Updated 2/5/15

Warning: Somewhat graphic descriptions of injuries from the night before and mention of rape in the past. There was a very brief reference to this in The Mating Game.

Chapter 10

Renji was swimming in and out of consciousness, tossing and turning as he was caught in an extremely disturbing dream. He woke sitting straight up in bed, a cold sweat pouring off his body, "Ichigo!" He didn't realize he'd screamed his mates' name until the bedroom door was flung open and Tessai charged in to see what the matter was.

"Abarai-san, are you alright?" he asked breathlessly as he surveyed the room for damage.

Renji's heart rate began to slow back down to normal. "Yeah, where's Ichigo?" he asked tensely.

"Over here, baka," came the soft answer as the adjoining bathroom door opened and the younger man walked into the room. Renji noticed the bandages adorning his mate's upper body. Ichigo's long legs were covered by sweat pants that were a little too big so he couldn't see if there was any additional damage.

"Are ya ok?" the red head asked a bit hoarsely. Tessai bowed his way out of the room, deciding it was better for the two to talk before any explanations were given.

"Yeah," Ichigo rubbed the back of his neck as he hobbled over to their futon and gingerly sat down. "I only woke up a bit before you. I haven't spoken to anyone else yet."

Renji carefully pulled the younger man into his arms and nuzzled his neck, trying not to press too hard into the bandage there. "What exactly did I do to you?" he asked a bit fearfully, remembering parts of the nightmare that had awoken him. "And how did I get here?"

Ichigo shrugged, "I don't know how either of us got here. Before you get too carried away about me, you need to take stock of your own injuries," Ichigo pointed out. Renji had even more bandages wrapped around his torso and arms as well as his upper legs. When the red head moved, he realized just how stiff he actually was.

"Do you remember what happened last night?" Renji asked his lover. Ichigo shook his head negatively.

"I'm drawing a complete blank." The door slid open and they turned to face Urahara, who was standing there sans fan and hat.

"When you two are ready, meet me in the back room and I'll try to fill in the gaps for you," he said seriously. "Don't worry too much. Your injuries weren't nearly as bad as Love's and Rose's were; which is kind of amazing...all things considered."

The two younger men looked at each other in trepidation as they got up and dressed. It didn't take long before they were seated around the same low table they'd sat at so many times during the Aizen conflict. Urahara poured the tea as Tessai served them a simple breakfast before sitting down beside his boss.

After taking a few bites of the delicious meal, Ichigo asked, "First how did we get here and second, what is it we aren't remembering from last night, Urahara-san?"

"Well, it wasn't last night, Kurosaki-kun. You finished your mating almost a week ago," the blonde replied and then held up a hand to keep the other two men quiet. "It took you two most of the night to finish up and once we were certain you were...ah...done, we brought you upstairs for healing. As for how you both ended up here, we'll discuss that later."

Ichigo and Renji just looked at each other as the blonde continued, "Hachi and Tessai performed the bulk of the healing. You were both banged up pretty badly. Abarai-san, your back was shredded and you had some deep lacerations and puncture marks down your chest and thighs as well, three broken ribs, a dislocated shoulder, and a broken wrist. Ichigo, you weren't in any better shape. You had deep puncture wounds to your neck and chest, probably caused from biting, a broken arm and dislocated hip...as well as anal tearing." The last part was said in a very low tone of voice since Urahara knew neither man would be happy to hear that part. "The good news is that neither of you needed either blood or reiatsu transfusions!" he added in a perky tone, hoping to distract the two younger men.

"That's the good news?" Ichigo asked disbelievingly. "It's not much!"

Renji nodded, feeling nauseous when he realized just how brutally he had treated his lover. He started to pull in on himself as he realized the nightmare that had woken him had likely been a memory of the other night. Ichigo noticed and wasn't having any of that. He scooted over to his lover and wrapped his arms around the bigger man.

"Renji," he began softly, "don't. We knew it wouldn't be an easy experience. There were warnings. It's probably for the best that everything's so fuzzy."

"Ichigo...I never wanted..." the red head paused, "It sounds like I practically raped you. I never wanted that! Never!"

