Chapter 10: terrible ideas

Yugi grabbed the boarding of the sink in front of him tightly. He panted heavily as he looked back in icy blue eyes laughing with him. For a few seconds, he shut his eyes closed and reopened them again, but still saw the same blue eyes watching him. No matter how many times he looked away, the eyes always came back in an austere and yet seductive stare over his shoulders. But they were never there when Yugi turned around and looked at the corner, he only saw them in the mirror.

His body was aching and trembling. It was their third night in the apartment, alone, and he felt himself sinking deeper and deeper into a hole he couldn't get out of anymore. It was the third night he had an uncontrollable hunger for sex that evolved from one round to a second, to a third, sometimes a fourth, in which he reached for a climax every time in the hope of forgetting which eyes he was truly looking at. He saw Atemu's crimson eyes crying every night, lost and broken, beaten to defeat, and yet at the same time he saw a blue colour reflected in them as well. Yugi was aware he couldn't keep this up anymore. As much as he tried to recoil the memories, all he saw was that man. As much as he forced himself upon Atemu in the hopes of realizing he was making love to a man that he wanted to, he was only seeing the man that had ruined his life to the core.

Yugi hissed, furiously looking over the blue eyes he was once looking back at in the mirror. He couldn't live like this anymore. His body was on the verge of collapsing from the physical damage, he was sore at every spot around his hips and his head was spinning and throbbing with an intense headache. He didn't want to force himself upon Atemu in the hopes of forgetting the misery around him, he didn't want to watch Atemu cry after the poor and abusive sex they shared every night. Everything that happened, the misery in which both he and Atemu drowned, the losses they shared, everything was that man's fault. That fucking, shithole of a man who was looking at him from the corner of the room through the mirror. Yugi's muscles tensed and his blood boiled with rage, sick of looking at him, sick of being what he has become today. No more. No more. No more goddammit!

With a ferocious hit, Yugi struck the mirror in front of him with his fist as the glass around it shattered to smithereens. He hit again and again, unaware of the deep cuts and pieces of glass piercing through his flesh until there wasn't a piece left, not a corner through which those blue eyes could look at him, nothing! He slammed and cried, screamed his lungs out, until a steady, determined hand stopped him. Yugi's entire body blocked and gave into the strong but gentle touch, his bleeding hand numbly retreating.

"I'm so tired," Yugi sobbed like a child and fell through his knees, but Atemu caught him and pulled the body into his lap, "I'm so fucking tired." Atemu slid down against the wall, holding the crying teenager steadily in his arms while their still naked bodies shared what little of body heat they still had. His hand was still firmly wrapped around Yugi's shaking wrist, uncontrollably spasming to and fro. His baritone voice hushed him into a tranquility he hadn't felt in days and Yugi finally allowed his body to relax. Only then he became aware of how bruised and battered his body was from the previous nights, how neglected it had become from barely eating. He breathed in the sweaty smell of his Yami, the panic ebbing away as he recognized the different spices that belonged to Atemu, that made him the man he had fallen in love with, but could, to no avail, come to love him back respectfully. He wished he could stay in his arms like the huge mess he was now forever, die here if he had to, only to never have to live another day again. To never hurt his Yami again.

*...*

In the living-room, Atemu nursed Yugi's bleeding hand with the first-aid kit, securely wrapping bandages around his fingers and palm until all the cuts were covered up. His thoughts were unrepresented as he sunk away in agonizing realities that he tried hard to ignore. They couldn't continue like this, everyone could tell that, hell, even the neighbours could since they started complaining on several occasions because they were too loud, may it be from sex or crying. And yet, Atemu couldn't bring himself from mentioning it, afraid that, if he voiced the truth, Yugi would realize it and leave him for good. But when he looked at the boy in front of him all he could feel was a guilt gnawing so hard it was eating him from the inside. Yugi looked terrible. His body was pale and covered in bruises and marks, his eyes were baggy and red, his lips dry and hoarse. His entire posture was so ragged it looked like he could fall apart any moment, and he had barely eaten ever since they returned from the restaurant three days ago. Due to a lack of sleep, his pupils had turned incredibly small and showed effects of exhaustion and dehydration, and Atemu couldn't do anything about it! Yugi demanded sex every night and for several hours until he was on the verge of collapsing in the hopes of finally catching some much-wanted sleep, only to wake up after two hours and demand more. And Atemu gave in, he always did, because he didn't know what else to do. He didn't mind Yugi could care less Atemu was crying, after all it was what he deserved, but it pained him to see he was putting himself through so much distort, and he couldn't phantom why. They were fine before all this, perhaps a mess, but still together. Now they were further apart then every before, unable to recognize each other and talk to one another.

