Chapter 9: What is Home?

Leah's POV

"Leah."

I opened my eyes at the sound of my name. Inhaling an excessive amount of oxygen that I thought my lungs were going to have trouble handling, and finding it actually very easy to breathe. I peered up at the ceiling of STAR Labs to see the bright, white lights shining down on me as if to welcome me home. The atmosphere seemed different here, though.

As I looked around, I noticed the fog that lightly covered the tiled floor beneath me and the light that shined through the window across the room was white, not gold like the sun. And when I looked down at my abdomen, it was no longer threatened with the blade sticking out of it, and I wasn't in a hospital gown like I expected. I was no longer in my regular clothes either; I was dressed in a pure white t-shirt and dark jeans. I sat up and looked to my right and almost jumped at my reflection. My face was clean on makeup and my hair was no longer up in a bun, but down at my shoulders. I reached up and ran my fingers through it after I realized it was back to brown instead of blonde.

"I think you look better as a brunette." A voice knowingly stated, and I sighed in relief. I turned my head to see Ronnie sitting on the couch to my left. He grinned when our eyes met. "That's just my opinion, though."

"What are you doing here?" I asked, my voice coming out a lot lighter and smoother than usual.

He shook his head, "Oh no, the question is: what are you doing here?"

I raised my eyebrows in question as I continued to look around. "I'm…" I stopped when I noticed the door that leads out of the room. It was a gold door and the windows were fogged up so we couldn't see what was on the other side. "I'm not in STAR Labs, am I?"

"Nope." He simply replied, shaking his head.

"Am I…?"

"No. Not yet."

I didn't bother asking what he meant by "not yet." I reached up and placed my hand over my stomach where the blade once was. "Where is it?" I asked.

"Not here. There's no pain here."

"And you're sure I'm not dead?" I asked once more, just to make sure.

He chuckled and I could've sworn I stopped breathing for a second. I had missed that sound so much. "I assure you that you're not dead."

"But… You are…."

"I know." He sighed, standing up and walking over to stand at the edge of the gurney. "But I'm here now."

I couldn't manage the tears that normally would've fell at these words. Instead, I climbed off the gurney and straight into his arms where I gave him a much-needed hug. He smelled like the laundry detergent our mother used to wash our clothes and he was the warmest thing I've felt in months. I sighed, not wanting it to end.

But I knew this wasn't normal. "What am I doing here, Ronnie?"

He let go of me and turned in a circle, looking around the room as if he just realized where we were. "I don't know. Why are you here? Go home."

"Home?" I paused, thinking about my lonely apartment. I didn't want to go back there.

"Have you forgotten where home is?" He asked before heading over to the gold door. "Want to remember?"

I wasn't a hundred percent sure what he was talking about, but I really wanted to find out. I urgently nodded my head as I walked over to stand beside him.

"What is it?" I asked him, looking over every inch of the gold door.

He shrugged, "Your memories. Come on." He opened the door and walked in, disappearing in pitch darkness.

"Ronnie?!" I jumped forward after him without thinking and squealed when the door shut behind me.

One.

I feared I'd be in the middle of complete darkness, but as soon as the door closed, the whole room lit up with light. I was no longer in the medical room in STAR Labs, but now I stood in a familiar home, with hard wood floors and white walls. Many pictures hung on the walls and there was an odd trail of mud coming from the front door.

I followed the trail straight to my mother's kitchen where there were two youngsters sitting on the tile floor and playing with bowls and plates full of mud, grass, and leaves. I smiled as the boy and girl traded mud pies several times and pretended to taste each other's creation.

"Ronald and Leah Raymond!" I flinched out of habit when I heard my mother cry out. She stood at the other entry way, right across from me as she looked down at mine and Ronnie's child versions. "What are you two doing?!"

"Mom, we made you dinner!" the younger Leah explained happily, holding out the pie. I couldn't have been older than three, maybe four years old with my two front teeth missing.

My mother sighed, dropping her shoulders in defeat as she stepped over to us. Little Ronnie's eyes went wide until our mother sat down to join us on the floor.

