Ok, two months without updating?!?! Eep! You guys should stone me for that! I'm sorry I didn't update sooner, I have been working on this chapter for a while and I desperately hope you don't hate it, or hate me for not doing anything for so long. You may yell at me in reviews if you like. But I said I would never abandon you guys, did I not? See, I would never do that, I'm a good girl, pinky promise! So this chapter might be weak, but please read and review and enjoy and I pinky swear the next chapter will be out in less than a month! =D
P.S.- unfortunately, I do not own Lord of the Rings or Monty Python...*sniffles*...*cries hysterically* wahhh I wish I did!
Chapter Ten: the Ring Goes South
After the Council, Frodo sat with his fellow hobbits, with the exception of Bilbo, and discussed what had happened. The hobbits had all been listening for the most part, except for Pippin who did not arrive until the very end of the Council and was now confused about what was happening?
"So," Pippin began, "let me get this straight: you're called to a secret council where all you do is talk about the Ring and some other serious stuff that would put me to sleep, then it's decided that you're going to destroy the Ring with a bunch of big people and Sam, without any other hobbits coming originally?"
Frodo nodded. "Pretty much."
"That's terrible!" Pippin cried in dismay.
"I know! I really don't want to go to Mordor, but I know it must be me that has to do it. At least I'm not alone. But really this is the worst thing imaginable." Frodo sighed and looked up at his best friends.
"Oh I didn't mean that stuff about the Ring, as if that will really effect our lives! I meant they were originally going to let only Sam go. How could you even think to go without Merry and me? We're your cousins! Plus, we could use a bit of an adventure."
Merry nodded. "I'm really glad Elrond is letting us go. I couldn't stand staying here!"
"Actually," came Elrond's voice as he walked into the room, "you wouldn't be staying here; you'd go home. Are you really sure you want to go? You're both very young, especially you, Peregrin. Are you sure you don't want to be messengers? Please?"
Merry and Pippin nodded. "We're sure." One of them replied, however when you are a noble elf lord you can never be truly sure how to tell hobbits apart.
Elrond sighed. "Fine, if you're really sure…"
"Wait a moment!" cried Frodo. "Lord Elrond, a moment ago, during the narration, I heard that you were still doing it. I thought you were supposed to quit after two chapters! What happened?"
Elrond sighed as his eyes watered. "Just read this." Elrond handed Frodo a scroll, and Frodo read it out loud.
Lord Elrond,
Since Narrators One and Two are on the run and Tom Bombadil is after him, you must stay Narrator until further notice. Stay in Rivendell, however; Tom Bomadil will never find you. Just tolerate the nice hobbits and you will be paid a lot of money. Not nearly enough, of course, but seeing as the other option was letting the vengeful Bombadil come after you, you will have to deal with it. If it's any consolation, we will also mail you some brownies, how does that sound?
Sincerely,
Chief Editor of The Fellowship of the Ring: Monty Python Style, Publisher of Elf Weekly, and Distributor of All Elf Weekly Awards.
"That's good news!" said Pippin, smiling. "You can talk to us more, isn't that great, Elrond sir?"
In response, Elrond started sobbing.
Before the other hobbits could do anything, Frodo waved a hand. "Just leave him there."
"But, Mr. Frodo, don't you feel slightly offended that he doesn't want to talk to us?" Sam asked, sounding hurt.
"Sam, he is an elf lord, we are food obsessed hobbits. It would have never worked out." Frodo replied. Sam just shrugged and gazed out of the window.
"Hang on a moment…" Frodo began, "Elrond, you never did the opening!"
"What opening?" asked Elrond between sobs.
"The opening you usually do before the beginning of each story!" said Frodo.
Elrond merely glared. "Do I look like I'm in any state to open a story? I'm too depressed…Arwen, bring me my red bottle!" Elrond shouted.
Within minutes, Arwen arrived and brought Elrond his red bottle, which was filled up to the top with liquid. Arwen left, and Elrond began downing the bottle, drowning his sorrows. The hobbits looked at each other then looked away, ignoring the alcoholic elf lord.
"To think, he rules an entire kingdom…" Merry muttered under his breath. "So, when do we leave?" he asked
"December 25th." Frodo said.
"Oh, Christmas!" Merry yelled with a grin.
"What's that?" Pippin asked.
"You've never heard of Christmas?!"
"No, should I have?" Pippin asked, worried.
"I haven't heard of it either, Mr. Merry. Have you, Mr. Frodo?" Sam asked.
Frodo nodded. "I read about it once. Merry, I'm sorry to say but Christianity doesn't exactly exist yet. You see, even if there is God, or Eru as we call him, His son Jesus does not exist yet."
"What? So there's no Christmas?" Merry asked as tears formed in his eyes.