"I want to visit my father tomorrow."

The way Yugi said that, Atemu flinched at the words and looked up from nursing his wounds to face the beaten state in which Yugi was in now. He swallowed uneasily as he remembered this was partially his fault, but visiting his stepfather? In jail? Was that even a good idea? Atemu didn't know what had happened between him and the man because Yugi had never told him, but he had deciphered enough from the fight with his grandfather to have the slightest idea about it. Whether is was emotional or physical abuse, the man had inflicted something grave upon Yugi that had left him scarred for the rest of his life.

"Is that a good idea?"

Yugi was surprised to hear the hoarse voice Atemu was talking with. His usual warm voice now sounded broken beyond repair. But to answer his question, no, he wasn't really sure, but he was out of options and sick of waiting around for something to happen. He had to do something.

"I don't know," Yugi whispered, lowering his eyes and hiding them behind his bangs, "but I don't want to run away anymore."

If his stepfather was the reason behind his angst and fears at night, the turmoil behind an inability to love, then Yugi would face it. Perhaps, as he would sit across his father and tell him he wasn't afraid anymore, he would finally be able to let go. He heard Atemu sigh in front of him but paid it no mind. He had already made up his mind, had thought about it every night, and no one would stop him from doing this. Not even Yami.

Yugi paced restlessly up and down the room, unable to suppress the nerves biting his toes. He hadn't felt this scared in a long time, at least not since the police had barged into his house to finally free him from the extortion he had gone through every day for three months. He still remembered it like yesterday. There was so much chaos and disorder that morning, he had crawled in a corner because he couldn't understand what was going on or why his stepfather was so desperate to swallow every med in the bathroom cabinet before the police would run over the door. It had taken him two years to realize he had tried to commit suicide to not end up in jail but had failed. Even after everything he had put Yugi through, he would be as cowardly to take his own life instead of pay for his sins.

He startled when Atemu grabbed his arm and halted his nerve-wrecking pacing.

"We can always leave if you think this is too much." The tanned man smiled comfortingly at him, squeezing Yugi's arm slightly in the process, but there was also anguish in his eyes. As much as Yugi had argued to be here, Atemu wasn't keen, but Yugi was too stubborn to change his mind.

"I'm not."

"Okay," Atemu sighed and let go. He turned around as he witnessed two men entering the seated room and a heavily protected door creaking open. "I'll stand over there. Promise you'll call me if anything happens."

It wasn't a question, but Yugi nodded anyway while he turned around to see the man the guards were escorting. He shivered through his spine, taking a seat at a random table as he felt his head suddenly becoming heavy from blazing memories. The man still had blonde hair and a beard, but he had aged considerably. Yet his eyes remained the same ice cold stare as before, and they looked straight at him. He smirked and then silently chuckled while following the guard in front of him.

"I gotta admit," he mused in his American accent, "I was surprised to hear I had a visitor, but you? I wouldn't have guessed it in a million years."

As the second guard yanked him on the seat across from Yugi, the other one released the cuffs around his wrists. Yugi watched them closely as they walked a few feet away but remained close at a safe distance. Security in Japanese prison was tight, and visiting wasn't really easy either.

"Mitch," Yugi spat and crossed his arms, but couldn't help but flinch when the said man steadily rested his now uncuffed hands on the table between them. He busted himself quickening his breathing as he realized the man in front of him could touch him if he only held out his hand, and it scared him. Even as he spoke his name in disgust, he betrayed a certain insecurity that the man in front of him could reek.

