CHAPTER 10

Later that night, after they had dinner and Tommy had long gone to bed, Horatio disappeared into his study, sat down and leant back in his leather swivel desk chair thinking. He had something on his mind that was really worrying him.

Fifteen minutes later after a shower, and not finding Horatio in the lounge where she had left him Aileen went to the study searching for him, and was upset to see him with his arms on his desk and his head buried in them, but as she was about to step in and speak to him, he got up and spun his chair round hard in frustration. Aileen assumed he had been thinking about the young boy who had been beaten, and today was the first time she was seeing just how much his job could affect him on a bad day. She wanted to go in and comfort him, but the way he had spun the chair suggested now was not the right time, so she just started to move away when he saw her. Seeing her look of concern he knew she had seen his bad tempered display, the second one today, and he berated himself. But what she didn't know was that he was frustrated because he had to tell her something that might scare her away and he so did not want that to happen.

Moving across to her he gave her a soft smile and told her he would join her in the lounge shortly.

So she went and sat down in an armchair and waited for him.

When he arrived a few minutes later he sat on the sofa looking at her with such a wistful look in his eyes that Aileen started to get worried. Was he about to tell her he didn't want her to stay she wondered. She would be devastated if he did.

He didn't say anything for a minute just taking in her beauty; she looked so desirable tonight as she always did, and he was so darned scared about losing her, but he had something to tell her. He had wanted to tell her, but had been putting it off. After today's events however he knew he couldn't any longer.

Horatio stood up and pulled another armchair in front of Aileen, and sitting down he took her hands in his and began, "I love you so much and I don't want to lose you, but I need you to know more about me and my background. I want to be absolutely honest with you so that you know who you will be getting involved with if you decide to stay. And you may not want Tommy to be part of my life when you have heard what I have to say either. So far, up until today, you have only seen what I hope is a good side of me. You should however know that I have a bad temper at times, although this doesn't arise from drink. It comes from heartfelt anger arising from situations such as what you saw today, for instance."

Aileen relaxed and gave him a glimmer of a smile – It was not what she had been dreading to hear.

Seeing her smile Horatio continued, "I am serious Aileen. I can assure you however this would never be inflicted on the people I love, but if anyone hurts someone I love that is a different story. I can lash out in anger then and did once so bad when I was a young man that I killed my own father. One day, thirty years ago now, I totally lost it. I had left home by then but made sure I visited my mother as often as I could, and on one of those visits I caught my father abusing my mother with real venom and I intervened. We got into a fight and I hit him so hard he ended up dead. He cracked his head on the hard floor when he went down after my final punch to his jaw. But it turned out to be too late to save my mother. Luckily for me the courts ruled it was self defense and done in an attempt to save my mother's life, so the case was closed and I didn't get a criminal record and was allowed to continue my career. But Aileen, I know different. If he hadn't fallen I would have killed him that day anyway. I so wanted the bastard dead. He had a bad habit of abusing my mother and my brother Raymond who was ten years younger than me, and me as well when he could get away with it when I was younger. It wasn't quite as easy for him as I got taller and stronger, and I warned him many times that I would end up killing him one day."

"My mother died in my arms that day, and her last words to me were, "Horatio, don't let hate for your father fester and ruin your life. He was once a good man, until the drink became habitual. I hugged her and crying I whispered to her that she asked too much of me. I have continued to hate him ever since, and will always hate him, and every time I see an abused kid my anger just spills over."

"Why is that women, just keep on taking punishment of that sort and allow their kids to get hurt as well? I just don't understand it. It happens far too often."

Not waiting for her to answer, he continued, "Having told you this Aileen, and whatever you eventually decide, I need to ask you to keep it to yourself. I have never ever told another person of what I did other than confess this to Cardinal Benedetti all those years ago, and have been paying a penance ever since I told him, that is until my recent visit to New York, when he visited me on my last morning there and finally gave me absolution; so I came home a happier man apart from the fact I left you in anguish."

Stroking her face..."I'm so sorry, I put you through that sweetheart."

"Sometimes I suspected that Jerry knew though, although he never let on."

"That incident made me decide I wanted to use my police career more than ever to put the world to rights when it came to clearing the streets of all the scum bags out there. But, of course not one of us can do that on our own."

"Horatio can I just ask you one delicate question?"

Looking at her warily he nodded his head.

"Is that long scar and the smaller ones on your back as a result of beatings by your father?"

"Yes, and the long one I gained is because he liked to lash you with the buckle end of his belt and the day that happened, the prong in the buckle got embedded in my skin, and he pulled it down the length of my back ripping the skin all the way and fucking laughed. But Aileen apart from you no one has seen that scar or the others, and that is the way I want it. This is why I never remove my vest or t-shirt in front of anyone else."

Aileen wanted to cry, but held back her tears, and replied, "Don't worry Horatio, I completely understand and will always abide by your wishes."

