A/N: Yay for Chapter 10! Oh jeez, that was hard core typing. I'm glad I got it posted, though. Now I can finally concentrate on Chapter 11 and not have to worry about feeling crunched with time. So, I leave you all to this. Have fun!
Pppppssssssttttt! Leave a review! It makes Elena happy. And me. :) See ya in Chapter 11! Loves for all!
Chapter X: What's Remembered Once Forgotten
I have to get a grip on myself. I have to push every fear that I've ever had aside and deal with my reality. It's not going to go away. I have to face it, whether I like it or not. My mom isn't around anymore and it is my fault. If I haven't been such a screw up, always standing in Lilie's shadow, things would be different. If I had put my family before my work and answered the phone that one time, she probably would still be alive. I'm disgusted with myself. Not only haven't I left the cafeteria, I'm hiding in a dark corner and crying like the world ended yesterday. Lilie was right when she said I have no emotional restraint. I am such a cry baby!
The sky has long since darkened outside, so has the room since it shut down for the day. I've remained in this spot for too long having mommy issues and an emotional breakdown. I should just suck it up. That is what Lilie would have done. To be fair, I have sucked it up. For three years I haven't let out the emotional torment that has been happening in my mind upon receiving the word of my mom's death. That has been a real gut-puncher. Especially since I left home with her telling me I was going to get myself killed. At the same time, I kinda did deserve what she threw at me. I was a brat with a knack at picking fights, housing activists, and being an all out rebel. Though, I'm nothing like Lilie. I never was. I could never be like her even though my parents wanted so badly for me to be.
I pull my knees up to my chest and brush away the tears. Crying isn't going to get me anywhere when I still owe a debt to my mom. My sister is missing, my mom is dead, I work for the company responsible for so many things that are wrong with the world, and then there is Rufus. The one person I can't keep out of my head for less than a day, and he is the center of it all. He's a better person, I try convincing myself. All of that has happened makes me understand now, more than before, why people hate us so much. Along with that, I now understand the delicate position Rufus is in. I understand why he would never be able to make a formal apology to the world-it would have no effect. I suppose what he is doing now is his way of saying sorry. We all are-us who work at Shin-Ra. Well, those who have returned, anyway. The only thing he can do is change the way Shin-Ra is run and try to improve what we have left. I envy him for his courage.
I uncurl myself, finally making up my mind to visit my mom's grave. If Rufus is brave enough to face a world that hates him, I should be brave enough to visit that place. It was never fair to her that I was too busy with work to talk on the phone. My feet bring me instinctively to Reeve's office. Before I'm fully aware of what I am doing, my hand is balled into a fist and knocking on the metal door. When it slides open, my breath catches and my mind goes blank. What was I going to ask again? I can't remember! Crap! I've been staring at nothing for too long. Eyes to the floor! Eyes to the floor! My eyes fall to my shoes.
"Did you need something, Elena?"
Why is my brain broken, now?
"Um..." Think, Elena! Think! Then it comes back to me. I glance up to meet dark brown eyes filled with concern.
"I want to visit my mother's grave... in Mideel."
XxXxX
The rhythmic beat of the chopper's propellor at this late hour doesn't bother me as much as the ride. My stomach has dropped again, like it tends to do when I'm anxious. In a way I can't believe that Reeve humored my request for such a late night trip to an island secluded from society. In another, I can. Reeve pities me. In any psychiatrist's handbook, I should be the epitome of lunacy. How I have managed to keep a straight head, I don't know, but I'm feeling my walls crumbling. Was I mistaken in doing this? Probably. Either way, I have no choice. There's no way I can turn back now.
I fight with my hair being tossed around from the slowing propellor. I nod to Reeve, telling him that I should be back in less that an hour, then make a bee-line far from it as quickly as possible. The grass muffles my steps with soft crunches, as I stray off the beaten path in the direction of the graveyard. If it isn't fot the moon filtering light through large leaved trees, I would be meandering this jungle completely blind. That is even worse than I want to think about. Too much. I have to stop thinking about so many things and just concentrate on what to say. That doesn't save me from tripping a good three times. I reach a rusty, ivy covered, fence surrounding what is a very unkept grave site. Most of the stones are covered in moss. Only a few have been spared the green decoration of ivy and the like, most likely because they're rather new. My mom's is among them. My breath catches in my throat. I wasn't thinking that I would find it this quickly. Half of me hoped I wouldn't find it at all, and turn back without doing anything. I push aside wild grasses when I open the gate to weave through the stones in search for hers. I'm actually glad that she was buried here, and not in Midgar. She always complained about the poor air quality.
I sink to my knees when I find the right one. "In memory of Jen Parson" the stone says on its inky surface. No subtext. I guess no one had anything special to say. I still don't know what I should say. As if she can hear me, the thought passes through my mind, a cruel smirk tugging at the edge of my lip. Again I'm guilty of not thinking it all the way through. But if I had, would I be here right now? I doubt it.
