Pull The Trigger

Chapter 10

-

He comes to school every morning, always casually late. Nobody dares to say anything about it. He's got everyone eating out of the palm of his hand. He's handsome, clever, popular. He's got everything.

Naruto sees him arrive every morning because he gets up earlier than everybody else to catch the bus. There is something about him which is alluring, he admits. There is something in those beautiful grey eyes that seems wild and dangerous, that people want to tame. Maybe people shouldn't count on Neji as much as they do. He is unpredictable, like a untamed animal. Still, he draws you in. With that downward tilt of his mouth that gives his face a look of intense thoughtfulness, and the way he moves his long body like an athlete. Apparently he's a swimmer.

'Morning.'

Naruto wakes from his reverie and looks up into eyes deep and black and very much his own.

'Oh, good morning.'

Sasuke looks where Naruto just pulled his eyes away from and makes something of a scowl and a smirk together.

'Where you looking at him?'

'No, he's just…'

'In your direct line of sight. Yeah, I get it.'

Sasuke waits for Naruto to gather his stuff but just when he's about to leave Neji bumps into him, hard and deliberate. Sasuke turns towards him with a look of shocked indignation on his face. No one has ever treated him like that. Neji turns halfway and throws them the nastiest look he can manage.

'Fag.' he mutters to his friends, just hard enough for him to hear.

Their harsh laughter is drowned out by the heavy pulse of Sasuke's heart in his head. What the fuck?! He turns to Naruto with eyes wide with shock.

'Was he….?'

'The one with the silver car.' Naruto answers in a grave voice. It doesn't affect him so much, he grew up having the term flung a t him constantly. He does, however, understand why to Sasuke it's new. Hell, at their last school, Sasuke was Neji. Looks, brains and attitude. He wasn't very agreeable then either.

Not much has changed.

Naruto immediately scowls and smacks his head mentally. He can't think that way. He's wrong. Things have changed, he's changed. There is a part of him now capable of love, and it is this part of him exactly that he never wants to lose.

-

The abuse continues, gradually to a point where they're not even trying to be creative anymore and they just become clichés. Pictures in their lockers, names, pushing. It has a different effect on both of them. Naruto withdraws himself into his mind. He grows slowly less bright, like a star that is gently burning up. Other people notice because they've never known him to be anything else but happy. They've never seen the lonely him at all.

Sasuke just loses his mind. When they meet after school and he's in a bad mood still, he's aggressive, and hurts the wrong people. He's also terribly sad sometimes, to the point where he can't speak, can only shiver. There's also grown something distrustful in his eyes. Every time he looks at Naruto there's doubt and silent anger, like he blames him.

He's paranoid again.

-

It started with that, the painful looks. Naruto is sure of it. There's never really been a problem between them like the one there is now. As long as they've been like together they've always wanted each other. So when, for the first time Sasuke doesn't respond to his advances, Naruto freezes.

'What?' He asks.

He sits back on his knees. They're in his bedroom. Iruka is outside, doing farm-related work. Sasuke is by the door and he leans on the wall as he pushes Naruto away.

'I don't want to.'

There's a silence after that, heavy with Naruto's shock and indignation. It is in this brief period of time where he contemplates how Neji has made things different for them. He thought they would be strong, last through the ages. He thought, the moment he saw the silver car speed away, that it wouldn't matter to them.

'What's wrong with you?' He tries to hide the hurt in his voice but of course he can't, not completely, he wears his heart on his sleeve.

Sasuke looks at him with the anger that has, over the past few days, become frighteningly familiar to him.

'Just because I don't want to fuck, there's a problem with me?'

He sounds pissed as hell and his eyes narrow.

'No. Of course not. But that's not the problem is it? It's not that you don't feel like it, it's something else.'

Sasuke stays quiet for exactly two second in which he looks at him with the most scornful eyes, and Naruto feels himself die a little inside.

'Don't flatter yourself.'

He pushes awkwardly violent passed him and jerks open the door. He starts to walk down the stairs with angry, hasty steps. It only takes moment for Naruto to realise, then he rushes after him and the blood in his body feels like a hundred degrees. There are words inside his chest that he has to scream. He's never been this terribly angry and hurt before.