Then Horatio continued, "You also need to know my job can be dangerous, we never know what we will have to deal with on any one day, and sometimes I come home unhappy because of what I see out there. The two things I hate most are abusers of kids and wives, like we saw today, and instances where we have had to take a young lad in for a serious crime he committed, thereby fucking his life up and which clearly happened only because of continual abuse by a parent. That breaks my heart for obvious reasons. That quote, "Sins of the Fathers" from the bible often comes to mind."

Aileen, lifted her right hand and caressed his face lovingly, "Nothing you have said changes my mind about you Horatio. If anything it only enforces the fact that I know I fell in love with a fabulous kind and caring man, and one I know I want to be with, to love and to be loved by that man. I want to be here and hopefully to help soothe your bad days away when you have them Horatio, if you will let me?"

Horatio looked at her with misty eyes. She seemed to be taking this so well. Dare he hope she was saying she wanted to stay... went through his mind.

Then he got a shock when Aileen said, "Horatio, I understand your feelings much more than you could have perhaps anticipated. I agree in honesty before we move forward though, and you should therefore know that as a child I was also abused. My father who was a cop incidentally, abused me sexually twice when I was thirteen, telling me not to tell my mother."

Hearing Horatio gasp she put a finger to his mouth to stop him saying anything.

"But my mother, my wonderful mother guessed, and believed what I told her, and she kicked him out. Because he was a policeman she didn't take it any further, she felt it would be brushed under the carpet as was so often the case back then. But he got his comeuppance a couple of years later when he died in a car crash, luckily no one else was hurt, and I swear I was glad he was dead Horatio."

"The day he died I skipped for joy."

"So you see Horatio, we have both shared hate for our fathers."

Horatio leant forward and pulled her into his arms almost crushing her in his need to reach out to her. He couldn't bear the thought that she had been raped by her own father.

"Christ Aileen; How can any father do that to his daughter?" he said through clenched teeth.

Then sitting back from her and caressing her face gently, "I think we were truly meant to meet don't you? I told Marisol at her graveside that we were like two kindred spirits coming together and do you know I am sure she knew."

"Horatio as far as your job is concerned. I understand the dangers, my father was a cop after all, and being close to John, Sharon and Michael made me more than aware of the hazards out there."

"How did you come to know them in the first place sweetheart?"

"Well, my mother worked alongside Sharon at the NYPD victims unit for several years, but while my mother was good at counselling other people, including me, it turned out she had been holding on to a lot of anguish herself about the whole problem, and one day after dealing with a similar situation she broke down at work and told Sharon everything. I was 23 at the time and engaged to Jack by then. Anyway, Sharon called me in and explained what had happened, and asked me if I was okay myself, and asked me if I needed to talk with anyone even though the abuse had happened several years earlier. I convinced her I was fine, and I really was by then. Hatred for my father had got me through the worst days. Anyway, Sharon was marvellous with my mother and she soon returned to normal, but unhappily for me she died shortly after with a heart attack."

"Somehow Sharon and I struck up a real genuine friendship, and I love her friendship; and Jack and I chose her to be Tommy's godmother."

"Then when she went to work for Michael and met up again with John, he welcomed me as a friend as well, as did Michael. They all know what happened to me Horatio, Sharon told them in case I was fragile around them being former police officers. But, Sharon is extra sensitive sometimes, and they are wonderful guys."

"Going back to where we were before you asked your question Horatio, I also had to live with the knowledge that Jack was in danger every day he was in Afghanistan. He lost his life in only his first tour; he had been there no more than six months. I think I am pretty strong most of the time. I do of course have my moments as with that little boy today."

"So, Horatio, I am not about to run away from you ever," Aileen said placing her arms around his neck.

"So dare I hope that you are saying you want to stay here, and live with me?"

"Horatio, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I don't need the whole month to make up my mind."

"What about Tommy?"

"Tommy loves you Horatio. He'll be fine."

"Tommy is very adaptable. He was barely six when Jack died and while he remembers his daddy well enough, he didn't really have him around too much in the last six months before his death...and young kids generally move on quicker than adults providing they have loving people around them. To tell you the truth Horatio, taking account of your time in New York with him and the time you have given Tommy here, you have probably spent more time with him than Jack ever had the chance to in those last few months."

Horatio stood up and pulling Aileen up with him, he wrapped his arms around her almost crushing her again as he said, "You are an amazing woman, and you have just made me one very happy man. I was so scared of losing you."

Then pulling her into his arms again he started singing in her ear, "I love you baby, you're too good to be true." In that moment, all the heartache of the day lifted and he thought Aileen Casey was going to be so good for him.

Aileen smiling happily responded, "I love you too baby."

Looking deep into her eyes Horatio muttered, "We will have a lot of things to discuss tomorrow."

Then placing an arm along Aileen's shoulders continued, "Come on sweetheart, let's get to bed," steering her to the bedroom, "I just want to wrap you safely in my arms tonight." And he meant it, tonight was a night he just wanted to lay peacefully alongside the woman he now considered to be the love of his life; he had never loved this deeply before. He couldn't put right the sin committed by her father but he hoped that in feeling his arms around her she would feel protected. He would always want to protect her from harm, always.

TBC