Even with Frigga advocating for him, Loki was surprised when his request was granted. He didn't know exactly what she said to convince Odin and he didn't care. Odin had agreed, and he was permitted one full day to return to Midgard.
It was strange to go there by way of the Bifrost rather than the secret pathways, and he tried to ignore Heimdall as he stepped into the chamber and prepared to be sent. He knew Heimdall would be keeping an extremely close eye on him whilst he was on Midgard. Vanishing would not be an option. Heimdall would be on his guard, prepared to act quickly should Loki stay past the twenty-four hours Odin had granted him or if he tried to disappear. All Loki would be able to do would be to throw up an illusion around himself so that Heimdall would not discover Meredith or Peter.
As Heimdall eyes met his, Loki kept his face a careful blank until the Bifrost swept him away.
On Midgard Loki wasted no time. He had so little of it left. He made his way quickly to Meredith's apartment, but on reaching her door he hesitated. He could hear music coming through it. He could faintly catch the words...
Everybody's talkin' 'bout the new sound
Funny, but it's still rock and roll to me…
He leaned against the door for a moment, tired, weary to the bone, but smiling to himself. Meredith and her music. He wouldn't be surprised if Peter grew up to be a musician instead of the star-travelling wanderer that Meredith dreamed for him. The smile faded as the unwelcome thought nudged into his brain that he'd probably never know.
Loki knocked on the door.
The music switched off instantly and he heard footsteps hurrying and then the door swung open.
"Loki!" There was pure relief on Meredith's face as she said his name. And perhaps it was knowing that he might never see her again…but she had never looked more beautiful to him.
He was through the door and kissing her a split second later, kissing her desperately and hungrily and it took a while to realize that her returning kiss seemed just as desperate, just as panicked.
Loki pulled back a little and studied her.
She looked pale and tired but he could make nothing further out.
Leading her to the couch, the two sat down.
"Well?" he asked.
She played with a loose thread of her shirt and looked down not meeting his eyes. Reaching out, he placed a finger under her chin and lifted her face so that their eyes could meet. She was crying.
"Meredith," he said softly, and that was all. He could ask questions later, for now he just held her, knowing instinctively that that was what she needed.
For nearly half an hour she just stayed in his arms, and it was only at the end of that time that she said, softly, "The doctors say I'm sick."
His grip tightened around her shoulder. "How sick?"
"I might die." She said it so softly that he almost missed it.
He took a shaking breath.
"Loki?" she pulled back and looked up at him, hopefully. "You said that Asgard was more advanced in many ways to Earth. Do you think-, medical care or cures, there might be something there that would help me?"
It took effort to answer. "Even if I could find a way to bring you there, to get the healers to help you…it wouldn't work. Asgardians and Midgardians look similar but we are not the same. And our research has all been for Asgardians. It wouldn't work on you. I'm…sorry." Sorry seemed so inadequate, he hated himself for saying it.
But she wasn't angry. Merely crushed. It clearly took a great deal of effort for her not to start crying again.
"Oh," was all she said. There was a long pause. "We don't know what will happen," she said at last. "People do get better. I might get better. And if I don't…well." She shrugged. "I have you and I have Peter. My life has been so full since I've met you. It's not…it wouldn't be the same as if I'd…died without having any of the things you've given me. And there's so much left for us. No matter how long or-, or how short I have."
Loki felt as if someone had punched him in the gut. He had to tell her…he had to her…he had to tell her…
But how could he?
She must have noticed something in his expression because she frowned. "What is it sweetheart?"
"I-…oh Meredith. How am I going to tell you?"
"Tell me what?"
"Odin knows."
She sat up straighter. "Knows what?"
"About my coming to Midgard."
"No!" she said, sudden fury in her voice. "He can't take Peter from me! Not now! I need him Loki. I can't have him taken when I'm…when I might not..."
"No," he said quickly. "He doesn't know about you or Peter. He won't take him. He just knows that I've been coming to Midgard." He looked off across the room, anywhere but at her. He couldn't face her. How could he tell her that he couldn't be there for her when she needed him most. He wanted to destroy something or someone. He wanted to tear worlds apart. He wanted others to hurt as much as he was hurting right now.
How could he tell her?