'Fuck you Sasuke, you coward. I'm not stupid, I know you're scared!'

His voice is loud and clear in the hallway. He doesn't care that Iruka might hear.

'They're not supposed to matter. We should be together!'

This last thing he breathes with absolute conviction. This is his religion. Sasuke turns slowly and his face is dark now. Dark with emotion, anger and pain and fierce determination. He opens his mouth to speak but his voice is more like the growl of an animal driven into a little corner.

'It's wrong, Naruto. Stop lying to yourself.'

It's not the words that get him, he's never been much for words, it's the bitter tone. There's a part of his brain that screams at him to wake up, because this is a nightmare. No way in hell, would the real Sasuke speak those words as he did, with such belief in them.

'YOU STOP LYING!' Naruto screams, hoarse and his voice breaks in the most pitiful manner.

Sasuke walks down the stairs. His dark head disappears around the corner and all that is left now is this pathetic little heap of Naruto who cries and breaks over and over again as he repeats Sasuke's words inside his head. It's wrong. It's wrong. It's wrong…

He hears the door open and the footsteps leave. He sits on the stairs and hugs his shoulders, choking on his sobs. Then, just after the door closes, he hears it open again and Iruka's concerned face appears at the corner. He mutters something at once, and rushes forward to throw his hands about the boy. They sit there like that, on the rough wood, and Naruto shakes as he tries desperately to hold himself together, he doesn't want anybody to see him like this. Iruka rocks him in his arms, awkwardly but with more sincerity than Naruto has received these past few weeks.

-

It's not that Naruto believes him of course. (Though sometimes, when the night is dark and he feels especially small he considers it might have been the truth.) Sasuke loves him. Of that tiny thing he's sure. It's just that, even though he might wish it, it does not take the pain away. Naruto has been disillusioned, and he's never known just how incredibly discouraging that feels.

He had faith in love, absolute and undeniable, (blames Haku for that, partly). He felt indestructible. But as he discovered lately, love is not the all-powerful force of nature he thought it to be. In fact, he's shocked to find how quickly and easily his love turned to hate, and frankly, it scares him. What he doesn't know is that in his case, love and hate go hand in hand. Just because he hates Sasuke does not mean he doesn't love him. The two aren't opposites. Far from it.

Still, in the days after the cruel words were said and the tears were cried, on both sides, although Naruto doesn't know that either, he feels so incredibly abandoned it stings.

-

The day comes that it's Monday again and Naruto, who has lain awake for half the night, refuses to drag himself out of bed for that prick. The curtains remain drawn and the refreshing morning light is refused entry. It beats at the windows with aggressive brightness. It's a headache waiting to happen. Naruto is aching enough, thank you very much.

Iruka comes in and sits on the side of his bed for a while. He rubs his back and gently tells him to get up, and without actually saying it: that it's okay, that the pain will pass. It is clear to Naruto now that Iruka has known about them for a long time. He hardly cares anymore. What others think does not really affect him. There's just that one person who still has the power to harm him with words, and that person has betrayed him already.

In the end he does find the strength to lift himself out of bed, because Naruto just wouldn't be Naruto if not for that foolish, rock solid belief he has 'in better days to come'.

The morning passes in a dull throb that stings tenaciously at Naruto's brain. There's just the heat in his heart and in his stomach that burns his face and just makes him want to scream and punch things, one in particular. Of course he can't concentrate. What are they thinking, trying to teach him how to read graphs and such?

Things would have gone fine probably, painful but without breakouts, if not for what happens at lunch. Naruto sits apart, preferring to stare a hole into the wall than sit and pretend to be jolly with people that aren't even his friends. When he finishes his lunch, (he doesn't really eat it, just pokes at it, smashing, cutting and tearing stuff) he walks quickly past Sasuke's table, heading for the exit.

Sasuke holds out his hand and grabs his arm with clammy, determined fingers. He looks up at him and there's a strange mixture a doubt, longing and irritation in his eyes.

'Sit down here.' He says.

Naruto stops without really wanting to and looks down. He feels entirely caught and curses the way his voice will quiver if he speaks now. He curses himself for being such a weak sissy, for how he had to stop because frankly, he could never look away from those eyes. Maybe it's this rage at himself that drives him to say the following words, because he can't really remember thinking about it.

