Chapter 10: Recovery

I was confused and the mixture of feelings I felt was overwhelming. After all that time that I'd stayed motionless without a real feeling pulsing through my veins I got used to be numb. Every new feeling was astonishing for me. It was like I was learning to feel again.

And now it was coming to me one after another and I was shocked. First, Bella had been in danger, second, I hadn't had any chance to save her except of talking to her and third, she'd heard everything. Maybe there was a fourth point too, but I was too bewildered to realize it. I was so thankful that she was right now in her bed and that nothing was threatening her that I couldn't understand the doubt in my chest. I had a strange feeling, something unexplainable and the first to notice was Jasper.

"What's bothering you?" he asked me. There were so many questions in my head, so many impossibilities that still had happened. And I wanted to find the answers for every of them, but in that precise moment I wanted to be alone. To feel my elation as I'd felt my pain.

"I need a moment alone," I said as I moved with slow steps toward the exit. In a second I caught every movement in the room. Emmett looked at me disappointed, not knowing why I'd requested a moment alone.

"I hoped he was going to feel better after this, but I guess I was wrong again. I miss you, bro. Don't go away again." He pleaded. I knew he'd missed me. Now I realized that I'd missed him too, that I missed everyone.

Rosalie, Tanya and her family looked at me with more confusion than anyone else and Esme stood frozen on a chair. She too thought that I was going to leave. Just now did I realize how much I've hurt them. It hadn't been the best choice to leave their side, but I knew that it was the best choice I'd had. If I'd stayed with them I would have made them miserable like I'd been, especially Jasper. He could feel everything I felt. He was the only one that knew how I'd really felt.

Alice, just smiled at me, as she had a new vision. With me this time. I was going to run to that frozen lake I'd been earlier with Sonya and when the sun will be up I was going to return to the house. I knew that she probably was right. I truly had no intentions of leaving. Not now when I felt a thrill in my chest for the first time in a long time. Carlisle and Jasper nodded in the same time and I was off, but not fast enough to block out their voices or their thoughts. My hearing was too good and I wasn't far enough not to hear them.

I could see through Jasper's mind, Esme rising on her feet and approaching Carlisle with a heart-breaking expression and at the same time Rosalie sitting on Emmett's lap like she wanted to comfort him. He looked like a defeated man. Not at all his type.

"Why didn't you stop him?" Esme sobbed as Carlisle was stroking her arms and he wanted to answer her, but Jasper cut in.

"Have a little faith in him," he replied. "He's coming back if that's what it's worrying you. He just needs a moment alone as he said. He feels fine. Actually, I don't remember him to feel so happy since then."

In an instant Emmett lifted with Rose in her arms and his relieved laughter rang out to me, then I shook my head and I kept running, a pleasant run, not that desperate run that I'd been running lately.

I sat on the same rock and I let my thoughts drift in circles around me.

I'd left Forks more than four months ago and in the instant when I turned my back to her my entire existence became meaningless and my being hollow. I'd left everything I had in me with her and I was damned to never find it again, to never come back to her.

The pain had consumed me every second that I run away from her. It had burned and tortured me to insanity, but by a miracle I'd survived all the anguish that had blazed in me. It was hard to remember, not that I had something to remember. Everything I could recall was the feeling of suffocation I'd had for months. It was in my mind like a scar, a painful, unforgettable scar.

I'd even parted with my family for a time and I couldn't make myself be repentant about that. They'd suffered in my absence, but they would have suffered even more in my presence so with that I was sure I'd taken the right decision. Everything, that had surrounded me, had been full of pain and everyone suffered because of me. I was like a plague that withered everything that touched, but now that intense feeling of guilt decreased in its weight. In fact, the only feelings that I'd been able to feel lately were agonizing pain and overwhelming guilt.

Now everything had changed like a heavy cloak had been lifted off my shoulders. I could breathe the air without bursting out. I could notice life around me. I could exist among people.

I was still suffering, but the pain had decreased considerably in its force since I saw her fascinating face. She'd touched my soul again and stolen my pain away. The image of her face, the sound of her voice was deep inside me. I was repeating again and again her voice in my head and it was so healing, so delightful to hear it after all this time.

