Chapter 10

The three boys had left Carlos sleeping in peace the day before. None of them could sleep that night, all for different reasons.

Kendall felt confused. He didn't know why Katie had been so fed up. He knew they were to blame, but why would Katie be in tears because they had hurt Carlos so bad? Kendall completely blamed himself, and knew this was probably all his fault. He was the leader, and he had led the others into being jerks to Carlos. Katie acted like Carlos was so important to her just a while ago. Did Katie really like Carlos like a brother more than she liked Kendall? Carlos and Katie were always pretty close, because their maturity levels were about the same. Kendall tried not to think about it, but he knew Katie loved Carlos more than she loved Kendall. Kendall was a horrible brother to her, and Kendall wouldn't complain if Katie told Kendall she hated him. Kendall knew he deserved to be hated more than anyone.

James felt disappointed and devastated. How could this happen to his best friend? Well, Carlos and him weren't really best friends a week ago. James had only read about this in stories and magazines. He never imagined one of his friends from pre-K would commit suicide. Especially not Carlos. Carlos was always so happy and innocent, and James didn't even think Carlos knew that the human being had the ability to kill themselves. How did Carlos even know what 'suicide' meant? No one had the heart to ever tell him about it. James was so disappointed in himself. If he hadn't been such a jerk, maybe this wouldn't have happened. Maybe none of this would have happened. He was Carlos's last hope for comfort, and James had ruined his last hope. Carlos had hoped James would be friends with him, and James had just hurt him in return.

Logan felt anger and a tiny tinge of sadness. He was angry that he was so stupid, treating Carlos like an idiot. Carlos deserved more than that. Logan was the one who deserved to be bullied again. He deserved nothing other than harsh treatment right now. Logan was angry that he started all this. He started treating Carlos badly, and the others followed. He was angry that Carlos committed suicide. And mostly because Carlos committed suicide because of him. Logan just thought of this as another repeat of his life. His uncle had committed suicide and died a couple of years ago. Logan loved his Uncle Jeff, and now he was gone, just because he decided to kill himself. Carlos couldn't die, or Logan would blame himself forever.

James had moved into Logan and Kendall's room, claiming he was lonely without Carlos sleeping in there with him. James slept on the floor, saying he didn't need a mattress or anything. James heard Kendall and Logan still making strange noises and not asleep. James couldn't blame them. Who could sleep with all this guilt in their body? Did Carlos feel like this when they blamed him for the stupidest things?

James suddenly remembered something from a few nights before. It was the day that Carlos had committed suicide. James was pretty sure it was that morning, at about 4 A.M. or so. Carlos woke up gasping and whimpering. James winced as he remembered what he had said. He had told Carlos to shut up because he was sleeping. James was so mad at himself. Carlos probably had some nightmare, and James wasn't there to comfort him.

James knew he had been selfish. He had been so selfish, caring more about his beauty sleep than anything else. Carlos was probably suffering more than he would if he didn't get his beauty sleep, and what had James done? Nothing. Nothing at all. That was the fact that made James wanted to kill himself right there. He was such a stupid person!

"Guys?" Someone whispered in the midst of the darkness. James knew it was Kendall. James wanted to tell Kendall that he didn't need to be strong for him and Logan, but Kendall would probably just ignore him.

"Kendall?" Logan whispered, sounding so vulnerable James wanted to give him a hug. "You're awake?"

"Why would I be talking if I wasn't?" Kendall snapped back playfully. Logan sighed.

"Is James awake?" Logan asked quietly. James pretended to be asleep. He made sure his breathing wasn't too even. He really didn't want to talk about anything right now. Luckily, the other two fell for his act, and kept on talking.

"I can't believe we were so mean..." Logan whispered, his voice choked. Kendall muttered something in agreement.

"I don't even know why we got so mad. It was just a mistake, but we got so stinking fed up over it." Kendall said firmly. His voice didn't shake one bit.

"I guess we were just tired of Carlos messing up all the time. But now, thinking back on it, that is just a stupid and lame excuse." Logan said. Unlike Kendall, Logan sounded like he was about to cry. James knew if he were having this conversation with them, he would be crying.

"I thought you were the smart one Logan. You should've thought twice about it before you just came up and told us about Carlos messing up the folders." Kendall told him, a tiny sign of a sneer in his voice.

"What are you talking about? Are you blaming me?" Logan asked, anger and a little bit of hurt filling his voice. James could hear Logan's breathing get harder until it was so audible, James thought even Mrs. Knight heard it. Well, she and Katie had ear muffs on, so... maybe not.

"Well... you did start it." Kendall retorted.

"Are you kidding me? You're supposed to be the leader! You're supposed to lead us! You led us into this!" Logan cried loudly.

"What are you talking about?"

"This is both of our faults, not only mine!"

"You know what? Who cares! You're waking James up!" Kendall said. The conversation stopped after that. James couldn't believe they stopped arguing because of him. James was the oldest, and felt responsible for the others' well beings. He was supposed to be the oldest and most responsible. But Kendall and Logan were. James was trying to learn to be responsible, but he just couldn't get the hang of it. How did Kendall and Logan do it? He felt as though he should've been the leader of them all, not Kendall. Kendall was younger than him by a month or so. But that was a lot. There was a lot you could learn in a month.

James was glad he wasn't in that conversation. Either he would have been blamed, or he would start blaming someone else, or he'd have to choose a side to be on. James thought Logan and Kendall were both right. Logan was to blame because he was the first to start ignoring Carlos. James and Kendall kind of just followed Logan. They kind of just did it because of their own will. Kendall was to blame, too, because he was the leader. He always stopped the others before they did something that would get them fired or break up the friendship bond.

Kendall had always made James, Logan, and Carlos promise that L.A. wouldn't change them. And now, their best friend was in the hospital because James, Logan, and Kendall had broken their promise. James knew he was to blame, too. He was the selfish one who ignored Carlos when he was hurt in the middle of the night having a nightmare, and he was the one who cared only about himself.

Kendall was mad because he cared about Jo. Logan was mad because he cared about others peoples' well beings, and wanted to help them. James was mad because he had lost his modeling job. Selfish, selfish, selfish.

Soon, James heard Kendall snoring, and Logan soon followed. Logan had never snored that loud, but he muttered in his sleep. James could never make out the words Logan was saying when he slept. Today it was something about pi, or maybe it was pie.

James pinched himself for real, and kicked himself mentally. He was the stupidest person ever. After thinking about how this was all his fault, James Diamond finally fell into a fast and peaceful sleep.

A/N- James... You're so strange sometimes... Next chapter probably will be Logan's POV! Hope you liked this chapter! Hope you'll like the next chapter!

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