Let Your Heart Hold Fast
Chapter 10
A month after Neal started Kindergarten, things were going better. Neal was doing better in school, especially academically. Mr. Parker had a meeting with Peter and Elizabeth, explaining to them that he felt like Neal needed to be challenged a little more. Neal was leaps and bounds ahead of the other kindergartners, especially in reading, writing and creative aspects.
Mr. Parker suggested skipping Neal ahead to the first grade, but Peter and Elizabeth were reluctant to alienate Neal from the other students. He was already one of the smallest students in the school, so moving him ahead would only intensify that. Together, they came up with a plan to move him into an advanced reading group and to give him more advanced writing projects to do at home. The Burkes also agreed to enroll him in an extra-curricular art class, something they had already been planning on anyway.
The situation with Patrick had improved, as well, although there were still occasional run-ins between the two. These run-ins were usually stopped by Leah, although there were a few times that both Neal and Patrick had to sit on the time-out bench at recess.
Things at home were an entirely different story, though. Neal's nightmares were getting worse and he ended up climbing into bed with Peter and Elizabeth most nights. Because of these nightmares, Neal never wanted to go to sleep, either, making their usual bedtime routine miserable for all of them.
It seemed that as soon as dinner was over, Neal practically became a different child, knowing that it was almost bedtime. Bath time became a battle of wills between Neal and whoever was helping him. He would refuse to cooperate in any way, causing Peter or Elizabeth to have to both physically place him in the tub and remove him. By the time the bath was over, they were all exhausted. Peter and Elizabeth knew what was going on in his little head and were frustrated that they couldn't help him through it. Elizabeth finally set up an appointment with a child psychologist, hoping that would help, but the appointment was two weeks away.
Neal had also become clingier the closer it came to bedtime. Peter would often read Neal two stories, hoping to settle his soul, but the boy would still look terrified to fall asleep. Eventually, either Peter or Elizabeth would lay down with Neal and stay long after the boy finally fell asleep. Regardless of their efforts, though, Neal always woke up screaming from a nightmare. Some nights he wanted Elizabeth to hold him, other nights he wanted Peter. He could never remember what his dreams were about, but both Elizabeth and Peter had their own theory.
Finally, the day came for Neal to see Dr. Lennox. Elizabeth and Peter took the day off, and Neal stayed home from school. Peter made the mistake of telling Neal that they were taking him to the doctor, a thought that made him extremely unhappy.
"I don't wanna go to the doctor, Peter! I hate doctors!" Neal cried. "Please, don't make me go!"
"Neal, it's okay. This doctor is really nice and Elizabeth and I will be right there with you."
"But, I'm not sick, Peter. I don't need a doctor." Neal argued.
Elizabeth bent down in front of Neal. "Neal, this is a special doctor. She's going to help us figure out why you keep having bad dreams, that's all."
"You promise she's not gonna shoot me?" Neal asked. "Leah said she went to the doctor and got shot! She said it really hurt!"
"Neal, doctor's don't shoot people. Leah probably meant that she got a shot of medicine in her arm, sweetie. It only hurts for a few minutes and then you're all better."
"I don't want a shot, Lizbef, okay? Promise?"
"I promise, Neal. No shots."
By the time they arrived at their appointment, Neal, Elizabeth and Peter were all nervous wrecks. None of them had slept well the night before, thanks to a particularly bad nightmare that actually made Neal throw up.
As they waited in the waiting room, Neal sat curled up next to Elizabeth, holding a strand of her hair in his fingers, as he watched a boy a few years older than him playing with a plastic dump truck.
"Wouldn't you like to play with some of the toys, Neal?" Elizabeth gently asked.
"No, thank you, Lizbef. My magination needs to rest, I think."
Elizabeth passed a smile to Peter, who was watching Neal closely. Elizabeth knew that Peter was feeling totally helpless in all of this. He was used to being able to solve problems on his own, but this particular problem was way out of his league.
"Neal, why don't you sit with Peter for a minute, okay? I need to talk to that lady at the front desk."
Elizabeth watched as Neal climbed down from his chair and climbed up onto Peter's lap. She couldn't keep from smiling at the sight of the two of them. Grabbing a book off of a nearby table, she handed it to her husband. "Maybe you two could read a story while I'm gone."