But Meredith had always understood him in a way he hadn't ever even been able to understand himself. Her hand wrapped around his and she said, in the gentlest, softest voice, filled with concern for him and nothing else, as if he was the one who mattered here and her own fears no longer were important, "What happened Loki? How can I help?"
How can I help? That was what she had asked the day he told her the truth about himself. And here she was asking it again when she was sick, when he just told her that he himself couldn't help her. It broke him inside.
A wild idea occurred to him of taking Meredith and Peter and running. Leaving the Nine Realms behind and never looking back.
But it wasn't possible. Perhaps even a week ago he could have done it, but now it was too late. They'd never make it. Not with Heimdall watching so closely. And Meredith was sick. This planet's medicines would be her best hope.
"I can't come back," he said. The words came out bitter and cold. He hoped she understood that the coldness was not meant for her.
He could feel her hand freeze in his.
"For a while?" she whispered.
Loki shook his head. "Forever."
"Oh."
He drew back. "I'm sorry Meredith," he said abruptly. "I'm so sorry. What I've done, how I've hurt you-"
She surged forward on the couch and wrapped her arms tightly around him. "You haven't. Didn't you hear me Loki? My life with you has been so full…you've given me the strength…whatever happens…I can face it. Because I know you love me. Even if you're across the galaxy, I'll know you still love me. And such think how amazing that is? A love that can reach across the galaxy! You gave me that and your father, no one, can take that away from me. From us."
He kissed her. Deeply, passionately, and without restraint. The two tangled around each other, and were content with silence for a while.
It was later, after Meredith had fed Peter, that she sat back down next to Loki on the couch and asked him something that had been troubling her.
"What about Peter?"
Loki didn't want to talk about Peter. It was too hard. But today wasn't about what he wanted. It was about what Meredith needed. "You don't have to worry about him being taken from you. As I said, Odin doesn't know about him, and I'll never tell."
She shook her head. "That's not what I meant. I might not make it Loki," she said simply. "And then Peter will be alone. He'll have my father. He'll be good to him. And to me," she added gently, smiling up at Loki. "So you mustn't worry that I'll be facing all this alone. But Peter should have a parent. And when I'm gone…"
"I told you why he cannot come to Asgard."
"I know," she said. "But isn't there…isn't there some other way, any other way? Peter is so lucky to have you for his father. For him to never know that, well it breaks my heart Loki."
Loki stared off into the distance. He didn't agree with her that Peter was lucky to be his son, but he had promised Peter hadn't he? He had promised him that he would never be alone or unloved. He had promised him.
If Meredith…if Meredith died…just thinking that was excruciating, but if she was gone, would Peter, raised by his grandfather, face the kind of childhood Loki had had? And would he wonder about his father and why he hadn't been good enough to keep his father around?
He had promised Peter and he needed to keep that promise. And suddenly he saw a possibility.
Loki turned to Meredith. "I'll come for him."
"What?"
"When-if something happens to you, I'll take Peter, and he and I will leave. We'll leave the Nine Realms. Outside of them Odin has no jurisdiction. He can't force us to come back and we can hide. It's beyond Heimdall's gaze. I'll find a world in which Peter can fit in. Where he won't be isolated and alone. Where he can live a rich, full life. Where he can become the Star-Lord you've always wanted him to be."
Meredith beamed. "You could do that?"
"Yes. For a while Odin isn't going to trust me or take his eyes off me. Not now that he knows about my trips to Midgard. But I'll act the part of the dutiful son. I'll be the perfect prince of Asgard. I'll do everything Odin asks of me and more. I'll even play nice with Thor. I'll earn back Odin's trust, so that when the time comes, when you need me, when Peter's needs me, I'll be able to slip away. Our son will not grow up without a parent. Our son will be more loved, more cherished, than any other child ever has been."
Meredith kissed him. "I love you." Then she frowned. "How will you know? How will you know when…when to come for Peter?"
Loki hesitated, thinking. He then stood up and took a knife from the kitchen and returned. He took Meredith's hand. "This will hurt," he said apologetically. "But I have to do it."
She nodded.