My Bella, my only love…I knew she was safe, but I didn't know if she was happy like I'd intended for her to be. As much as I wanted to think otherwise she hadn't looked happy in Alice's vision. She'd looked unconcerned of her own safety, like she didn't have anything to lose and to my desperation she looked sad. I didn't know why and I couldn't allow myself to think that it was because of me. Maybe she had already moved over me. This hurt and it was something irreplaceable. I knew it will always hurt me, but in the same time I had to keep my promise.

My mind was fixed on her face and as the seconds passed I wanted more to be near her, to have her in my arms. The pain was almost gone and quickly desire took its place. I wanted her so much. I would have traded everything to be with her. If only it would have been a chance for me to be human…but it wasn't and I had to keep my distance.

The feelings in my soul were twirling at an infuriating velocity. I almost couldn't catch them. I was sort of happy, but not entirely happy because I didn't have her and I never will. I felt better because I'd seen her and I knew for sure she was protected. I wanted to believe that I didn't have any reason to worry, but why did I have that feeling in my chest that was aching and telling me that something was still wrong. I didn't have any real motive to worry, but I couldn't convince myself that everything was fine. Something in me denied that and I had to check to make sure. I wanted so bad to run to Forks…just to see, just to check.

The confusion squeezed my soul. I couldn't differentiate if what I was feeling was desire to see her or necessity to ensure myself that there weren't any dangers threatening her. Even when I'd fallen into unconsciousness I felt like I had to save her and I saw her face pleading for me to come.

I was at a loss, not knowing what to do. If I went to Forks I was going to want more and it was a slim possibility that I will be able to keep from appearing on her front door begging her to take me back. I was on the point of darting into a run, but somehow I remained glued to that rock. It was icy cold like me.

I stayed there motionless, just thinking and breathing in and out. I had so many questions without an answer. What was she thinking? How could she hear what Sonya has sent and why couldn't I read her mind? After all Sonya's gift was working almost like mine. It manipulated the mind. Once, this would have intrigued me to an absolute obsession, but now I was more than grateful. If it hadn't worked I wouldn't have been able to make her stop from doing a stupidity. I wanted to understand so much about what had happened in the last few hours, but I didn't have any clue and solitude had been my companion for months. Who would have thought that I'll become sickened by it?

I rose to my feet, stretching, even if I needn't have done it. I wanted to speak with Carlisle, to Alice, to Sonya…to everyone. I'd missed so many things that now I had to catch up. As I run back to the house I knew I had to act differently. Of course I couldn't fool everyone. Jasper will always know how I feel, but at least I had to try to feel better. For them, for my family. They had done everything possible to help me and I had to do the same to assure them I was better. Even the craving to have Bella was burning inside me I could function and this was a start. A new beginning.

Alice made me see that not everything was lost. I couldn't ever have Bella again, but that didn't mean that I couldn't protect her. It was my only solace. My only reason to go on.

I hadn't time to finish my thoughts that I was already in Tanya's living room, which was freshly decorated to Alice's taste. It looked welcoming and Tanya wasn't bothered at all so I didn't feel guilty anymore that we occupied her house like it would be ours. Everyone was grouped there and I felt home. Sonya was the first to lift her eyes to see me, but Alice was the first to speak with her chiming voice. She was skimming through a magazine absentminded and looking like she was bored, but actually she was happy due to my change of mood.

"So…do you like my latest artistic work?"

"As long as Tanya won't cast us out I think it's fine." They all smiled a little and Jasper from across the room grinned at me as he scrutinized me in detail.

"That doesn't answer my question," she replied still looking bored. It was unbelievable how fast Alice could change her mood. Not that I couldn't, but I was more constant in my feelings. She could be ecstatic and depressed in the same second, but she has always been there for me when I needed her. And as she'd promised she'd made everything in her power to make me smile again. I wasn't whole and without Bella I could never be, but I wasn't destroyed like I'd been either. I was functional. And everything was thanks to Alice. I didn't know if I will ever be able to recompense her for her unselfish support, but I knew that I had an eternity to thank her. Jasper smiled kindly as he sensed my gratitude.

"Everything is more than beautiful, Alice. He should see the rest of the house as well." Esme was the kind of person, whose life had been destroyed, but she kept going and the cruel fate that took away everything from her hadn't succeeded in making her a heartless being. But the opposite. She was the most loving and kindest being on earth and she'd never turned her back on me, even if sometimes I deserved that. She has always loved us like we were her children, and she has been our mother like we were truly hers. I owed her so much.