Neal smiled at that, eager to listen to Peter tell him a story.
Dr. Lennox welcomed them into her office, which looked a lot like a comfortable living room. Other than the diplomas and certificates on the wall, it was very homey and not very business-like. Elizabeth and Peter sat down on a comfortable sofa with Neal wedged in between them, after introducing themselves to Dr. Lennox.
"Hello, Neal….my name is Dr. Lennox, but most of my patients call me Dr. Hope. How are you?"
With an encouraging look from Elizabeth, Neal sat up straighter and looked at the doctor. "Hi, Dr. Hope."
"Well, Neal, Elizabeth told me on the phone a little about what's been going on at home, but before we talk about that, I thought we could get to know each other a little bit. Is that okay?"
Neal nodded, looking down at his hands.
"How about if I go first? My name is Abigail Hope, but I've always gone by my middle name. I'm thirty-five years old. My husband is a doctor, too, but he takes care of kids when they're sick. We have two children, a boy and a girl, who are both eight years old. I like to read and I like to ski. And I hate asparagus and liver."
Neal watched her closely, as she continued to talk about things that she liked or didn't like. Eventually, though, she asked him if he could tell her a little about himself. Neal shrank back into the couch, not really wanting to talk about himself, but again, Elizabeth gave him an encouraging look.
"Maybe you could start by telling her your full name and how old you are, sweetie. And tell her something that you like. That wouldn't be too hard, right?"
Neal looked at the doctor for a long minute, before answering. "My name is Neal George Caffrey and I'm five years old. I'm in kindergarten. I like to draw and I hate asparagus, too."
"Wow! Thank you, Neal, for sharing. I'd love to hear more. Can you tell me a few other things you like?"
Neal looked quickly at Peter and Elizabeth before continuing. "I like Satchmo. He's our dog and he's really big. Sometimes he jumps on me, but he doesn't mean to knock me down. He's just really, really happy to see me. I like to take him for a walk. Elizabeth won't let me go by myself. She's afraid I might get lost, but I never get lost, especially now that I'm five."
After getting Neal to tell her a few more things about himself, Dr. Lennox decided to approach the subject of his nightmares.
"Neal, it seems like a lot has happened to you recently and that you keep having bad dreams at night. Elizabeth told me that your mommy went to Heaven and that you went to live with your aunt and uncle. I'm sorry about your mommy, Neal. I'm sure you miss her very much."
Neal's eyes clouded over at the change of subject and both Peter and Elizabeth could feel his body stiffen. "I miss her a lot and Lizbef says she loved me very much."
"I'm sure she did, Neal. That's how mommies are. Can I ask you a question about your aunt and uncle?" At Neal's nod, she continued. "Did you know them before you went to live with them, Neal?"
The three adults had to listen closely when Neal answered in a much softer voice. "I knew Jenna from stories my mommy told me. I think I met her once, but I was really little. I never met William until that day that Jenna took me away."
"I bet you were very brave that day, Neal. It must have been scary to leave your home like that."
"Jenna didn't even let me take my toys. She said we didn't have time, and that William was waiting for us in the car. She made me leave everything there."
"I'm sorry to hear that, Neal. I bet that made you sad, didn't it?"
Neal nodded. "I wish I didn't have to go with them. I didn't like them."
After a few more questions, Dr. Lennox could tell that Neal was getting tired. "Neal, I think we've talked enough for the day, but I'd like to ask you to do something for me, okay? I'm going to see you again on Friday, and I would like it if you could go home and draw me two pictures and bring them back Friday. I'd like you to draw me a picture of something that makes you feel scared and something that makes you feel safe. Do you think you can do that?"
"I can do that," Neal answered. "I'm a really good drawer."
"That's what I hear," Dr. Lennox answered. "Now, if you go over to the window, there's some juice and cookies waiting for you. I'd like to speak with Peter and Elizabeth before you leave."
