CHAPTER 10

"Because ye have said,

We have made a covenant with death,

and with hell are we at agreement;

for we have made lies our refuge,

and under falsehood have we hid ourselves:

the hail shall sweep away the refuge of lies,

and the waters shall overflow the hiding place.

Isaiah 28:15,17

THEN

Heaven

"Where is Anael?"

"Didn't you hear, brother?" Rachel looked at Castiel with sad eyes. "She fell."

"What?" Castiel couldn't believe his ears. Anael had always been the most obedient of them. She was the garrison's general, a true leader. How could she have fallen?

"She fell in love with a man; a human, Castiel!" Rachel said, exasperated. "She left us to become a mortal!"

"I don't understand," Castiel murmured. "What happens to the garrison now?"

"I guess you will be the new leader, as you were her second-in-command."

"I don't want to be a leader. I want our sister back."

"That is not happening, and you know it," Rachel's tone was heavy. "Those who chose to fall can never come back, even if they regret their decision."

"But what will become of her? How will she live without her Grace?"

"The man she fell for will help her, I suppose."

"But… is he at least worthy of her?"

Rachel widened her eyes. "Careful, brother, this can be considered blasphemy! No mortal is worthy of us. We are angels; we serve the Lord."

"Can't our pride be considered a blasphemy too?"Castiel questioned her. "We were made to serve the Lord; therefore, we are mere servants. Didn't Father tell us to love humans?"

"Yes, but not one in particular! He wants us to love all humankind!"

"But why can't Anael love one man and still serve the Lord?"

"Brother, please!" Rachel said, distressed. "Your questions are strange and they make me worry about you. You must not question our orders!"

"I am not questioning, Rachel!" Castiel insisted. "I merely want to know why-"

"Enough, brother! Someone may hear your words and interpret them as disobedience. It's not our place to ask why things are the way they are. We just serve, nothing more."

"I know. Forgive me."

"Come, we must gather the garrison and tell them you are our general now."

"As you wish," Castiel said, resigned, promising himself he would try to find Anael next time his duties took him to Earth. Just to check, he told himself. Just to see if she was happy with her choice.

NOW

Lawrence, Kansas, August, 2013

The walk to the garage took some time, because Castiel's body hurt and he felt heavy with tiredness. That, and the inability to fly because of his lack of Grace. He walked slowly, stopping every few minutes to look around. Who knew who or what could be watching. After all that had happened that night, he had to be extra cautious from now on.

As he had imagined, Dean was in the garage, but he wasn't alone; Sam was with him. Castiel could see them through the locked glass door, but when he knocked, and when Dean saw him, he turned his back and went inside the office.

Castiel's heart sank. Dean refused to let him inside.

"I'm sorry, Castiel," said Sam, who took pity on him and went to talk to him outside. "Dean didn't want to tell me what happened, but he said that you messed things up between you guys."

"Is he alright? Is he hurt?"

"He's fine. At least physically."

"I really ruined everything," Castiel said, more to himself.

"I'm pissed at him, you know; at all of you. More than pissed, actually. How could you guys risk yourselves like that?" Sam finally lost the calm he had been showing so far, balling his fists.

"He told you, then."

"He didn't tell me anything. He's been here since yesterday night, and he's angry, sad, he's… he's a mess. Dad ended up telling me what you did at the police station, and he gave me the file you guys stole. We burned it."

"I'm glad you destroyed the evidence."

"But if things had gone wrong – if, if anyone had seen you there, things would get so much worse, and not only for you, for me too. I told Dean he is forbidden to meddle with my life, ever again."

"He feels responsible for your safety."

"Well, he's not. If you haven't noticed, I'm a big boy. Hell, I'm bigger than any of you!"

"Dean said you will forgive him eventually. He's counting on that."

Sam sighed. "I probably will. Shit, what you guys did was beyond irresponsible, and as a lawyer I can't condone this. But… well, with the records gone, I guess my name is clean again. I just hope no one will remember this ever happened."

"No one will," Castiel said with conviction, remembering that Gabriel had taken care of it. He had erased everyone's memories, hadn't he? Not that he could tell that to Sam.

