The familiar smell of the back of a plane, even if mixed up with the sterile odor typical of a sick bay, made Clay feel already at home.
Riding back with his two teammates at his side was the most normal experience for him. He had done that a hundred of times in the past year, and he loved the sensation.
A hint of a smirk appeared on his face; reassuring smiles appeared on Sonny and Trent's while they tried to hide their concern for the trip.
They were going home together; Clay was about to reunite with the whole Team, and his friends were taking care of him.
Clay sighed. Not for long, they won't need to take care of me like this for long, he thought. And he knew it was not because they were abandoning him, but because he would be back in action soon. Very soon, he hoped.
But right now, the young SEAL needed to hold on those positive thoughts, he needed it in order to take his unfailing companions under control.
Yes, once again, the nausea had awakened in him alongside with his head spinning. It happened the instant he moved from his bed to the stretcher; it increased when they moved him through the hallways; it became the hardest to bear during the take off.
Damn tympanic rupture, Clay thought, trying to dissimulate his distress, when the hell I'm gonna have my equilibrium back?
He looked at his friends, they could not see him struggle anymore. He needed to be strong, to show them he could be back with them soon; so Clay buried everything down, the nausea, the fatigue, the sorrow. Until he didn't anymore.
Until he couldn't anymore, and he found himself gagging.
Oh Gosh! If I'm gonna vomit at least let's not do it on myself, Clay thought and tried to lift his torso, only to remember he was strapped to the stretcher.
He felt constricted, and breathing was hard while the taste of bile filled his mouth. Only Trent's prompt presence made his tensed muscles relax a bit. But only a bit.
A second later Clay was on his side, his stomach giving up even last year Thanksgiving's dinner.
Clay's chest was burning and his stomach cramped and clenched. The only thing preventing him to surrender to the stinging pain and the fatigue he felt was Trent's warmth and his strong grip on him.
Painfully gasping for air, Clay's body wouldn't cooperate much. The more he tried to force the air in, the more exhausted he felt. The more the exhaustion got to him, the more the need to breathe increased. But he couldn't breathe, and as the last traces of oxygen abandoned his body, his mind clouded.
Clay's eyes started wandering around; he could not focus on the moving lips of the men around him, and the ringing in his ears prevented the SEAL from hearing their voices. Worst, the concerned look on Trent's face made his anxiety grow as the metallic taste of blood filled his mouth.
... ... ...
Clay's gasps echoed in the void hangar, his face turning paler every second and his eyes wandering aimlessly.
"Something's not right!" As Trent said that, he felt Clay trying to turn again under his grip.
Sonny jumped to his toes. What? What does that mean? he thought, holding his breath.
Then Trent promptly helped Clay on his side, and a gush of blood came out from the young soldier's mouth.
"Damn it!" The corpsman drew his colleague's attention and made Trent step back to leave them the space to act.
The look the man had on and the tone he used made the two SEAL's blood run cold. For a split second Sonny and Trent exchanged a terrified look, only to get immediately back to the pale, not-breathing, and unresponsive Clay.
"What's happening?" Sonny moved a step toward them. He needed to help his little brother, but before he could go any farther, he found Trent's hand on his chest preventing him from advancing.
The look on the older SEAL's face was clear, hardly hiding the terror, but clear. It said, 'give them space'.
"Hemothorax! He must have punctured his lung," the other corpsman continued, his tone cold while getting ready for the action.
Trent and Sonny both watched powerlessly as the corpsmen took out a scalpel and a plastic tube.
"What are they doing?" Sonny hinted a move again; he could not let them hurt Clay.
"It's okay, Sonny. It's okay, they know what they're doing." Stepping back cost Trent a lot, and making Sonny do the same was not easy either, but it was the right thing to do.
"The strain and the repeated movement Clay made vomiting must have made one of his broken ribs perforate a lung." Trent explained, his eyes locked on the medical procedure.
"What?" Sonny glanced at him, his jaw dropping. "I thought they would not be a problem anymore," he continued, growing pale. "Damn, I thought he was healing well!"
"Healing takes time, Sonny." Trent kept staring at his suffering teammate on the stretcher. "It's not as bad as it seem. Calm down," he reassured his mate. "They only have to insert a chest tube to relieve the pressure, and inflate is lung."
