Christmas With The Roses Chapter 10: Talent Show, a shakespeare fanfic

Moon Lantern - Margaret Beaufort meant everything in general, ie. the fighting between the Yorkist and the Lancastrians, because she's worried about what kind of world that baby Henry Tudor will grow up to live in.

Comedy Monarchy - Woo, go Harry! And Edouard is never grateful for anything, lol!

Oh no! Poor Hermia! But we have now come to the second to last chapter, with the children's Christmas Day talent show. Who do you think should win? Tell me in your reviews!

Also, I need to do a quick bit of disclaiming. The song that Richard sings is originally from Game of Thrones, where it is called "The Dornishman's Wife" I've changed "Dornishman" to "Lancasters" because the song is the sort of rude thing that Ned would sing about the Lancasters and teach to his younger brothers. I can send a link to anyone if they're interested. Secondly, the dance routine that Hermia performs and the actions that occur during it are from the movie, Little Miss Sunshine. I LOVE the dance, and I've always wanted to have Hermia perform it.

"Dad?"

"Yes, Richard?"

"Why is it so bad that Hermia's a bastard?"

York sighed, preparing from the onslaught of questions from his youngest son.

"Because it means she can't inherit her father's lordship and lands if anything were to happen to Juliet. It would pass to his brother"

"Yes, but why is it bad?" pestered Richard "And why can't she inherit it?"

"Because...there are old political rules that say only a man's legitimate heirs can inherit their titles. You'll understand when you're older"

"So...if you died, and Ned became the Duke of York, and then he had kids but didn't get married then the next Duke of York would be Edmund?"

"Yes, that's right, Richard"

"But what would happen if Edmund died?"

"Number one, Edmund is not going to die" said York firmly "And if that happened, then George would be the next Duke of York"

"George is stupid, he'd be a rubbish duke!"

"Don't call your brother stupid, Richard, I've had enough of your squabbles this holiday!"

"So if George died, and Edmund is already dead, and Ned dies but has bastard children, would I get to be the Duke of York?"

"Yes, that's right, Richard, but that's not going to happen. Ned is going to grow up and stop sleeping around, fall in love properly with a nice girl, marry her, and have children. And they will carry on the dukedom"

"So what will happen to me, George and Edmund?" asked Richard "If he gets to be a Duke, what do we get? Will we get half of a dukedom to share? Because George always takes more than he's given, he ate all of his sweets yesterday and then he stole mine because I had loads left!"

"No, that's not how it works" dismissed York "It's difficult to explain to a little one, but as of now Edmund is already the Earl of Rutland, so he has an income already sorted out. I inherited that title as well, but I gave it to him because I didn't need it. And Ned is the Earl of March, but he'll probably want to give that to his own children when the time comes so they have lands and an income. When you and George are a bit bigger, I will think about what I want to leave you both. Either way, you'll all inherit some lands and some money so that you have an income"

"Ok" said Richard. It seemed confusing, but he was sure if he thought about it some more, he'd understand "But what about Hermia? What will she get?"

"Nothing" said York "Nothing at all"

"This way, this way!" Eleanor and Martha Woodville carried between them a large case.

"What's in there?" asked Ned, as he walked down the corridors, carrying some props for George's act.

"Makeup!" the girls beamed.

"All of it? Seriously?"

"Yes!" the girls nodded.

"Who would use that much makeup?" asked Ned.

"Our big sister Elizabeth" said Eleanor.

"She said we could borrow it for the talent show. We're doing gymnastics" said Martha.

"Oh, right" said Ned "And are you sure she said you could borrow it?"

"Where the hell is my makeup?" shrieked a voice.

"Uh oh" said Eleanor.

"We better run!" Martha and Eleanor broke into a run, and Ned rushed off as well, not wanting to be caught into the cross fire. He stepped into Richard's room as he finished buttoning up his shirt.

"You're sure you want to sing?" asked Edmund.

"Yes!" insisted Richard

"Ned, have you got my stuff?" asked George, lounging on the bed.

"It's all here" said Ned, patting the bag.

"Excellent" George leapt up and opened the bag "Yes, you found him! Where was he? I was worried I'd have to use Richard's teddy bear"

"Oi! I'll tickle you!" threatened Richard.

"He was in Clifford's room" replied Ned "Apparently, Clifford was the one to let Edouard watch the Child's Play films in the first place"

"Typical" Edmund rolled his eyes "And anyway, why the bloody hell did you go in Clifford's room? He'll kill you!"

"I want to see him try. I'll kill him first with my bare hands" retorted Ned.

The door opened, to reveal York.