'I thought we were through Sasuke. Thought you never wanted to see me again. Because we were wrong, remember?'

Sasuke rips his arms back and glues it to his side. Now he only looks at him with an accusing angry glare, while he becomes painfully aware of the attention they're receiving.

'Don't be stupid.' He mumbles, but he doesn't sound so convincing.

Immediately after he says that Naruto kisses him, just there, on the lips. He leans forwards and just does it, in front of everyone and no one, because in the end, nobody else really matters. The kiss is right, soft but undeniable. It takes maybe one second. Then he leans back again and pulls his hands back from Sasuke's shoulders, at his side.

'I am stupid Sasuke. I'm a fucking moron, still believing in you…'

And then he's gone, walked briskly away through the exit. And everyone is watching, and the entire table is silent. Sasuke burns up like a volcano about to erupt. Suddenly he can't keep his hands from shaking and he'd rather die than make eye contact with anyone. So, maybe five seconds after Naruto's sudden departure, he jumps from his seat and runs after him. Which proves he isn't thinking because what will they think now? The others that matter so much to Sasuke.

-

'What the FUCK did you do that for?'

Naruto turns halfway in the empty corridor but doesn't stop walking.

'I felt like it. I didn't want to pretend anymore.' His voice is pure and he sounds gloriously untroubled.

'Well did you think about me? What am I going to say?'

This time Naruto stops, and there appears something of a malicious half smile on his face that completely twists his features and gives him something evil and vulpine.

'Woops! Well, I guess that it's not my problem anymore. We're done, right?'

Sasuke is, to say the least, shocked beyond comprehension. He feels like shit, mainly because he knows that what he sees in front of him, he helped create. He searches for words to harm him, his only retort, but he chokes on them even before they leave his lips.

Naruto watches him struggle with devilish glee. He's almost laughing. Then he steps forward until he stops right in front of him and put his hand tenderly against the back of Sasuke neck.

'Hurts, doesn't it? When somebody you care about screws you over.' He whispers with a voice that can't really be his, it's just too cruel.

-

Outside it is not as warm as usual, and dark. There's a cloud the size of an entire continent threatening to suffocate the sky and drown the earth. Naruto's breath is jagged and painful. He's smiling but for some reason it hurts, and it doesn't feel like regular smiling anyway.

He hopes Sasuke won't come after him. It took all his strength. He's never known that being mean can exhaust you so. Then, by the bus stop, there's a figure waiting for him, that's how it looks.

From a distance he can see that it's Neji. His long hair tied back in that perfectly achieved casual ponytail whips around in the howling wind. For a second Naruto stops and then, he forces himself to walk again. He's not afraid. Neji looks at him and there's a smile on his perfect face.

Neji glories in other people's misery, this one in particular, because now, he can get what he wants.

'He sure dropped you easily.'

Naruto glares at him with fierce blue eyes, but he can't say anything back, because it's the absolute truth and he knows it.

'Were you worth that little to him then? What do say?' Neji demands his opinion.

'It's over now. It doesn't matter.' Naruto says.

'Damn right it's over. Who's going to want you now? I mean, he's not really right in the head either, but you royally fucked up for yourself in there.'

Naruto sits down on the bench and clenches his fists by his sides so that Neji can't see them. He looks at the ground.

'What were you trying to prove?'

'Why are you talking to me!?' Naruto shouts at him, and there's a part of the stress and desperation in his voice that finds vent from when he was talking to Sasuke.

Neji lifts his eyebrows to his hairline and tilts back his head, as if he's seriously thinking.

'Look,' He takes a step closer to Naruto, stands right in front of him now, and there's something different about the way he just moved, something sensual.

'Things like that are supposed to stay secret. He understood but you're just so damn slow… But now you destroyed everything.

Naruto stands up and thrusts his hands into his pockets. Fuck the heavy rain to come, he'll walk home.

-

Sasuke stands there for a long time, in that empty hallway with just Naruto's stabbing words there and his empty presence. He doesn't think about going back. He leaves, immediately, for home. He shuts his eyes on the bus, hard, and tries his best not to think about Sakura, or the others. It comes to a surprise to him that he doesn't have to struggle hard. His mind is elsewhere, equally, if not more, unpleasant. All he thinks about is him, and how now he's lost. How is he ever going to continue on without him, not as a lover, and not as a friend.