"Merry, you've never once celebrated Christmas." Frodo reminded him.
"I know, but I wish people would tell me something like 'Merry Christmas, Merry' or 'Merry, Merry Christmas'. Just think of all the possibilities!" Merry sniffled then cried quietly into his hands.
"It's ok." Frodo said as he patted Merry on the arm. "I'll bring you a present and tell you one of the elves made it, alright?"
Merry nodded. "Good. Frodo, can you dress up as Santa Clause too?"
Frodo sighed, rolled his eyes, and then finally nodded. "Sure, Merry."
"Yay!" squealed Merry as he grabbed Frodo into a hug.
Sam turned and looked at Pippin while this dialogue went on. "Do you have any idea what they're talking about, Mr. Pippin?"
Pippin looked at Sam. "I'm hungry."
"Why doesn't that surprise me?" Sam muttered.
So, time passed quickly in Rivendell. Time passes very quickly in this story. In fact, it is already December 24th. But that is alright, seeing as no real timeline will be published until the appendices of this story is written, and by that time there will be less hobbits to deal with. That is a narrator's heaven…specifically this narrator.
You know, the plotline about the Ring should not be the focus, don't you think? I mean, yes the story is known as "The Lord of the Rings", but why not change it to the "Lord of the Elves"? Your main character would be, of course, Lord Elrond, or Narrator 3, or just me, and there is so much potential for a novel here! I mean, I'm over three thousand years old, give or take a few thousand or hundred or so. Human years really don't matter when you're immortal. You know I've really been thinking about an autobiography, maybe I should write one. Yes that would be good…then maybe I could quit this job as a Narrator. If it weren't for the contract I wouldn't even be here. I'd rather run a pet shop, you know? People in Rivendell need more pets. You know, maybe I should write a drama about an elf who works in a pet shop…yes that is a brilliant idea…
"Ahem" said several voices.
Elrond (or Narrator 3, whoever I am at the moment) turned around and saw the entire Fellowship standing there.
"What do you want?" Elrond said with a sigh.
"Listen," began Frodo, "I don't mean to be rude but unfortunately this story is not about you. You can make your book or play, whatever you're doing, after my story is over, ok?"
"Your story?" Boromir cut in as everybody groaned slightly. "Little hobbit, I'm afraid that men and the kingdom of Gondor are the heart of this story. I mean, I don't mean to sound like I'm not modest, but when you have the future Steward of Gondor in the story, it just has to be about him!"
"Of course, Boromir," said Frodo, not really listening. "Anyway, Elrond we need to all sign contracts to demand that we stay in our correct parts at all times, and that's why we're here."
"I'm afraid I don't understand." Elrond replied
"Well, it's quite clear," Pippin began, much to everyone's surprise, "to make sure everyone has their proper role, we need to sign binding contracts. These contracts are very detailed and if someone doesn't listen to them, they are removed from the story. Glorfindel, for example, did not follow his contract's guidelines. Has anybody seen him in a while?" everybody shook their heads. "I didn't think so."
"So," Elrond began, "we just sign the contracts and the story can go on?"
"Pretty much, yes." Pippin said. "I actually have them all right here." As he said this, Pippin pulled out several envelopes from the inside pocket of his vest.
Merry stared at Pippin in disbelief as he was handed his envelope. "Where on Middle-earth did you get these and how do you know so much about contracts?"
"You're better off not knowing." Pippin replied as he gave out all the envelopes and opened his own, leaving everybody confused.
However, despite the confusion, the envelopes were opened eagerly (by everyone except Gandalf, who was now slowly drifting off tpo sleep and merely took his envelope and opened it slowly) and everybody read their contracts over (again, except Gandalf, who had finally fallen asleep from reading the contract).
"Boy, this contract is weird!" Frodo said as he read the line: if one loses a finger on the quest, he is not to hold anybody involved in the making of this contract or anyone involved in the story responsible.
"I agree." Boromir said, reading the line: if one of the Fellowship members is killed in the story, he must either resurrect himself or allow his younger brother to sign a contract enabling him to take the fallen member's place.
"So," said Pippin, "is everything all clear? No, Boromir, only put your first name down, we don't need to know ALL of your titles. Aragorn just put one name please. Gandalf, wake up!"
After he said, Boromir reluctantly put his pen down, Aragorn thought about which name to write, and Gandalf awoke with a start and continued to read the contract that had put him to sleep.
"Oh, by the way, Legolas' hair's bodyguards, you will need contracts too to make sure you do not interfere with the actions of the fellowship." The bodyguards nodded as Pippin finished his words, then took and signed their own contracts.
"Who would have thought," Gandalf muttered to Aragorn, "that Peregrin Took would actually talk sense for once?"
