A/N
Warning: This chapter is heavy on angst and suicide mentions.
Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note
Near P.O.V.
Near begrudgingly allowed The Nurse to administer her examination of his cephalic region as he waited for the others to return. When she was finally done poking and prodding at his bruise, she carefully looped an ace bandage around the circumference of his head, almost like a loose headband, tucking a wad of gauze in the side as a cushion.
When she had finished, she made a clucking noise with her tongue, which Near took to mean he was going to be alright, and moved into the next room, presumably to enter this new data into his previously barren medical record.
The moment she was out of sight, he hugged his knees to his chest and hid his face, not quite sure how he was supposed to feel.
He felt depressed over A's death, and relief over B's departure. He felt betrayed over Mello's newfound acceptance of Light, and loneliness as he was left by himself. Again.
Mello had Matt, and now L had Light.
Whom did he have?
Near clutched the tough cotton beneath him and wondered how on earth anyone was expected to sleep on it. He was becoming spoiled. There were days, wonderful, blissful days, when he forgot where he had come from. What his parents had been like.
That's what living at Wammy's did to you. It took you in and made you forget. The white walls and gray carpets replaced who you had once been, what you had once done. Being a successor to L was a full time job; even if you were at the bottom of the heap it had a way of erasing anything that had anything to do with anything else.
In a way it was a gift. Near didn't want to remember his past. What he wanted to do was to throw it away like a broken pencil and immerse himself in the task set before him. But deep down he knew he couldn't. His past was too much a part of him, whether he liked it or not.
Near quickly schooled his features as he heard footsteps approaching from the hall, and not a moment later Matt strode through the door closely followed by Mello, who was carrying clothes for Near to change into. Everything down to the way Matt walked told Near he was just as impacted by B's departure as he was; his normally buoyant skipping had been replaced by solemn striding.
Mello wasn't much better, he handed Near his clothes without so much as an albino joke. A first in his case.
"Thanks." Near mumbled. He nodded.
"Where's L?" Matt asked him.
He shrugged, "He seemed like he was in a hurry to leave."
"What's with that?" Mello addressed the floor, scuffing his already battered sneakers against the carpet.
"He's probably off consoling Light." He rolled his eyes.
Mello didn't say anything, and Matt looked at Near reproachfully, "Stop blaming Light for everything. It's not his fault that B..." He trailed off looking lost.
None of them finished his sentence. Near supposed they all felt a little lost.
L and Light chose that minute to reappear. L's eyes were red and blotchy for the first time in Near's memory, and he felt suddenly guilty for his comment against Light. It was clear that he hadn't wanted the three of them to see him like that. Wordlessly he opened his arms and the three successors converged on him.
"I'm so sorry." He ruffled each of their hair affectionately, "I shouldn't have left you."
"It's alright L," Matt answered, "we understand why you did."
L smiled wryly, "See, this is why I forget how young you three are." He crouched down and looked each of them in the eye. "I need you to know that it's okay for you to be upset."
Near rolled his eyes, "Of course, L."
"No, really." He shook his head softly, "I know I'm not the most demonstrative of my emotions, but that doesn't mean you should follow my example. There are times when stoicism is necessary, especially in our line of work, but there are an equal number of times when it is necessary to let ourselves feel. I learned that today," He glanced over to Light, who smiled encouragingly, "and I want you three to learn it as well, before you are forced to."
The three of them nodded in unison, and L hugged them all once again. "Thank you for being patient with me."
Matt scoffed, "Like we wouldn't!"
They all shared a brief moment of laughter before the grim atmosphere reclaimed the room, and L solemnly reminded them of the assembly that Wammy would inevitably hold to announce A and B's newfound absence.
Near wondered briefly what would become of their class; though he didn't think, at the time, L would have any more idea than he would. Plus, Near couldn't say that he would be too terribly upset to see it dropped from the curriculum.
"We'll have to go straight from here to the auditorium," L murmured around his thumbnail, "I don't believe Watari would be too thrilled if the five of us showed up after everyone else."
Light chuckled, "You're preaching punctuality?"
Near rolled his eyes and set to changing out of his pajamas. Matt and Mello giggled to themselves and teased L about being early for once in his life. From a distance everything seemed normal, but there was still an unmistakable atmosphere weighing down on them all.
"You should really get that stitched up." Matt pointed to Light's arm, which had been slowly bleeding through the bandage he had wrapped tightly around his bicep in a presumably hurried attempt at stopping the blood.
Light waved a hand flippantly, "It's perfectly fine, we can't be late."
"Nonsense." The Nurse glared, reappearing suddenly in the doorway; seeming almost as though she could smell his injuries, "It will take two minutes. I don't care who you're dating, you will not bleed all across this orphanage if I've any say in it."
Light eyed The Nurse warily, as if contemplating arguing. After a moment he sighed and sat on one of the beds, gingerly extending his arm as she fretted around with a needle she had produced from seemingly nowhere.
As Light was being stitched up, L spoke to The Nurse, confirming the fact that Near was sporting a minor concussion, and debated the specifics of the phrase "take it easy."
It looked as though he wouldn't have to participate in L's class for the remainder of the summer, though Near wasn't quite sure how he felt about that at the time.
When they finally left, Matt reached out and took L's hand. Near hurried to claim the other one, and braced for Mello to protest. To his astonishment he noticed Light offer his uninjured arm to Mello, and Mello accept with a somewhat guarded expression.
So much for their newfound camaraderie. What was it with everyone?
Near still couldn't understand what they saw in Light, and now he was alone in this aspect. Not that that was a new occurrence, but he had thought for sure that at least Mello, Mr. I-Hate-Everyone would share his distrust.
He quickly wiped the pout off of his face as he noticed Matt's raised eyebrow, shooting him an innocent "what?" expression as he rolled his eyes and went back to testing how hard he could swing L's arm before L said anything. Which was apparently very hard.
