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Embrace the Silence

Chapter 10
When the Past Weighs Too Much

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Whump-whump-whump-whump.

"Must they make it like night time in here?"

"Yes, Sesshoumaru," Kagome's voice jiggled from all the jolting, "it's supposed to look like outer space."

Whump-whump-whump-whump...

"But why?" Sesshoumaru hedged.

"Because this is called Space - "

Whump-whump-CLINK! ZOOM!

" - Mountain, AAAAH!"

Suddenly the world swirled. Kagome shut her eyes tight as the car turned sharply right and tipped over for a rough sideways loop. Her butt rose a hair off the seat.

Sesshoumaru shouted over the noise of the ride, "What is the meaning of this!"

Kagome shrieked back, laughing, "Just shut up and enjoy it! Put your hands in the air!"

The car looped left. Kagome's shoulder rammed into Sesshoumaru's arm. Her hair blew up in her face.

"You are insane, woman!"

She only laughed at him. "Scared?"

His bangs blew back off his forehead. "I don't scare easily."

"Hahaha, here comes the big turn!" Kagome threw her arms up and screamed her head off. G-forces shoved her down into the seat, making her feel like she was being thrown forward. Exhilaration bubbled into adrenaline. "WHOAAAA!"

A flash shocked the darkness and then it was over. The cart abruptly halted, captured again by clamps and drawn around the corner where it started. There was a click and the lap-bars swung upright. People behind them laughed, chattered and scrambled for the corridor leading out.

Sesshoumaru's hair, which was in a ponytail, looked like he just drove forty miles an hour with his head out a car window. He gave Kagome the dirtiest look when he climbed from the cart and walked to the exit. Kagome laughed and ran after him.

Doctor B said nothing strenuous, but his pulse isn't up and he looks fine. He's just miffed that I -

"You tricked me."

She mock-scowled, "I did not, you wanted to get on this thing! Now c'mon, let's go see our picture."

"Picture?" an eyebrow twitched.

Grabbing the demon's hand, Kagome pushed past the crowd and moved around the corner. Projection screens showed images of different carts full of people in various stages of amusement or distress. Theirs wasn't hard to spot - Sesshoumaru's white head stood out like a light bulb amidst candles.

Kagome had both arms in the air, her mouth open in a scream. Sesshoumaru's eyes were shut, his bangs were blowing straight up and he had the lap bar in a death grip.

"You had your eyes closed the whole time! Chicken!"

He sneered at her, "I did not. How dare you accuse me of such a thing. My eyes were closed because the flash blinded me."

"Mr. Denial. Admit it, you were petrified."

"We will ride it again," Sesshoumaru stated. He almost turned around to go in the exit, but Kagome caught his sweatshirt sleeve and led him back to the proper line.

"You have to go this way."

His face lost all expression. "This Sesshoumaru does not wait for entertainment."

"You do if you live in the modern era. Unless of course you want a fast pass, but we'll have to come back when it tells us." She looked ahead at the wait time above the entrance. "Otherwise we'll be stuck here for an hour."

"An hour for a ride that passes in a flash?" Sesshoumaru tried to put order into his mussed ponytail. Then he took out his map of the park and examined it closely. "Foolishness. I would rather go elsewhere." And he pushed his way rudely out of the line.

Embarrassed, Kagome apologized and gingerly climbed over people to catch up with the demon. If Sesshoumaru was this bad at Tokyo Disneyland, she couldn't imagine how crazy it would have been if she brought Inuyasha. Especially since sitting him in public would warrant too much attention. She choked off the bitter thought, only to have another one break free. This trip wasn't just because Sesshoumaru was curious about the place. She also brought him here to make him some good memories in case he didn't survive his surgery.

So far they'd been on quite a few rides. Sesshoumaru claimed he hated the smell inside Small World, but his eyes took in everything. Maybe he secretly thought it was something Rin would have liked. Shippou certainly would've asked to ride again if he came along.

But Sesshoumaru wasn't heading back to Small World. He stood in the most in the way spot possible to check his map again, then took off. Kagome jogged after him.

"Hey! Hold on! Where do you think you're going?"

"The next mountain attraction."

"Splash Mountain?"

"Yes." Sesshoumaru said. His aura began to rise and a cloud formed around his feet.