"Hi, dad!" greeted Richard.

"Hello, son. Are you ready for talent show?" asked York.

"Yes!" beamed Richard.

"You're sure you want to sing?" York asked gently.

"Yes!" insisted Richard "Stop asking me if I'm sure! I want to do this!"

"Are you singing a love song to Anne?" taunted George.

"No" snapped Richard "I'm singing a song Ned taught me"

"I hope it's not rude!" York frowned.

"It doesn't have any swear words in it" replied Richard.

York looked pleased "Good. It'll be starting soon, so I'd get ready as soon as possible if I were you. Good luck, boys!"

"Thanks, dad!"

"Yeah, thanks dad!"

"She won't come out" Juliet crawled onto Lord Capulet's lap and leant her head against his shoulder "She says she's getting ready but that's all"

Lord Capulet sighed, and ran his hands through her long red hair.

"Do you love Hermia, dad?" asked Juliet.

"Of course I do. She's my daughter just as much as you are"

"Do you love us the same?"

"Exactly the same" Lord Capulet repeated.

"Even though she's naughtier than I am?"

"Even though she's naughtier than you are"

"So you won't kick her out?"

"I am not kicking anyone out" said Lord Capulet firmly "No one is leaving"

"That's good" Juliet wrapped her arms around his shoulders and hugged him tightly. Lord Capulet hugged her back, and then kissed the top of her head. They stayed hugging for a while, before Juliet pulled back.

"What will happen to Tybalt?"

"Tybalt is going to stay in his room until he apologizes to your sister" Lord Capulet scowled "I won't let him get away with this"

"So, you won't kick him out either"

"I just said, no one is being kicked out. We're a family, we stick together. No matter what relation we are to each other, that is is what we do. Even if we hate each other sometimes, that is still what we do. We are the Capulets. We're the cats! One day, when I am gone and you are Lady Capulet, you must teach that to your children, and your great-nieces and nephews"

The children clustered in a room just outside the main hall. Richard nervously looked around, but then bounced with excitement. George clutched his bag tightly, and looked around suspiciously. As long as no one guessed what was in the bag until he was onstage, it was ok.

Some of the courtier's kids all performed a dance together. It was sweet, but bland. Hermia arrived, slightly late, but ready to go. She was wearing a top hat, waist coat, tie, white shirt, and smart trousers. The Woodville sisters glanced over from where they were wearing their sparkly skin-tight leotards. Although Hermia couldn't understand what they were saying, it probably wasn't something nice, from the way that they were giggling and sniggering. As she walked into the room, everyone's glance was on her. She could hear the whispers, too.

'Lord Capulet's bastard...'

She didn't care, though. They were stupid shallow girls like Rosaline, and she had better things to do than let them get her down. It didn't matter what she was. Being part of a big, wealthy, high profile family didn't make her happy. Being herself and doing what she wanted made her happy. Hermia was going to do this dance, no matter what.

"Richard Plantagenet!" called a voice.

"That's you" said George.

"Oh, really? I hadn't noticed" retorted Richard. He got up, and started to head towards the stage.

"Dickon!" called George.

Richard whirled around "What?"

"Good luck"

Richard smiled, and bounced onto the stage. He beamed, and accepted the microphone. Margaret, Harry, and Edouard were sitting at a judge's table. Harry looked like he didn't want to be there. Margaret was flushed, and still drinking steadily from a wine glass. Edouard was sulking.

"I'd like to dedicate this song to my brother Ned" said Richard, in his sweetest voice. Some of the audience awwed. Richard smiled, and carried on "He's been having a really hard time at university lately. His roommate ate all of his pizza, and then they pranked him by sellotaping all his stuff to the ceiling. And last time he went to the club, all the girls he tried to chat up had boyfriends and he didn't get laid that night"

The audience laughed. Margaret frowned and Harry looked horrified.

"So I'm going to sing this song that he taught me!" announced Richard gleefully into the microphone. He cleared his throat, and began,

"The Lancaster's wife was as fair as the sun,

and her kisses were warmer than spring.

But the Lancaster's blade was made of black steel,

and its kiss was a terrible thing.

The Lancaster's wife would sing as she bathed,

in a voice that was sweet as a peach,

But the Lancaster's blade had a song of its own,

and a bite sharp and cold as a leech.

As he lay on the ground with the darkness around,

and the taste of his blood on his tongue,

His brothers knelt by him and prayed him a prayer,

and he smiled and he laughed and he sung,

"Brothers, oh brothers, my days here are done,

the Lancaster's taken my life,

But what does it matter, for all men must die,

and I've tasted the Lancaster's wife!"