I embraced her with all the love I had for her. It was like we met again, like we began to know each other again. Little by little I could feel like a part of them again and maybe someday I could erase that empty spot I caused. I let her guide me toward the sofa and I sat beside her keeping my arm over her shoulders and throwing my other arm over Alice's.

"Well, Esme it's right," I agreed and instantaneously Alice beamed with satisfaction, not looking bored anymore. She'd always enjoyed others' appreciations. "But I have to say," I began, but she cut me off, already knowing what I wanted to say.

"Yeah I know it's new for me the Egyptian style, but I had to try it. I think if I'll redecorate another house I'll do better than this…"she trailed off, thinking about a trip to Egypt to buy some furniture and maybe some clothes too.

"Yeah, especially if it will be a house in Antarctica. It will be a perfect match with the climate and everything," I joked and Emmett's laughter sounded in my ear.

"That's my bro," he shouted, smacking my shoulder.

"Of course that was the idea. To be something different, special. Who else has a house in Alaska decorated by me and with Egyptian design? No one, obviously. You're the most eccentric person around here, Tanya."

"Oh, yeah. I think I am," she responded with a smile as she admired her new house.

"And I want a new table here…dark brown I think will be perfect and this model is so beautiful. You like this Tanya?"

Without my notice I was in the middle of a normal discussion and atmosphere. The atmosphere of a family. I realized what they were doing. Again. They were trying to provide me with a common ambient and in particular they were trying to make the events of last night look like a dream. Something that has never happened. Just that it had and I was still feeling mysteriously worried. Jasper sat on the cushion in front of the sofa still examining every twist of my features and Alice along with Esme, Tanya and her sisters were thinking about new possibilities for adding more Egyptian style to their house.

"I feel kind of worried right now, but I don't really know why and I have an inexplicable urge to save Alice from something which I don't know either. What's wrong, Edward?" he asked as he studied my face in case I was going to lie to him, but I wasn't going to do that.

"I'm still not sure if everything it's in right order," I whispered. Everyone present in the room had heard me, but no one turned to me, just Carlisle drew nearer to us. I was thankful for their attitude once more. "I think I should check on her to see if everything it's fine," I continued, but the uncertainty was imprinted on my face. I was at the point when I didn't know exactly if I wanted to run to her or just linger in the wings to protect her.

"Son, you want to make sure she's fine or you want to come back?" that was the question that had whirled in my head for hours and now when it had been said out loud by someone else made me realize how much I wanted to see Bella. And for that I couldn't return to Forks because I was sure I won't be able to stop from craving more.

"I don't know," I muttered. "I feel inside me that something it's wrong, but I can't explain it properly. And I feel that I have to return, but I don't know if I will be capable of keeping my promise if I step on those grounds again." They looked at me trying to understand my incoherent thoughts. It was hard even for me to do that.

Alice turned and looked toward us without speaking. At least not orally.

"Why are you still worried? If anything had happened I would have seen it. If anything will happen I'll see, I'm sure. I checked on her after you left to the lake and she was still at home. I don't think anything threatens her. Take into account that you may overreact this time."

I shook firmly my head. I knew I wasn't overreacting, but in the same time I didn't have any real reason to be worried. It was just a feeling inside me that pounded with desperate force and was screaming for me to come back.

I kept my eyes on Alice's face, avoiding Jasper and Carlisle. Maybe after all I was going insane. Maybe these were the effects of seeing Bella again and knowing that I can't have her.

"Maybe someone should come back and check if that's what it takes for you to be sure about her safety," she verbalized and in that instant I frowned unintentionally. I knew I couldn't refrain from seeing her, but could they do it? I wasn't so sure about that either. Alice was already full of enthusiasm.

"When I made that promise I said I won't interfere in her life again. And when I said 'I' I meant every one of us."

"That doesn't mean we will interfere. I think for us will be easier to leave Forks without letting her know we had been there." She tried to look detached as she talked, but she was making plans and of course it wasn't going to be easy for them either.