Urahara piped up before either could get too depressed, "That's just how it is Abarai-san. In Hueco Mundo that's the way it is: survival of the fittest, what's wanted is taken, no permission given." He looked at the two sympathetically, "It could have been so much worse. Given the strength and stubbornness you two have, it was a miracle neither of you died. I'm not exaggerating!" he exclaimed when Renji looked doubtful. "The fact that the damage was so minimal," he ignored the dual snorts, "just shows how much you two really do love each other."

"Is this going to happen every heat now?" Renji asked quietly, not quite making eye contact with anyone in the room. Ichigo tried to reach out again but the red head flinched away, so he withdrew and looked at Urahara worriedly.

"No," the blonde answered with certainty. "This was a one-time deal. It's so violent because of the combining that takes place. Once that's done everything settles back down to normal." He was watching Renji carefully. The red head was taking the revelations much harder than he'd anticipated and he saw how uneasy Ichigo was becoming. He tried again to reassure the men, "It was probably easier for you two because you were sharing one hollow rather than drawing on the powers of two."

"What do you mean?" Ichigo asked curiously, his brow furrowing.

"We nearly lost Rose when he and Love finalized their union. Both men needed blood transfusions and Rose also needed a reiatsu infusion. They each have hollow powers so they had a lot more violent energy to draw from. You two were basically using the energy of Ichigo's hollow powers so the violence was cut in half." Both men nodded slowly in understanding.

"It's still not something I'm comfortable with, knowing that I'm capable of..." Renji muttered as he stood up from the table. "I need to think." Ichigo began to stand and Renji backed up, "Alone." He turned and quickly left the room. He needed air and time. He didn't notice how his actions affected his lover, who looked as if his world was falling apart.

After Renji slammed out of the Shoten, Ichigo jumped up to follow but was stopped by a hand gripping his shoulder. "Kurosaki-kun, leave him be for a while," the blonde said with an understanding look at the younger man. "He needs some time."

Ichigo sighed in frustration, "I know! ...I know...but why can't he see that it's not a problem? I understood it could be bad and I thought he realized it too. I know he'd never hurt me under normal circumstances." He rubbed the back of his neck, "I can't even remember anything."

"Well, that might be true right now...but that could change, Ichigo." The older man patted him on his shoulder reassuringly, "I'm sure he'll come around. Eventually."

Ichigo glared, "If you're trying to make me feel better, it's not working!"

Urahara laughed, "Why don't you go see your father and let him know that everything is back to normal, hmm?"

"Normal?" Ichigo asked incredulously. "There's nothing normal about this!" At Urahara's raised eyebrow, the orange head finally nodded with a huff, "Ok. I'll see you later. If Renji comes back before I return, will you let him know where I went?"

"Of course, Kurosaki-kun."

Renji found himself by the river. Sighing, he sat down with a thump and stared off into the distance. He wasn't so much looking at the scenery as he was looking back in time to when he was young and stupid in the Rukongai. Over the years he had only ever given the briefest of hints to Ichigo about what he'd done to keep Rukia, the other children, and himself alive back then. It had taken him years to come to terms with his choices and this incident was bringing everything back.

He heard a step behind him and whipped around to see Love standing there, looking at him curiously. Renji quickly wiped his eyes and faced front as the other man sat down beside him.

"Yo," the Visored said as he looked at the river. "How ya doin' Red?"

Renji snorted, "Fine. Peachy," he continued sarcastically, "I just found out I practically raped and brutalized my lover. How's your day going?"

Aikawa cocked an eyebrow at the younger man and looked at him over his sunglasses, "It coulda' been worse, Red. I almost killed mine."

Renji sighed as he slumped, "I know. It could have been much worse, and that scares the shit out of me. I love him! I've never wanted to hurt him...certainly not like that!"

The older man nodded, "I know what ya mean. I was scared the next time Rose entered his cycle, but it went fine. We went through two cycles after that before he got pregnant and everything was back to normal. Neither of us held what happened against each other and we never will. It's all a part of being Visoreds."