There was a moment of silence in which Castiel felt Sam studying him curiously. "You're strange sometimes, Cas."

"I've been told that more than once." Castiel felt so heavy that he just had to sit down, and the sidewalk was just a good place as any.

"Cas, what happened between you and Dean?" Sam said, crouching next to Castiel and looking at him with dismay. "He is fuming, and he looks… drained! What the hell, you guys were more than fine yesterday!"

Castiel shook his head. "I can't tell you, Sam. I'm sorry. But maybe Dean will."

"He told me not to talk about you ever again. And to stop talking to you."

"Oh."

"Yeah. Listen, Cas, even if I don't know what happened… you risked your neck for me and I appreciate it; even if it was against the law and stupid. I know when Dean decides something, no one can stop him."

"You're welcome, Sam."

"So, if… you know, if you wanna go in there and talk to him, I'll pretend I didn't see you getting inside."

"He'll be angry at you."

"Yeah, I know, but I'm angry at him too, so…"

"Thank you," was all Castiel could say. He got up slowly, leaning against the wall for support.

Sam got up too. "You okay?"

"Yes, just… tired."

"I'm on my way home. Go on, Cas, talk to him. Whatever this is, it's not beyond repair, I'm sure."

Castiel only nodded, because Sam had no idea how wrong he was.

He didn't knock, just went inside the garage, locked the door behind him and went straight to the office, where Dean was sitting behind the desk with a beer in his hand and his head resting on his other arm, his eyes closed.

"I told you to go home, Sammy," he said tiredly, not opening his eyes.

Castiel took a deep breath. It was now or never. "It's me."

"Shit!" Dean almost jumped from the chair, spilling beer everywhere. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"We need to talk."

"No we don't!" Dean shouted. "You – you – what the hell are you, anyways?" he asked, taking several steps back, away from Castiel, until his back hit the wall of the small office. "That thing you did with the wings, was that a trick or what?"

"Will you let me explain?" Castiel took one step forward, but Dean raised his hand in a stop gesture.

"Stay there, I'm warning you! You wanna talk, then talk, but stay where you are."

"Dean, please…"

"You're not human," Dean said, his eyes heavy with accusation.

Castiel sighed. "No. I'm not."

Dean gulped. "Neither is that guy who attacked us. Or any of the others."

"No."

"Right," Dean ran a hand over his face, clearly distressed. "That man said he was a – a demon."

"He is," Castiel said, trying to remain calm, but his heart was beating so fast that he thought Dean could hear it. "As all the others that attacked us."

"And you are…?" Dean crossed his arms, trying to project anger, but what Castiel saw in his eyes was far worse: fear.

"I'm an Angel of the Lord," he said, straightening himself, trying to show all the confidence he didn't feel.

Dean snorted. "There's no such thing as angels."

Castiel huffed a sigh. "If you believe it is possible that demons exist, why not angels?"

"Because it would mean there is a God, and there is a Devil, and this shit is too Bible camp for me."

"I can assure you that God is very real. As is the Devil."

Dean gave a tight-lipped smile. "Yeah, that makes me feel so much better."

Castiel tried to take a step in Dean's direction again. "Dean-"

"Stop right there, I told you!" Dean snapped. "You think I'm stupid? You think I'm gonna fall in your pretty story about Heaven and Hell? How naïve do you think I am? This is bull shit!"

"Your lack of faith is disturbing." Castiel said, starting to lose his patience. "I'm standing right here, in front of you. You saw my wings. You saw Crowley's red eyes, and the other demons' black ones. And still you doubt?"

"Listen, asshole, no more twilight Zone talk, okay?" Dean tightened his crossed arms. "Tell me what really happened. No funny tricks this time."

"You saw what happened, Dean!" Castiel was exasperated now. "I didn't use any 'trick', I'm not a magician; I'm an Angel. Those demons wanted to hurt us. I believe one of them possessed Sam!"

Dean's eyes widened. "Who did what?"

"That's why Sam doesn't remember what happened; that's why he had marijuana with him. He was possessed."

"And you expect me to believe that?"

"You saw it!" Castiel clenched his fists. "You saw the demons and what they did, how they turned to black smoke when I killed them! How can you not believe it?"

