Chapter 9

"Louise?" Rachel called after knocking at her guest room. She dared to open the door a crack, and saw Louise in bed, still in the pants and shirt she had put on that very morning.

"Please come in," Lou said, pushing herself up and resting her back on the headboard. As Rachel slowly walked into the bedroom, Lou smiled appreciatively when she noticed the woman's elegant attire. "Rachel, you look beautiful!" Louise exclaimed. Tonight the former station mistress had donned a delicate maroon dress with a discreet neckline and elbow-long sleeves lined by delicate lacing. Her strawberry-blonde hair was done in a pretty topknot, and some curls were hanging loose framing her pretty, pale face.

"Thanks," Rachel replied as she took a few steps further into the bedroom. "How are you feeling? Still rough?"

"I'm feeling much better, but let me spare you from asking. No, I ain't going to the dance."

"So what's your plan? Stay in this room for the rest of the week?" Rachel asked ironically.

"That wouldn't be such a bad idea."

"Louise!" Rachel berated her in a shrill voice. "I thought you've come to Rock Creek because you wanted to spend time with us, but we haven't seen much of you so far."

"My stomach…"

"Please keep that excuse for the others. It's me, Rachel! I don't doubt your tummy's bothering you, but I know you too well, and that's not the reason, is it?"

"I just ain't in the mood, understood?" Lou muttered reluctantly.

"Why?" Because Kid might be there? Lou, this is a bit childish of you. I think you acted more like an adult when I first met you than now. Kid ain't gonna bite you, and if you ask me, Kid should be more afraid of you than you of him."

Louise nodded slowly, accepting the direct scolding because she deserved it. "You're right, but I… I don't know. I have a strange feeling, a bee buzzing in my ear."

"What is it, Louise?" Rachel asked in a softer tone as she sat down on the bed.

"It's something Emma said this morning. She… she implied that I married Kid because I was… infatuated, not because I was in love."

Rachel narrowed her eyes skeptically as she processed the information. "Whatever she said, I doubt Emma meant that, honey. Nobody can know about your feelings, but yourself. Do you actually believe what you think Emma told you? That you didn't love him?"

"No!" Lou exclaimed a bit too quickly, and then she paused for a beat, and added, "I… not really, but maybe I didn't love him the way he deserved. If I had been more reasonable, more understanding, more…"

"Then it wouldn't have been you," Rachel cut her off. "Kid married 'you', not a possible you."

"And now I imagine he regrets it," Lou muttered.

"And you? Do you regret marrying him?"

Louise kept thoughtful for a few seconds, and then added, "I wanted to believe I do, but no, I don't regret it. I'd do it again if I started my life anew. I can't turn my back and forget all those magical moments we shared. They're too precious."

"Then why do you think Kid regrets marrying you?"

Lou shrugged her shoulders, and flexing her legs, she hugged them close to her chest. "I… I don't know."

"Maybe it's time you found out," Rachel suggested, and as Lou cast her an are-you-crazy kind of look, the blonde woman added, "Lou, why don't you talk to him? He's gonna be at the dance tonight, and he'll be gone tomorrow. It's your last chance. Please don't miss it because I'm sure you'll regret it." As Lou remained quiet, Rachel asked, "Louise, what are you so afraid of?"

"I…"

"What, honey?"

"I'm afraid he'll have as low an opinion of me as I have of myself," Lou mumbled, letting her head rest on her knees.

"Lou, what's happening to you? Where's that proud girl I know you are? I can hardly recognize you," Rachel exclaimed.

Louise lifted her head and looked at Rachel with bright eyes. "That was just my mask!" she exclaimed, and easing off the bed, she turned around and stood with her back to Rachel. "It was just an armor to protect myself. That wasn't the real me. I'm just a pathetic, little woman. That's me, only me."

"Oh Lou!" Rachel let out as she noticed her friend's shoulders shake and heard her soft sobs. The former station mistress came closer to her, and placed a comforting hand on the younger woman's shoulder. Louise turned her tear-streaked face back to her friend, and said, "I'm so lonely, Rachel. I feel more and more lonely with each passing day, and it's so powerful that it suffocates me completely. I've missed him so much all these years, and I miss him with all my heart now."

Rachel smiled sadly, feeling she was seeing the real Lou after a long time. "Lou, you still have a chance. He's here, and he's your husband. Talk to him for goodness' sake."

Lou's eyes widened in horror after hearing Rachel's suggestion. Her forehead started perspirating and her breathing quickened. "No! I can't do that!"

"Lou, I ain't saying you go to him and declare your unconditional love. What I mean is that you try to address a few words to him that won't sound like an attack." Louise blushed at the new rebuke, and Rachel continued. "You can do that, and maybe things can go in the right direction from there. You might be able to start fresh, and renew that special friendship you shared. And who knows? One day you might get back what you lost, or what you mislaid on the way."