"It would be so easy that you doubt you'll leave Forks again without saying to her goodbye." She winced as she remembered and I closed my eyes to block out the memory. It was clearer with every second passing that I needed to verify that she was in safe hands.

"Edward, what makes you think she's still in danger?" Carlisle asked in a thoughtful voice.

"I feel it. When I fell into that strange unconsciousness the only thing I knew was that I have to save Bella and now the feeling remained in me. It's like a signal, but I don't know if it's accurate."

He looked at me, thinking, and no one disrupted the silence. As I read their thoughts I saw that they understood me and didn't consider me an insane person.

"So if this is such a big problem I'll make the trip to Forks," Rosalie mouthed and every pair of eyes turned to her. She didn't look surprised to see the shock on our faces. On my face. I was stunned. Had I really heard well? Had she offered to do me a favor? I didn't have the right to be so harsh on her, but she'd never liked Bella much and she hadn't understood my feelings either. And now she wanted to help me. "I think I'm the only person here of whom you can be sure won't approach Bella if it isn't necessary. I can go there and do my job without any nostalgic attacks." She was right and I had to believe her.

"And I'll come with you," Emmett interjected. "We can be back by sunset, not that it's much of a sun here, but anyway. Bro, we can do this and you can keep your promise." At that point I wasn't sure about anything and Alice's sudden disappointment didn't help me at all. I knew she wanted to be the one returning to Forks, but she had to be honest with herself as I'd been with me. Neither of us could return there and keep the distance. I looked around me and then was the first time that I realized Sonya wasn't in the room. I sensed the agreement of everyone that Rosalie and Emmett should go and I knew that was the best decision I could make. They were the perfect option, but still I craved to go back myself.

"And we'll call you as soon as we'll make sure she's all right," Rosalie continued. I couldn't understand her sudden wish to help me, but I had no other option, so of course I was going to accept the offer.

"Give her some credit," Jasper encouraged as he tried to hold Alice still. She was annoyed that she couldn't go back to Forks herself and I understood her well. I pinched the bridge of my nose with my fingers as I closed my eyes. She was there behind my lids, smiling as always. I was so weak and my will was fading. I almost gave in to the temptation, but I couldn't afford such errors in my self-imposed restraint.

"Fine. Be it." I approved. In my peripheral view I could see Esme smiling as she hadn't done it for too long.

"Take my car," Carlisle proposed, but automatically I went up against that.

"No," I almost shouted. "It has to be inconspicuous."

"It's just a Mercedes. I don't think it will stand out," he murmured, looking at me with profound attention to decipher my thoughts.

"Yeah. A Mercedes which Bella knows its every piece." He looked at me for one second more and then he understood. I was right this time. None of our cars could be used for a trip to Forks. "If Tanya would be so kind as to burrow us a car," he began, but Tanya consented immediately.

"Of course." I looked her in the eyes to see if everything was all right and she nodded. "It's not a problem, Edward."

"Thank you," I whispered.

"That being said I will go upstairs to pack some things," Rosalie stated indifferently.

"To pack?" Emmet asked puzzled.

"Yeah to pack," she repeated ironically. I didn't know what she wanted to pack either, but her thoughts made it clear. "You think you'll leave me with my clothes in one piece?" she thought. God, why should I hear their thoughts? Sometimes it was horrendously embarrassing. I chuckled, not helping myself and it was enough for Emmett to realize that I knew something.

"What is it, bro?" my smile grew larger as I saw the perplexity on his face and at once Rosalie turned her head to me.

"If you say something," she threatened, but didn't continue out loud. "I'll make an exposé of you at the international club of naked puppies for unsatisfied women."

"No, thank you," I declined respectfully. "I rather be dressed."

'Urgh," she snorted as she ascended the stairs.

"I promise I won't tell you've told me, but what does she want to pack?" Emmett inquired eagerly and I could hear from upstairs Rosalie's snarl. It was something natural for Emmett to be curious and it was even more natural for me to not satisfy his curiosity.

"Yeah, like she couldn't hear me anyway," I replied sardonically.

"You can write it on paper," he thought as he handed me over a notebook. It was a good idea, but I had to admit that I didn't have the guts to get on Rosalie's nerves. Not now. Besides…I didn't want to spoil her surprise.

"I think you better wait to find for yourself," I told him and obviously Rosalie heard me. Living in a house full of vampires meant no privacy. At all.