Gasping, Kagome grabbed his arm and pulled him down before he levitated more than a foot off the ground. "You can't fly here! People will see you!"

"It is crowded."

"Yes, Captain Obvious, it's Disneyland. It's supposed to be crowded."

Sesshoumaru shot her one of his icy looks. He turned away and walked, a silver-headed, too-tall form moving amidst a sea of dark haired people of all ages. Though some foundation covered his markings and his hair was pulled in a ponytail that hid his ears, he still didn't look quite human next to the sea of real humans surrounding him.

Kagome crumpled her map, "Wait up!"

Forty minutes later, Kagome found herself wedged between Sesshoumaru's legs on the log flume. She blushed when she recalled the last time they touched each other in such a way. Yet even that memory was tainted with a bad outcome. She shoved it aside and leaned back, silently enjoying the solid feel of Sesshoumaru's jeans-clad legs framing her own. His chest rose and fell gently behind her back.

"This ride is oddly designed." he said.

"It wouldn't move as well if they built it any wider." She patted his leg, "Just relax. This one's nice."

"I - oof!" Whatever Sesshoumaru was going to say got cut off when the log surged into motion.

The flume scraped the sides and plopped noisily into the corridor. Music, animatronic anthromorphic animals and the smell of chlorine waited just beyond.

Sesshoumaru almost got up the first time a drop splashed them. Kagome leaned back to prevent his escape. His poor jeans were soaked from the knee down! She had to point out others got wet too just to prove it wasn't a conspiracy to humiliate him. He grudgingly relaxed.

And then they rounded a corner with little Brer Rabbit all tied up in thick ropes. The log promptly tilted upwards.

Whump-whump-whump-whump-whump...

"You said this was a nice ride."

Kagome looked over her shoulder, grinning. "I lied!"

CLINK!

Sesshoumaru's eyes widened.

"Oh, one more thing, they take your picture on this one, too!"

The flume dropped!

"YAAAAAAAAH!"

"You deceptive woman!" Sesshoumaru snarled as the flume made its swift descent. He gripped the bar with white knuckles.

The picture came out to show two grinning kids in the front, Kagome screaming and Sesshoumaru in the back, his gold eyes the size of saucers and his mouth WIDE open in the middle of his "you deceptive woman!" snarl.

It was too funny to pass up. Kagome walked up to the desk and bought a copy.

Sesshoumaru needed a brief rest after Splash Mountain. Kagome brought him an expensive bottled water that he downed without offering to share.

"After this heart surgery, I hope I will not need to stop and rest after three rides."

"We'll see." Kagome folded everything back into her backpack. Then she tossed out a few wrappers. "Hopefully you won't need anticoagulants for - "

"Don't discuss that with me again." Sesshoumaru wrinkled his nose, pinning her with a gilded glare. "We are going to the next mountain ride."

He's liking this place. Kagome thought smugly to herself, "You're the boss."

Off they went to the next ride. Big Thunder Mountain, a roller coaster shaped like a train.

Sesshoumaru almost smiled on that one. He snuck off to ride it again when she went to the bathroom. She just stood by the exit and watched his silver hair flap in the breeze.

Kagome dragged him onto the teacups next. With his help they had the fastest twirling teacup on the whole spinning floor. She came off the ride so dizzy he had to hold her up.

They wandered to Sleeping Beauty's castle where Kagome recounted the story to Sesshoumaru and joked about how he had a lot in common with Aurora. He just shook his head at her, said something about a kiss having more power than she realized and went on to explore pictures from The Little Mermaid and Snow White.

She finally dragged him onto Peter Pan. He hated that one. So she took him into the Haunted House - he seemed to like it. Especially since the black lights made his hair glow like white fire in the dark.

After that they found themselves watching people paint each others' faces up with specialized paints. Sesshoumaru sat Kagome down and proceeded to paint on her forehead and cheeks.

"Hey! What are you painting?"

He twitched an eyebrow. "You will see. Be still and close your eyes."

Kagome did so. The cool brush glided wetly across her eyelids. Then the backs of her eyelids shone crimson as he held up the mirror.

"You may look."