Neal quickly walked over to the window, happy to see that the cookies were chocolate chip. Dr. Lennox turned back to Peter and Elizabeth. "He did great today, Mr. and Mrs. Burke. I didn't expect him to open up so easily, but I think that says a lot about how safe he feels with the two of you. I can tell that the three of you are exhausted, obviously from the frequent interruptions of the nightmares, but for now I'm going to ask you to be patient. I don't want to push Neal too hard or too fast, so we'll be taking this somewhat slow. In the meantime, I want you to try to encourage Neal to stay in his own bed at night. When he wakes up, go to him and stay with him until he falls asleep again. If he comes to you, wanting to sleep with you, take him back to his room and do the same thing. Neal needs to learn that he's safe in his room."
Dr. Lennox looked at both Peter and Elizabeth. "Neal's been through a lot this past year, but he's a remarkable boy. The two of you are doing an amazing job with him and he's extremely lucky to have you. A child like Neal doesn't do well in the foster care system. He needs one on one attention. I know things can be rough at times, but with a little patience and perseverance, things will be okay. Hang in there, and if you need to talk, I'm available."
After saying goodbye to the doctor, Peter and Elizabeth led Neal out to the car. "What do you say we get some ice cream, Neal?" Peter asked.
"Really? Wow, wait til I tell Leah I got ice cream without even getting shot. She'll be jealous!"
Elizabeth and Peter laughed loudly at that.
Once they were home, Neal went directly to his bedroom and started drawing the pictures Dr. Lennox had asked for. He spent a whole hour drawing quietly, allowing Peter and Elizabeth to both rest quietly on their bed. Eventually, though, they heard the sound of a rambunctious Neal playing with an equally rambunctious Satchmo in the living room. Peter jumped out of bed and raced downstairs, before something was broken.
"Whoa, there, Neal," he said, as he grabbed the little boy around the waist, before he could jump off the back of the sofa. "What do you think you're doing, little man? You know better than to jump on the furniture."
"I wasn't jumping on the furniture, Peter. I was jumping off of it," Neal answered, matter-of-factly.
"Either way, Neal, you know that's not allowed." He put Neal down on the floor. "You could very easily fall and hurt yourself doing that."
Neal rolled his eyes. "I'm not going to fall, Peter. I have monkey blood, remember?"
"No jumping on or off the furniture, Neal," Peter said, sternly. "Monkey blood or not, it's dangerous."
"Peter…..I bet you used to jump off the sofa when you were five, didn't you?"
"I sure did, Neal, and do you know what happened? I broke my mom's flower vase and when my dad came home, he was really mad."
"What happened, Peter? Did you have to go to bed early?"
"I sure did, Neal. And, my dad spanked me. I never climbed on the furniture after that."
Neal looked up at Peter, his eyes huge in his little face. "He spanked you? That's awful, Peter."
"Well, my brother's and I knew that we weren't supposed to jump on the furniture, Neal. We chose to do it anyway, so we broke the rules."
Neal looked at Peter knowingly. "You were being disbedient and unruly, weren't you, Peter?"
"Yes, Neal, we were definitely being disobedient and unruly, just like you."
Neal's eyes got even bigger at that. "Peter?" he asked in a small voice. "I'm sorry for being disbedient. You're not going to s-s-spank me, are you?"
"Not today, little man. But, consider this your only warning, okay? If you choose to jump on the furniture again, I just might."
Neal looked completely relieved at these words. "Come on, Satchmo….let's go play outside, before I forget and jump on the furniture again." With that, he quickly went out in the backyard, making sure he was far away from temptation.
Peter and Elizabeth woke up to the sound of Neal screaming once again. Running into his room, they found him sitting up in his bed, crying for Elizabeth. Elizabeth ran to him and gathered him up in her arms, whispering soft words of comfort into his ear. Peter stood by helplessly, not knowing what to do to help.
"Neal, can you tell me what your dream was about, sweetie?" Elizabeth asked, gently.
Neal started crying even harder, as he clung even tighter to Elizabeth. "Don't let her take me, Lizbef. Please! I don't want her to take me!"
"Who, Neal?" Elizabeth asked.
"Jenna! She's going to take me away, Lizbef! Don't let her, okay?"
"Oh, sweetie…..We won't let Jenna take you, I promise! You're safe here, Neal. Peter and I are right here, okay? Satchmo, too."
Elizabeth held Neal for a long time, until he finally stopped crying. Once he had stopped, she tried to lay him back in his bed, but he wouldn't let go of her. "I wanna sleep with you, Lizbef," he cried.