He made a small cut in the palm of her hand, and watched as a few drops of blood welled up. Then slipping the golden ring off his finger, he placed it on top of the blood and covered her hand with his. He murmured a few words of magic, there was a blue glow, and when he removed his hand, the ring now shone red. He picked it up and slipped it back on his hand.
"This ring," he said, showing it to her, "will shine as long as your heart beats. If and when its color fades back to gold…I'll know that Peter needs me. And I'll come for him. I swear."
It was strange how quickly a day could pass. Strange and so unjust. Each moment was precious and over so quickly.
There was so much to say and so little time. And yet, Loki almost didn't want to ruin their last few hours with words. The silence with her was so precious. He wanted to hold Meredith. He wanted to remember the feeling of her in his arms forever.
It wasn't fair. It wasn't just. It was cruel and brutal.
He wished she would accuse him, that she would upbraid him for creating this situation in which she was to be left alone to raise a child and face an illness, without the man she loved by her side. He wouldn't have blamed her if she hated him.
But she didn't. Her only anger was at Odin and even then she seemed to feel that their last day together was too dear to spend on anger.
The hours ticked by and at last he forced him to stand. She looked up, terror suddenly in her face.
"Not yet," he said. "I have a little while longer only…I want to go say goodbye to Peter."
She nodded.
He walked into the bedroom where Peter was sleeping and picked the child up from the cradle. Peter woke, but didn't cry. Instead he sleepily clasped one of Loki's fingers.
Loki found that he was shaking. Forcing himself to remain calmed he kissed Peter on the forehead.
"I love you Star-Lord. And I'll be there for you if you need me. What adventures we could have!"
He didn't think he could say anymore. If he did, he would cry, and he would not, could not, show Meredith a tearstained face. He needed to be strong for her.
Loki lay Peter back in the cradle and watched until the boy fell back asleep and then he stepped back out into the living room.
Meredith was standing, waiting for him.
He came over and kissed her.
"I should go," he said softly.
Her grip tightened.
"I can't risk being late," he said. "Odin can't send anyone down to look for me. He can't find out about you."
"No," she agreed. "I can't lose Peter as well."
He nodded, and stood there, holding her for another minute. "I don't know how to say goodbye," he said at last. "I don't know how to say I love you for the last time."
She smiled up at him, tears welling in her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. She tucked a strand of his hair back behind his ear. "Do you remember the day we met?"
In spite of himself, he smiled. "Yes. You came over to me in the store."
She nodded, "And do you remember what I said to you when you asked why I did that?"
He didn't answer.
"I saw the lightness in you. Loki, if I never see you again, I want you to know something. You're so hard on yourself."
He actually laughed at that. "What?"
Meredith shrugged. "I think deep down, you judge yourself harsher than anyone else does. Your world, your family, friends, they've done that to you. If I could punish every last one of them for that, I would. You are light but you see only darkness where this is none. Light creates shadow, and that is what you see: your shadow, and that's not the real you. Never forget who you are: a being composed of pure light. No matter what anyone else says. No matter what anyone else tells you. No matter what anyone else makes you feel. You are light."
If he spoke now, he would cry. So instead he kissed her. A deep, desperate kiss. A kiss that he hoped would say all the things he no longer had the strength to say. When it was over, they simply looked at each other, and she nodded, ever so slightly, as if she knew everything in his heart and in his head, and then he left.
As the apartment door shut behind him, he broke, and finally allowed himself to cry.
For several long minutes he stood out in the hallway, and wept silently. But he only allowed himself a little time. He wouldn't risk Meredith finding him like this.
He forced himself to straighten; he forced himself back into control, and he walked out of the building.
Outside, Midgard was sunny, with a pleasant breeze blowing in the trees. It was a lovely world. And he realized as he looked around that he had felt more at home here than he ever had on Asgard.
He took the red ring off his finger and put it back on the chain around his neck before dropping the magical illusion that he had so carefully kept up around him and then mentally reached out to Heimdall.
I'm ready.
As he felt the Bifrost reach out to him, he felt a surge of panic and mental agony. But by the time he was deposited back in the chamber before Heimdall, he face was a perfect mask of indifference.
Frigga was waiting for him anxiously. She searched his face, looking for some hint of his feelings. But he ignored her, and walked past her, back to the palace.