Someone save me if you will
And take away all these pills
And please just save me if you can
From my blasphemy in my wasteland

~Save Me by Shinedown

So, you might be wondering why this is suddenly hopping to first person. Understandable. I just wanted to express myself to you and pray for some empathy. The narrator of this sordid tale is too disconnected to really describe what went through my mind during this period of time.

So, why did I go seek Kyoko out? It's crazy, it really is. And stupid. I knew it was a stupid thing to do. Have you ever done something stupid and as you were doing it, ignored that little voice in your mind screaming, This is really stupid! Well, I did.

These nightmares weren't like anything I had ever experienced before. Granted, I'd had nightmares before. We all have at some point in our lives. It's not unusual. But, after a couple of months, these nightmares were still plaguing me the few times I found sleep. I had always heard that when you dreamt of death, you would die for real. I knew I was dreaming of death, but I never really saw the train coming, I just knew it was. I would wake up in so much pain, it was indescribable. And, for the life of me, I couldn't figure out why I was waking up in such intense physical pain.

To be honest, the first stuff I bought off of Kyoko didn't help me at all. It didn't calm me down, help me sleep, or do anything at all for me. I had decided that what she was saying was bogus and wasn't going to bother with it anymore. But some other people approached me with some different stuff.

It's amazing how once you fall into something you suddenly discover that there's a whole other world you never knew about before. None of my friends were in this new circle of people I was associating myself with. I wouldn't quite call them friends as we were only in each other's company to get more candy. Somebody wound up selling me something that helped.

Help is probably a strong word for it, as it didn't actually help me. I was just under the illusion it was helping. After taking it, I would find this place and simply forget. I would forget that I couldn't sleep, I would forget that my parents were talking about me as if I were two people, I would forget that my grades had plummeted, and I would forget that my friends were no longer my friends. It was nice, being in a place that was problem-free, no cares in the world.

The only real problem was when you came out of that place, you came out hard. Reality would rush up to meet you and left a sick feeling in your stomach. And you found yourself desperately wanting to go back to that place. Desperately wanting more candy.

And that was just it. Candy? The stuff we used had such cutesy names, you tended to forget the high risk involved with using them. Skittles, Orange Crush, Vikes, Vitamin R, Z-bars, Strawberries, and Barbies. Who named this stuff, anyway? They were obvious code names so you could talk about it in front of higher authorities without garnering any suspicion. You obviously couldn't talk about selling your Ritalin or Seconal in front of others without raising some eyebrows.

I was getting any and all of the sleeping medicine I could get my hands on and everyone in our circle knew it. And then I was just trying to get my hands on anything. I sold my own sleeping pills to others, sometimes I even wound up buying back my own pills. It was stupid, I know, I was not in my right mind at all. The combination of the sleep deprivation and the drug usage did not go hand-in-hand.

Takuto and Mitsuki were constantly fighting like cats and dogs. That's another thing. For some reason, they were becoming less my parents and more Takuto and Mitsuki. It was like I was becoming someone else and I couldn't figure out why. I wondered if it was the candy, the drugs, but I had been feeling this way before I went to Kyoko, so I couldn't explain it. Perhaps the candy just intensified the feeling.

At any rate, I still couldn't explain why I went to Kyoko. I had once read somewhere that the name Kyoko supposedly meant mirror. I wondered if I should have taken that as a warning when I first met her. After I became involved, I became like her, preying on others who looked beat and desperate, dangling hope before them, trying to get money out of them so I could buy more candy. Refusing to realize the full extent of what was going on.

It wasn't until a person in our dark, underground world killed themselves that we all had to accept that we were not invincible. What we were doing was dangerous. Kyoko killed herself. Just like that. It shook me up more than I ever could have imagined. I couldn't help but thinking of the mirror parallels and how I was already becoming so much like her. Was I on my way to suicide........ But my life had been so good with Takuto and Mitsuki up until my last birthday. And they hadn't done anything to cause me harm.

I was ruining their lives. I was ruining my own life. I didn't go home as often as I should, ignoring their worried calls, Takuto's stern lectures, and Mitsuki's pleas. I felt horrible. Rei was crying more than ever and when I was there, I always felt like it was my fault the baby was unhappy. Technically, it was. She cried because Takuto and Mitsuki were always yelling at each other, usually over me.

And most of the time, they argued in a strange way, as if every word they said had a double meaning. They were always arguing over me and the other Izumi, whoever the heck that was.

Tell me the honest truth, if you heard your parents arguing about you and your other self.... you would freak out, too, right? I mean, real arguing, downright fighting over it. Then add in to it, they keep frequently referring to your death and how your new life was a second chance. Then you hear hints about how you led another life. Aha! So, that's why I couldn't remember leaving the train tracks and going to the store's steps. I was busy leading another life during that space of forgotten time. One that I have no memory of whatsoever. If that wouldn't freak you out, then you are a bigger person than I. Or you are just completely oblivious to the world.

My parents frequently brought up her in their arguments, too. They never named her, but I knew they were talking about Meroko.