Elizabeth shared a look with Peter, before answering him. "How about if I lay down with you, Neal? And Peter can read us a story, okay?"
Neal didn't seem too happy with the idea of staying in his bedroom, but he allowed Elizabeth to lay down next to him. Elizabeth laughed as he struggled to get her hair out of the bun she had put it in before going to bed. Minutes later, he was happy as he wrapped his fingers up in her hair and settled down to listen to Peter read his favorite story about a monkey named Jim.
By Friday, Peter, Elizabeth and Neal were completely and totally past the point of exhaustion. Trying to keep Neal in his own bed made everything several times harder on all of them, but Peter and Elizabeth followed through with Dr. Lennox's instructions.
Neal proudly brought his drawings along to the meeting, but he hadn't shown them to Peter or Elizabeth. Once in the doctor's office, Neal handed the drawings to her right away.
"Wow! These are great, Neal. Can you tell me a little bit about them? How about this one here?" Dr. Lennox pointed to a picture that closely depicted the scene in William's office where Peter stood between Neal and a towering, angry looking William. "What's happening in this picture, Neal?"
Neal looked up at Dr. Lennox and said with a strong voice, "Peter saved me."
"Can you tell me a little about that day, Neal?"
"William was really mad at me that day, I think because Jenna left me there. He took me to his office and he wouldn't let me do anything. He yelled at me when I told him I wanted to go home, and then he made me sit down. I sat there forever, Dr. Hope. And I tried to be good, but he kept getting mad at me. I fell asleep and when I woke up, Peter was there. He made William mad, too, but Peter didn't get scared. He made sure William didn't hurt me." Neal paused for several long seconds before continuing. "I'm gonna be brave like Peter when I grow up."
Dr. Lennox smiled at Neal. "Neal, I bet if you ask Peter, he'll tell you that he was really scared that day, too. And I bet he'll tell you that you were really brave, as well."
Neal looked up and gave everyone a small smile. "I guess that's cuz I'm five years old, Dr. Hope."
"Okay, Neal….why don't you tell me a little about this other picture? Can you tell me why you don't feel safe in this one?" Dr. Lennox held a picture that showed a small boy, obviously Neal himself, sitting with his back against the door in a dark room.
Neal suddenly looked like he wanted to run from the room. The three adults all noticed how his body stiffened and how his eyes darted around him nervously. "It's okay, Neal….you're safe here, remember?"
Peter stepped closer to Neal and placed his hand on his shoulder, giving it a gentle, reassuring squeeze. Neal sidled up closer to Peter, before he began to talk.
"That's me in my room at Jenna's house. I hated it there."
"Can you tell me why you hated it there, Neal?"
"It was an awful house, Dr. Hope. No one was happy there. Jenna and William didn't like it when I was around them, so they made me stay in my bedroom all the time."
"Didn't you feel safe in your bedroom, Neal?"
"No, I hated it there. William got mad at me one night when I fell asleep with the light on, so he took the light away. It was dark in there and I don't like the dark."
Dr. Lennox talked with Neal for a while longer, before steering him into lighter conversation. "Why don't you tell me about the bedroom you have now? What do you like best about it?"
"I love my room. I have a wall that I can draw on and there's a bookcase full of books for me to read. I let Peter read them to me, cuz he likes story time. And Lizbef gave me a nightlight, so it's never dark in my new room."
"That was nice of Elizabeth, wasn't it?"
"Lizbef doesn't like it when I'm scared. She says it makes her sad. Sometimes, I let her lay in bed with me, so she feels better."
"That's very thoughtful of you, Neal. I'm sure that makes her feel better. Now, what do you say we call it a day? I think Peter is looking a little hungry, don't you?"
Neal laughed at that. "Yep, I can hear his stomach growling like a crazy lion. He needs to feed it." Turning to Peter, he said seriously, "I think I heard it ask for pizza, Peter."
Peter ruffled Neal's hair. "Well, I guess that means we better get some pizza, little man."
Neal said goodbye to Dr. Lennox as he followed Peter and Elizabeth, looking rather proud of himself, as he walked out the door.
Authors note: Poor little Neal and those pesky nightmares. Good thing he has Elizabeth's hair to play with and Peter to read him a story, right?