She opened her eyes to discover Sesshoumaru had painted stripes identical to his own on her cheeks. Her eyelids were red and a blue sun adorned her brow. She blinked at it. "A sun?"

A smirk curled his lips. He started wiping off the foundation covering his natural marks. "If I am the moon, you are the sun. And now nobody will think oddly of my face if they see my marks."

"Hey!" Kagome laughed, "You just did that so you can take off that makeup!"

"Perhaps I -"

The Mark Twain boat caught Sesshoumaru's interest, making him cut off whatever he was going to say. Kagome happily took him onto it. He called her attention to the colorful sunset, the sun swollen and sinking into shades of gold and purple. Smiling, she laid her head on his shoulder to watch it. He let her, even squeezing her hand lightly when she interlocked their fingers.

"It's beau - "

"Shhh, no words."

And life stood still until the ride ended. He held her hand the entire time.

They had a steak dinner together right after. Sesshoumaru ordered his as rare as it came. He daintily consumed every bit of the meat, but didn't touch his mashed potatoes or fries. Grease, he often said, would lead to an early demise. But Kagome didn't mind, she ate his leftovers herself. Sometime during the meal he muttered that his servant, Jaken, could cook better than 'this human facility'.

"And people continue to stare at me like I am an attraction," he growled.

"You're good-looking. Enjoy it."

Sesshoumaru set his fork down and patted his mouth with the napkin. "That shouldn't be a reason to gawk."

"They've never seen a pretty man like you before," Kagome smiled over her soda. "They probably think you're a supermodel."

"I would rather they fear me," the demon sighed, sipping his tea. "I suppose I will have to get used to this lack of fear. How could they fear when they don't realize the danger?"

"You'd be surprised."

His nostrils flared. He did that a lot, just randomly sniffing the air. Kagome was amazed the massive mix of scents didn't bowl him over every time he inhaled. He finally did wrinkle his nose when someone walked by with a lit cigarette. His narrowed gold eyes followed the smoker.

"That is a disgusting habit." He sneered.

"Yeah, it causes cancer too." Looking at her watch, Kagome gasped, "Oh! There's a show starting on Main street in about ten minutes. I think you'll really like it."

Sesshoumaru's shiny head tilted, brow inching up, "What type of show?"

She smiled at him, dark sapphire eyes twinkling. "Something that caters exactly to your love of wordless expression."

His lips quirked. "What is it called?"

"Cirque du Soleil." Kagome fumbled over the pronunciation.

"Circus of the Sun," he translated, "the French always were poetic." Then, looking at her, he whispered, "Ange de la lune."

"And what does that mean?"

"I'll tell you...just not today."

She punched his shoulder lightly, smiling. "Bah!"

When they perched on the curb to watch the show, Kagome noticed Sesshoumaru sat still as a statue. He watched the entire thing through faraway eyes that seemed lost in his memory. The performers sent silent messages with their bodies that he read like books. After the show ended he asked Kagome if they could see it again sometime. She happily told him they had regular broadcasts of full-length performances on TV every few months.

Later on that night, Kagome had just settled down on the floor with a good book when the soft weight of Sesshoumaru's chin came to rest on her left shoulder. Kagome blinked, looking up to see a full moon shining into the skylight. Full moon nights were the only time he ever actively sought her comfort. The only hour when his walls fell away to expose the wounded soul underneath.

Without question she put her book down and reached back to stroke his soft hair. She'd learned, through experience, that he wanted nothing more than her hand petting his head. No hugging, no cuddling, no hand-holding and no whispered words.

Twin ice beads trickled onto Kagome's neck. She pulled her feet out from under herself and sat Indian style, creating for him the cradle where he always rested his head. Usually he curled up on his side. This time he settled on his back and stared up at her in the moonlight, his eyelashes holding the few stars that hadn't yet fallen into his golden depths. He caught the hand she was using to stroke his hair and placed it lightly on his moist cheek.

Kagome caressed Sesshoumaru's cheekbone. His eyes fluttered shut and the silent tears he shed continued their endless journey down his pale face. She wiped them away with her thumb, only to have more add a new trail.

The curve of his face fit perfectly against her palm. She marveled at how her fingertips molded to the hollow of his temple. Under her palm were the strong bones and muscles making up his jaw and cheek. The tiny pulse next to his ear tapped gently against her little finger. His soft skin warmed to hers.