-

There's a faint knock on the door, it's Sakura, dressed in pink shorts and white t-shirt with a print. She comes in and settles next to him on the carpet. She hugs one of her knees and inspects the opposite wall.

Sasuke turns his head back to the magazine he was reading, only not really, because he can't concentrate enough. He was flipping through the pages.

'Sasuke?'

'Mmm?'

She breathes in sharply and leans forward to kiss his cheek, then reaches out towards him and grabs his hand, the one that was turning the pages in the magazine, she places it resolutely on her breast. Sasuke looks up surprised, he looks at his hand as if to make sure that it's real. Her breast is soft and hard at the same time, firm, this is the first time that he touched a girl like that. As was expected, it doesn't do anything for him. Except that he suddenly feels fucking angry with himself right now.

His eyes make contact with Sakura's and again he's surprised, there is no doubt in her eyes. She wants to help him? Her other hand starts moving slowly, she touches his knee.

Sasuke pulls away his hand and places it where it was before. He tears away his gaze and fixes it on the pages of the magazine again but he's not reading.

'Why don't you go out with Lee? You know he would never do anything to upset you.' He says.

Besides him Sakura sighs. She plays with the carpet and furrows her brow. Maybe she's hurt? Most likely she's just confused.

'I want to help you get better.'

'I'm not sick.' Sasuke replies immediately. (Isn't he? He's puzzled. What does he believe?)

She smiles.

'You're so certain.'

Then she gets up again and wipes at the imaginary wrinkles in her shorts.

'Will you forget what just happened?'

'What happened?'

'Thanks' She says as she smiles again, gratefully.

'I've got some thinking to do.' With those words she leaves, closing the door behind her softly.

-

Not only Sakura has got thinking to do, Sasuke does as well. He might have vague idea of why the girl behaved as she did. Maybe he does know, but he doesn't really regard it as his business. He is lonesome by nature. He doesn't like to involve himself in other people's issues, nor when they involve themselves in his.

But there's something bugging him. Why didn't he take what Sakura was offering? Wasn't it what he wanted? Wasn't it the exact reason why he broke with Naruto.

He sighs and opens his eyes to the darkness of his room. Outside the heavy heat is leaning on the house in the hot night. He can't sleep. Most things are quiet, more so than in the city, but still there's noise. Sasuke longs for a place where everything is still. Truly peaceful. Though there's a part of him that says he wouldn't be able to appreciate that, tranquillity. He's never happy with anything. In a way he's like a spoiled child, never grateful. That's a trait he should have picked up from Naruto, if he weren't so goddamn stubborn.

-

In the end Naruto seems to come out as the absolute loser. The incident in the cafeteria has shocked everybody, but, for some reason, it's like a big secret that everybody's in on. It's a silent knowing, disgust. To most, Sasuke is a victim, and he himself doesn't know how to handle that. Most of the time he just feels hot and uncomfortable and sort of shaky when it does come up.

Naruto is ignored. In fact, 'the silent treatment' seems to have been reinvented just to suit his case. No one speaks to him. Not even the teachers, who may have picked up on it, or who just feel that there's something wrong with him. The pack ignores him, so do they.

So Naruto, sweet as he is, focuses himself entirely on his work. He helps out Iruka to the best of his abilities. He gets up early and does all the jobs that nobody wants to do. Iruka has doubts now, about hiring a second help. He feels bad for Naruto, no, worse, he knows his sorrow, but he appreciates the help. His schoolwork is lacking though. Homework and such is made, but Naruto's never been the brainy type, and he needs help. Sasuke used to tutor him, but that's over now.

Naruto's looking for a job. He finds that even though he works like crazy all day, doing meaningless chores, he still keeps enough time to sit still and think. If there's anything he doesn't want to do, it's think. He wants to float through life and avoid pain as much as possible. He wants a blur, a slow, steady throbbing that can be ignored if it's there long enough. He can deal with that sort of pain. He'd rather not deal with the sharp sting of memory.