"Aw, no papa anymore?" The elder purred, but instead of showing disgust all Yugi could do was tremble. "Look at you, haven't you grown into a beautiful young man."

Yugi frowned his brows, his face repulsed from the man's words.

"How's your mother? Oh yeah, she dead. Sorry. And your grandpa? The old man still alive?"

Yugi's eyes widened like dinner-plates, hurt by his stepfather's words. He hadn't changed one bit, he was still mean, sarcastic and ego-centered. Even the tone with which he talked was the exact same as when Yugi was younger. He was playing with him, trying to crack him like he used to before, until Yugi would give up and stop protesting. That was just how he was, he lured you into thinking low of yourself, took advantage of your weakest traits and then manipulated you into doing what he wanted you to do. Yugi had fallen for it so many times, but he was determined not to now. Even if he was afraid and shaking in his shoes.

"He your boyfriend?"

Yugi followed the man's gaze toward Atemu, whom stood gazing against the wall, watching them closely without hearing anything of the conversation. Yugi swallowed hard as he realized Atemu was still there to protect him, but had begun to already evaporate into fear as if everyone had abandoned him to leave him alone with this freak.

"Aren't you mister popular. Did you miss me so much that you had to find a replacement?"

Why am I just sitting here? Say something already! Even while trying hard, the only thing breaking through the silence in his mind was the maniacal thumping of his heart which turned all his senses on sharp. He had come to this place so determined, ready to face his darkest fears, and yet he couldn't bring himself from uttering a single vowel. His fear was visible throughout his whole body, his pupils small, his breathing hitched, his hands trembling uncontrollably. This was not how he had envisioned the encounter with his stepfather, and yet here he sat, his mind blank and his heart cold. Suddenly, this whole idea felt so stupidly bad he wanted to run away. Suddenly, all the traumas, the horrible memories that hunted his dreams surrounded him and smacked him down, only to not get back up. He tried hard not to look back at those blue eyes, vulnerable for the mesmerizing effect it had on him since he was a kid.

I need your help.

I need your help, Yugi.

"Yugi, I need your help."

The said boy looked up from his toys lying scattered across the floor. What he saw were warm, blue eyes melting in a sincere smile from his stepfather. The man radiated a love so pure it made Yugi blush, and he curled his lips in admiration.

"Help with what, papa?"

The older man knelt next to the boy and gentle nudged his wrist, making him let go of the train he had been riding across the room all evening. His mother had left for another emergency at the hospital, seeing she was a nurse and ran a lot of late night shifts to cover the bills. Ever since Mitch came around, paying off debt had been easier but money was still a luxury. She was thankful her son was so kind-hearted to never blame her for barely being around. He understood the situation they were in, even if he was only ten years old.

"First, you need to promise me you won't tell your mother, can you do that? It's like, a secret mission."

His bright violet eyes widened in anticipation. A secret mission, wow! He'd do anything to help his father on this secret mission!

"What do I have to do?!" He chirped excited, trampling with his feet to hear more about this mission. His stepfather grinned at his enthusiasm.

"Well, you see, papa's very sick, Yugi."

"You're sick?"

"Yes, unfortunately... I know a way to cure it but, I need your help."

"Okay."

Yugi had, as a matter of fact, always been naive when he was younger, which is surprising considering how he would grow out to be in the future. It was almost too easy to manipulate this child, but it only made it more entertaining for Mitch. He had fled America in the hopes of starting over again here in Japan, had met a beautiful woman, and then there was Yugi. Oh how he had been temped by those mesmerizing violet eyes to touch that so divine, so innocent and frail body. He waited for a year to gain that boy's trust, now he even called him dad. A year he had waited, but he couldn't any longer.