"What a wise judgment you have," she mumbled in her room.

"What's taking you so long?" Emmett complained after a few seconds, but she cut him short with a nice "Shut up."

She appeared at the foot of the stairs as fast as she'd disappeared even if Emmett's anxiety made it look different. She wore blue jeans and a matching sweater and in her hand she held a large purse. It was funny to see how she was playing with Emmett's nerves. I would have enjoyed it more if I could have erased that feeling that was troubling my heart.

I went nearer to her and from the corner of my eye I saw Tanya handing over the keys to Emmett. I knew that I had no chance to ask Rosalie why she was doing this, without being heard by the others, but I needed to now. Except the obvious reason for her to go away for some time I wondered if she had others too.

"Thank you," I began and she nodded. She seemed to be very perceptive because I didn't need to verbalize the question. She was already answering it in her head.

"I know you wonder why I'm doing this and I know that I don't deserve your trust, but I don't plan to do anything wrong or anything that you would disapprove of. I just want to make up for my mistake. I'm very remorseful for what I've told you before. I know I shouldn't have and I'm sorry. So if this is a way to mend that, I'll do it. And don't tell me I don't have to do it because I have to. I won't come close to her. She won't even know we've been there. We'll just check and then we'll call you. I promise."

Naturally, our silent conversation didn't pass unnoticed, but no one asked anything. Emmett grabbed Rosalie by her waist and clanked the keys in her face.

"If it's not much trouble we could go."

"Don't' do anything thoughtless," Carlisle cautioned.

"We'll be two sweet angels," Emmett assured him as they were heading to the door. "Believe me. Everything will be fine. I promise," he told me in his mind.

I walked them to Tanya's car and when I felt like I had enough I mumbled a hurried "Thank you" and I turned my back on them. I didn't need a car to go to Forks that was for sure and I had to convince myself again that I wasn't allowed to go there.

As the car became a blur in the distance, Rosalie's thoughts returned to their usual form. I could still hear her.

"I'm sorry that I've judged you so insensitively back then, but if I'm doing this don't you think that I agree with your decision. I don't. I still think that you've done the greatest stupidest mistake ever and that we all should come back home. And I don't think you've gained anything by this. I'm sure she isn't any better than you are, but it's your decision and your life, after all, so I'll try to respect that."

I entered the house with her words ringing in my ears and then I caught sight of Alice standing alone in the living room. Even if I had been a vampire for so long, it never ceased to surprise me how fast things happened in our lives. In a second all our family was gathered under the same roof and in the other everyone was gone. I could tell by the scents that were still powerful that I was alone in the house with Alice and Sonya. I'd wanted to speak with her, but now nothing was more important than Alice. She really looked devastated.

The glass door was left opened and she was staring through it absentminded, with her hands in her lap and her legs crossed. I could imagine nothing more painful to watch in that moment than Alice. Her resigned face and tearless eyes were more heartrending than any other human who could cry, especially because she usually was a cheerful person. I couldn't stand to see her like that. Immediately I felt the need to comfort her.

"Where's everyone," I asked as I sat on the sofa beside her, though I knew it wasn't the best tactic to begin the conversation.

"Gone," she said and it sounded like they all had died, not that they were just away from the house. Maybe hunting I guessed. It was strange to guess when I was able to read minds, but in the course of time Alice learned how to block me out. She'd kept her still posture when she continued. "They went hunting and I made Jasper leave too. He didn't want to leave me, but I couldn't have him here feeling the same as I do and constantly trying to change my mood."

I pulled her to my chest and for a second we stood in silence as I stroked her icy arms. I knew that if I was going to delay it for much longer she will become even more irritated with me, so I thought that it was best to get to the point. But I didn't know how to phrase it so as to not hurt her more.

"I'm sorry, Alice. You know I am. But I couldn't let you go back there," I muttered and it sounded frighteningly outspoken. Her head snapped up to face me and her eyes were piercing deep into mine.

"Why not? What could I have done wrong? You wanted to make sure she's all right, so why wasn't I good enough to check on her? I wouldn't have appeared on her front door to announce her that I've been in the area to see if things were in their right order," she cried desperately.

