Chapter Ten: Explanation Introspection

"I'm coming in!"

"Ah, Koizumi-kun..." Kyon's mother greeted him. "Kyon's in his room..."

Kyon ran downstairs and barely missed smacking into Itsuki standing at the bottom with a suitcase. "Staying the night again?" he asked.

"If you don't mind," said Itsuki apologetically.

"Fine. I guess Mum will find a bed for you. She told me to tell you that you're not sleeping on the floor ever again. And scolded me for letting you do it the last time." Kyon mounted the stairs.

"Ah, I see. You had something to tell me?" Itsuki followed.

"Yes. I talked to Haruhi today about the giants incident of almost a year ago. We confirmed the nature of our relationship."

Itsuki braced himself, and set his jaw. "I see. Which is...?"

"Friends only. She thanked me for her first rejection." Kyon's smile was watery.

Itsuki felt vaguely surprised, and then caught on. "So that's why you called."

"Yeah. She might be more bothered than she appears. That's what I thought."

"You're probably right. Sorry I got upset."

"No problem, I was in a rush. The adult Mikuru took me on an errand." Kyon sighed.

Itsuki wasn't particularly interested, but he asked, "What about?"

"Honestly, I'm not sure. I'm not even sure she knew. It was something to do with Nishijou and Mikuru."

"Seira-tan?"

"Maybe." Kyon shrugged.

Itsuki understood, and sighed also. "It's useless to speculate, huh?"

"For sure."

The night passed fairly uneventfully, though Itsuki didn't look well-rested to Kyon. It was still dark when they woke in the morning. Itsuki reported that Suzumiya was dreaming the memory of her night with Kyon and the giants again, but it wasn't creating any closed space.

"As expected," said Kyon, and breathed a sigh of relief. "If nothing happened between the hours of twelve midnight and four in the morning, I think we're home free, aren't we?"

Itsuki nodded his assent, then hedged, "Most likely." Well, that was typical of him.

"Fine. I'm sleeping some more." Kyon rolled over. "You should, too." He closed his eyes.

Itsuki closed his eyes. A thought occurred to him. "Kyon."

"Mmm." Listening.

"I think I know what Nishijou — no, Seira-tan — was saying now."

"Mm."

" 'I like watching you sleep.' She was talking about me and Suzumiya, wasn't she?"

"How would I know?" Kyon yawned.

"Is that strange?"

"I doubt it. People look ... cute... or pretty... or peaceful... when they sleep..." Then Kyon woke up to what he said and sat bolt upright, staring wide-eyed at Itsuki. "Wait, what? Shoot, you're not talking literally, are you?"

"I've watched over her, every night, for years. Not with my eyes. But I'm conscious and thinking of her whenever I sleep. I know her better than anyone else, and yet…" Why did I have to fall in love with her? Was it inevitable that my role as protector would evolve into this? Why couldn't I stop it? Why couldn't Kyon take my advice, fall in love with her, and make me move on? Itsuki stopped talking; his thoughts had taken over. Then he cleared his voice and said, "Kyon, in that parallel world you went to earlier this year..."

"Do you think I should be telling you who "you" happened to be there?" Kyon muttered, a little irritated. "I'd think even you would realize that thinking about that world is a little like eavesdropping on your future self! I don't think I would even want to know about the version of me who was supposed to have lived there."

"Please," said Itsuki.

Kyon picked at the covers of his bed, then sighed and relented. "You were Suzumiya's boyfriend. You liked her, but were afraid that she was bored of you. You were just the mysterious transfer student to her. And you were a tad jealous of me because, at least at the time, I had her full attention." He knew he sounded bitter. Kyon flopped back down and buried his head in the pillow, muffling his words before he finished. He didn't want to feed Itsuki's insecurities by detailing the real reasons why Itsuki had envied Kyon.

Itsuki wriggled on his futon. "Was that all? I couldn't catch all of it." Kyon failed to respond. "Well, I understood the gist." Itsuki settled back down. "But in general, the whole event, what happened?"

For a while Kyon would not respond, for it was dark; but Itsuki pressed him further, and he told him. It was confusing. When Kyon had woken up after falling down the stairs—the original universe's fair compensation for being stabbed by Ryoko Asakura in the parallel universe—he had only told them enough to fix the "time loop" with him and no more. It sounded like Kyon had been through a bit more than a time loop—it was more like a paradox. More disturbingly, Kyon had borne the entire responsibility of the club on his own shoulders, and the personal responsibility for Haruhi's and Yuki's futures as well. That had to weigh on him.

It was rather sad, but also funny, to remember what Haruhi had made him do after all Kyon's troubles. If anything, Haruhi ought to be in debt to Kyon.