The two watched breathlessly as the corpsmen performed the procedure on their helpless friend. One of them made Clay put his arm behind his head and lifted his shirt to give his colleague the space to make the incision.
Trent and Sonny could feel the cold of the betadine poured abundantly on Clay's chest as if it was touching their own skin. They both had to hold their flinch as the medic carefully cut Clay's skin for a couple of centimeters.
They could see Clay's abdominal muscles tense and him grit his teeth when the sharp tool touched his skin, a small steam of blood escaping from the new wound.
Their own bodies tensed at the impulse to approach their friend and do something for him, but Trent backed up Sonny and vice versa, so they managed to control themselves.
The silence in the back of the plane was deafening while the corpsman inserted the tube in the cut on Clay's side. As the plastic penetrated Clay's chest, he let out a suffocated growl that painfully made its way to Sonny and Trent's hearts.
Despite the fact that the time seemed to have stopped, the procedure took only a couple minutes. As soon as it was complete, blood started flowing in the tube, and a few seconds later, they saw Clay loudly take in a deep breath, his skin gradually coming back to a darker pink, his lips slowly turning again from blue to red.
"That's it, see?" Trent said, still on his toes. "He's gonna be fine, right guys?"
One of the corpsman nodded, "We'll monitor him closely till we land, but he's out of danger for now."
"You can relax, we got him," the other medic added, putting an oxygen mask on his patient's face.
As those words echoed in the air, the adrenaline rush in the two SEAL's veins rapidly settled down, leaving them to deal with that painful sight without backup.
Sonny was almost paralyzed, out of breath just like Clay was.
He could deal with anything in the field, but being so powerless while his brother was suffering like that, while Clay was risking his life, was too much for him.
The SEAL stood there, his lips pursed and his eyes fixed on his brother's pained expression, till he had to slightly bend over to take a few deep breaths.
"I'm feeling the same, Buddy," Trent gently patted Sonny's back. "Feeling the same."
"Sit down now, we'll land in half an hour," one of the medics said, after checking with the pilot.
The two soldiers reluctantly settled, tension still in their muscles.
If taking their eyes off Clay was hard before that happened, now it was nearly impossible, and the both of them could not help but stare at his sweaty skin, while the corpsmen made sure Clay continued breathing.
... ... ...
In the sunny afternoon, Jason, Ray, and Brock were waiting outside the hospital. Their legs were restless and they couldn't help but wandering around, eyes fixed on the horizon till they finally spotted Trent and Sonny approaching. The two had noticeable bags under their eyes, and their faces were pale and marked by exhaustion.
"Woah, what happened?" Jason asked, immediately noticing their tense expressions. "You said Clay was doing good. He's not?" Concern was clear in his voice, his words making Ray and Brock hold their breath.
"There was a little complication during the flight," Trent said in a cold voice, underlining his zombie-like appearance. "It seems the kid likes complications too much."
They all watched silently while the two corpsmen guided the stretcher out. Despite the oxygen mask preventing them from clearly seeing Clay's baby face, they could still see his pained expression.
When they looked down, they saw Clay's shirt was blood-stained and the tube going out of his chest, and they immediately turned to Trent and Sonny with questions on their faces. But in that moment the silence could not be broken, and their attention was again on their injured mate.
As the caretakers carefully transferred the young, helpless man to his new accommodation, the sight of Clay's limp body abandoned on the thin mattress made Bravo's heart clench.
"He'll be fine," Trent finally spoke up. "It will only take a little more time, but he'll completely recover," he explained as they all followed Clay in.
Bravo members waited outside the room till the nurses settled their new patient, but as soon as they received the green light, they all entered to stay with him.
With Clay's eardrums slowly healing, they feared to bother the young soldier in his quiet sleep, so the silence in the room was religious. At times, they even feared to breathe, but on the other hand, they all wanted Clay to wake up for them, to hear his voice and see his blue eyes.
Nervously waiting there with the others, Ray was standing in the corner of the room, even more quiet than the rest. Perhaps he was praying, or maybe he was thinking about the first thing to say to Clay after he woke up, but one thing was clear from his face, he could barely look at his injured friend.
... ... ...
The moment Clay opened his eyes and tried to talk through the plastic mask, Bravo surrounded his bed and stared at him with concerned expressions on their tired faces.
