them?' He couldn't tell the Regulars, not after the obvious effort they made to welcome Kanon into their group. On the other hand, he realized it wasn't completely her fault.
It was most probably self defence. One didn't come out of bullying without being at least a little psychically damaged. He was sure, though, that if she wanted to be friends, she will have to make some effort. Her mask could also be disastrous later in the future, when she was an adult. If she didn't come to terms with the fact she didn't have the best childhood, if she didn't come out of her shell, it will come back to bite her, later. But he also knew that he was involved too much. He couldn't give up her now. He would make her see sense in his words.

He wanted to sleep. Fate was such a bitch – she favoured him over others for all those years and now she turned her back to him. Why did he have to pay for things some scum did? He wasn't one for physical violence, but he would gladly let them have a bit of their own medicine.

Syuusuke couldn't open the door to his house. He looked down to see the cause and saw his hands shaking so much he couldn't fit the key. He needed someone, anyone... He dialled the number and waited for him to answer.

"Echizen...? Can you meet me at the school courts? Bring your racket. You better be in fine shape, I need a good game."

He left.

Kanon didn't understand why. She said she will try to see sempai as a boy, why was he so mad, then? It wasn't because she wasn't sure she could be more herself, right? After all, she would try. It wasn't her fault; it was ingrained in her to be nobody around others. They wouldn't notice her, so they wouldn't harm her. It wasn't her fault.

'But you could have made a difference if you wanted to' insisted a voice in her head. 'You said you will try, but those were just empty words, weren't they?'

"Shut up," she whispered. "Shut up!" Kanon covered her ears with a pillow and curled herself on her bed.

"Not my fault."

"Not!"

"I do try."

"I do."

"Not my fault..."

She tried to convince herself.

The sound of the phone ringing woke her up. Kanon groggily sat up and looked around the room dazedly, catching her reflection in the mirror. She looked awful, with red, puffy eyes and mouth that wouldn't turn upwards in a smile no matter how much she tried.

The ringtone got louder with every second so she picked it up.

"Hello?" Her voice was hoarse and cracked at the end.

"Kanon...?" It was Aoi-san. "Is that you...? Because if it is, you sound awful..."

"Thank you. It reflects my mood, as well."

"It isn't because of our little adventure in few minutes, is it?" she sighed.

"No, no. But I still think we should pass. It's trespassing, you know?!"

"Yeah, whatever."

"You, Tokyo people, have no sense of what is proper." groaned Kanon. She blinked. "Wait. Did you say 'in few minutes'?"

"Yes, I did. Why did you think I would be calling you at this hour? By the way, were you skipping after lunch?"

"No. I had a run in with wasabi and was excused by nurse."

"Ah. Fuji Syuusuke, hmm...? You must be very fond of him. I would have killed anyone trying to feed me wasabi, let alone accomplishing it."

"I have no doubt," Kanon smiled slightly.

"Let's meet at the front gate of the park next to the school at nine. And, please, wear black – we're going undercover, after all," Aoi-san grinned and through the receiver Kanon could hear her rubbing her hands gleefully.

"You're enjoying this way too much," said Kanon grimly.

"I wouldn't – not to this extent – if you weren't so against it. Bye!"

"Goodbye," replied Kanon to the beep-ing sound in the receiver.

She stared at the wall, hard. After a quick glance at the clock, she told herself to get it together, but she wasn't sure if it meant the trespassing or one Fuji Syuusuke.

"Here, Kanon!" waved at her Aoi-san. She was clothed in what would anybody name as film based agent. Emphasized, film based.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" asked Kanon quietly. "I think anyone could see that we're up to no good."

"Nonsense!" she brushed aside Kanon's concern. "Let's go!"

And without further ado, she turned her back to Nagoya Girl and walked in direction of school. Once they were at the entrance, they stopped. The gate was closed.

"So, what do we do now?" Kanon jerked the end of her sleeve.

"Um... I'm... not too sure..." said Aoi-san sheepishly.

Kanon looked at her incredulously.

"I thought you had everything already planned out?!"

"Why would I? You have to put in some effort, too" she sniffed. "Well, I suppose we could just go over the fence."

"What...!?" Kanon whispered frantically, words 'If you want then go ahead but leave me out of this,' going over her head. She stopped abruptly. She was pushing herself to the other side of the wall; she was putting a mask on once again. Now would be a good time to start anew, to try, like she promised. She opened her mouth to properly berate Aoi-san, like she wanted to do for a long time now.

"Well, hurry up! We don't have all night!" Too late; she was already on school grounds and Kanon had no choice but to shut her mouth so tightly it hurt and comply.
She lost her chance and wasn't keen on making another one. Having a mask was good. It hid her from potential danger. She wasn't strong enough to let her defences fall just for one person who found out about the 'real' her.
It didn't stop her from feeling guilty for playing Aoi-san false like that and all others, who were nothing but kind to her, and…Fuji-sempai. Surely, for him, she could... She could be more herself - nothing much, just small things, to take it slowly. She didn't want to lose him. That much she knew. She liked her new life, but was it really okay to show them real Kanon? Won't they reject her? Logic said, 'They won't.' Her heart said, 'They won't.' But something inside her was still scared and made it hard for her to breathe. She also realized there was probably more to her feelings concerning Syuusuke-sempai, but it would have to wait. Things between them were too complicated right now. But she would fix it, as soon as she will see him.
Kanon walked into something warm and soft, which she recognized as her fellow adventurer.

"What's wrong?" she asked worriedly, but inside she was screaming bloody murder that she knew they shouldn't be doing that and now it was proven right.

"Err... I think I forgot it will be dark inside the school at night."

"Excuse me?" She wanted to shake Aoi so much...

"You didn't bring the torch by chance, did you?"

"No, by chance somebody else told me I shouldn't bring it as to not blow our cover." She was still smiling, but her facial muscles won't hold much longer. "Maybe we should go back?" she suggested hopefully, praying to all deities (because praying to God didn't seem to work for the past few weeks)...

"No!"

…who apparently hated her with a passion, which she was grateful to reciprocate as much as she wanted to kill Aoi.

"I think I hear footsteps," murmured hesitatingly the future victim.

"No wonder, your cry must have woken up the dead."

"What dead?" Aoi turned white.

"What are you doing here?"

Great, they wasted the time that should have been used to run away bickering. Surprisingly, the voice was familiar, and Kanon turned to see the person she wanted not to meet so soon – she was too much a mess right now – which was Fuji Syuusuke.