CHAPTER 10

"I don't wanna see a shrink." Maureen said firmly. "I've been there, done that, and I don't want any more of their analysis shit."

"You've done therapy before?" Collins asked, an eyebrow raised.

"Yeah." Maureen cracked an egg into the mixing bowl. "When my parents got divorced, they had me see some guy for a few months. I don't think it really helped any, and it cost a lot of money. Not that Mom minded," She remarked thoughtfully. "It came out of Dad's child support checks."

Collins kinda laughed at that, and Maureen gave him a bitter smile. He was leaning against that wall, watching as Maureen moved around his kitchen, pulling out baking powder from the refrigerator and flour from the cupboard. "You're very well-stocked," She noted, looking impressed. "Joanne doesn't cook, so we always eat out and there's no reason to keep baking supplies at home. And I couldn't find half this stuff at Mark and Roger's place, when I lived there. They don't have shit."

"Yeah, well Angel always liked to cook. I kept things stocked after she left, even though I don't bake every often."

She gave him a careful glance after he mentioned his former lover. He seemed fine though, not depressed by it, so she continued.

"That's really sweet, though I don't know that pancakes could really qualify as baking," Maureen teased. Collins shrugged.

She continued, "Anyway, I just really don't feel like therapy. I don't want to do it."

"Are you uncomfortable about discussing all this?"

"Not with you. But to show up in an office and chat with someone about the messed up stuff in my life, then smile, shake hands and leave once my hour's up? It's too weird, and impersonal. Besides, it's not just about…Roger and all that crap. Joanne wants us to go together, to talk out our issues and all. I think Joanne thinks they're related, but," Maureen shook her head. "I don't know."

"You think she's right?"

"Maybe. Maybe there are some things we could discuss, but maybe this is her way of getting out of having to deal with anything. I just think she wants to go so she can work this out and get over it and move on. Joanne doesn't like a lot of drama, you know."

"Huh. What about for you? Do you think it could help you?"

Maureen considered as she mixed the batter together. It was fluffed up quickly and she set it down as she went about searching for a pan. "I don't know if I want to talk about all this to someone I don't even know. I'd rather hash it all out with you, Collins." She glanced up and sent him a grin. "Be my therapist?"

He returned her smile. "What else are you here for?"

Maureen set the skillet on the stove, greased it, then turned on the heat. "Pancakes of course! I'm here to use up all your ingredients; I told you Joanne doesn't keep our pantry stocked."

"Right- I should've realized." He teased back, watching as she began pouring the batter for the first one. It pooled in a pale circle on the pan, the butter around it smoking slightly. "Turn that down."

"I am!" She did as he said, lowering the flames, then turned back to the cupboard.

"Now what are you looking for?" He asked, amused.

"Chocolate chips, duh."

Soon enough, Maureen had a stack of chocolate chip pancakes on a plate, and she set them down on the table with a flourish. Conversation was quiet for the first few minutes, then compliments arose over her cooking.

"Never saw you as one for domestic duties." He smirked at her, and in response she stuck her tongue out.

Between her sarcastic humor and the wild stories they both had to share, Maureen found herself laughing more freely than she had in a long while. It wasn't too bad to see the grin back on Collins' face, either.

"I don't care if you show up or not!" She yelled into the cellphone. It wasn't true, but Joanne was giving her such a hard time about the scheduling, Maureen didn't see the point in going. It wasn't even her idea to begin with.

After her latest escapade, Joanne had insisted that Maureen run all of her plans by her first, so Joanne could approve them first and know where she was at all times. Hell, Joanne even paid for Maureen's cellphone so she could call her whenever she needed to, to check up on her. It was like one of those anklets a prison would put on criminals to keep track of their whereabouts.

Of course Joanne didn't see it that way.

"It's just so we're on the same page". She insisted. Joanne called it communication.

Maureen called it Joanne's controlling and oppressive tendencies getting the better of her.

"A prison anklet? Isn't that a bit extreme?" He asked. Maureen shook her head, eyebrows raised.

"I'm serious! I'll bet she even had a GPS chip installed on me somewhere while I was asleep or something!"

Collins rolled his eyes at Maureen's absurdity. They had taken a picnic to Central Park, at her insistence that he get out of the house and "go somewhere less depressing than those meetings where everyone's sick and dying". Amused by her description of Life Support, Collins agreed only on the condition that she in turn, attends one of those grim meetings with him every time he went with her on an outing. It was her turn now though, and he had to admit, it was nice to spend some time out by the trees.

"I'm going out."

"Fine."

"…Really?" Maureen poked her head back around the doorway to look at Joanne curiously.

"I said, fine. Go if you want to Maureen." The lawyer seemed exhausted as she looked up at Maureen from her book. "I'm not going to stop you."

"Alright." Maureen wasn't going to complain now that she was being so easily let off the hook, so after watching Joanne (who ignored her girlfriend's presence) for a few more moments, Maureen left.

There was a woman who had regularly attended the meetings with her brother. She had given him blood after he was hurt in a car crash, not knowing that she had been infected and was HIV positive. They always came together, listening to other, sharing their own story. He hadn't been looking too well a few weeks ago, and then both siblings were gone. Now she had returned, alone, to the support group.

Maureen was pale when the woman said that she had bad news. She hadn't even known the brother, only heard about them from Collins, but she gasped with all the rest when the sister related the news of her brother's death. Maureen was the only one who seemed surprised by the news, but everyone was sympathetic, respectful and quiet when the sister continued speaking.