Seeing them there in full force was so good that Clay ignored the pain he felt in his chest and forced his voice out. "What happened? When did we land?" he laboriously swallowed, fighting the pain.
Trent took the laptop in his hands and spoke into it, so Clay could read his words instead of putting all his effort into making his ears work. "We got here one hour ago, you had a crisis on the plane, don't you remember?"
Clay closed his eyes for a moment and nodded, replaying in his mind the past few hours. For sure the sensation of having a tube inserted in his chest was not pleasant, how could he not remember that?
"So, you think you are done scaring the hell out of us?" Sonny filled the silence. "I'm sick of having to worry about you."
"Yeah, about that..." Clay removed the oxygen mask, "I'm sorry guys." He surely wanted to say more than just that, but the words couldn't come out. Breathing was painful enough on its own.
A million thoughts occurred to him while looking his teammates in the eyes. They kept worrying for him, and that was a good sensation, after all. That meant they still cared for him, but at the same time Clay hated to be responsible of putting his friends in such a tough spot. He hated the idea he was causing them pain.
"Thanks-" Clay cleared his throat and painfully continued to talk- "for all this, for...
Being there, for..."
"Hey, don't mention it," Jason said, his kind expression underlining the truth of his statement.
Trying to peer into each of his friends' souls, Clay could not tell if they were fighting to not answer all at once, or if his words baffled them.
"Yeah, you know, we couldn't let you ruin Bravo reputation by getting lost like that," Sonny grinned, his eyes saying, 'you will never be lost with us'.
"No, I-I do..." Clay insisted, "Thanks for coming back for me." His voice was croaky but his words were true to his heart. "I- I'm sorry I put you in danger having to come back to save my ass there."
Pandora's box was open, a deep, open-heart conversation was in the air. Although, the elephant had been sitting there for too long and it was damn time for them to clear the air.
"Hey, no, don't say that," Jason continued. "No one is left behind, ever! I made the wrong call sending you there alone. I'm the one who should apologize."
"We all have to," Sonny interrupted before Ray could approach and speak up for himself. "We're sorry we doubted you, Clay. We should never do that."
The SEALs all nodded, guilty looks on their faces. For them addressing the issue was harder than jumping from an airplane. They were men of action, not once to speak from the heart. They were Team guys, they just were always there for each other.
Stick together, no words needed.
Clay hesitated, "Yeah... no, I- I should have talked to you about my-my dad's book... it's just..." -he looked up, confusion in his voice- "he just..." A sparkling in his eye appeared, telling his friends a tear was about to escape his control.
"No, it's not your fault, Clay," Jason said, putting a hand on his shoulder and waiting for the young soldier to read the screen. "We know you don't have anything to do with that, we just should have listened to you."
So they have faith in me? They truly believe in me? I can be on the Team again... A real part of It, Clay thought, a hint of a smile appearing on his face, but the look on his teammates' face still hurt his soul. The idea of being responsible for that was more painful than his burning chest, but there was still something he needed to get off of it.
Clay cleared his throat, "I-I, um, I doubted you too... so... I think we are even."
The SEALs all looked at each other, face stunned, then back to Clay, his misty, blue eyes silently begging them to forgive him.
"In the desert, when I was alone," he had to clear his throat again, trying to explain himself. "I- I doubted you would came to take me back.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't, but I felt..."
Clay could feel the sorrow he was causing his friends.
"I felt so..." he couldn't say it out loud. He could not tell them how the fear and the loneliness ate at his soul.
"We should not have put you in the position to think that," Jason said, his straight look on Clay while he read the words on the screen. "But you will never have to think that again, am I clear?"
"You know," Clay said, fighting tears forming in his eyes. "Adam said something once..."
Adam, hearing that name made Bravo flinch. The memory of his death was like salt on the wound almost losing Clay was.
"He said, 'you'll find out that the Team is everything you need'," Clay continued. "And I did, I found that out with you guys."
Bravo members all smiled, and for sure Clay was not the only one who was holding back a tear now.
"Six people with one beating heart, right?" Clay forced the corners of his mouth to lift despite the pain assaulting his whole body.
"Sorry to interrupt, soldiers" -a doctor entered the room- "but my patient needs to rest now."
"Of course," Jason said, nodding at him. "One minute and we're out."
"Okay, but make it be just one," the doctor severely said before leaving the room.