"I'm sorry for not coming sooner... I guess I can't lie and say that I was busy. Not to you. Not now..." Why is this so hard? My fingers latch on a few long blades of grass and start working them into a braid. It gives me something to do, so I don't feel as much of a fool.
"I've... been avoiding it. You did say that I am a pro at avoiding things." The words keep coming, even though I don't know what to talk about. I remind myself not to tell Rufus about this visit. I have definitely gotten myself into a mess. I have been avoiding this for much too long.
"I have gotten myself into quite a mess, and you would slap me for it. I know you would kill me if you knew some of the other things I have done. Getting myself tied up in something with a man like Rufus Shin-Ra would be one of them." There's a crack of thunder overhead, despite there being no sign of rain tonight. I could be wrong. I often am. I shudder at the sound.
"I know! I shouldn't have! I'm sorry! But you would find it a battle to resist him, too if you worked with him every day saw a side to him no one else has. Please, mom. Try to be supportive?" Another rumble of thunder greets me with more menace than the last. Maybe there is a storm coming.
"Okay! I get it! You're not happy. I knew this wouldn't go over well. I just... I don't know what to do. He turns everything I thought I knew upside down. Once I think I have him figured out, he changes. It never stops. And he leads me on these emotional roller coaster rides to Crazy! I want to throttle him sometimes for pushing me over the deep end. Then when I feel like I'm drowning, he pulls me to the surface, just to push me in again! I don't know if I can handle it. I mean... he holds my hand sometimes; wraps my hand in the crook of his arm when we go somewhere. But he's never let anyone touch him before." I rub my hands down my face. Might as well tell her the rest.
"It isn't my fault. Rufus keeps giving me mixed messages, and for most of the time, I have been fighting myself to stay away. I shouldn't feel anything because he is my boss! I know where to draw the line! It's just... he blurs that line and bends every company policy to near breaking point. He's making it harder and harder to resist. Every time I see him and know that he is okay-if I could put into words what I feel-I would! I can't seem to understand it. I have been telling myself that there is no way I can have him. That he wouldn't want someone like me anyway. I can't fall in love with him because-for a number of reasons. He's my boss' boss. He would never look in my direction. I'm everything opposite of the world he lives in with upper-class personnel. It would be breaking every rule ever made, and it's not like I can be open about this!"
I take a breather, picking a few more blades of grass and braiding them, too. My knees are sore, so I change positions to lie down. Pretty soon I'll have enough of these to make a basket at the rate I'm going. I shiver from a slight chill of cold grass sinking through my tee shirt.
"I can't tell my coworkers because office romances have no place there. Not that I'm worried about Reno and Rude ratting me out, but someone might overhear, like my boss. Word travels fast in the company. That's another thing! What do I do about Tseng? When I first started, I was infatuated with him. But over the years, he's become more of a kindred spirit and someone I can confide in." I cover my eyes with my arms against white moonlight overhead, and heave a sigh. "What do I do?... I'm scared, mom."
Silence is my answer. I feel as if something is waiting for me to speak more. To fill that awkward stillness.
"I don't know if Rufus is being sincere, or toying with me, like he has with numerous other women I have seen in the office. It is expected of him. If he is, and I fall for it, then I'm the fool. Still, I have the hope that maybe he isn't. Is it stupid of me to try and grasp at such a hope?" This is stupid. I shouldn't be talking so much about Rufus and my work. If anyone were to hear me they would think I'm crazy. I already have enough crazy to deal with in finding Rufus. Rufus.My phone is still in the backseat of my car. Though, I doubt he has given it a call. Always cautious. I almost giggle at how careful he in comparison to Reno. Even so, both of them have managed to live this long, if not by some act of luck. I might consider myself lucky to be here, and not suffering my mom's wrath in the Lifestream.
I tell her what has happened with Midgar. The torture Tseng and I endured, the recuperation, Jenova, the crazed SOLDIER General with mommy issues returning from the dead. Ghosts from long past digging out of the ground for revenge, or whatever. Maybe it was something else? I didn't get the full details. It had something to do with Midgar's unexplored lower levels and disappearances of people who ventured in, and secrets. Lots of secrets. With Mako Reactor Zero thrown into the mix, something else was wanting to destroy the planet. A lot has happened in the last three years. I tell her everything except for my current assignment from Tseng. I feel like I should keep that to myself, until I have more of a grasp on my life. Perhaps that day will never come. I'm not sure. For the moment, it feels like the right thing to do.
I sit up with an uneasiness sitting in the pit of my stomach. Perhaps I have overstayed my welcome. The surrounding forest is watching me. A thousand invisible eyes. There's not a word that escapes the ears of the forest. A shudder overcomes me thing about what could be beyond the trees. For a moment my body shuts down and freezes. Someone is watching me. They have been since I came. I should leave. I force the lump in my throat before gathering my courage to stand.