An awkward silence filled the room.

"Richard!" scolded Cecily.

"What's the matter?" asked Richard into the microphone "Am I really that bad a singer?"

"No!" Cecily ran up onstage and started to tug him off "That song was rude!"

"No, it was not! I didn't swear or anything! What have I done? Last time I sung it in that pub for Hastings and all those government people that think dad should be the king instead of Harry they liked it!" protested Richard into the microphone.

"Put the microphone down and get off stage!"

Eventually, Richard was escorted offstage. Queen Margaret had begun to scowl. Ned simply snorted. York elbowed him.

"That was not funny, setting your brother up like that!"

"He sang it himself!" protested Ned.

Edmund giggled "That song was nothing compared to what the Montague boys are going to do!"

No one told Tybalt what to do. He was not going to stay shut in his room all evening. He opened the door, and snuck down the hallways to the great hall. There was one room, full of kids getting ready to perform. In the distance, he could hear someone singing something about a Lancaster's wife in English.

They weren't very good.

Tybalt peered into room, and saw Hermia sitting by herself. Usually, she would have been with Mercutio and those stupid Montague kids, but they were getting ready to go onstage.

He didn't like the way they were all looking at her. He could hear some whispers. Most of it was in English, so he couldn't understand it, but he could hear the malice in their voices.

It was not ok.

Hermia was his cousin. He could call her names and tease her, but no one else could. They were family, they could squabble with each other. But it was not ok to let other people do that.

Tybalt left, sneaking into the hall. He located the rest of his family, and started to make his way towards them. He had something he wanted to say.

"Ok, boys, ready?" asked Mercutio.

"Yes, Mercutio" winced Benvolio.

"Yep!" grinned Romeo.

"Then let's begin!" Mercutio beamed. He switched on the music player. 'Vogue' by Madonna began to play. Romeo sashayed onstage, and danced down to the edge. The audience laughed and cheered. He was wearing Queen Margaret's dress, with her heels, one of her hats, lipstick, jewellery and handbag! Benvolio entered next, wearing Margaret's silky nightie and dressing gown, and furry slippers. The audience laughed again, as Margaret seethed.

"How dare those brats steal my clothes!" she hissed. The Yorkists were all in stitches. Mercutio finally paraded onstage, wearing Margaret's red lacy knickers and matching bra (thankfully over his normal clothes) along with heels, jewellery, handbag, and her makeup. His lips were bright red, his cheeks rouged bright pink and his eyelids bright blue. He sashayed to the front of the stage and danced in time to the music. The audience laughed even more, as Mercutio turned around and shook his ass at the audience. Margaret's knickers fell down around his ankles, but the audience laughed even more.

"I didn't know you had a pair of...undergarments like that" said Harry faintly.

Margaret blushed red.

"But I bet Somerset does!" whispered Ned to Edmund, who sniggered.

"All right, that's enough!" Margaret shouted into a microphone "You've exceeded your time, for our next act, we have Eleanor and Marth-"

"Hey! What about my turn?" yelled George, running up onstage.

Margaret glared at him.

"Yeah, it's my turn" said George. He grabbed the microphone "You missed me out"

"Bitch!" shouted a voice from the audience that sounded suspiciously like York's. The audience laughed.

"Fine" snapped Margaret "Get on with it"

George dragged a stool onstage, and then put the bag on his lap. He sat down and grinned.

"My talent is being a ventriloquist" he announced "I'm going to introduce you all to a very special friend of mine"

The audience waited. George stuffed a hand in the bag and pulled out Chucky.

Edouard screamed "Get him offstage! I hate Chucky!"

"Shut up Edouard of Lancaster" rasped George in Chucky's voice "I don't care whether you're a prince or not, all I see is my next murder victim!"

Ned roared with laughter. Edouard whimpered, and backed away, burrowing under Margaret's arm.

"Stop this now! How dare you say such a wicked thing!" Margaret snarled into the microphone.

"I didn't say it" George blinked his blue eyes innocently "Chucky said it!"

"I know perfectly well it was you"

"Yes, it was me" rasped George in Chucky's voice "I can't wait to kill you!"

The audience all laughed.

"Get off the stage, George" commanded Margaret.

"I haven't done anything wrong! And I haven't even shown my talent – well, not properly" said George.

"And I'm thirsty!" he then rasped in Chucky's voice "For blood!"

"You can't have blood, you're not a vampire!" scolded George "You may have a drink of water"

"I don't want a drink of water" Chucky rasped.

