And here we have DarkRed101's Redemption! Yet another one of those infamous stories in which an oc is inserted into the cannon show. Very popular with Legend of Tommorow, those fics. So, without further ado...
Grammar
I'm just gonna say this bluntly. The grammar isn't the best I've ever seen. Not the worst...but not the best.
First, there are a lot of unnecessary commas. Commas are good, but only if they are used correctly and not overdone.
For example:
Isabella, Phineas, Ferb, Buford, and Baljeet were about to test their latest invention by playing on it, they climbed the massive rock climbing wall, and they went, way up, high into the sky, it was loads of fun.
For one thing it's very difficult to read sentences like this. Not to mention they are just grammatically incorrect. I suggest breaking sentence up and chilling out a little on the commas. You only need them when you are working with two sentence clauses or when something briefly interrupts a sentence. (You can also use parentheses dashes )
Example:
Phineas, Ferb, and the gang were just about to test their latest invention. They climbed aboard, ready to play on it. The rock climbing wall went so far up, you couldn't even see the top.
For sentence clauses, you must check to see that there are two - what I've learned to call - blue sentences.
Example:
It was the hottest day of the year, and the Flynn-Fletcher family was spending time together in the living room.
If you can't combine two sentences, then the comma is not necessary. (But there also must be a combining word: but, and, or, ect.)
Example:
Candace thought she had plenty of time to bust her brothers and to visit Jeremy at the mall.
One last thing on the commas. In dialogue, and I think I've said this on other reviews, you must have commas when the sentence ends with a period. (And also after a person's name.)
Example:
"Hi, Jeremy," Candace said.
There is also a bit of inconsistent capitalizing with the word team. If it's not the name of the team - Legends - it does not need to be capitalized.
Second to last point. There are a bunch of sentence fragments.
Example:
Faced the giant space ship falling from the sky and ran.
This isn't very clear. Who is facing the space ship? Sentences need to be complete thoughts. I know the reader could easily infer it by looking at previous sentences, but this is just...Well, it's kind of lazy. (However, sentence fragments can occasionally be used for dramatic effect. More on that later.)
One last thing. The spelling is pretty good. (Better than mine anyway.) But a few words are spelt incorrectly: meant and seen. (But that's okay. English is hard.)
Plot
Not a lot to say here yet. So far the book is simply following the script with a few minor changes to the dialogue - stop Savage, save the world. I look forward to seeing how things progress and differ from the show.
OC
Savannah is an interesting character. She's sassy and awkward at the same time. (Bit like me, then.)
I'll be honest, the only oc I particularly like in these kind of stories is my friend's oc Clarity Springs. (Not even because we're friends. We became friends after I started liking her character, honestly.)
But I'm will to take a chance with Savannah. At least she appears, so far, to have actual emotions like a normal human being... So, maybe when the story progresses a bit, we'll get to see her back story and a little more about her likes and dislikes? Just some of those insignificant little details could go a long way.
(Also. Just a little tip, before you get too far. A lot of ocs overshadow the cannon characters in these type of things. They either become completely over powered and soak up all the attention - which annoys the crap out of everyone and gains your character the Marry Sue label. Or they get hurt all the time and have to have all the attention. My advice? Don't do that. It's good to make them suffer once in a while, but don't - and pardon my language- be an attention whore.)
Cannon Characters
This is gonna be, like, the shortest one. So far all the cannon characters have just been saying and doing everything they say and do in the original script. So, for now...
Writing Style
I'm gonna say what I say to everyone for this part: more showing, less telling. It's okay to tell sometimes -- after all too much of a good thing is a bad thing -- but most of the time you need to show.
Example (tell) :
Candace waited anxiously at the end of the drive way. She was excited. This time she would finally do it! She'd bust her brothers!
While there is nothing wrong with this grammatically, it's rather boring to read. Readers don't connect with the characters. (And that's important.)
Example (show):
Candace felt a bead of sweat forming on her forehead. The redheaded girl was bouncing on the balls of her feet, head twitching rapidly. Her mom would be home any minute. She could do it! She could bust them for sure this time!
Something like this helps readers connect a little better, helps them feel what the characters are feeling. You have to trust that the readers are smart enough to infer that she's feeling anxious.
Now, as promised, I'll talk about sentence fragments. Earlier I said they were grammatically incorrect. (And they are.) However, they can also be used, in fiction, for dramatic effect.
I wouldn't advise doing it a whole lot. This should just be used when something seriously dramatic and sinister is happening. (Or angsty.)
Example:
It was over. They were stuck in space, and there was nothing they could do about it. The ship was down. Lights were off. They were running out of oxygen, fast. And they were just on the ship. Trapped. Alone. Alone and trapped forever and ever...
* PLEASE NOTE THAT THE WRITERS FEATURED IN THESE REVIEWS HAVE EITHER SUBMITTED THEIR STORIES TO ME OR GIVEN ME PERMISSION TO REVIEW. THIS IS IN NO WAY MEANT TO BE RUDE OR HATEFUL TOWARDS ANY PARTICULAR WRITER OR THEIR STORIES. THESE REVIEWS ARE SIMPLY MY OPINIONS. *