What happened then was a daze of hazy memories that crept together in his thoughts. He remembered how his stepfather began touching him in ways he didn't understand. It didn't feel nice, it was rather uncomfortable, but Mitch said Yugi had to help him, so he let him. Even when it hurt when the older man's weight pushed down on Yugi, he never objected. Even as he forced something inside of him, at a place that didn't make sense to him, he obliged. Never willfully, he would cry a lot when Mitch asked him the same thing every two months, but he was convinced it was for a better cause, determined to help the father that he had come to love so much. And just like he had promised him, he never told his mother. Until she found out herself after two years and committed suicide. And then the torture began, only then Yugi realized he was being abused for three full months day in and day out, to finally be rescued when his grandfather had the idea that something was going on.

"You're such a good boy, Yugi."

"Promise me you won't tell your mother."

"I need your help again, Yugi."

"Aah," Yugi cried audibly without intending to, but he felt a pain throbbing around his heart. Several haunting memories flashed before his eyes and left him paralyzed in intense fear. His body began rocking back and forth in an attempt to comfort himself like he used to do when he was younger, absorbed by his nightmares that made him relive every bad moment in his past. He felt like the helpless 12-year-old kid again that never understood what was happening to him or why.

Mitch saw the despair in his eyes and grinned wildly. "It's okay, Yugi," he spoke slyly, slithering his hand to Yugi's and touched it ever so softly, every word slipping from his tongue like poison. "Papa's here now."

He is? Yugi thought. Then why was he so scared? Was papa going to hurt him again? Did he need his help again? Yugi didn't want to help him anymore. Every time he did it hurt. He was so so scared, but the reassuring hand on his calmed his nerves, unaware of their environment and the people around him. When he looked up, he stared back in gorgeous blue eyes that smiled lovingly at him. His papa was there, holding his hand, and he was kind. Yugi felt the forgotten nerves ebb away, and yet there was something drastically pulling his conscience, unspokenly telling him to run away. But why?

"I'll make you forget aaaall the misery."

At that sentence, Yugi snapped back to reality. His breathing became thick and incoherent as the touch of his stepfather burned his skin. In a natural reflex, he was about to stand up an lean closer to his father.

"That's enough!"

Atemu snapped away Yugi's chair and shoved it side-wards to pull away his eyes. As if a broken spell, reality finally sank back, but before Yugi could do anything Atemu grabbed his wrists and yanked him away, pacing off in a staggering velocity. Yugi managed to keep up without tripping over his own feet although it was difficult not to with the force Atemu was dragging him.

"YOU'LL NEVER GET RID OF ME, YUGI!"

Across the room, in the distant state Yugi was in now, he looked back with glazing eyes watching the raging man in horror being oppressed by two guards asking for back-up.

"EVEN IN YOUR DREAMS, I'LL COME FOR YOU!"

With that last forceful yell, Atemu finally managed to get them out of the room. Everything happened quickly after that. He was too worked-up to slow down his pace. As they finally reached the car, Atemu plumped down in the driver's seat and buckled up Yugi to drive away from this horrid place and leave it behind like so many other traumas they had in their past. It was but when they reached home and entered the apartment again that Atemu finally made time to approach what seemed like a broken child.

"Are you okay?" There was more distress present in his question then concern. Yugi just stood there in the middle of the living-room, not the slightest stir of life, just unbearable silence that made every second tick by in heavy and painful punches. When Atemu reached closer to place his hands on Yugi's shoulders, the student finally collapsed. He began crying hysterically as he had done for the past few days, his hands clutching for the little support he could as to not crack to the ground. An incoherent mess of unintelligible cries spit through his lips as if he poured every mourning emotion of angst out, trembling on weak legs that fought hard to keep the scrawny body up. As Atemu reached closer to comfort his lover in an embrace, the clutching around his back became more pressing and painful as short fingernails dug in his skin. Yugi continued crying out loud, tears streaming like waterfalls and quivering lips mumbling strange words. His trembling hands were restlessly caressing the back of Atemu as to not let go, but too shaken to keep them at one place while doing so. His mind was clouded with everything but light, engrossed by a grief so overwhelming he felt like choking in it. In that brief moment of having said nothing, absolutely nothing to a man that he apparently still feared even in his dreams, he had realized he hadn't overcome anything over the years of having been saved from him. In fact, after having only spent two minutes with this man he would've been ready to give in again, to allow every bit of turmoil inflicted upon him once more so long as it meant he would have the warmth of a loving parent again. How could he give in so easily? What was wrong with him that he would even consider such a thing? And what the hell would've happened if Atemu hadn't intervened? Would he have given in? Held him? Touched him? Kissed him? Do all of that while Atemu would watch in agony and disgust?