"If I try this, promise to keep your dinner outside from now on?" She asked the two of us in a soft voice, her blue eyes shining with admiration, despite the mess we made.

"Yep!" Little Leah giggled.

"Promise." Little Ronnie nodded as he handed her his mud pie.

It wasn't long before my father entered to witness the mess. His hair was already turning gray; probably from the stress of having a family, working full time, and somehow managing to give both an equal amount of time. Growing up, I admired him for it.

"What in the world…?" He breathed out, mouth dropping open wide as he stared down at our muddy hands.

My mother shrugged, "Just this once."

Two.

I blinked and found myself standing in my very first apartment.

My father and Ronnie helped each other carry in heavy boxes while my mother and I decided where the furniture went. We laughed as the boys struggled to bring in the large couch my grandparents had given me as a house warming gift. And after all the unpacking was done, we sat and had some brownies and milk by the large window, overlooking the city.

Ronnie reminded me that if I ever needed any help, he lived just a block away. My mother gave me a kiss goodbye, and my father patted my head and ruffled my hair. He was never the physically affectionate kind, but I understood what he meant.

And not long after they left, my doorbell rang. I answered it to find a tall, brunette standing at my front door. He gave me a dazzling grin and a polite wave.

"Hi, neighbor! I'm Drew."

Drew and I started dating not long before the particle accelerator was made. I knew how Ronnie felt about him, but I didn't care. He had the love of his life and I was busy trying to figure out who mine was.

Three.

I turned around and found the room had shifted to look slightly different. I loved to rearrange the rooms in my home, never really approving how anything looked after a few weeks.

This time, the couch was right by that big window where Caitlin and I were sitting and sipping tea.

She spent her time staring out the window for a while and I waited patiently, knowing she had something on her mind.

"I have something to tell you." She started with a nervous inhale of breath.

"You're pregnant?" I suggested, not giving her the chance to say anything.

"No."

"Why not? I want nieces and nephews."

She laughed, "Because you forgot a step." Caitlin then held out her left hand and the diamond glittered in the sunlight shining through the window.

I couldn't hold back my grin as I stated, "We're going to be sisters!"

I watched my younger self and Caitlin squeal, share a few hugs, and admire the ring on her left finger. I smiled and felt something ache in deep in my chest; although I slightly remembered Ronnie saying there was no pain for me here.

"What about you and Drew?" Caitlin asked.

My face fell and I looked away from her. Back then, I wouldn't admit that he didn't spend much time with me. He spent a lot of time with his friends, drinking at bars and watching sports games. The only time he ever came over was when he was drunk and wanted me for the night. Sadly, I always allowed it, too.

But I never told her that.

Four.

I knew what the next memory was as soon as I saw my younger self, standing on the other side of the cortex in my pencil skirt and a blouse I had borrowed from Caitlin. I really wanted to look nice that day because Dr. Wells asked me to oversee the new guy.

Cisco was wearing his "Hans Shot First" t-shirt and a pair of khakis when he walked in. His hair was pulled back to try and look nice; I don't think I've ever told him I prefer his hair down, it looks nicer that way. At least, I think so.

And I watched the two of them react as my younger self greeted him with an awkward hand shake and an abnormally large smile, and then defended him from the snarky Hartley.

And the rest is history.

As if they were all blurred into one, I watched my days at Star Labs grow.

"Are you saying STAR Labs is my home?" I asked out loud.

"What do you think?" Ronnie asked, appearing next to me.

"I think you're not stating a place…" I admitted. "I think you're trying to say home isn't a place, it's a person." I watched images of me hugging Caitlin, laughing with Barry, cuddling Cisco, and I smiled. "These people are my home."

Working at STAR Labs; taking care of my speedy friend, being close to my favorite red-head, being held in Cisco's arms; all of it was a part of home. My home wasn't the wooden floors of my apartment, it wasn't the bare walls or the white windows. My home was the people I loved.

My home was the reason why I was still laying on the gurney back in STAR Labs.