"Yes, you do" George reached back into the bag and pulled out a bottle of water. He turned back to the audience, and rasped in Chucky's voice "I am now going to belch the alphabet whilst drinking this water"

"Um, George? I think you're the one who's supposed to drink the water" sighed Harry into the microphone.

"But I'm not thirsty, he is" stated George. He tipped the bottle of water in Chucky's mouth, and then started to belch "A...B...C...D..."

Margaret wanted to scream.

Tybalt scrambled over to Lord Capulet.

"I thought I told you to stay in your room" said Regina crossly, as soon as she saw him.

"Not now, I need to talk to Uncle Egues!" insisted Tybalt, barging past.

"What is it?" Lord Capulet frowned.

"I don't want Hermia to dance!" Tybalt exploded, as the Woodvilles pranced onstage in their pretty outfits, wearing Elizabeth's makeup "Look! Look at those pretty Woodville girls. They're blonde and bouncy and cute, and everyone loves them. Hermia is ginger and short and skinny and her outfit is weird. They're all going to laugh at her. The whole court is going to laugh at her. This isn't Verona anymore, and it's not ok for her to flaunt her...bastardy"

"Listen here!" snapped Lord Capulet, seizing Tybalt's shoulder "The only reason everyone knows what she is, is because of you"

Tybalt glanced down "I know. Sorry"

"It's a bit late in the day for that now" Lord Capulet shook his head "And it's not me you should apologize to, it's Hermia. She's the one who's all upset and confused. There I things I haven't told her for a reason, and a very good reason at that"

"I said I'm sorry!" Tybalt yelled "Just...I don't want them to laugh at her! Don't let her do this!"

"It's too late" snapped Lord Capulet "She'll be on any minute now"

"We can still stop it. There's enough time. We can all get on a plane and go back to Italy and get away from these...from these people!" Tybalt jabbed a finger at Queen Margaret, King Harry, Prince Edouard and the rest of their court.

Lord Capulet shook his head "Hermia is a Capulet, whether you like it or not, and she can do what she wants. If she wants to do this, it's up to her"

"You're her dad, you're supposed to protect her! We're all supposed to protect each other!" protested Tybalt "It's not ok to let others laugh at us!"

"Hermia needs to learn her own lessons in life. She's determined to do this, and I'm proud of her for her spirit. She has worked so hard on this dance, and we can't just...take it away from her. And if those girls and the rest of the court do laugh, then they will have to face us, as a united force. As a family. We are the Capulets. Right?"

"Right" sighed Tybalt.

"And last, but certainly not least, please welcome to the stage...Hermia Capulet!"

Hermia strode onto the stage. Smaller than all of the other children, to Tybalt, she looked quite vulnerable. There were some whispers. There were some giggles. Edouard in particular laughed the loudest. Tybalt scowled. But, Hermia confidently clasped the microphone.

"Vorrei dedicare questo a Edward di York, che mi ha mostrato queste mosse"

"What did she say about Ned?" whispered Cecily to York. He shrugged.

All the Italians, however, had a sudden look of horror upon their faces. They knew exactly what she had said.

Hermia put down the microphone, and turned her back to the audience. The rest of the hall waited with batted breaths for the music to begin.

"She's a very kinky girl!" the music began "The kind you don't take home to mother!"

Hermia crossed her arms and ran her hands up and down the sides of her arms, and then started to sway her hips from side to side.

"She will never let your spirits down, once you get her off the street! Ow girl!"

She uncrossed her arms, and in time to the music, she lightly slapped the sides of her butt as she swayed her hips.

In the audience, Lord Capulet raised his eyebrows. There were a few titters. Ned beamed delightedly as his little protégé began to dance.

"She likes the boys in the band. She says that I'm her all-time favourite!"

Hermia strode forwards confidently, and pulled off the top hat. She flung it into the audience and it hit Richard and George. Both boys yelled with laughter delightedly, and started wrestling over the hat. But no one had much time to gap at that as Hermia reached the edge of the stage.

"When I make my move to her room, it's the right time. She's never hard to please, oh no!"

She reached down and ripped off her trousers to reveal a pair of shiny gold metallic shorts. King Harry's mouth dropped open. Queen Margaret looked over at Ned, horrified.

"That girl is pretty wild now, the girl's a super freak! The kind of girl you read about, in new-wave magazines!"

Hermia whirled the trousers around her head, before flinging them in the direction of the Montagues. They all gasped. Mercutio laughed.

"Wooo! Go Hermia!"

"That girl is pretty kinky, the girl's a super freak! I really love to taste her, every time we meet!"

"You suck!" heckled Edouard.