"You're sure?" I inquired skeptically. "Ask yourself how much it would have taken not to appear on her front door. Do you think you would have been able to go to Forks without wanting to approach Bella? I don't think so. Sending you there it would have been almost like going back myself. Neither of us can handle this."

She continued to look in my eyes, but her stare soften. It wasn't cold anymore. A kind realization filled her expression. She couldn't deny that I was right. As much as it hurt, I was right.

"I wanted so much to see her again," she sobbed in my chest. I gritted my teeth to hold back the pain as I answered.

"I know. I want that too."

She was supposed to fight with me, to ask me why I didn't go back, to throw everything at me, but it wasn't her nature to do that. She lay in my arms breathing silently as we both thought about Bella in our own way. It hurt me and it hurt her, but we didn't mention the subject again. We stood there unmoving, watching the sun set and waiting for the phone to ring, but it didn't.

"We should talk to Sonya," she finally said, remembering me that I'd wanted to speak with her too. Unhurriedly, she pulled herself out of my grasp and stretched her legs, avoiding my eyes. "I'll go and get her," she whispered, but she didn't need. Like a shadow, Sonya appeared in the room.

"I'm here," she said as she sat on the chair in front of us. "I think I have some explaining to do. Right?" I wanted to find out more about what had happened, but her mode of expression was not the right one. She wasn't here like a convict who deserved a punishment. She was here like a gift from the gods and I was immensely thankful.

"No," I replied and I wanted to find the best way to clarify to her that she had no obligation and she was free to do whatever she liked. "Actually, I was wondering if you could give us some details about what happened."

"As I said, she has heard everything I sent her. Even that guy received a message." I frowned, not remembering exactly what I've uttered in those moments and she read my confusion. "'She doesn't want to stay, you stupid useless being…'", she reminded me, smiling as she imitated my voice. Repeating in my head the memories from last night I remembered how angry I'd been and Sonya reproduced that anger pretty well. "Actually, you've been angrier than that," she tried to joke and I managed to give her a faint smile.

"But how is this possible," Alice meditated. It was the same question that was spinning in my head, the one I couldn't find an answer for.

"I don't know," Sonya responded. "You've said her mind was different and that Edward couldn't read her thoughts, and I have to admit that I felt her mind different from the others I've manipulated. At first it was like a shield was protecting her thoughts and hindering my attempts to send Edward's message, but then I could penetrate it. Though I succeeded to access her mind it was harder than ever before. It felt like I was squeezed from all sides, like that shield of hers was trying to push me away. And when I reproduced Edward's voice, the muscles of the shield relaxed instantaneously like she wanted to hear his voice. Even if it had become easier to make the connection between you too, I couldn't lose focus. For a first time I think it went pretty well."

I tried to process the information. So it hadn't been so easy to send the message, but by a miracle it had been possible in the end. Now that everything was over I could sit and analyze the facts. Bella's mind wasn't a closed book after all. It was closed just for me. Maybe the problem had been all the time my gift and not her mind. Maybe I was the one that hadn't had a developed enough gift to read her mind. I let my thoughts wander for a moment, but then I came back to the present. Why did it matter if I could hear her thoughts or not? I would never be close enough to her to try again.

"You gripped my arm," I remembered. "You've told me that you need just to focus on what I tell you so you can send her the message."

"Yeah, I have to focus on what you tell me, but I thought that it will be better if I have a close contact with you, considering it wasn't exactly sure if the message will be delivered. And in that way I've been able to send with the message your emotions too. I mean, beside the words, she has felt your anger and anxiety too."

I looked at her stunned. What I was listening to, seemed even beyond vampire nature, but it was real. I felt happy again and again a thorn stung into my chest warning me that something wasn't how it should be.

"Thank you," I uttered with all my heart. "You have no idea how much you've helped me and how thankful I feel for that."

"I know," she answered simply and her tone contradicted what I'd said. Maybe she understood me better than I thought.

I was lost in her eyes, trying to decipher the mysteries of our existences when the phone rang. Sharply and persistently. I flipped it open without looking who was calling. My eyes were fixed upon Alice's face. It was unprecedented to be with Alice in the same house and not know that the phone was going to ring.

"It's Emmett," she thought too late.

"Hello?" I said, anxiously waiting for him to speak.

"Edward, we're in Forks. There have been complications."