"I heard that!" Pippin yelled.
"Sorry," Gandalf said. "It's just…how did you become responsible with contracts?"
"Yeah, how exactly did that happen?" Merry interjected.
Pippin shrugged. "No idea whatsoever."
"Of course…" Merry said as he rolled his eyes.
"So," said Elrond, causing everybody to look at him, "now that all the contracts have been signed…I say it's time we get this ring to Mordor."
The next morning, the company was getting ready to leave. With the exception of Frodo and Merry of course, seeing as Frodo had to dress up like a man known as Mr. S. Clause and give Merry presents (must be a hobbit thing). After Merry got his presents, two carrots and a bag of mushrooms, Frodo and Merry packed and everyone was ready to go.
Well, not quite. Frodo needed to say goodbye to his cousin Bilbo, and he also needed to empty most of the contents of Bilbo's closet—not for his own benefit, of course, but he felt Bilbo would be less respected if he continued to dress like a woman.
When Frodo got to Bilbo's room, he knocked on the door.
"Bilbo?"
There was no response, so Frodo knocked again.
"Bilbo?"
Again, there was no response.
Frodo sighed and came in anyway, hoping he wouldn't see anything he shouldn't. Thankfully for Frodo, Bilbo was just sleeping. Frodo looked around Bilbo's room and smiled.
"You'd think he'd remember I'd be coming…" Frodo said absent-mindedly to himself.
Then, Frodo spotted something shiny. Frodo went over to the shiny object to discover that it was actually Bilbo's old sword, Sting. Frodo picked up the sword and held it, then began to speak aloud to himself.
"You know, this would really help if I fought in battle or something…maybe I should take it just in case…but what's this?" Frodo suddenly noticed small writing on the blade, which read: "WARNING: BLADE GLOWS BLUE WHEN ORCS AND GOBLINS ARE CLOSE. Made in Gondolin."
"Well…that's weird," Frodo shrugged, and then he turned his head and saw what looked like a shirt. "Oh, that looks pretty" Frodo mused to himself as he picked up the shirt.
"It's mithril!" Bilbo said as he sat up from where he was laying down. "Light as a feather, and as hard as dragon scales!" Bilbo then fell back down and snored. Frodo did not question his cousin's behavior; he had learned to never do that.
"You know, maybe I should take these two things with me…Bilbo would want me to." Frodo folded the shirt in his arms, put Sting in its hilt, and walked out, yelling "Bye, uncle!"
"Huh? What's happening?" Bilbo said sleepily as he woke up. "Frodo? Wha? Oh I'm tired…" And with that Bilbo rolled over and fell back to sleep.
"The Ringbearer is setting out on his quest to Mt. Doom." Elrond began to say, as the Fellowship was about to leave Rivendell. The members of the Fellowship were all lined up outside the gate, while the elves of Rivendell were bidding them farewell.
"No oath or bond is laid," continued Elrond, "to go further than you will. Farewell. May the blessings of elves, and men, and all free folk go with you." Elrond nodded a goodbye towards the group.
"The Fellowship awaits the Ringbearer." Gandalf said as Frodo turned around and walked towards the front of the group.
"Wait!" Elrond said suddenly. "I had almost completely forgotten…due to the lack of musical numbers in the story, we need to have a big musical number before the main story actually begins."
"Oh no," Frodo sighed, "Do we have to?"
"Is it in writing that we must do this?" Gandalf asked Elrond.
Elrond nodded.
"Well, let's do this." Gandalf said with a sigh. The entire Fellowship was cleared their throats and began to sing.
Oh, there once was a ringbearer,
Who—
"STOP!!!!" Arwen cried as she ran into the scene. "Don't sing!"
The entire Fellowship was puzzled by her words. "But, the contract says we should." Gandalf said.
"No, it doesn't. The contract says nothing about singing. They just want to record your singing for their own entertainment."
"What?" the Fellowship asked in unison. It was at that moment that they saw all the elves, including Elrond, put away video cameras.
"What's the meaning of this?!" Frodo cried. "Don't you realize we are not that technologically advanced yet? Have you not read the script at all?"
Elrond just stared Frodo in the eye and spoke in a stern voice, "You saw nothing."
Legolas scoffed at Elrond as he spoke. "Oh, please! You know, we Mirkwood elves would never use such devices from the future, let alone reveal we had them if we did!" At that moment, a cell phone fell out of Legolas' bag. One of his Elven bodyguards quickly picked it up, so Legolas wouldn't have to bend down to get it and ruin his hair. Legolas stared at everybody there and said in a stern voice, "you saw nothing."
"Elfling…" Elrond muttered as he rolled his eyes. "Now, get out of here, you lot! You're not supposed to be in Rivendell this long! Time constraints, people…go, save the world!"