"I don't know what I saw anymore. You – you had – you had fucking wings! And I don't-"

"Dean, please, let me-"

"Shut the fuck up!" Dean yelled, his face suddenly very red. "You come here and say you're a fucking angel, and you expect me to what – to throw myself at your feet? To start praying and singing religious hymns?" He ran his hand through his hair. "This is fucking crazy, you gotta be kidding me," he gave a humorless laugh.

"Dean…"

"I need to sit down," Dean said, pulling a nearby chair to him and sitting heavily on it. "This is too much, I keep expecting to wake up any minute now."

"I understand you're… reluctant to believe in this, but-"

"Reluctant?" Dean shook his head in disbelief. "I'm freaking out. That explains so much about you… all the – all the awkwardness, and – and – shit, angels and demons in my fucking life, messing with me and my family, and for what?"

"It wasn't on purpose, but it's my fault, I – Crowley, he wants revenge because I imprisoned him and now – "

"And we have to fucking pay for that?" Dean yelled again. "So you – you're not even human, and you come here and get into my life and – and you put my family in danger because a demon, or whatever, is after you and – why the fuck didn't you say anything?"

"What did you want me to say, Dean?" suddenly Castiel forgot he was supposed to keep his distance and he was leaning over Dean, whose eyes had widened again. "Hello, Dean, I'm Castiel, I'm an Angel of the Lord, let's be friends?"

Dean looked at him, and suddenly, all his anger seemed to disappear. He looked down and murmured, "So you decided to come to Earth and have fun with a human, uh? Congratulations, you had lots of fun, didn't you?"

"Dean, it was never like that, I swear on my Grace that-"

"Your what? Grace?" Dean looked at him tiredly, his voice sounding angry but his eyes showing so much hurt that Castiel's heart clenched in his chest.

"The Grace is the angels' equivalent to the human soul."

"So you really are a soulless bastard," Dean snorted sadly. "How could you lie to me like that? I bet you had lots of fun, didn't you? The whole 'human' experience, sex included as a bonus! You made up a story about your life, a last name and everything!"

"I didn't lie, not completely. I really was casted out of my home – Heaven – and my brothers and sisters turned their back on me – except for Gabriel – because I rebelled. My Father is really busy and absent and I worked almost all the time, I rarely left my garrison. And-"

"So all the bull shit you said is true, only from another point of view, right? You know what? I don't care, Cas. I don't care. I thought we had something real, and it was all a lie."

"It wasn't!" Castiel said vehemently. "It isn't. I love you!"

"No you don't. You really don't." Dean looked down again. "And you know what else? I fell in love with a guy, a human, for Christ's sake, a little awkward, but simple and cool, and you're not him. I don't know you. There's nothing real about our story, because you were lying to me all the time." He gave a small, hysterical laugh, "Fuck, you're not even a guy! You're a – a freaking angel and – this is crazy, man. I need to process this in my head, because I feel like I'm gonna go crazy any minute now."

"I can give you all the time you want to think about this, Dean, but please-"

"So give me forever," Dean snapped, getting up, suddenly resolute. He looked at Castiel with cold eyes, and the angel knew, in that moment, that they were over. "Go away, please."

Castiel felt his insides turning cold. "Dean, please, this is not over, I need to tell you everything. Please, let me explain, I'm sure you will understand."

"Save it, Cas. I don't want to hear anything you have to say. And I wouldn't believe you anyway."

"I love you, Dean, please!"

"You don't know what love is. You don't have a soul." Dean closed his eyes tiredly and Castiel had the distinct impression he was fighting back tears. "Just – just go. Please, just go."

Castiel felt that the whole world was crumbling around him. "Is this really what you want?"

Dean nodded. "It is. And please, don't come here again. I – I don't wanna see you anymore."

The angel sighed and turned to leave, finally giving up. Dean had his mind set and nothing Castiel did or said would change that.

"And keep your distance from Sam and Mom too," Dean said, his voice strained. "I don't want – God, I can't even – how is this real? I don't want demons coming after us again. Shit, I can't even think about explaining to them what you are. If you really are who you say you are."