She moved her thumb down over his small lips. Their moist softness parted for her, letting her explore them. No man she ever knew had lips as perfect and beautiful as his. She let her thumb rub back and forth across the little hollow created by his cupid's bow. No stubble, not even peach fuzz. The skin there was softer than a newborn's bottom.

Beautiful. Kagome smiled slightly at him even though his eyes were closed.

Her index finger curled to lightly touch his velvety eyelashes. They felt like his voice sounded - soft and cold. The demon didn't flinch away, but he did open his eyes to look up at her. She noticed for the first time that no more tears fell.

All at once Sesshoumaru sat up to end this session of silence. He abruptly climbed into his bed with his back to her and went to sleep, leaving her alone in her confusion.

The next morning, Sunday, they went out sightseeing all over Tokyo. Sesshoumaru didn't feel as well that day - and Kagome suspected he'd been having issues at Disneyland that he didn't mention and now they were catching up. But he insisted they go out, so he had Kagome push him around in the wheelchair. She didn't mind. In fact, the manner in which he stuck his nose in the air while she wheeled him along just cracked her up. He still considered it a mobile throne.

Together, they visited art museums, had ice cream cones in a park(Sesshoumaru ordered a double chocolate scoop and ended up dropping half of it on his shoe), drove amidst sparkling skyscrapers and stood high atop Tokyo Tower where the world became toy-sized.

Kagome looked over at Sesshoumaru. He still looked utterly out of place next to the tower's plexi glass windows. The sunlight flashed across his golden eyes. Then he turned his head to look at her and his bangs spilled across his forehead. Silver strands danced against his shoulder and white sleeve. He just so happened to be wearing the same white pullover he wore his first day in therapy.

It seemed like so long ago.

He'd mastered chopsticks again. He had beautiful penmanship. He walked up and down stairs, did squats, everything his body forgot was now remembered. The only things holding him back were his memories and a faulty heart valve. And he would soon be rid of the heart issue.

Then what? He'd be healthy. No longer in need of a nurse.

"There is no magic anymore," Sesshoumaru whispered.

Kagome blinked up at him. "Sorry?"

He twitched an eyebrow and let his eyes slide over the jagged blue and silver skyline, which was tainted by smog. Mount Fuji's distant white peak appeared to rise right out of his shoulder. "There is no magic, only technology. Magic has become nothing more than fiction. The world...has forgotten."

"All fiction has a thread of truth, or else there's nothing to base a story on." She reached out and rubbed his back. Touching him was her way of showing him she didn't find his scars repulsive. "And I'm not the world. I know the truth."

"Yes." A mirthless smile curled his lips. "I suppose being remembered in myths and folk tales is better than not being remembered at all."

His eyes returned to the city below.

Kagome's breath fogged the window. "I wish - "

"Shh. No more words."

As the sun went down, Kagome took Sesshoumaru for a long train ride that left the bustling city behind. Within an hour they shifted to a bus and transferred to a cable car that took them for another long, steep ride.

Sesshoumaru peered out the window, "This does not smell like the city."

"Because it's one of few areas we're protecting." Kagome checked her digital camera, smiling.

A few moments later, they arrived at Mitake gorge. Smells of trees, stone, water and soil surrounded them. Kagome led Sesshoumaru onto the hiking trail. Almost immediately he caught the scent of something and veered into the trees. She scrambled after him while her mind had flashes of herself and Inuyasha's group camping amidst these same trees.

The memories made her smile. She raised her camera to catch a photo of Sesshoumaru walking up ahead. He glanced over his shoulder for the source of the flash.

"Slow down!" Kagome cried.

"I am not out of breath. You are just slow." Sesshoumaru hopped the last roots to stand on the rocky bank of the Tama river. There, he stood statue-still and stared into the foamy water as it roared and sizzled mere inches from his toes. Bright moonlight turned his hair into a glittering curtain.

Here, surrounded in natural greenery, he didn't look out of place.

Kagome caught a few great photos of him with the wind teasing his hair, the trees and river in the background. Part of her half-expected Rin, Jaken and Ah-Un to burst from the trees any second. He looked back expectantly, as if wishing for the same thing. She captured his wistful, slightly-sad backwards glance.