"Well he may not hold it against me...but I do," Renji looked away from the other man.

"If anything you had more physical damage done to you then he did."

"Yeah, well broken bones and bites are nothing in comparison. Have you ever been held down and dry fucked? No lube, and no prep?" At the other man's negative head shake he continued, "Well I have. There is no pain worse then that. It fucks with your head." His breath hitched as he continued, "I swore I'd never inflict that on any living soul...ever. And what did I do? I did it to the one person in any world I'd give my life to protect! As it stands now, I'm afraid to even touch him." The tears had begun flowing in earnest, "And even if he doesn't remember now, he will eventually. And he'll hate me for it!"

Love was silent as he processed what he'd been told. Finally he answered, "I don't think so. If he remembers, he'll be angry...and he might beat the shit outta you, but he won't hate you. You're forgetting the hollow factor here. That power and how it's linked to the two of you was the driving force behind that night. Ichigo knows that. He's had to live with his hollow for a long time. He understands the brutality behind that power much better than you. He expected the violence and is probably grateful neither of you were destroyed."

He paused a second before continuing, "As for the rest, if I were you, I'd tell Ichigo just what you told me. Explain where you're coming from so he gets why this bothers you so much. He'll understand."

Renji finally calmed down and wiped his face again. "It's not a place I like going to. I had no intention of ever telling him fully about that part of my past. Hell, even Rukia doesn't know the details about it."

The Visored grinned, "Rukia may be like a sister to you but Ichigo is your lover; your mate. He needs to know, she don't."

Isshin threw open the door to the house before Ichigo ever had a chance to let him know he was outside. The two men finally settled in the living room sipping cups of coffee as the elder Kurosaki fired question after question at his son.

"Jeez, old man, knock it off already! We're fine, the merging is complete. Once Urahara-san finishes with his research, we'll head back to Soul Society. Until then, hopefully Renji's staying here with me." Ichigo sat back and sighed.

Isshin looked over the rim of his mug, "So what's wrong?"

"During the...uh...merging, quite a bit of damage was done; on both sides. Renji's having issues with his part in it." Ichigo smiled sadly, "He's not a brutal man by nature and this threw him for a loop."

"Don't worry too much, Son. You two will work through it," his father smiled softly. He quickly sat forward and began to act his goofy self. "So when am I gonna be a grandpa!?"

Ichigo scowled, "How am I supposed to know? It'll happen when it happens!"

The big idiot ran over to his wife's poster, "Oh, Masaki! Our baby boy is grown up and going to be a..." he cut off and turned to Ichigo. "What will you be? A mommy or a daddy?" he asked in a normal voice.

His son could only shake his head at his father's complete lack of sanity, "I'm not a woman so I won't be a mommy!" He thought about it for a moment, "We'll be parents. I suppose our children will come up with something to call us. Dad and Father? Pops?" He shrugged, I don't know."

"Ok. Oh Masaki, he's going to be a Poppa!" he cried.

"Dad!"

Once Ichigo escaped his father's overattentive enthusiasm, he headed back to Urahara's. He was about a block away when he felt his lover's reiatsu and followed it to a nearby park. Renji was leaning against a tree as Ichigo entered. He stayed leaning until the younger man was right in front of him, and then he stood away and wrapped his lover in a snug embrace. It didn't take long for Ichigo to reciprocate and hug back.

"We need to talk, Ichigo," the red head murmured into his neck.

"Anytime, love," the younger man smiled in return. Renji pulled away and gripped one of Ichigo's hands as he led him to a secluded part of the park. Ichigo frowned at the serious expression on Renji's face. "If you'd rather not, that's fine too."

Renji sighed and sat down, pulling Ichigo down with him. He maneuvered the younger man into his lap with Ichigo's back pressed to his front. "This is something I never wanted to bring up with you...a part of my life I never wanted to share. However, I want you to understand why this is so hard for me."

Ichigo stayed quiet while Renji gathered his thoughts and then began. "When Rukia and I were kids, we ran with a gang. You remember what we told you about them?"

Ichigo smiled, "Yeah, your group stole so the younger kids could eat and survive."