Sleep came upon them slowly, and they sank into it as if into the embrace of a swampy peat bog.

For Kyon and Itsuki, time passed normally. They fooled around all weekend, competing with video games or running around playing catch outside. Now that Itsuki had recovered from his mental and physical exhaustion he had entailed while trailing Itsuki, he was positively eager to stay active.

When Kyon got the chance, he asked Itsuki about the movie they made for the school festival that last year. Itsuki was uncharacteristically candid. Even so, it took Kyon a good half day before he finally got the nerve to ask the question that had been hounding him all year.

"So, what were you thinking when Haruhi asked you to kiss Mikuru?" Kyon asked tersely.

"Promise you won't get angry first."

Kyon agreed.

"I was panicking."

Kyon closed his eyes, pressed his hands to his face, and groaned. "I would never have guessed."

Itsuki's face twisted. "It's a gift, and a curse. I couldn't think… I just did what she said, because it was the easiest thing to do, and meanwhile my head was screaming at me the entire time and telling me to do something, anything which wouldn't hurt Mikuru and not distress Haruhi. I think I would have pulled back at the last minute…but I'm not sure."

"That's reasonable, I guess," Kyon sighed.

"Here was the problem. I'm Haruhi's yes-man."

"You've made that pretty clear." It was the most irritating thing about Itsuki's behavior in the club, and one thing about him that Kyon was forced to recognize was not a completely natural part of his character. He had had an inkling, before, that something about it was fake, but had never known how deep the attitude went. Still, after spending time outside of class with Itsuki for the last few weeks, he had only begun to understand.

"Haruhi, at that time, was more unstable than she is now. In retrospect, she needed a couple of real crises to feel out what she could and could not do. Although you might not perceive it, I know that Haruhi steadfastly relies on all of us to play our roles perfectly."

Kyon nodded.

"The only one that doesn't apply to…completely…is you, Kyon. Because you're completely human, and the only one she respects as a thinker...no, that's not quite right. Despite what it looks like, she's desperate for your approval. I think I've tried to tell you that before, but I'm not sure how successful I was."

"Your hints helped."

"I'm glad. Everything about this was difficult. I understand her, but I don't understand you. You don't understand her. You…sometimes seem to understand me, but because of my acting, you mostly have to go by my words alone. So I had to be go-between, and I'm afraid the messages got garbled. It would have been better if I was in a position that she trusted more, and able to address the situation directly, but instead I am the one who has to prove my loyalty over and over. You don't have that burden. If you object, Kyon, that's just you; it's what you always do. It will upset her, but it's not as if the entire Brigade rising against her, which is what my disapproval would represent."

"Good grief," Kyon muttered. "Yareyare."

Itsuki looked down at the table, and traced a grain in the wood. "Unfortunately, as her yes-man, I see it as impossible for Haruhi to ever accept me as a potential love interest."

"And that entire incident didn't turn you off at all? Seriously, Itsuki! Even if we could have had a future together, I think — I realized — that was it for us. I can't tolerate that behavior. Not even if she grew past it." Kyon shook his head.

"It was a real shock to my system, but I…can't…" Itsuki shook his head. "I still love her." He sniffed. "I can't explain it any more than that I always have an outlet in my mind that feeds me her emotions…and I understand, whether I want to or not."

"You're between a rock and a hard place, then, Itsuki."

"I know, right?" Itsuki laughed easily but insincerely. He grew distracted, and Kyon didn't feel like picking up the conversation for a while after that.

After they were done playing, Kyon walked Itsuki home. He even got to meet Itsuki's parents. They were nice but reserved people, with faint smiles and shy faces. Compared to them, Itsuki's style of self-expression was practically straight-forward.

"They're thinking of breaking up," Itsuki confided to Kyon once they left.

"What? How— But they're so—"

"Yeah, I know. I don't get it." Itsuki sighed and ruffled his hair with one hand. "And they are quiet about it; I know they just don't want to upset me. Still. It has to do with Dad's decision to move here, I think." He sighed again. "And I'm pretty sure that was out of his control. The esper society probably found a way to force him to do it."

"I see." Kyon hesitated to say anything else.

Luckily, Itsuki took the bait. "So, that's why I've been coming to your house so often lately. The silence is horrible," he said lamely. A twig snapped underfoot.

Somehow, Kyon didn't buy that, but he wasn't about to pursue the issue. "Sure. Anytime," said Kyon. "For what it's worth, I think they'll work it out."

Itsuki shrugged. "Maybe." But his eyes were distant, as if his heart had already grown cold.