Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. If I did, than Clintasha would totally be canon. And they would be in every movie and have their own tv series.
A/N
Thankyou everyone for all the lovely reviews you have left me! I'm so glad that people have really enjoyed the last few chapters of Clint and Phil bonding. Those two are so precious together!
Reviews are also precious to me! Thank you, NerdGirl1210, NCISJunkie14, Ren O'neil, Freeranger and Guest, for your lovely reviews. I treasure every one of them!
Freeranger wrote the epilogue at the end of this chapter, that masterpiece is credited to her. jaguarspot also is credited with the beta-reading. Any mistakes that remain are mine.
And so we come to the end...or not. Enjoy!
Without Trust, you have nothing. Tamara Ecclestone
Chapter 10: I can feel your sorrow
A few weeks later.
Phil sighed as he stepped out onto the moonlight-bathed roof of the SHIELD safe house in Gothenburg.
"I had a feeling that I might find you up here."
Clint didn't turn around from where he was sitting right on the edge of the roof.
"Why did you have a feeling?"
Phil sighed again as he walked forward and sat down next to his agent, who shuffled over to make room for him. This safe house wasn't that small inside, but the roof space was tiny. Even though they were only three stories off the ground, Phil was very careful not to look down.
"I had a feeling that this might be difficult for you, being your first official mission and all. Agent Barton."
Clint turned to face Phil as he shook his head.
"I'm still getting my head around that bit. I still don't feel like I deserve to be an agent of SHIELD."
Phil sighed softly.
"You've well and truly earned the title of agent Clint. What you've overcome in the last six months is astounding. You deserve to be here more than anyone else that I know."
"Want to talk about what's bothering you tonight?"
Clint shrugged.
"Nothing to talk about. I can't sleep."
"Can't, or won't?"
Clint's shoulders hunched slightly. It was an unconscious reflex, and as soon as Clint realised what he'd done he forcibly relaxed them. It was only then that he answered Phil.
"A bit of both. I did go to sleep earlier on, but the nightmares woke me up less than an hour later. Right now, going back to sleep is a lost cause. It's just not worth going to bed, especially as I have trouble sleeping when I'm on a job. I always have. It's better not to tempt fate."
Phil just sighed. There was no pity in his voice when he spoke, just acceptance.
"What were the dreams about tonight that you gave up on sleep completely?"
"My contract assassin days. Even though you keep telling me things are different now, knowing that I'm going to kill someone tomorrow..." Clint's voice was barely above a whisper as he trailed off "it doesn't feel that different."
"It is different Clint. You've read the file. Henrik Lundberg is not a good man. You don't have to feel guilty about getting rid of him, he has it coming. He is half-way up SHIELD's kill list for a very good reason."
Clint's shoulders drooped.
"I know he's on their shit list because he is a rapist and a murderer. It's just hard. Even though I know things are different now, going through the same motions brings back bad memories."
Phil nodded in acceptance and silent understanding.
"Do you want to talk about the memories? They certainly aren't doing any good being bottled up inside you. Sharing them with someone might even help you learn to deal with them."
Even though Barton had admitted what his nightmares were about some time ago, he had yet to share any specific details with Phil. He kept it all bottled up inside him, much to Phil's chagrin. Phil had spent more nights then he cared to count up on the roof of the SHIELD base with Clint over the last couple of months. Not talking, but simply being a comforting presence to remind the young assassin that he wasn't alone anymore, as he struggled to deal with the guilt and self-loathing that threatened to consume him.
Phil wished there was an easy way to show Clint that what he was doing now was different to what he'd done before. If he could just show him that, then the young assassin might start to forgive himself for his past. Phil thought hard as he sat there. There had to be something that he could do.
As Phil continued to think about it, a nugget of an idea began forming in his brain. As the idea grew, Phi internally smiled.
That just might work.
Clint glanced at Coulson quickly, before he looked away. He didn't want to see the sympathy and understanding he knew would be reflected in his handler's eyes.
Clint didn't want sympathy. He really didn't.
He had no one but himself to blame for the nightmares. After all the evil things he'd done in his life, he deserved them.
At least that was what he constantly told himself.
So, Clint looked away and shrugged without answering Coulson's question.
Coulson groaned.
"Clint, talk to me. Come on. We've discussed all of this before. Do I really have to repeat myself again?"
Clint's shoulders slumped at hearing the resigned and even hurt tone of his handler's voice.
"No. Hearing and believing are two different things however. Still working on that last one."
His handler closed his eyes briefly and sighed as he rubbed his forehead.
"Well. I can't wait for the day when you trust me enough to start believing what I tell you is true, Clint. Because it is."