"Y-y-yami please, help," he sobbed in prostrate words that were barely audible, "I-I need you, please!"

As his mind was fighting invisible demons, Atemu held on tight to his hands and locked their fingers together as in signing him he was there to help him, but Yugi's movements grew more offensive.

"I want you!" He let go of Atemu's hands to wrap his arms again around him, only this time they began reaching for the CEO's hem of his shirt. As he tried desperately to remove the article of clothing, Atemu pushed his hands away, much to Yugi's displease. But there was no way that Atemu was going to allow Yugi to continue his actions this time. "Please, please Yami please!"

Atemu remained silent, his hands around Yugi's to prevent them from undressing him. The boy arched in his grasp and fell on his knees, drowning in tears that he had held back for so long. The emotions he had bottled up for all those years finally showed through the hardship he had endured along the way, never having shared it with anyone, and now completely defeated and not knowing how to control them anymore. He wanted Yami so badly, like all the previous nights, to make him forget what a worthless piece of junk he was, of what little importance he truly was in life. He'd die to make love to this man one last time, to never come back again and finally seal the never-ending pain he had endured up till now. If he would die right now, he'd be fine, he was ready to take his own life if it meant to give it back to Atemu. There was no more hope left for him, he was a dying case beyond repair and he knew it, and yet all he wanted was his Yami now. To look in those crimson eyes while being fucked mercilessly while the blue which he longed to see more reflected in them. Was that why he had met and fucked so many older men in the past? To be reminded of his father over and over again? So in the end, that was all Yugi was, eeh? A damaged child that had grown so needy for his father's touches because he thought it was the only thing he was truly good at, the only reason why he lived. So if he couldn't even fulfill that right now, was there any more reason for him to continue this poor excuse of a life?

"I want to die," he whispered in Atemu's neck. He too had fallen through his knees to hug the student in the hopes of comforting him, but the words left a lingering fear behind in his ears. Almost automatically, Atemu squeezed his arms so tight around Yugi's waist it was probably hurting him. He dug his face in Yugi's neck to suppress any concealed tears caused by those words. No one would want to find out that their lover preferred death over living a wrecked life with the one they loved. It crushed Atemu's heart to imagine how Yugi would willingly take his own life if only to make the angst stop.

"I won't allow you."

"Please," he begged in distraught. He knew of course Atemu wouldn't let him, but the growing urge to end it all by a mere act of suicide suddenly sounded attractive. He had never understood as much as today why his mother had taken her own life after having found out her new boyfriend was a child molester.

"I won't allow you," Atemu repeated again, but this time with more assurance. "I love you, Yugi."

As he spoke those words, Yugi looked back bewildered, eyes growing wide in surprise. He noticed the subtle yet shining tears rolling down Atemu's cheeks as he continued.

"I love you, even if you're sick and hurt and will never heal, I won't let go of you. I'll stick by your side as long as it takes until we can fix this." He shifted forward on his knees to take Yugi in another embrace. "Whatever happens, I won't stop loving you. Never."

More tears prickled at the back of Yugi's eyes, but he wasn't sure if it was still from the suffering he felt or the joy from hearing those words. He couldn't remember when their odd feelings of pure sexual tension had turned into an actual tangible form of love, but it made him feel welcomed and warm. Even if this moment would only last for a short period, he wanted to stay on the floor with Atemu the whole night before he'd decide what to do with his life. Even if he already knew what he needed to do.

I needed a motive for Yugi's thoughts for the next chapter, and I thought this idea to be pretty interesting. Yugi now realized he hasn't overcome anything over the years of grief and it is a divine realization to conclude the next steps in the story.