"Or he might turn me down like I deserve."

"But he might not. Don't you think it's worth the risk?" Rachel asked. "You're a brave woman, Louise."

Lou kept thoughtful for a while, and then said, "I have nothing decent to wear."

Rachel smiled a wide, genuine smile. "I'm sure we'll find something. Let me help you."

Louise held her gloved hands together to avoid showing how nervous she actually felt. This was ridiculous. Why on earth was she feeling this way? Her stupid nerves had even made her trip on her skirt a couple of times as she followed Rachel and her husband into the social hall. The inside of the building was full of people, and as soon as Louise stepped inside, she quickly swept her eyes around to discover Kid was not there yet.

"Louise, would you grant me the honor to dance with me?" Allan asked after a -not very discreet nudge from Rachel, who then tilted her head meaningfully to her friend.

Louise smiled as she accepted his request and let him steer her to join the other dancing couples. As they danced, Lou could not enjoy herself since her eyes continuously wandered to the door, or around the room to check if Kid turned up. After Allan, she kept changing partners, and swirled around with Jimmy, Cody, Buck and Teaspoon, who one by one in perfect coordination asked her for a dance. Lou knew that somehow the men must have talked beforehand and agreed not to let her stand alone during the social. Louise appreciated the gesture, but she still did not manage to have fun. The night progressed, and there was no trace of Kid, and Lou started to fear that he might have already left Rock Creek.

After dancing with Sam for the second time, Lou excused herself and headed for the refreshment table. After all the physical exercise, she was feeling quite hot and flustered, and as she eagerly drank the punch, her eyes traveled around the place for the umpteenth time. She spotted all her friends with smiling faces as they danced with their significant others. Lou conscientiously forced herself to stretch her tense lips to convey how glad it made her to see that her family had found happiness and love. Yet, deep down a powerful sense of bitterness and desolation surged all through her soul. The blissful countenances of friends and strangers around her intensified the cracks in her spirit. This was too selfish of her, and she was aware that, like Rachel had said, her present situation was only her fault, but she could not help feeling totally miserable.

Unable to endure the pressure, Lou dashed out of the social hall onto the solitary porch. The night's cool breeze welcomed her with open arms, and she let out her contained breath. Leaning her body against one of the porch posts, she remained there, watching the lonely street and breathing in the fresh air.

"What are you doing here?"

Louise turned her eyes to the unexpected voice, and was surprised to find Kid there as if he were an apparition. Since there was nobody else around, his question was addressed to her, and since her face could not conceal her surprise, he added, "I mean, you should be enjoying yourself inside." Kid paused for a second, and raising a hand at the level of her eyes in mock surrender, he continued, "I know what you're gonna say. This ain't my business."

Lou lowered her eyes. "I wasn't gonna say that. I wasn't gonna say anything," she whispered.

They remained in silence for a while, and neither tried to move away from where they stood. Lou kept looking at the empty street before her since she felt unable to face Kid. His mere presence was unnerving, and even though she told herself she should jump at the chance and talk to him like Rachel had told her to, she realized she lacked the courage she needed.

"This is nice," Kid finally broke in, and as Lou timidly peeked at him through the corner of her eye, he added, "You know, the silence."

Lou shifted her position to glance straight into his eyes, and gave him a strange look. The music from the hall was so cheerful and loud that it sounded as if the musicians were playing just next to them. "Silence?" she croaked, and then her face flamed when it dawned on her what he might mean with his words. "Oh you mean 'my' silence."

"No, I didn't mean that. Sorry if it sounded that way."

"I couldn't blame you if you meant it," Lou continued. "I haven't been too nice to you."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Kid added, making an exaggerated gesture that clearly told Lou that there was no reason for apologies. "Is everyone inside?" he asked after a few seconds, eager to change the subject.

Lou nodded. "Yes, well, that is, except you."

Kid dared to take a few steps closer, but still remained at a safe distance. "Lou, I wonder if I could talk to you about something."

"Uh… yes, sure."

"But not here," Kid replied, and after considering his options mentally, he asked, "Are you hungry?" Lou simply shrugged her shoulders, which might mean anything in reality. "Then let me buy you some dinner."

Louise did not say a word against it, which Kid took as a yes. He led the way in the opposite direction, and Lou followed, feeling a weird sensation at the pit of her stomach. It was strange to walk alongside him, mere feet separating, but the gap between them was actually immense. In a way, this walk to the restaurant reminded her of those simpler times, or maybe in a way more complex, when they could not show they were nothing more than two male friends to the outer world. Things had changed from those days, and today the gap between them might not be much wider in the physical way, but it was immense in other senses. Yet, it was true they had talked without her losing her temper. That was a start, and maybe she could be hopeful. Who knew? Perhaps they could fix something. But what on earth would he want to talk to her about?