"Hey, we'll leave you to your beauty sleep now, okay?" Jason said, a smirk relieving the concern on his face.
"He will need far more than a few hours of sleep for that," Sonny scoffed.
"At least for me there's some hope," Clay grinned, hiding the fatigue that was seriously getting to him.
The SEALs all chuckled and greeted Clay with nods and supportive looks. Passing by his bed, Brock tapped him on the shoulder, and Trent did the same while Sonny decided to fist-bump. And while Jason's look said it all, Ray's dismissive one made some doubts grow in Clay once again.
"Ray, wait!" Clay forced his voice out, a grimace appearing on his face as the hint of movement he made caused an acute pain to sting his chest.
But Clay could not let Ray leave like that, not now that they were in the same continent and in the same room again.
Ray looked back at him, holding his breath, then turned to Jason, as to silently ask him what he should do.
Bravo One moved his lips, saying something Clay couldn't get, and nodded at them both, an encouraging look on his face.
"Yeah, I'm here, brother." Ray stopped while the rest of the team left the two alone.
"I-" Clay had to pause, trying to take in a deep breath with his chest still on fire. "I need to..." he panted, barely able to keep his eyes open. The flight and the 'little inconvenience' he had during it had truly drained his strength.
"You don't have to say anything," Ray approached the bed, and made sure Clay could read his words on the screen. "We have plenty of time to talk, Buddy. You need to rest now."
"No... I need to..." Clay breath was so heavy that Ray had to take the oxygen mask from his friend's hands and gently place it back on his face.
"I need to know if we're okay..." Clay's voice barely reached Ray's ears through the plastic mask.
"Of course we are. You don't have to worry anymore, I'm right here for you." A tear marked Ray's cheek, while his tone must have been the warmest and kindest, if only Clay could actually hear it.
Clay's forehead was now covered in sweat, and his chest lifted slowly and glitchy. Despite his hard efforts to keep his eyes open, there was not a chance his body would obey his will, and he silently drifted away.
... ... ...
The same night Trent and Sonny took Clay back home, Bravo Team were spun up, heading God knows where in the world. They were still one man down and they didn't even have the chance to tell Clay they were leaving on an assignment.
Four days passed with them not being able to communicate with their missing member, and when they landed back on friendly soil, they rushed to see his status, even though it was five in the morning.
Sonny was the first one to enter the room, immediately followed by the rest of the Team. Despite the morning light not fully penetrating the half-lifted blinds, they could see Clay's cheeks bringing out a fine pink color; the dressing on his arms were now lighter and the tube in his chest was gone.
Bravo all gave relieved sighs, their beaten bodies feeling lighter, and their huge smiles making their exhausted faces glow.
The kid was gonna be okay, they could see that now. They could finally feel that.
"Well, the flight was worth the sight, guys," Sonny said, sitting in and relaxing on a chair.
"I never thought to say this, but dang," Clay's sleepy voice drew the guys attention on him, "it's so good to wake up to the sound of your voice, Sonny."
"Sound?" Trent asked, approaching the bed while Sonny jumped to his feet again.
Surprise and excitement appeared on the SEALs' faces while they surrounded Clay. He still didn't looked at them, but his lips were curved in a bright smile.
"You mean you can hear us?" Sonny asked, his eyes brightening with hope.
"It's not the sweetest sound in the world, but yeah, I have to admit I missed it a lot." Clay opened his baby eyes to them, his voice joyful.
"Oh, thank God," Trent said, "I've had enough being Sonny's confessor, I'll gladly hand that task back to you, Buddy." He patted his young mate on the shoulder.
"Sorry, what? I don't think I heard what you just said," Clay smirked.
"Very funny guys," Sonny huffed, his eyes still glowing in joy through the semi-dark room.
"Well, you should go have some rest now," Clay said, "and a shower. You shall really have a shower."
The atmosphere in the hospital room was completely relaxed for the first time in two weeks.
"I'm serious guys, you stink, the air here is getting unbreathable," Clay scoffed.
The guys all looked at each other, they were all smiling and their eyes glowed through their exhaustion.
Leaving, Ray turned to Clay and their eyes met. They both felt there was still something not said between them. Once again, however, this was not the right time, and Ray left without saying a single word.
... ... ...