Castiel stood there for a full minute, with his hand on the doorknob, not knowing what to say or do, because this couldn't be the end, it just couldn't! He wanted to kneel at Dean's feet and tell him everything, Death's orders be damned. He wanted to explain that Dean's life was still in danger and all this mess was far from over because Crowley was still around. He wanted to say that he would protect Dean with his life, and he would gladly die defending him, if he had to.

But he didn't. He was only a shadow now, a far cry from what he'd once been, and he couldn't protect anyone like this. He was a failure; he was nothing.

Castiel closed the door quietly when he left, and the weight of his defeat was so big that it was almost too hard to keep standing. Slowly, he started to walk back home, knowing nothing was going to be alright, ever again.

THEN

Kansas border, March, 2013

"Can't you go faster?" Castiel said, annoyed, drying the sweat on his forehead with his sleeve.

"Nope," Gabriel said while he drove his shiny Chevrolet Equinox. "You can't fly long distances. Although I can, and my Grace is full on, if I fly and take you with me they will feel it."

"I know. But this means of transportation takes a lot of time. This car is… slow. Confining."

Gabriel laughed. "I know. It took me some time to get used to this. But girls love it, specially the back seat, if you get my meaning."

Castiel looked at his brother with his usual blank expression.

Gabriel rolled his eyes. "Forget it, you're still too naïve for this. The thing is, people back in Heaven can't know I'm helping you. We've already talked about this."

Castiel sighed. It seemed he did a lot of sighing these times. "It's hot."

"Yeah, I know, bro, but I told you to leave this stupid trench coat behind. You didn't want to. Shut up and enjoy the view."

"I like the trench coat; you chose it for me."

"If you're already emotionally attached to a piece of clothing, I wonder… your attachment to Dean must be even greater," Gabriel teased.

"I told you, it´s not about that. I worry because he is my charge."

"Yeah, like an anal retentive guy like you would fall just to protect his charge."

"I am not a guy and I am not fallen."

"Semantics, semantics, little bro. It's not as if you can go back upstairs any time soon."

"Why do you insist on tormenting me?"

"Um… because it's funny to see you sulking."

"I'm not sulking, Gabriel." Castiel pinched the bridge of his nose. "But why does it take nine hours to get where Dean is?" he insisted.

"Gosh, Cassie, you are unbelievable! I live in Chicago, Illinois, your prince charming lives in Lawrence, Kansas. I can't zap you there, and I don't think you would enjoy flying on a plane; therefore, we use the car. Alright?"

Castiel huffed an annoyed breath.

Gabriel smiled, amused, and went on. "Besides, it's classy. All the appeal road trips have to humans and all that."

"I'm not Cassie, and I don't understand the appeal of a road trip." Castiel grimaced. "And I don't understand why you're allowed to have an apartment and a car."

"Hey, bro, they sent me to Earth. No one said I couldn't indulge in a little comfort. Besides, I helped you, didn't I? You prayed for me, I came."

"I know," Castiel's annoyance deflated. He didn't know what would have happened to him without Gabriel. All his life he had always been a warrior, but here, in a strange place, without most of his Grace, surrounded by strange things… he felt useless and helpless, like a baby. A big baby in a trench coat.

"You know what I do. I don't even want to think what would happen if the guys up there found out. You know I go to every fallen brother and sister that asks for my help. I help them adapt, I find them a place to live."

"Why do you do it?"

"Hard to explain. Not my style to be magnanimous. But…Heaven wants me here dealing with humans, I'm here and I do my job the best way I can. I just… bend the rules a little, and help the ex-angels that come my way. They're human now, aren't they? Besides, no one said I couldn't have an apartment or a car or a swimming pool or-"

"I understand," Castiel cut his speech, "But if you help our fallen brothers against Heaven's orders, isn't it disobedience?"

"It's more a question of… interpretation. As long as no one know about it, I'm good. They didn't say I couldn't do it."

"But-"

"Look, Cassie…the angels fall and Heaven simply doesn't care about what happens to them anymore. Did you have any idea of what you'd do if you hadn't prayed for me? I help them because they're my family. I just think it's wiser to do it in secret. You never know who could be watching."

"You're very difficult to understand, Gabriel."