Matt P.O.V.
As they neared the auditorium, they each seemed to subconsciously slow their pace. The dread in the air was as sharp as ice, and the muted tones drifting through the open doors seemed almost ominous.
"There you are." Watari and Roger hurried over to usher the five of them backstage.
"I've prepared a short speech about the sudden... departure of A and B that Wammy and I will be giving in just a moment," Roger glanced at the clock warily, "And then I would like you to speak to them L."
L seemed about to protest when Light took hold of his hand, "Of course he will, and I'll go with him and offer our support to the students should any of them need it." L and Light exchanged a silent eye battle, which Light appeared to have won as L sighed and nodded.
"I will think of something."
Matt had to refrain from giggling at the look on L's face; though he soon sobered up as it came to him that L would do anything for Light, and Matt wondered if there was anyone that had that much power over him.
Sure, he would jump in front of a knife for Mello, but would he eat a handful of dirt for him? Matt wasn't so sure.
He wondered then if Mello would do that for him. Mello had been quick to stand up to B in the fight earlier, and if it weren't for him, he and Near would probably be with A right about then.
Matt shivered lightly and glanced over at Mello standing beside him. He was staring up at L with the usual admiration, but Matt could tell he was still shaken up from before, with the way he was fiddling with the hem of his shirt.
"Hey." he whispered, poking at Mello as Watari and Roger entered the stage.
Mello glanced over at him, "What?"
He met his eyes and schooled his features to the most serious face he could muster, "Would you eat a handful of dirt for me?"
Mello's nose scrunched up in disgust, "No way!"
Matt laughed a little bit and snatched his hand away from his shirt, "Just checking."
Mello raised an eyebrow at him, but ruined the effect by smiling, "You're so weird sometimes, you know that?"
Matt smiled in response, and glanced over to his other side at Near. If Mello wouldn't eat a handful of dirt for him, then he sincerely doubted Near would. He could see the way he kept glancing at the two of them out of the corner of his eye. Matt knew deep down that Near was a loner at heart, whether it was intentional or not he wasn't quite sure, but he could also clearly see that he needed them more than he would ever admit.
"Hey." Matt nudged him. Near turned his head to look at him, and he offered his other hand.
He glanced down at it, then back up at Matt as if to make sure he was being serious, and then took it.
They found ourselves in the same position at the funeral for A a few days later. Matt glanced to his right where Mello was seated, furiously wiping at the twin tear tracks lining his cheeks with his spare hand. To his left, Near was sitting completely still without a hint of what he was really feeling registering on his face.
"Hey." Matt nudged him, gaining a glare from Roger, who was several seats to the left of where they were seated in the front row of the church. He lifted his shoulders in a half-apologetic shrug and then went back to nudging Near.
"Matt, we aren't supposed to talk during this part." He glanced at Matt ruefully.
"I know," Matt rolled his eyes, "I just wanted to remind you of what L said to us before the assembly."
He knew that Near understood what he was saying by the way he bit his lip and frowned at the floor. Matt sighed and sat back, squeezing both his hand and Mello's, content that at least he would consider it.
He turned his gaze to the front; the casket was closed, and for that he was grateful. Matt didn't want to see A dead. It was enough that he knew he was. In fact it was almost too much. He couldn't imagine what B must have felt, what he must've been feeling.
Matt had a sudden and irrational thought that it was cruel to keep him from the funeral, knife wielding maniac or not.
He wondered if B would have eaten a handful of dirt for A.
L P.O.V.
The funeral was impossibly worse than L had imagined. If it weren't for Light and his moral support, he highly doubt that he could've made it through the entire ceremony.
A had been his first successor, and the top student for so long. Despite what Light kept telling him, L knew that on some level he was responsible for what had happened to them.
Glancing over to their left, L was overwhelmed with gratitude as he noticed Matt holding Mello and Near's hands. He knew that out of the three of them, Matt was possibly the most emotionally sound, despite his horrendous childhood before Wammy's House.
Knowing that he could allow himself this one weakness, and count on Matt to look after his top two was what got him through the funeral.
In his lap L toyed with the frayed edges of the crumpled note. He had read and reread the neat words carefully and lovingly inked into the scrap of notebook paper.
"L."
He looked up at Light, who was watching his fingers as they nervously folded and unfolded the paper.
Light was the only person he had shown the note to, other than of course Watari, who had given it to him in the first place.
At the assembly for A and B, L had gotten off the stage to find Watari waiting. Recognizing the solemn expression he carried he told Light to go ahead and take the boys to their room.
As soon as they were out of earshot, Watari had handed him this.
"A note." He had said, "From B."
When L finally arrived back at his room, he found the boys fast asleep on the pullout couch. Light had waited up for him, and L was glad he had.
He continued to toy with the frayed edges of the paper in his lap until Light gently laid a hand over his. He wasn't sure why he hadn't yet gotten rid of it yet. The words were permanently seared into his memory, no matter what happened to the paper.
When it came time for them to say their final words at the cemetery, L found himself at a loss. And as he scooped up a handful of dirt he let the note fall onto the casket along with it. If Light noticed, he never said anything.
As they drove through the cemetery gates L rested his head on Light's shoulder and closed his eyes for the first time in three days. The words of the note, in A's hand writing stared back at me.
Dear B,
By the time you wake up, I'll be gone.
This has been a long time coming, as you probably know by now. I can tell by the way you've been pacing for the past hour that you're trying to find a way to stop it.
Don't. It's better this way. It's not your fault.
Of everything I know I'll miss you the most.
Tell L goodbye for me.
A
A/N
I'm so sorry for this, the next chapter will be lighter, I promise.
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Good Memories and Nightmares
- MDL