She shared her feelings of guilt, her feelings that as an older sister, she had failed her brother. She shared how painful it had been in the final days, and how difficult it was for her now. Collins had seen many members come and go, but this was only Maureen's second meeting and he wondered how she was taking this. Collins stole a look at her. Maureen had her knees drawn up, and a tissue pressed to her mouth as she watched with shining eyes.

Collins turned back to the woman speaking. She was clutching a tissue in her hands, her voice low and miserable.

"The guilt… that's the worst part. And I don't know how I could be with anyone, not after this… not after I've realized how awful the virus can get near the end."

A man sitting next to her spoke up, thoughtful and sympathetic. "The pain is difficult, I understand. It's impossible to see past this misery, but there will be more in your life… I remember when I lost Tim, my boyfriend. I didn't know how to go on without him… it was so hard, for months I just didn't know how to function. Everyday things were impossible, I could only think of him."

Maureen reached for Collins' hand and they listened patiently. It was difficult for both of them. She felt bad for having condemned Life Support as a group of depressed HIV+ people, since there was also the uplifting, reflective side where people shared stories and laughed over situations, bonding with strangers over their common diagnosis.

"What's wrong?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're unusually quiet," Joanne observed over their dinner. Maureen shrugged, like a sulking kid that didn't feel like sharing their bad day with a parent.

"I just don't feel like talking." There wasn't much to say anymore, Maureen thought. She couldn't bring herself to share that thought aloud.

The silence only got louder.

"I haven't talked to Mark. Have you talked to him lately?" Maureen's tone was casual but her eyes gave her away. She didn't look at Collins, but kept her eyes firmly on the kettle of heating water on the stove before her.

"You haven't talked to him at all?" He asked in a tone equally light, pulling down some tea boxes for her to chose from.

"Not since- you know. But is he alright?" And Roger? She silently wondered how everyone was reacting. She had taken refuge in her home, but with the tension from Joanne she spent more time with Collins. There had been a few times when she contemplated calling the Loft just to check in with everyone and maybe get some idea of what had been going on with everyone else, but she chickened out and set the phone back down.

"He hasn't called you?"

She shook her head, picking out Green tea and setting the packet in. She poured the hot water over it, than watched as the swirls spread, the tea steeping. They moved to the table.

"That's not right. And Roger? You haven't heard from him?"

Maureen shook her head again, and Collins seated himself opposite her. "You know I don't like to gossip,"

"But…." She led him, smiling slightly. He sighed at her expectant look.

"Mimi and Roger…"

"Yeah?"

"Mimi's been staying with Benny."

"You mean, at his house!?" She was incredulous. "But what about-"

"Muffy left Benny. Word got back to her about Mimi." Collins explained.

"My God, that's sort of extreme, isn't it?"

Collins shrugged. "Maybe not. She was risking a lot, taking a gamble to be with Benny when he was from such a different background than she was, and he wasn't faithful."

Maureen was quiet, thoughtful. "I don't know, I mean, didn't he love her?"

Collins looked at her and challenged. "What about you and Mark, or you and Joanne? You've never pretended to be completely loyal to either one of them."

"Yeah? And?" Maureen hadn't taken such a defensive tone with him in a long while, and Collins backpedaled quickly, calming her down while making his point.

"Just don't be so quick to condemn Allison for being harsh just because your partners have been so forgiving with you. Not everyone is as lenient as Mark was."

That shut her up. Maureen scowled and set her mug down on the table with unnecessary force, then yelped as she hot water splashed over the rim of the mug onto her fingers.

"Careful!" He cautioned.

"I'm fine!" She snapped, pushing his hand away from hers. After the support he'd been offering her this past week, Collins had become one of the few men she felt truly at ease with, but with all this talk of relationships, she was worn thin.

"Maureen, don't be so touchy. Let's not go back there."

"Sorry," she mumbled. Maureen refrained from snapping again when he asked her if she needed a napkin, only nodded. When he was seated again, she returned to the gossip they'd been discussing.

"Has Mark been seeing anyone?"

"Nah. I think he's still hung up on you."

Maureen snorted, rolling her eyes. "I can't imagine why. I'm unfaithful, loud, cheap, and come with trunks full of baggage."

Collins just shrugged. Maureen waited before asking, "So, Roger's alone? Other than Mark, he's alone?"

"You're asking about him and Mimi?"

Maureen nodded.

"She's upset with him."

"Over…?"

He looked at her skeptically. "What do you think?"

"Me?" She questioned.

"Not exactly. You realize that that was a lot for everyone to take in at once. I had no idea what to expect, and you sort of threw us for a curveball."

"Yeah, I know. Things haven't been going well for me and Joanne either- you know."

He nodded, solemn. After a few agitated moments, Collins just said, "Muffy and Benny, Mimi and Roger, Mark and you and Joanne- it's just not right!"

Maureen was surprised by his vehement tone. "What do you mean?"

He said wearily, "All these unhappy people, shit. It just don't make sense for people not to be spending their time with the people they love. You never know when it'll all be over, you know?"

Maureen frowned, sipping from her mug, thinking of the people she had seen at Life Support, the people she saw everyday out on the street, couples in the park. She thought of her own life.

"Yeah." She said slowly. "Yeah, I think I know what you mean."

She had to talk to Roger.

AN: YES! I have another chapter up! And it's long! And I'll get the next one up tonight, too, which is gonna be all sorts of crazy, cuz things change and get tricky and omigoodness, I'm excited to be posting right now!

And just so you know (I'm in a whimsically good mood), I love you, my reviewers. Really I do. I think you are all swell!

Wait, though.... as soon as I get one review- just ONE- I will post the next one. I have it right here, with me, like a cat on my lap, purring and just waiting to be posted, so c'mon now! Lemme know you want it!