"I know you're there. What do you want," I ask out into the trees, using the bravest voice I can muster. I hate being in a forest at night alone when things get like this.
Nothing.
I turn my back, not being able to shake off that something, or someone is watching me. Every instinct I have as a Turk is screaming at me to hunt it down and find out what. I fight that with an inner reasoning that my best choice is to head back to the helicopter, and Reeve. Not hunting phantoms in the middle of the night.
I lie the braided blades of grass upon the black stone, heading back in the direction I came. It makes me feel important knowing that I have an escort waiting for me. Now I know where Rufus gets his highs. I also feel exposed for having been overheard of my deepest feelings and regrets. Someone was there. There isn't any shaking that feeling off. It hits me. I recognise that presence. I shake my head. Always looming over me, superior in every way, every day of my childhood. It can't be possible... A small voice in the back of my mind whispers: Missing. Not dead.
XxXxX
Whatever Reeve said on the way back to the WRO has been blocked out by my thoughts and the unsavory taste left in my mouth. If that was her, it means she's watching me. If not, then I'm even more crazy than I thought. I shake my head. Thinking about her amongst other things is only going to drive me mad. If anything, I shouldn't add it to my already long list of things to do. I probably shouldn't linger with Reeve for much longer. By being at the WRO, I'm placing him at risk of getting into the middle of my problems. It definitely would do better to move on with my search. Reeve has helped me more than I deserve at this point.
"Elena." I glance to where he is sitting across from me. His expression tells me that I have missed something important. Oops.
"Are you alright? You seem... a bit distracted."
That's the understatement of the year.I mutter an apology in an undertone. My mind shouldn't be wandering, but it is. And at a time like this. With so many things going on my head, it's almost ridiculous to ask me to sort through them all. Tseng would. He would tell me to get my shit straight and pay attention to what is going on around me, like the not-rookie I am. I almost miss his scolding me.
"I have a lot on my mind," I manage after a minute. Almost too much. I still haven't reached any conclusions. This makes me even more miserable than getting vague answers from Rufus. Why can't I get him off my mind? This is going to drive me insane. I thought visiting my mom would help. The only thing it did was allow me to vent. Not that the venting didn't help, it did. I still haven't resolved anything about Rufus. Maybe I'm over thinking this again. Yep. There is no doubt. I heave a sigh at how annoying this is all becoming. Gods! Now I'm thinking like Rufus! He's had more of an influence on me than I would like. Wait. I can use this to my advantage. I look up at Reeve again. He's not paying attention to me, but that's alright. He does not have to know what I am thinking of doing. Rufus is alive! The voice in the back of my mind practically screams at me to get a move on. I don't have to go looking for him because that would draw attention. I am so stupid!
Of course Rufus would not be where I was hoping! He's still waiting. Waiting for the right time to make his best strategic move to his benefit. Shit! And here I am, making myself as bright as a flare to anyone looking! I am an idiot. I drop my head in my hands. How could I be so stupid?! Oh gods, I must have delayed his next move by a few days. Rufus will not be happy. He isn't a very patient man on the inside. Anyone could see it if they knew to look.
There is no way I can stay at the WRO any longer. If I'm holding Rufus up by acting the fool, then there isn't much guarantee that he will forgive me. I could beat myself up for this. Rufus could fire me! I bite my bottom lip in anticipation. I have to get going.
As soon as the helicopter lands, I'm out in a downpour that soaks through my shirt like a bucket of water. It doesn't matter. I yell a "bye" at Reeve, running to the roof door. He calls after me, but I am already out of earshot. Not to mention the rain makes trying to carry a voice pretty shitty. I don't have time for formal goodbyes. I have to fix my mistake by remaining where no one can find me, or recognise me. Rufus will come. I say it to myself like a mantra. I have to trust that he will and try my damnest not to panic if he doesn't show himself as soon as I would like. Though, I would hate being left to wait for months, or even years! Let's not think about that. I have to believe that little voice. And that little voice is telling me to go back to Junon, remain in wait, and maybe he will come.
I race down the many flights of stairs on pure adrenalin. I almost cannot believe the amount of energy I have to run like this. Then again, I have a very good motive. My feet carry me out through the lobby, the many security doors I passed through, and out to the gate where my car sits. To my luck of which is being open so I don't have to risk crashing into it. That would be bad. I waste no time climbing in, and searching for my phone in the back seat. When I turn it on from sleep mode it shows that no calls have been missed. Of course he wouldn't call, damnit! He wouldn't risk it! I roll my eyes. I know better. Tseng has always said that my impatience would work against me. I toss my phone into the passenger seat, crawling back up to take the driver's side. The engine let's out a low growl despite the humidity and rain in the air. I feel like I've had an extra dose of caffeine. My thoughts are going too fast for me to catch up. The only thing I know for certain is that I should be in Junon. That, and Rufus will be back.