"Rin used to fish here," was all he said about it.

A group of tourists and thrill-seekers sped by on a white-water raft. Kagome watched them wipe out a short distance away. Sesshoumaru just arched a brow.

"I will never understand why you humans find such things entertaining."

"Oh, poo on you." Kagome took his hand and led him back onto the trail. "Although those people are idiots for doing that in the dark..."

They slowly made their way to the Nanayo waterfall. It was a beautiful multi-tiered waterfall that ambled over layers of rock and moss.

Sesshoumaru gazed languidly upwards. "When I was young, I jumped from the top of these falls."

Kagome imagined a young demon lord falling from above the mist. She couldn't quite picture him as a little boy. "Whenever I think of you young, I just see a puppy."

He looked amused, "I was short and had a round face until I became an adolescent. Then I lost that...you humans call it 'baby fat', and have not changed much since then, save that I'm much taller. Does that help?"

"It's still hard to believe you were ever a kid." She inhaled the misty spray as if it would clean her lungs of all impurities. "Inuyasha I can picture because...well...he always was a bit immature. But you're so different than he was."

"Inuyasha was always a brash, belligerent child." came Sesshoumaru's cool reply. "He let his emotions rule over his decisions and as a result he often wound up in compromising situations. Situations that could've been avoided had he simply stopped to think of what he was doing."

"But he always got out of those situations."

"Luck."

Kagome looked away. She didn't want to fight with him over this...or anything else. "Either way, he could dig himself out of pretty much any mess he got himself into."

Sesshoumaru flexed his left hand. "I know." Then he sniffed, turned away and started walking a ways up the trail.

The scent reached Kagome as well.

Cedar.

She found Sesshoumaru standing at the foot of a large cedar tree, his hand on the bark and his eyes faraway.

"Sesshoumaru?"

"Follow me." He vanished around the tree.

"Where are we going?" She barely made him out in the darkness. The trees grew so tall they nearly blotted out the moon.

"Shh." A hand emerged to grab her arm, pulling her forward.

Something twinkled in the dark. Kagome could hear frogs croaking all around, though they went silent when she and Sesshoumaru stepped on the bank of a small pond. The water was so still it appeared like ice. It was an area so motionless one would think they stepped into a photograph.

His voice came out from the dark. "Sit down. There's a log behind you."

Taking his word for it, she sat down. The hard wood of a log greeted her butt. Soft moss cushioned the impact.

Kagome heard Sesshoumaru rustle the branches around them. The buzz of an insect. More rustling.

And suddenly the place exploded into a cloud of fireflies. It looked as if the stars fell from Heaven to land all around them. Each one as gold as Sesshoumaru's eyes.

Sesshoumaru sat perched on the other end of the log. The fireflies illuminated the curve of his face, clung to his hair and made his eyes shimmer like the city lights. He looked like the angel Tetsura believed him to be. Kagome, in utter awe, raised the camera to capture him that way for all eternity. He pulled the camera from her hand and set it aside.

"Stop relying on that silly picture box," he whispered, "and just be still."

Kagome reluctantly turned off her camera and slid it into her back pocket. She watched Sesshoumaru as he sat motionless enough to become part of the landscape around them. His eyes were closed. He tilted his head back like he was drinking in the moonlight. The fireflies continued to flit about.

"Rin." She heard him whisper, and her heart ached. Reaching out, she laid her hand on top of his.

Sesshoumaru opened his eyes to meet hers. It occurred to her, suddenly, that he was trying to let go of the life he left behind. She knew how easily she could change how he thought of this place. It was as simple as unbuttoning his jeans and kneeling down. Akemi said that helped most men forget their unpleasant memories, yet Kagome could not grant him that because his heart couldn't handle the strain. For all his power, his life was chained down by a piece of tissue not much bigger than a man's thumbnail. The past clung to him like a drowning child clings to their rescuer. It wouldn't be so easy to shake off, and they both knew it.

"I'd like to return to the apartment...there is too much memory here," he said softly. His eyes were cold when they looked down into hers, "Too much that I can never return to."

Kagome nodded and quietly took him home. He spent the rest of the night writing in a notebook he "borrowed" from the office supplies she kept in her computer desk.