They sat there in silence for a while. Clint kept stealing glances at his handler, as he internally debated whether to tell Coulson about the memory that had been haunting him tonight.
His handler was right about one thing. Keeping everything bottled up was only making it worse.
It wasn't that Clint didn't trust Phil. He did. But Clint had had to hide his feelings and deal with them by himself for so long, that the thought of opening up to anyone now terrified him. To confide in someone in the past, had always led to him eventually being hurt by them.
Phil was different though. Clint knew that his handler wouldn't deliberately hurt him in any way. It wasn't in his nature.
Rather, he would try and make everything better in typical Phil-style.
It was that thought that finally decided the matter for Clint.
"Tim and Lauren Kimble."
Phil blinked at him. He'd obviously been miles away.
"Huh?"
Clint almost smiled at seeing the usually calm and unflappable Agent Coulson looking slightly flustered. But this was no matter to smile about.
"That's who I dreamt about tonight. They were an elderly couple, living out their retirement in Lithuania. I took them out with two arrows, one through each of their hearts while they were walking out in their back garden. Their adult daughter witnessed it. Her screams of terror..."
Clint couldn't finish the sentence. Instead, he buried his face in his hands as if trying to bury the memory.
When no more information was forthcoming, Coulson gently laid his hand on Clint's shoulder.
"Thank you for sharing this with me, Clint. I know how difficult it is for you to talk about any aspects of your past. But thank you. For finally trusting me, and letting me in."
Clint gave a sound that could be interpreted as an attempt at a laugh. Providing you had a very good imagination.
"I think that I have trusted you for some time Phil. I was just too scared to admit it out loud before now."
Phil gently squeezed Clint's shoulder.
"That's understandable. You didn't have a good reason to trust anyone. You had to be given a good reason to before you could trust me. I get it Clint."
Coulson's calm and non-judgemental acceptance of Clint's past sins, and his current fears, was a hell of a lot more than Clint had ever dared hope for. Clint couldn't fathom what he'd done to deserve having someone as genuine, caring and understanding as Coulson was in his life.
But he wasn't about to give it up if he could help it.
Coulson had been the first person to crack the steel-enforced exterior that Clint had been forced to build to protect himself. It had been a long and rough road, but the stoic Agent hadn't once given up on Clint. In spite of all signs pointing to the contrary, Coulson had firmly believed there was good left in Clint. It hadn't mattered what other people, including Clint, saw.
He'd been the first person to believe that there was good in Clint in a long time.
Clint just hoped that he could live up to the Agent's faith in him, and not let him down.
Less than twelve hours later, SHIELD's Safe house, Gothenburg.
Phil knocked on the door to Clint's room, and waited for a verbal acknowledgement from the archer, before stepping inside. Clint had already finished packing the few belongings he'd brought with him on this mission, and was sitting on his bed staring out the window.
Phil softly cleared his throat to get Clint's attention. He waited until the archer turned to face him before he spoke.
"I've got something for you."
Phil didn't say anything else, just held out a small brown paper wrapped parcel.
"I didn't quite know when to give this to you. But I figured that now is as good a time as any. Sorry about the shoddy wrapping job. The language barrier did not help. Believe me; it was better than shiny fluorescent pink paper."
Clint stared at Phil.
"But I haven't gotten you anything."
Phil groaned.
"And you don't have to. I didn't have to get you this, Clint. I wanted to. You are not obliged to do anything special for me in return. Letting me in and allowing me to be a part of your life is more than enough reward. Now please take this parcel. My arm is getting sore holding it out to you."
Clint grinned.
"Whiner."
"If you'd just take the damn parcel I wouldn't have to whine." Phil's voice softened as he made eye contact. "There are no strings attached to this Clint. I promise."
Clint found that he believed him. It was that surprising thought that caused Clint to give in. Rising from the bed in one fluid motion, he slowly reached out, and took the small parcel from Phil's hand. Sitting back down on the bed with his left leg tucked under him, Clint fingered the paper hesitantly.
"Can I open it now?"
Phil almost rolled his eyes, but the hesitation and uncertainty that was clearly evident in Clint's whole posture stopped him. Instead, he sat down on the only chair in the room as he nodded.
"Of course you can. I didn't get it for decoration."
Clint carefully peeled back the paper. Phil would have just torn it, but it was clear that Clint wasn't used to receiving gifts, and was unsure what to do. That being the case, Phil waited patiently. Finally, the last layer of paper was peeled back, and his patience was rewarded with a soft gasp.
Phil smiled.
"Do you like it?"
Clint didn't answer right away. Instead, he carefully picked up the small black leather bound notebook that he'd unwrapped. He'd initially thought that it was unused. But when he opened it, a single line of writing in black ink on the front page caught his attention.