"All right, that's enough, I'm sick of him!" snarled Tybalt, standing up to go and punch Edouard.

"She's all right! She's all right! That girl's all right! With me!"

"No, no, just ignore him. Concentrate on Hermia, she needs us right now" muttered Regina. Tybalt stayed seated. Lord Capulet, however, stood up, smiled encouragingly at his daughter, and started to clap his hands in time to the music. Hermia put her hands behind her head, pumping her arms in time to the music. Slowly, the rest of his family stood up and clapped as well.

When she stopped doing that, she strode even closer to the end of the stage, and reached for her tie.

"She's a super freak, super freak! She's super-freaky!"

"No...no...no!" groaned Tybalt, as Hermia pulled off her tie, and bit it between her teeth. She ripped open her waistcoat and shirt to reveal a sparkly red vest top. This time, she flung her shirt at the Nevilles. Anne and Isabel giggled and clapped as Warwick scowled and shook his head.

Hermia grabbed her tie, turned with her back to the audience once again. She started to rub the tie under her buttocks in time to the music. King Harry gawped, utterly horrified!

"Everybody sing, super freak, super freak!"

Hermia threw her tie into the audience. This time, it landed in Queen Margaret's face! Margaret shrieked with disgust and flung it across the room. Horrified, Jacquetta Woodville led her family out of the room, with her eldest daughter Elizabeth wrinkling her nose in disgust and shielding her son's eyes. Hermia, however, paid them no heed, and then flung out her arms and whirled around in a circle. Her short red hair flailed out behind her. She smiled and giggled, getting dizzy.

"She's a very special girl, the kind of girl you want to know! From her head down to her toenails, down to her feet!"

Evidently, Margaret had had enough, and she barged up to Lord Capulet, grabbing Gabriel on the way.

"Ask him what the bloody hell his daughter is doing!" demanded Margaret.

"No!" snapped Gabriel.

"I beg your pardon?" Margaret frowned.

"No, you great nasty French bitch!" screamed Gabriel. He ran out of the room triumphantly.

"And she'll wait for me at backstage with her girlfriends, in a limousine!"

"Hermia's kicking ass!" replied Mercutio, in English "That's what she is doing!"

Hermia stomped her feet and waved her arms in the air, evidently enjoying herself!

"Three's not a crowd to her, she says. Room 714, I'll be waiting! When I get there she's got incense, wine and candles. It's such a freaky scene!"

Margaret gaped, and stormed over to Somerset.

"Get over here! Get over here!" she snapped "I want that girl off that stage right now!"

"That girl is pretty kinky, the girl's a super freak! The kind of girl you read about, in new-wave magazines!"

Somerset tried to approach Hermia as she ran around "Little girl? Honey? Stop it now, stop honey!"

"That girl is pretty wild now, the girl's a super freak! I really love to taste her, every time we meet!"

"They're going to touch her!" Lord Capulet suddenly realised. He jumped out from around his seat, running on the stage and charging at Somerset "HEY! LET GO OF MY DAUGHTER!"

"OW! OW OW OWWWW!" screamed Somerset in a high-pitched voice as Lord Capulet collided with him. Lord Capulet hit him several times and they tussled on stage. Hermia stopped dancing and clasped her hands over her mouth.

"GET OFF ME!"

"She's all right! She's all right! That girl's all right! With me! Yeah!"

Lady Capulet gaped, horrified, in the audience. She and the rest of her family leapt upright, unsure of what to do.

"Take charge! Take charge!" demanded Margaret to Clifford, who tackled Lord Capulet off of Somerset.

"Keep dancing, Hermy, daddy's ok!" Lord Capulet called, trying to force off the Lancastrian lords. Hermia turned to the audience, and put her hands behind her head again, pumping in time to the rhythm. Clifford and Somerset managed to subdue Lord Capulet, and Margaret turned to address him.

"She's a super freak, super freak! She's super-freaky!"

"Get your daughter off that stage, right now!" Margaret shrieked "Now!"

Lord Capulet wandered back onstage, up behind Hermia "Hermia?"

He looked at Queen Margaret. He looked at Hermia, dancing her heart out with her hands above her head. He looked at Edouard, who was watching disgustedly. He looked at his wife in the audience, her hands clasped together in front of her mouth in horror. He looked at King Harry, who looked like he was about to have a stroke.

This had been a truly shitty Christmas, and Lord Capulet wanted to...show them, he supposed. To show them all that they were Capulets, bastards, heirs, cousins, lord and ladies and all. And that no one messed with them.

He started to nod his head in time to the music, grinned, and started to copy some of Hermia's dance moves!