I was home one night and something happened that finally made me snap. I was already on the edge, but this pushed me over.

Takuto and Mitsuki were fighting again with each other. I could hear them even when my door was closed. This time, I cracked it and listened in on them, my supply of candy depleted for the time being.

"He's self-destructing, we have to call her." Mitsuki sounded hopeless. She had a sad aura about her now and she always looked worn out.

Takuto did not answer for a moment. He also looked older than he should and his smile was a rare occurrence now. He finally replied to her in a despondent tone, "But! Our family!" He cried out, trying to express himself. I had noticed he often had trouble expressing exactly what he wanted, but, somehow, Mitsuki understood. Takuto had actually won quite a few arguments by just bringing up the family and it was something I could never understand. From what I could figure, this somehow implied the existence of my other self. The one I couldn't remember.

And this usually upset Mitsuki. But today, she stood her ground. "Takuto, you have to let him go. He was never our son. He was never your son. And he never will be. It wasn't meant to be. Clinging to him like this is hurting him more than helping."

"But--" Takuto protested. He said no more, perhaps realizing, he was fighting a losing battle.

Mitsuki's next words hurt deeply. "Takuto, you're worried about the family so we have to get in touch with her. He's destroying the family. If this keeps up, there won't be one left."

I didn't hear anything after that. I shut the door quietly, my eyes wide. It wasn't that Mitsuki had said those words meaning to hurt me. She wasn't even aware that I had heard her. But I had. And, the reason they hurt so bad is because they were true. I was destroying the family and rapidly at that. I had brought chaos into the home.

It's funny. I was eighteen and thought I was in the home stretch of my teen years. I had caused no problems during all my teen years until now, but this--this made up for it all, plus some. In less than a year, I had managed to cause more problems for my parents than what some teens caused during their whole lives.

And Mitsuki saw that. Takuto was blinded to it. For some reason, he just couldn't accept it.

Mitsuki's words were clear in my mind, spelling themselves out slowly over and over. There wouldn't be a family left if I kept this up. I was destroying them. Me. I don't know if Mitsuki did try to call Meroko, but the strange woman didn't show up that day or the next couple of days.

The next day I went to school, still contemplating my destructive abilities and how hard I was making life for Takuto and Mitsuki when they had been nothing but kind to me. I stocked up on hard candy over the next couple of days. Every time I bought something, I heard Mitsuki's voice talking about my self-destruction. And every time I bought something, her words rang true. So, why couldn't I make myself stop? I just didn't understand anything at all, least of all myself.

Then that evening Takuto confronted me and everything just shorted out. He approached me in the kitchen, that eternal look of concern plastered on his face. "Izumi, what's going on? You're getting worse and worse, and," he put some stuff on the counter and I licked my lips. It was some of the prescription drugs I had bought off my classmates. I had thought I had hidden them better, but your judgement isn't as good as what it once was when you're not quite right in the mind. "What is this? What are you hiding from us?"

And I don't know why I went off on him. I was defensive and angry and shocked. I could think of no other course of action, but to defend myself. I would do that by flinging his words back in his face. "What am I hiding from you? What are you and Mitsuki hiding from me?" I demanded, each word injected with a healthy dose of venom.

Takuto was genuinely taken aback. "What?" he asked, glancing from the medicines to myself, his concern increasing drastically. "What are you talking about?"

"You know. The other Izumi that you two are always talking about!" I had wanted to hurt and shock him. I had wanted to get him angrier, I had wanted to get into a fight with him. But his reaction made me feel like I had kicked an injured puppy and my anger vanished almost instantly.

He had gasped and jerked to attention, his eyes wider than I had ever seen them. He stared vacantly at the floor, his mouth slightly open in shock. He paled and didn't blink. He didn't answer. This had happened to me a few times throughout my life. Takuto, my father, would just cease to respond he would be in so much shock. He usually just got angry and would lash back at a person, but I seemed to have this strange effect on him from time to time.

I felt the urge to comfort him, but pushed it aside. No, they had never spoken to me about any of this, and they couldn't just expect me not to question them especially when it was becoming a topic they frequently talked about. I summoned what little anger I could muster and stomped to my room, slamming my door shut. It took a lot of effort not to turn around and try to assure Takuto that everything would be okay.

After I slammed the door, I slid to the ground, tears running down my face. I could see Takuto's sad eyes and hurt expression clearly in my mind accompanied with Mitsuki's words of how destructive I had become. I could hear Rei screaming down the hallway and Mitsuki's pleas with the baby to quiet down.

I grabbed the prescription medicines that Takuto hadn't found and an old water bottle that was under my bed. I couldn't tell you if I intentionally took too much, hoping something really horrible would happen or if I just didn't realize what I was doing. I just couldn't stop seeing Takuto's hurt expression and hearing Mitsuki's sad voice or Rei's screams. At any rate, eventually everything went completely and totally black. There were no flashing lights to greet me this time, there was no train, no nightmares. Nothing.

Do not pass go, do no collect two hundred dollars.....