Finishing the rest of what happened during Homemaker Week (oh horrors)

Ok, after the family planning disaster we had sewing. Guess what? I'm just about as good with a sewing machine as I am with a frying pan.

Does that mean you hit Prussians with sewing machines?

"Why don't you take our child first, Ri-Ri-tan?" asked Nagihiko.

"Stop calling it our child!" I hissed. "And because it hates my guts."

He snorted.

Textiles

So we're making tote bags. Tote bags are easy, right?

No. I can't even thread my sewing machine!

"The Pfaff HATES me!" I whined.

"It's not a Pfaff, it's a sewing machine," the teacher told me.

"but it says 'Pfaff' at the top so I'm naming it Pfaff."

The teacher gave up.

"Amu!" I cried. "I need help. The stupid needle isn't moving at all."

She tried moving the hand control. It didn't budge.

"oh. I don't know," she said, sounding very flustered. "why won't it move?"

If she knew, do you really think she'd be asking you for help?

"I don't know, either!."

Point made.

"Why don't you ask Nagi?" "Nagi" was – big surprise – already finished. Geez. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was a boy disguised as a girl.

DERP DERP DERP.

That would be really funny. And the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. That's what having a twin sister does to you!

DERP DERP DERP DERP DERP DERP

"Ri-Ri-tan, I see you're off in la-la land with that journal again. What the hell did you do to your machine?"

I gave him an evil look. "the thing is perfectly fine. Why don't you go back to your wife, the Pfaff 1548?"

"very funny. Would you like to see what's wrong with your sewing machine?"

"NO."

But he did anyway. He pressed some fiddly diddly button that only a watchmaker would know about and opened up the compartment where the thread below was. It was a mess. It looked totally like a kajillion drunk spiders had gotten in there and started weaving up a storm.

How do you GET a spider drunk to begin with?

"ha!" he laughed rather humorlessly. "yes. Your machine is just fine."

"really?"

"sarcasm."

I took us both fifteen minutes to untangle the mess. (us = Nagihiko does all the work and I sit there and make "helpful" comments).

"Okay," he sighed. "because we only have forty-five minutes left, I'm going to have to help you."

"Oh, no! I'm sure you'd rather be slacking off."

And then, to my utter horror, he put his hands on top of mine and started moving them. "Rima. Stop putting your hands there."

"why?"

"there right in the way of the needle. Didn't you know that?"

Yes, she did. She wants your hands to get sewn to hers so you can be together forever and—wtf….

"no."

He moved them back, and I felt really really sick.

"put your foot on the pedal."

"what? What pedal?"

It was a long, long, long textiles class.

Family Planning

"MAAAAAAAASHIIIIIIROOOO!" yelled Mrs. Psycho. "HOW HAS YOUR PARENTING BEEN GOING?"

"ish."

"ISH IS NOOOOOTT A WOOOORRDDD! OH, HOW FRRIIIIIGHHTTTFULLL!"

"well, we've had some custody issues."

"IT'S JOINT CUSTODY, YOU BAKA, BAKA GIRL! YOU HAVE NO CHOICE! "

"er, not really. It's more I don't want to carry the egg around but I swear Fujisaki doesn't mind."

"HORRIBLLLEE! HORRIBLLLEE!" screamed Ms. Psycho, rocking back and forth in paroxysms of emotional instability (I stole that phrase off Nagihiko's English essay).

What the hell was he WRITING about?

"now," she said, her voice dropping dramatically low again. "TAAAAADAAAASEEEEE!" she screamed, her voice going up and down the scale dramatically. "WHAAATTT happens when a teenage mother TAKES DRUUUUGGSSS AND ALLLKOHOLLLLL?"

Thirty seconds later

Nagihiko tapped me on the shoulder. "Mashiro, you spelt alcohol wrong."

"screw you."

I'm glad he pointed it out before I did. But he's ruining my job of MST-ing this story…

ANYWAY, CONTINUING….

And Tadase kind of panicked. "…eh? Heh heh. Ummm… your baby ends up… retarded?"

No, it get's ADHD.

And then KusuKusu started laughing crazily. Obviously, no one could hear her, but the idiot character-changed with me so I started laughing too.

"MASHIIIROOOOO!" screamed Ms. Psycho, her eyes bulging so much I thought they might pop. Ewww. I could see all the veins, too. "WHAAATTT IIIS SOOO FANNYYYYY?"

"you mean funny?" asked Amu.

"THAT'S WHAT I SAAIIID! FAAANNYYYY!"

"Rima-tan has never heard Tadase say 'retarded!'" I said through giggles.

"you just spoke in third person," Yaya pointed out, just in time for the green stars to go *poof* off my cheeks.

"very funny," I said through gritted teeth.

Very fanny.

The bell rang just then, and we all ran out. And then, what to our horrified eyes should appear but Yamabuki Saaya and a bunch of other girls clustered around the notice board.

That can't mean anything good.