"Yeah. As we got older, one by one they fell until only Rukia and I were left. We continued to support the younger children that gravitated to us. We worked hard to protect them. One Autumn several of the younger ones came down sick and we needed medicine to take care of them. One of the local businessmen offered Rukia a job. She had no clue what he wanted her to do for the money and she told me about the offer. I convinced her I could go in her place because it wasn't work she'd be able to complete. You see, Ichigo, I knew what he did for a living."

He paused and took a deep breath, "He ran a whorehouse. He was always looking for the sweet and innocent girls to defile. I'd heard the stories about him and I wasn't going to let that happen to her!"

"So you went in her place," it wasn't a question. Ichigo tried to turn around and look at his mate but Renji wouldn't let him.

"Don't. If you look at me now I won't be able to finish." Ichigo nodded and settled back against the older man.

"And yeah, I went instead. It wasn't too bad at first although all of the clients were male. They weren't exactly decent, but they treated me well enough and I got paid very well. About a month after I began, the owner of the place took me aside and complimented me. He then told me that there was a very special client that he wanted me to service and if I did well, he'd pay me triple what I'd been earning. I didn't think. It meant that I could stop and our group would have food and all the essentials through the winter months; so I agreed.

"It was the worst mistake of my life, Ichigo. The guy was good looking, in fact the best of the bunch when it came to looks and fitness. But he had a nasty kink. He loved taking unwilling, and unprepared, partners. He got off on the screaming," his breathing had become ragged by this time and his voice fell to a whisper. Ichigo swore he felt tears soaking through his shihakusho but he sat still and let his lover finish.

"It took him hours to tire of me. I was unconscious when he left and he made sure to leave me a sizable tip for 'being the best fuck ' he'd ever had. Rukia and I knew a woman who was talented with Kido and she worked on me which is why I healed so well, but still...it took me weeks to heal."

By this time both men were crying; Renji for all of the obvious reasons and Ichigo out of grief for what his lover had been through. "Renji..." he was finally able to turn to face the other man and wrapped his arms around his shaking shoulders and his legs around his waist. Once the shaking stopped he continued, "It's amazing that you could be intimate with anyone after that."

Renji barked out a harsh laugh, "It took a long time. Even longer before I could bottom again. You're the first partner I've regularly submitted to in decades. I love you so much, Ichigo." He sighed as he felt his lover's fingers stroking along his scalp. "It killed me this morning when I realized that I'd basically done the same thing to you that he did to me!"

Ichigo closed his eyes and thought, 'Now how do I answer this? How do I reassure him?' He continued to slowly run his fingers through the soft red hair. "It's not the same Renji. No, don't pull away," he added when he felt the other man stiffen. "Let me finish.

"I trust you with everything I am. On one level I had to force you to take what belongs to you...that would be me," he smiled. "But underneath I knew you would never willingly hurt me. That is an absolute. I am not traumatized, and I'm more than fine with the outcome. You completely answered my hollow's concerns and as weird as it sounds, you satisfied his need for me to be protected when he can't do it. I know without a doubt that when you're in your right mind that you would never ever hurt me like that."

Renji finally relaxed into Ichigo's arms and buried his face in the crook of his lover's neck. He sighed, inhaling the younger man's scent deeply. "You don't hate me and you're not afraid of me?" he asked tentatively.

"Of course I don't hate you and," here he snorted, "I have never ever been frightened of you."

"Okay...now I don't know if I should be happy or insulted," the red head answered dryly.

Ichigo grinned in relief at how normal he sounded, "If I were you, I'd take it as a compliment."

A/N: This chapter came about due to the lack of fighting and violence in the last one. ^^ I had a good build up but some thought the follow-through was a bit disappointing. That was fine with me and I took it to heart. Since I had no intention of re-writing chapter 9, it became the beginning of the action and the rest happened "off camera" with chapter 10 being the aftermath of the whole thing. I hope it worked. :)

I think this is the darkest chapter I've ever written. But it seemed appropriate here. It's also one of the most difficult I've ever tried to write. (Sighs...)