"He's right! We need to go!" Gandalf said. "Frodo, turn left, that's how you get to Mordor."
Frodo shrugged. "Alright then."
"No, left!"
"I know, you're right."
"No, left!"
"Oh dear…" Frodo sighed as he put his face in his palm.
With that, the Fellowship began to walk out of Rivendell. One member hesitated, however. Aragorn looked back before he left, at his love Arwen. "Oh Arwen, I--"
"Aragorn!" Arwen said she ran forward to kiss him.
"Stop that!" Gandalf said, coming between the two lovers. "Time constraints, people! Aragorn we must go!"
"But, Gandalf--"
"No buts, we've got to destroy this Ring or die trying, come now."
"But I may never see her again!"
"Well that's nice, Aragorn, but we really need to move on. You can see her again if she decides to die. Come along!" With that, Gandalf grabbed Aragorn by the arm and pulled him away with the Fellowship.
"I'll always love you!" Aragorn called out to Arwen.
"Very well, I love you too, Aragorn." Gandalf replied.
"Not you!"
"Oh, be quiet!"
And so, the Fellowship walked. They came to a rather tall hill, where our camera crew was conveniently located to capture stills of each character and store them into our viewer's memory.
Leading the Fellowship was Gandalf. "Hello," he said as he looked to the cameras. "I am Gandalf. You should know me already as the leader of the Fellowship, and as the brave, powerful wizard of this story." With that, Gandalf walked off.
Next in line was Frodo. "Hello," he said, "I am Frodo Baggins of the Shire. I am carrying the most evil object in the world. The fate of everything rests in my hands. If I were not so innocent, I would surely perish. However, I will not perish. Even better, my blue eyes will charm you into loving me no matter how annoying I can get if the Ring does affect me." With that, Frodo walked off.
Next came Legolas, and his Elven bodyguards. "Why, hello, I am Legolas or Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood. I am by far the oldest person in this group, am wise beyond all comparison, and possess great hair. Speaking of my hair, these are my Elven bodyguards, armed to protect my hair with all of the finest hair care products." As Legolas said this, the wind blew, and some of Legolas' hair was moved. "Protect the hair!" cried the main bodyguard, who then grabbed a can of hairspray out of thin air and sprayed Legolas' hair into place, leaving behind so many questions. With that, Legolas and his Elven bodyguards walked off.
Next was Gimli son of Gloin. "Hello," Gimli said as he held his axe over his shoulder. "I am Gimli. You may know my famous father Gloin; he was on the great journey with Bilbo and Thorin and the other dwarves, and was in a few scenes before this. Most people say I take after him." Gimli chuckled nervously and took a few deep breaths. "So, I am here…on this dangerous quest…very dangerous…" Gimli swallowed a few times and paused to breath. "Well, I…uh…I…oh…" Gimli started sweating and shaking slightly. "Well…very good, very good…LEGOLAS!" With that, Gimli ran after the elf, hating to be in the spotlight.
Next, Sam, Merry, and Pippin walked forward with Bill the Pony. "Hello," said Sam, "I'm Samnotsowise, and this is Bill. You should know us both already from earlier parts of the story."
"Same with me," Merry interjected. "To recap, I am Merry."
"I'm hungry!" Pippin said.
"No, Pip, you're supposed to say your name." Merry said.
"Merry, you just said my name, now I don't have time for this, I need food, let's go!"
Pippin ran off, with Merry and Sam sighing and following behind with Bill.
Next came Boromir. "Greetings, I am sure you all know me, Boromir son of Denethor, future Steward of Gondor." Boromir proudly stuck his chest out and posed for a few seconds. "I am definitely the greatest and most powerful person in this story, after all how could I not be?" Boromir scoffed.
"Oh just be quiet already!" Aragorn interrupted.
"…Excuse me?" Boromir said as Aragorn walked up next to him.
"Hello," Aragorn said at the camera. "I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, who you should remember as Strider from before. I am the future king, but I have never wanted to be so."
"Oh, shut it. Nobody wants to hear your humble story." Boromir said.
Aragorn glared at Boromir. "Alright, let's keep walking."
Aragorn and Boromir began walking away, however the camera crew kept following them.
"What? Show's over, go away please. If you want to see more of the story, wait until the next chapter. Go on, scram!" Aragorn said.
"Piss off!" Boromir yelled at the camera, which just kept moving closer. "What if the camera is a spy?" Boromir asked Aragorn quietly, keeping his eyes on the camera.
"I can take care of this." Aragorn replied.
With that, Aragorn took out his sword and stabbed the camera right in the lens. The screen turned black and white, then colored bars suddenly appeared along with a long beeping sound, and then finally everything faded to black.