Notes: This is the last installment of Letters to Sara, and it was by far the most difficult to write. What you're getting is the sixth draft! The italicized lines are Sara's farewell letter to Grissom. I have loved writing this story and have been thrilled with your response to it. Thank you so very much to those of you who stuck with this story until the end; you make writing stress-relieving and enjoyable for me!
CSICSICSICSICSI
Dearest Sara,
You're gone. I have your letter committed to memory; I've read it more times than I care to admit and even though it is committed to memory, I carry it in my pocket, where it is becoming difficult to read because I've folded and unfolded the paper so many times. I suppose that every time I unfold that letter, I hope it says something different, or I simply hope to pretend I still smell the scent of your hair brushing against my cheek and can still feel and taste your lips on mine as you kissed me goodbye the same day you left me that letter. Oh, how I wish I'd known that was a farewell kiss, Sara. I was just not smart enough to chase after you right away. No, I had to spend 2 minutes listening to Hodges ramble on about my soil samples while you were leaving me. God, Sara, I wish I had known.
Gil, You know I love you. I feel I've loved you forever.
Sara, I am struggling so hard to accept those words right now. Do you love me? Most of me feels like you do, and all of me wants to believe those three little words, but if you love me, why couldn't you tell me how badly you're hurting? Why couldn't I be a shoulder for you to cry on? Why did you not tell me you needed to escape Vegas?
Lately, I haven't been feeling very well. Truth be told, I'm tired.
I know, Sara, I know. And it's okay. It's okay to experience burn-out. We all do at some point. I left on sabbatical. You helped me through that time greatly, Sara. You know how much I appreciated being able to talk with you about how frustrated and depressed our job was making me. You know how much I valued being able to discuss my options for dealing with my burn-out with you. You know how grateful I was for your presence and your comfort during that rough time, as you refilled my migraine prescription, as you gave me countless facial massages and back rubs, as you let me take lengthy, extremely hot showers, even though wasting all that water and energy went against everything you stand for, as you encouraged me to take the four week teaching position even though it meant we'd be apart that long, and as you simply made me happy by smiling at me and welcoming me home with an embrace after those long, hard nights at work.
I know that you're still reeling from the aftermath of being kidnapped. As much as you've tried to hide it, I know you're still having terrifying nightmares. i know you're afraid of the desert and I know you feel silly for being afraid of the Nevada terrain we live and work in; you feel it's irrational to fear the entire desert or even just the small piece of desert you were trapped in and roamed through because the desert isn't to blame for the horrible things that happened to you. You've even be angry with me for refusing to send you to process any DB dump sites in the desert since your return to work, but how can you blame me for that? I couldn't risk forcing you to relive your tragedy any more than you already do every morning when you try to sleep; besides, you know I couldn't have sent you out to the desert without SPF 50 and my so-called "dorky" sun hat after how badly burnt you got out there.
I know you've been feeling unwell and tired, both physically and mentally, just like I was (although admittedly, I feel your situation is significantly worse than my burn-out period was), and I was, and still am, more than willing to get you through this. I want to be here for you like you were for me. I want to show you how much I love you.
Out in the desert, under the car that night, I realized something and I haven't been able to shake it. Since my father died, I spent almost my entire life with ghosts. We've been like close friends and out there in the desert, it occurred to me, that it was time for me to bury them. I can't do that here. I'm so sorry.
Oh, Sara, don't you ever be sorry for your feelings. I just wish you had shared them with me. Please, Sara, bury your ghosts and then come back to me. If you need me to help you bury them, or even if you don't need me to and even if you flat out don't want me to, please call me. Let me come to you. Catherine told me to take a few days off to go after you, but I told her that isn't what you want. I believe that's true. I felt like I knew you so well, and the Sara I knew wouldn't want me to run after you as if we live in a romantic fantasy world, but Sara, I want to run after you. Can I? I don't care about the lab. I'll leave it permanently if you want me to. We can live in a state without desert or even in a different country, somewhere green. I'd gladly follow you to the end of the world, but I need you to tell me you want me to; I respect your need for space right now, even though I'd rather not. I miss your touch. And your smile. And your scent. And your presence on our team at the lab. And everything about you.
No matter how hard I try to fight it off, I'm left with a feeling that I have to go. I have no idea where I'm going, but I know that I have to do this. If I don't, I'm afraid I'll self-destruct, and worse, you'll be there to see it happen.
Honey, it would hardly be worse for me to see you "self-destruct" than it is for me to deal with the pain of you leaving. In fact, I would dearly love to be the shoulder you could cry on, the one you could trust to shoulder your pain for you. Do you remember when you first told me about your father's death? I'm sure you do. I'm also sure you have no idea that right then and there in your living room as I held your hand and watched you cry, I knew I had to let myself love you. I knew then and there that you needed me as much as I had always felt I needed you. I also had never before been so breathtakingly aware of your beauty and spirit.
Know that I tried very hard to stay. Know that you're my one and only. I will miss you with every beat of my heart. Our life together was the only home I've ever really had. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love you… I always will. Goodbye.
No, Sara, I'm begging you not to make this goodbye. It can't be. You said you'd marry me. Please, Sara, come back to me or let me come to you. When you kissed me so tenderly in front of Hodges two days ago, I was taken aback, but experienced a rather giddy feeling of pure love. You made me happy. I've been sad since. I am not sure whether or not I've even showered. I think perhaps I haven't because Nick hinted that maybe I needed one. The team misses you, too, and they're all sad you're gone, but even through their own pain and sadness, they're all bending over backwards to help me get through this time. They mean well and I appreciate their efforts, but I wish they'd all just leave me alone because in all of my alone minutes, I can think of you.
Please let me know where you are. You just told me to be safe. I ask the same of you. You will always be my one and only, Sara. I am not sure if I can miss you with every beat of my heart because part of me thinks my heart has stopped beating. Our life together has made me truly happy. When we were together, my life was balanced full of love and life. I wouldn't trade our life together for anything, either. I also am not ready to give it up, Sara. I love you, too, and I always will. Please come back to me. I need you.
All my love always, Gil