Finally, the silence. It seemed weird to think that, but Clay had not had that since his eardrums were damaged.
This was a good silence, though; it was not like the desert swallowing him, but a reassuring quiet, made of turned off monitors and absolutely no buzzing in his ears. Clay had not had that for so long.
He could not turn off the humming, and the thinking, and the suffering for such a long while, and now that he had it, that peace didn't even seem real. But there it was, and most importantly, now he was not confined.
Now that he had almost totally recovered his hearing, Clay could pick up the phone and hear his friend's voices, he could have them visit him in person and talk face to face without a damn device being the interpreter.
He could also chose the silence, but only if he wanted to.
Clay was healing. The clean and cool air now managed to permeate his body almost without any effort. The tubes and the IV's were gone, as was the gown; he had missed his own clothes so much, and the sensation of having them on his skin was so good.
Now he was allowed to stand on his own. No nausea hitting him for sitting for too long, no head spinning when he tried to move. Well, he still had some balance problems now and then, he had to admit that, but he was working on it, and he was on the right track.
But beyond all this, what made him feel he was healing in truth was the fact that he finally managed to pee standing up. That was a big step for him.
He could finally call himself a man again.
Clay was just coming back to his bed without embarrassing accidents where he had to call for help and be treated like a baby, when Ray came into his room.
"Hey, you seem ready to get back in action." Ray smiled to Clay, accompanying his returning to bed with a kind look.
"Yeah," Clay chuckled, his body still failing to stay up for long. "Let me have a night in my own bed before that."
"I just talked to the nurse, she says you're almost there, brother." Ray moved a few steps inside the room, an awkward feeling slipping through both their voices.
"Yeah, you know, 'nobody cares, work harder', right?"
A little pause followed by a deep breath, and then Clay opened his mouth again. "I'm gonna be back on Bravo soon, if you" -he hesitated again- "if you still like the idea."
"What are you talking about?" Ray frowned. "We're dying to have you back. Sonny may won't admit that, but he is literally counting the days." Ray had to sit on the edge of the bed as his knees suddenly felt weak.
"What about you," Clay looked away for a second, clearing his throat, then turned back to face his friend. "What do you think?"
"Of course I want to see you back in the field, Clay." Ray's pained expression made Clay sense all his sorrow under his skin. "There is nothing I would like more than having you back with us." Ray continued, his heart in his hand.
The two SEALs remained in silence for a moment, peering deep in each other's eyes.
"Look, I'm sorry if I made you think I wouldn't... I-" Ray had to stop, this much needed conversation was bringing up the pain he had been trying to hide for weeks.
"I thought I did something wrong," Clay said, forcing his voice to get out straight and clear. "You always stood in the back during my calls, and you never talked, so I-"
"No, hey no! I'm the one who did it wrong, okay? I should have never left you there alone, I should have never left you behind."
"Come on man, what are you talking about? You're the one who saved my ass; you were there for me when I needed it the most." Clay's expression was a mixture of reassurance and disbelief. "Yours was the first face I saw, the one that dragged me out of my silence."
Ray couldn't hold back a sigh, tears were filling his eyes but he had no intention of letting them go.
"When I had to leave you there," he continued.
"No," Clay wanted so desperately to reassure his friend; he felt his pain so sharply that he felt guilty for putting him through all that. "I put myself in that situation, you only brought me back."
"Yeah," Ray cleared his throat, "yeah I did. We all did."
Clay sniffed, trying to hide the explosion of emotion behind a smirk. "Oh, hell, I must have hit my head too in that damn blast; I've became too fuzzy!" He raked a disarmingly bright smile, "What's your excuse, brother?"
Ray laughed, mirroring his mate's expression.
The sun was shining again on Bravo Team, the feeling they were gonna soon be whole again kept their hearts warm and beating for one another.
... ... ...
The End
... ... ...
Author's note: So, this is it!
It was an interesting journey, and a full experience for me. Thank You so much for having shared it with me through all the ups and downs, all the doubts and the renewed courage. I loved writing this despite all the moments of discouragement.
I'm sincerely grateful to all who read my story from beginning to end, to who encouraged and helped me out, and to everyone who left a review.
A special thanks to LunasInSilver for the precious help as my Beta Reader for the last few chapters.
To everyone who has come this far with me,
Thanks a lot!