"Shut up. I'm fabulous."

"And how do you plan to help me once we get in Lawrence?"

"I told you, I know someone in Lawrence that will help us. I know a lot of people, but only a few of them know who I am. She's one of them. I know her since she was young, and I'm sure she'll help you."

"How do you know you can trust her?"

"Believe me, I can. She has helped me before, relocating a few of our fallen brothers and sisters. And she can be a little intimidating, but I would trust Missouri with my life."

NOW

Lawrence, Kansas, August, 2013

Castiel didn't see Dean for two days. He went through the motions like an automaton, working, talking to people, eating, sleeping – well, he tried to sleep, at least – but his heart wasn't in anything he did.

Missouri also noticed that Dean hadn't been at the diner lately. She watched Castiel like a guard dog, her expression stern. Strangely, she didn't interrogate him about what had happened, perhaps feeling Castiel's sadness.

"Castiel," she said on Friday night. "Dean asked me to tell you he's waiting for you in the park."

"But I am on my shift now."

"I'll cover for you. You better go, 'cause he didn't sound like he would take no for an answer."

Castiel studied her for a few seconds. "You know what happened."

Missouri sighed. "It's very hard for a psychic not to know what's going on, with all the vibrations you guys send all the time! It's tiring, believe me."

"You talked to him." It was not a question.

She nodded slowly. "He asked me if I knew all the time what you are."

"Did you?"

"I suspected," she confirmed. "Gabriel called you 'little bro'. But you're different from the others I helped. There's still…light inside you. They were…like a blank canvas; like newborns."

"What did you tell him?"

"That it's not my story to tell."

"Thank you, Missouri."

"I'm not doing this for you. Dean is like a son to me, and I can see you really love him. So gimme your apron and go."

There was a place Dean and Castiel liked to go on most date nights, to simply watch the sky, talking for hours and hours until Dean would be too sleepy to talk anymore and Castiel would take him home. They referred to it as 'their place': behind a curtain of azaleas, on the farthest side of the park. Dean was sitting on the hood of the Impala, and this time, he wasn't looking at the sky. He had a beer in his hand and his eyes were fixed on nothing, as if he were asleep and had forgotten to close them.

Castiel approached him slowly, cautiously;afraid that Dean would change his mind and tell him to leave. "Hello, Dean."

Dean startled, blinked several times and looked at him. "Cas."

"Missouri said-"

"We need to talk."

"Alright." Castiel kept a little distance between them, not daring to approach, much less sitting beside Dean, like he had done many times before. He waited for Dean to start talking, anxious to know what was going on inside the man's mind.

But Dean fixed cold and emotionless eyes on him. "Why don't we start talking about why there is nothing about that fucking night in the papers even after four days?"

Castiel sighed. "My brother Gabriel came to help me and he… uh… he erased everyone's memories and… healed their wounds."

"Your brother Gabriel," Dean repeated.

Castiel nodded.

"As in… 'The' Gabriel?"

"The archangel, yes."

"You're really the angel of Thursday. Like Mom said that night at dinner."

"Yes. I believe I already told you that."

Dean closed his eyes. "Shit. I'm not nearly drunk enough for this."

"Dean, I-"

"Save it, Cas. First, you answer everything I want to know."

Castiel sighed. "Alright."

After an uncomfortable silence, Dean went on. "Did Missouri know about you?"

"She knew I was… different. But I didn't tell her."

"So, that brother of yours she says is a friend is…"

"Gabriel. They already knew each other. He's been taking some of my fallen brothers and sisters to her; she helps them find a place to live."

"You mean all those stray people Missouri takes to the diner, that disappear after a few weeks are ex-angels?"

"Fallen angels, yes. I believe she thought I was fallen too."

"But you're not."

"Not really, no. I was… banished from Heaven."

Dean looked at the sky. "Heaven." He took a deep breath and let the air out through his mouth. "And why you were banished?"

And here is the part where Castiel would tell him everything, not the half- truths he was giving Dean so far. Death's orders, Castiel's refusal to do it, the Ten Commandments, Crowley wanting to take Dean's soul with him; everything. Only, he couldn't. "I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"Because I have orders I can't break, or innocent people will suffer." You will suffer, he wanted to add, but didn't.