Now he works late, hauling boxes and crates in the local supermarket. It's already dark and everybody left, but the pay is actually quite good, and heavy lifting is good for distracting his thoughts. It's dark outside and in the storage department there's only the sound of the generator and the air-conditioning.

He's almost done for the evening, tired and hungry. His back is strained and his arms are heavy. He finishes up, flicks off the lights and stands for a moment, his eyes closed in the humming silence. It's warm. Summer is approaching. School is almost over and then he'll be free for a couple of weeks. Iruka's not going anywhere. He never really takes a holiday, but with the money he's made, Naruto could go somewhere. Hitch-hike across the country. Maybe he'll just leave.

Outside the breeze is a little chilly, and Naruto isn't wearing a jacket. He huddles inside his sweater and tries to drift off to an almost sleep while he walks home. It's working. The sound of the cars driving past him blurs, as do their bright lights. All he sees is the dark of the night and the bright orange, red and yellow stripes of the cars that screech past him. It all dulls and lulls him more and more to sleep.

At hand grips his arm. Naruto awakes from his daze instantly and swings his body around. It's Neji with a cigarette in his other hand and a strange meaningful look in his eyes.

'You.' Naruto says.

His eyes flit around, looking for danger, an ambush maybe. It wouldn't be the first time. He's actually gotten pretty quick, good at running away, good at taking punches. Tonight though, he feels like crap and all he really wants is to be at home, in his bed (with someone's arms around him maybe).

'What?'

Neji looks at him again, and his eyes are glossy and luminous in the dark. He looks over his shoulder. There are the shiny lights of a bar down the street. They can hear the heavy music and smell the liquor. Some other people are standing outside as well, most with the glowing end of a cigarette floating in their hands. He can't see clearly though, it's too dark.

'How are you?' Neji asks.

'Is this a joke?'

He's quiet, there's nothing on his face that gives him away. He's wearing the mask again.

'It's not a joke. Where are you going?'

'Home.' Naruto responds, not sure whether it was right to say, he doesn't trust him.

'I'll walk with you.' Neji says and he's already put out the cigarette with his foot.

Naruto doesn't get a choice. The other boy walks in front of him, his hands in his pockets and he looks over his shoulder again with that gleam in his eye. Naruto follows. The city is slowly falling behind them and the lights are fading. There are more trees, more pieces of grass. They come to second path that crosses the road and it occurs to Naruto that Neji must live there, on the left side. That's where all the big houses are.

He stops.

'Are you miserable, Naruto?' It's the first time he's said his name.

Naruto doesn't know what to say. Of course he is. He struggles with the words. He wants to make it sound reasonable somehow, as if it's nothing he can't handle. He wants to appear strong. His lips part and he tries to say the words but they're caught in a dry, forceful kiss.

It's Neji who has taken that last step that parted them and has pressed his mouth against his in a deliberate manner. He's very real and very tall. The minute they break apart Naruto knows that this isn't something he can ignore. This is something very secret and dangerous and frankly, he wants nothing to do with it.

The tension lingers. Neji doesn't seem to feel the need to break it. He looks at him and at once Naruto recognised the thing in his eyes, called lust. He wonders why. Why him, why this way.

'You're gay.' He says, there's something of surprise in his voice, something shrill and ironic.

'You're dead if you tell anyone.' Neji replies.

It's weird. Even though Naruto has got something on Neji now, it doesn't seem to matter. Usually, when you know a secret about somebody, you have a certain amount of power over them, not with Neji. He still has that wild thing about him, he's no less powerful now than he was before.

Neji kisses him again, and this time his hands go up to his face and he presses him backwards. Naruto almost loses his balance. He shocked to see the desire and the want on a face that normally doesn't show any. He doesn't know what to think of it. He's still full with the kiss. He liked it. It has been a long time since anybody last desired him. Maybe this means that it's not over for him yet, if there are still people out there that want him.

Neji takes him home wordlessly. They follow the overgrown path, hedges on both sides until the stately mansion appears in front of them. It's all quiet. In his bedroom they make love, and Neji's a little clumsy about it. It's not all that nice for Naruto, but the touches and the kisses do him good. He's missed contact. He's been starved of it and now he'll take anything.