People saved by Clint Barton AKA Hawkeye.
The rest of the creamy white pages were blank. Clint spent some time just staring at the words that were written in Coulson's neat script. Finally, he looked up at his handler, who was watching him with a small smiled on his face.
"What is this for?"
Phil looked at Clint with an intense expression.
"As you beat yourself up so much over the people that you have killed," he ignored Clint's involuntary wince, "and so that you will be able to see the positive difference that you are making, I thought that you should start a list. After a mission, I want you to write down all the names of those that your actions have saved on that mission. Whether they are civilians, allies or other SHIELD agents, it doesn't matter. Can you do that for me Clint?"
Clint had to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat.
"You bought this for me, just so that I could see that things aren't like they used to be?"
Phil nodded gently.
"Yes. What you are doing for SHIELD is different Clint. I don't want you to doubt yourself or your actions. I know that you have a ledger that is full of red, and that it is haunting you. It is my hope that, by starting a new physical one with all the names of those you save in it, one day you will start to believe what I've been telling you from the beginning. It is my hope that one day you might be able to forgive yourself for all the bad things that you've done."
Clint had to swallow again as he ran a calloused finger over the smooth black leather cover of the notebook. Finally, he looked at Coulson.
"Do you really think that it could help?"
Phil shrugged.
"I don't know. I just hope that it will. I certainly don't think that it can hurt. Do you?"
Clint actually had to think about that.
"No, it probably can't. I can write down the name of anyone that I save? It doesn't matter who they are? What if I don't know their name?"
"Then write down general information. For example, 'old lady in Singapore', 'school children in Massachusetts' those sorts of things."
"What about times like today, where there is no tangible person who I saved by shooting Lundberg? It's a bit late for his victims."
"Then write something like 'people who would have been victims of Henrik Lundberg' or something along those lines. It's up to you what you write Clint. I just want you to be able to see evidence of those that you save."
Clint gently closed the small book, and hugged it to his chest as he bowed his head. Eventually he looked up at Phil with tears in his eyes and an expression that was no longer full of despair, but determination and hope. As soon as he saw that expression, Phil knew that he'd done the right thing.
Whether a small black leather bound notebook was going to help with the guilt that Clint carried, Phil didn't know.
Only time would reveal the answer.
But for now, as he looked at the hope shining in Clint's eyes as he hugged the small book to his chest, Phil knew he'd done the right thing.
Epilogue:
"Why did you request this meeting, S1?" the deep voiced man asked. His tone held no warmth.
"I have information on Hawkeye, Boss." The other person, S1, answered evenly.
"I see. What have you found out?" There was obvious interest in the Boss's voice, now.
There was a rustle of fabric in the dark room, followed by the unmistakable crinkling of paper. S1 handed the Boss a folded piece of paper.
"I found that this morning. I thought you would like to know ASAP."
The Boss unfolded the paper and shone a small penlight on it. For a minute he read in silence before he looked across the small table at S1. The light only served to hide his face in heavy shadows beneath a deep hood.
"I believe this will be very useful. You did well to find it." His voice was satisfied.
When S1 spoke, the smirk was audible in his voice.
"Thank you, Boss. What happens now?"
The Boss's teeth glinted in the penlight's faint light as he smiled evilly. "Now," he drew the words out, "we enact Phase 3 in SHIELD."
The cold air in the dark room seemed to grow colder at his words.
To be continued in...
Game of Truth and Lies
When Barton goes missing while on a mission, and a member of the WSC is kidnapped, all signs point to the archer being the perpetrator. However, there is fowl play afoot and no one can be trusted, especially as there is a mole within SHIELD. Will the truth be found out before it is too late? *CSC Universe*
And so we finish with a chilling reminder that dark days are coming. Clint, Phil and co. are up against a formidable enemy, an enemy who would kill them all without a second thought if he stood to gain something from their deaths.
I do like high stakes! It keeps things from becoming boring.
The song that I have used as the chapter titles is 'Frozen' by Within Temptation. The song perfectly describes my Clint and his sometimes rocky relationship with Phil. I highly recommend everyone goes and give it a listen to.
Thankyou to all who reviewed, followed or favourited this story or me as an author. Even though this story has finished, I would still love to know your thoughts, so feel free to leave a review on any of my stories or send me a PM. I would love to hear from you!
I hope that everyone will join me for our next instalment whenever it comes out! I have the above story kind-of planned out, but have no idea when it will be written, sorry. In the meantime, I have a few shorter stories taking place in the same universe that I will be posting over the next few months, including a tie-in with the Thor movie from Clint's POV and a Christmas one-shot that takes place early in the timeline of Fractured Trust.
I hope that you will all join me for them!
In the meantime, Australianranger012 out.