"That's bullshit," Dean said, taking a long swig of his beer. "You're so full of shit, Cas."

"Dean, let me explain…"

"Shut it. Not now."

Castiel's shoulders sagged. "What else do you want to know?"

Dean deflated. "Why did you lie to me?"

"I told you, I didn't lie. Not about my feelings for you."

Dean's face turned into a mask of anger and his face got so red that Castiel feared he was going to have a stroke. "Cut the crap, Cas!" he got up and walked to where Castiel was, stopping right in front of him. "I'm tired of being lied to, okay? Everything we… I can't believe I let myself be fooled like this."

"I never fooled you. My feelings for you are real."

"Dude, are you even allowed to like a human? To have sex?" Dean shouted at his face. "When you said it was your first time, and I thought 'hey, Dean, this one is special', like you were waiting for me, you know?"

Dean started to walk, snorting, tossing the empty bottle aside and grabbing another one from the cooler beside the car. "I can't believe it. I just can't. You're an angel of the freakin' Lord. Angels are real, and I had sex with one of them."

"Dean…"

"I mean, even if you really are an angel – and I didn't say I believe that – why would you want to be with me? Why would you… unless it was for fun, because I really can't find another reason. I've been thinking about it over and over and I just… this is crazy. This shit can't be real, man, it can't."

"You're beautiful, Dean. Your soul is…" Castiel started.

"Stop it. This is creepy as hell. You mean you look at me and see inside me? What the fuck?"

Castiel sighed. "I've never read your thoughts, if that's what you're implying."

"You know, Cas, I was happy with you, you son of a bitch. I was fucking happy. Why did it have to be a lie?"

"It's not a lie!"

"It is! It fucking is and don't you dare tell me it's not!" Dean yelled.

"But I never lied to you about this!" Castiel yelled too. "I may have lied about many things! But not that I lo-"

"You know," Dean started rambling with a shaky voice, and it was clear he had been drinking for some time. "I just wanted something for myself. Just this once, I wanted something that wasn't related to my family, that wasn't for Sam, or for Mom. Something for me. Something that was true and real." Castiel felt a pang at Dean's words. He could see how much he had, albeit unintentionally, hurt the man before him. "Then you came. All nerdy, and awkward, and so damn cute, and…and I thought you could be that something. Guess what? I was wrong. Because there is nothing true about you. Everything we did...Everything we built about us was a fucking lie. It was just you experimenting with humanity."

No, no, no, it wasn't like that! Castiel shook his head and raised his hand to touch Dean's arm.

"Don't you touch me!" Dean yelled again. "Don't you fucking touch me ever again! You fucking played with me, Cas, and I can't forgive you for that. I don't have much to give people. But I gave you everything I had. Only, everything I had was me. It's not a lot, especially for a – a being like you, who have feakin' wings and lives in Heaven. But I was… I was sincere, goddammit. And I did it all for a lie, for something that wasn't there."

"I did it all for you! Everything, for you! Because I love you and I-"

"Don't you dare say that to me, you asshole! I don't ever, ever what to see you!" Dean yelled.

"So why did you ask me to meet you here?" Castiel yelled back.

And Dean was right there, in Castiel's face, and he was so close, and Castiel had missed him so much, because he loved this man, this stubborn and imperfect and wonderful man with everything he had.

He grabbed Dean's waist with both hands and pulled, kissing him, because Dean had to understand, he had to. It was bruising and messy, lacking any finesse at all. It was desperate, and frantic, a 'please don't leave me, and please try to understand' kiss.

Dean kissed him back, giving as much as he got. But after a few seconds, he pushed Castiel away, hard.

"You get away from me. You get away, and leave me alone," he raised one finger and practically shoved it at Castiel's face. "And you never, ever, talk to me again." Dean threw the beer can away on a bush. "Fucking shit!" He cursed, stumbling to the Impala, turning the car on and disappearing into the night.

Castiel slowly sank to the ground, hot tears cascading freely down his face, feeling like his chest would end up squeezing the air out of him. It was the first time, in all his long life that he really cried. Everything was over. He would never kiss, hold or touch Dean ever again.